Why don't people understand that my eating has nothing to do

angelascott919

Why is it so hard for people to understand that what I eat has nothing to do with them? I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, your cooking is ok, I am just not eating fatty, greasy food.

We live with my husbands parents for now and my mother-in-law acts like I'm trying to hurt her feelings when I don't eat with them. She is an OK cook but cooks with a lot of oil and doesn't buy healthy foods. So I am simply just not eating it. She doesn't understand that a light salad is a meal not just a side dish to go with meat and potatoes.

I have hinted around that I am cutting back and not eating as much. She just doesn't seem to understand.

It is so frustrating, and I can't just leave the room because then she will think I am mad or upset.

What do I do to get her to understand that I'm eating everything she cooks without just coming out and telling her that she is cooking food that is too fattening for me?

mommyhof3

I would be honest with her and even offer to help her cook meals. Or even alternate the cooking days so you can introduce some lighter meals to the family.

HealthyChanges2010

I've found the only way is to continue to do what you're doing in a friendly manner and one day (hopefully soon rather than later) she's come to understand how serious you are about changing your life. It might taker her seeing you take some weight off, or faithfully working out for her to see clearly.

She might not come around, everyone is different. I've experienced this, it's difficult, I've had others act as if it's a pain when I bring my own food like you shared they aren't good enough etc.

Are you able to cook for yourself and enjoy your meals with the family, like sit down with them? How about if you volunteer to cook a meal and make it healthy but don't mention that part and just act causual and see that goes off?

Salsa Chicken is a hot item for a recipe on the boards here, crockpot even. It's delicious, and perhaps that might be a simple one to start with, makes the whole house smell delicous, how could she resist?

Best of luck,
Becca

kimberly428

I agree to be honest with her. I also would start doing some of the cooking for everyone.

Jennwith2ns

I agree with the PP's. Be honest with her about your new life goals and that you know her food is good but you can't personally eat like that anymore. Definitely offer to cook some meals, or to substitute one of her dishes for one of yours. Like maybe if she is making fried chicken and mashed potatoes, you could make yourself grilled chicken and sweet potatoes (or salad or whatever you like with it)

Mirlyn

Why is it so hard for people to understand that what I eat has nothing to do with them? I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, your cooking is ok, I am just not eating fatty, greasy food.

We live with my husbands parents for now and my mother-in-law acts like I'm trying to hurt her feelings when I don't eat with them. She is an OK cook but cooks with a lot of oil and doesn't buy healthy foods. So I am simply just not eating it. She doesn't understand that a light salad is a meal not just a side dish to go with meat and potatoes.

I have hinted around that I am cutting back and not eating as much. She just doesn't seem to understand.

It is so frustrating, and I can't just leave the room because then she will think I am mad or upset.

What do I do to get her to understand that I'm eating everything she cooks without just coming out and telling her that she is cooking food that is too fattening for me?

I'm having this problem with a friend of mine. She is always trying to get me to "try this" or "try that" of some junk or another that she has her hands on at any point in time (chips, candy, crackers.) She always says, "it's weight watcher friendly!" She doesn't understand that just because something is WW friendly doesn't mean you can eat as much of it as you want all day long.

All I do with her is simply tell her, "Sorry, that's not in my calorie allowance today, maybe some other time."

She acts offended as well but she gets over it. I'm not about to put bad things in my body and sabotage my health just to make her feel better or not be offended. Them's the breaks.

MrsBrosco

I am in the SAME boat! My husband and I moved in with my in-laws back in March and they are the red-meat and potato loving family from HELL! BUT, I have made it clear that I have to do this for me. They finaly figured out that when I bust out a SMartOnes dinner and pop it in the microwave instead of eating Steak, Potatoes, and Pasta salad that it has nothing to do with them or the way they cook. IT has to do with ME and what I need to do for me. If they love you, they will understand that you are only trying to do what is best for you.

BrattyLori

GIrl, there's NO WAY around this. Honestly is NOT going to help her. She wont understand THAT at all! ITs going to hurt her feelings if you tell her that she's the major cause of your problem.

Instead, what about GUSHING about how DELICIOUS her food is but you're going to "suffer" with your big, fun salad? Maybe you can ask her to help you make your foods? "Mom, can you Please please help me with my salad? You make food taste so good - I can have hard cooked eggs, ham slices... I know you could make those things seem tasty. I just really need to lose weight. I'm so uncomfortable. Boo hoo. Will you please help me know how to make my icky food so I dont feel like I'm missing out? And would you help me to not feel wierd by telling everyone else that we're doing a special thing for a while?? It would be good if everyone knows yo're helping me!" If you feel like you're close to her, you could even share with her something that you find embarassing that you feel - so she really understands how important this is to you. She will probably feel like a superstar to make you special meals. She'll feel like she's giving EXTRA love to you! AND she'll probably take all the credit for your weight loss - but who cares? LOL It will be nicer for you if your mom-in-law is happy - and it doesnt cost you a thing.

Good luck!

Kath15

I agree with the other posters. You just have to be upfront and honest with her -forget hinting. You can do it in a way that won't her her feelings. Just say her cooking is fine,that you appreciate it, and thank you. But, you are restricting your calories and it is much easier for you to control that when you prepare your own meals. Hopefully, she will understand that you are trying to make a healthy, lifestyle change and it's about you, not her. Hope it goes over well -good luck!

spaul82478

This seems to be the case for me as well.... As soon as I eat better, everyone wants us over for dinner. I have been in your shoes before and its hard. If you don't tell her what your doing and tell her "she dont have to change" but you want to it may help. Like the others have said, help prepare things you can eat, tell them you don't want butter on your veggies, and you will make yourself a piece of chicken instead of a greasey hamburger or pork steak.. (just ideas) its your life and you and only you can control what you eat. If she don't get it.. politely say. I am at a health risk and I want to be around for a while. GOOD LUCK TO YOU..... I know this is not an easy topic. :bigsmile:

spaul82478

GIrl, there's NO WAY around this. Honestly is NOT going to help her. She wont understand THAT at all! ITs going to hurt her feelings if you tell her that she's the major cause of your problem.

Instead, what about GUSHING about how DELICIOUS her food is but you're going to "suffer" with your big, fun salad? Maybe you can ask her to help you make your foods? "Mom, can you Please please help me with my salad? You make food taste so good - I can have hard cooked eggs, ham slices... I know you could make those things seem tasty. I just really need to lose weight. I'm so uncomfortable. Boo hoo. Will you please help me know how to make my icky food so I dont feel like I'm missing out? And would you help me to not feel wierd by telling everyone else that we're doing a special thing for a while?? It would be good if everyone knows yo're helping me!" If you feel like you're close to her, you could even share with her something that you find embarassing that you feel - so she really understands how important this is to you. She will probably feel like a superstar to make you special meals. She'll feel like she's giving EXTRA love to you! AND she'll probably take all the credit for your weight loss - but who cares? LOL It will be nicer for you if your mom-in-law is happy - and it doesnt cost you a thing.

Good luck!

NICE BLUNTNESS.. I wish I had it in me to do it...:) nice job

studentRN

It is my experience that when people act this way it is only out of pure jealousy. Jealous of the fact that you have made a commitment to yourself and your health and have the willpower to see it through. Mean people suck.

badrianne

I totally agree with everyone else. You are doing this for your health. I know she has to care about you...so just gently tell her that you are going a different route with your eating, you love her and want her suport - as well as everyone else's.

It may hurt her a bit. Mother's (in-law) can be really sensitive about their cooking, but she will get over it. You need to be upfront with her. This will be practice for all of the other people in your life who encourage you to eat bad things...the pressure can get intense. You will get a lot of "one peice wont hurt" or "that's why you work out, so you can eat whatever you want".

P.S. despite what I have said I am a firm believer in a treat once in a while, BUT only when you decide to have one ;-) best of luck!!

angelascott919

Thanks everyone for your input. She is a very interesting (yeah interesting) person to deal with. At times we get along great and other times it is difficult.

I will definitely have to try what everyone said, maybe just gushing over what she cooks but that I can't eat it will work. I think she might be getting the hint when at dinner today we were at a whole foods and we agreed to just get something there. I of course made myself a big wonderfully delicious salad. My husband did as well and we got a piece of the pizza to split between us.

I know it will take time and she will hopefully get it soon.

melville88

My nanna is exactly the same- whenever I go for dinner she's offering me pies, trifles, ice cream.... I feel so rude saying no but I do say I can't eat it. Or i pick out what I can eat from what she's made and go home a bit hungry lol. She finally seemed to be taking it on board though, and offered me a tuna salad last time I went. But the tuna was from a can and drenched in full fat mayo- and she'd cooked me 3 hard boiled eggs and cheese. Which would mean a nice healthy tuna, egg and cheese salad would rake in 50 grams of fat if I'd eaten what she wanted me to eat. Instead I meticulously sieved the tuna and tried to rid it of as much mayo as I could, had one egg and no cheese.

I'm just using this as an example because I know how different generations think about food. Maybe when she cooks, if you HAVE to eat it, do your best to pile up on the vegetables and little of the fatty things. Then eat the veg first and leave some of the other stuff on ur plate and say you're full. If you get hungry later, get a sneaky apple from the kitchen. Or do as everyone else says and be honest- or flatter her.

It is annoying when people try to influence your food choices- it's up to you what you eat, how much you eat and when you eat it. All you can do is what's best for you. Good luck! xxx

tjones7

GIrl, there's NO WAY around this. Honestly is NOT going to help her. She wont understand THAT at all! ITs going to hurt her feelings if you tell her that she's the major cause of your problem.

Instead, what about GUSHING about how DELICIOUS her food is but you're going to "suffer" with your big, fun salad? Maybe you can ask her to help you make your foods? "Mom, can you Please please help me with my salad? You make food taste so good - I can have hard cooked eggs, ham slices... I know you could make those things seem tasty. I just really need to lose weight. I'm so uncomfortable. Boo hoo. Will you please help me know how to make my icky food so I dont feel like I'm missing out? And would you help me to not feel wierd by telling everyone else that we're doing a special thing for a while?? It would be good if everyone knows yo're helping me!" If you feel like you're close to her, you could even share with her something that you find embarassing that you feel - so she really understands how important this is to you. She will probably feel like a superstar to make you special meals. She'll feel like she's giving EXTRA love to you! AND she'll probably take all the credit for your weight loss - but who cares? LOL It will be nicer for you if your mom-in-law is happy - and it doesnt cost you a thing.

Good luck!

NOW THAT'S FUNNY LOL REVERSE THE SITUATION GOOD ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tjones7

HELLO ALL,


Some people feel that dinners and cooking is the only way that they can communicate with others. Although you have stated that you are trying to monitor your food for health reasons maybe she sees it as you not wanting to connect with her. Maybe you could do this.. . if she makes fried chiken ask her to grill or bake you a piece. That way you are still eating HER CHICKEN just not fried and not a totally different meal.


GDL

JoyElizabeth

Most people take a doctor's word as gospel and won't try to second guess them - so, in this light, present a list of "doctor recommended" foods and recipes that will support your weight loss efforts. She can't really go against that then without being directly responsible for your health if she is cooking for you. If they don't want that responsibility then they either leave you alone or support you depending on your relationship with them at the time.

My ex-mother in law used to sit me down to 6 mini meals of foods that she as a stick figure could eat without consequence (including all the baked goodies, tea n toast, and deep fried or roast meals with all the trimmings) and then would pick on me for being too fat. Said with love of course :-{,

But after coming home from the doctors checkup after having my first baby, my doctor showed me how to deal with her, and it worked - over-eating the wrong foods was no longer a problem and I returned to my pre-baby weight.

Funnily enough, she still thought me over-conditioned - and it didn't stop her trying to sabotage my efforts.

princessorchid

My nanna is exactly the same- whenever I go for dinner she's offering me pies, trifles, ice cream.... I feel so rude saying no but I do say I can't eat it. Or i pick out what I can eat from what she's made and go home a bit hungry lol. She finally seemed to be taking it on board though, and offered me a tuna salad last time I went. But the tuna was from a can and drenched in full fat mayo- and she'd cooked me 3 hard boiled eggs and cheese. Which would mean a nice healthy tuna, egg and cheese salad would rake in 50 grams of fat if I'd eaten what she wanted me to eat. Instead I meticulously sieved the tuna and tried to rid it of as much mayo as I could, had one egg and no cheese.

I'm just using this as an example because I know how different generations think about food. Maybe when she cooks, if you HAVE to eat it, do your best to pile up on the vegetables and little of the fatty things. Then eat the veg first and leave some of the other stuff on ur plate and say you're full. If you get hungry later, get a sneaky apple from the kitchen. Or do as everyone else says and be honest- or flatter her.

It is annoying when people try to influence your food choices- it's up to you what you eat, how much you eat and when you eat it. All you can do is what's best for you. Good luck! xxx

My aunts are like that! I was over visiting my parents and my aunt (who I love and is like a gran to me, as she is 10 years older than my mum and raised her) took me and my parents out for dinner to a Japanese restaurant - she kept ordering more stuff and sneaking bits onto my plate...and when my mum pointed out i was watching what i ate she kept saying "oh but this is low fat", or "this has no calories"...I kept trying to tell her that 10 pieces of sushi as well and tempura WOULD add up, but she wouldn't listen...eventually my mum started sneaking the extra food off my plate when my aunt wasn't looking and hiding it under the garnish! It was hilarious!

SHBoss1673

Here's the thing, something I learned a long time about family and friends, you NEED to be blunt sometimes, and you need to be honest, and you need to be firm.

A long time ago, I looked my mom straight in the eye (and I LOVE my mom, she cooks old school italian, lots of oil, lots of frying...etc) and said, " I'm changing how I live because I'm fat, and I need to change. So don't be offended if I flatly refuse the things you offer me, it isn't because they aren't delicious, it's because I need to eat a certain way, and sometimes what you make doesn't fit those needs."

You know what? I was horrified to do this, but I knew I needed to, and I did, and guess what, instead of being mad or frustrated, she looked at me and said, "I'm glad you realized it honey, because I didn't want to mention that you've gained!" Well, that made me laugh, but now she comes to me with quesitons about correct food choices (sometimes, old habits and all...).

If I can give you any advice about family and food, it's just this: DON'T BE COY! Get your thoughts out there, so what if they get mad, they'll get over it, this is your life, live it how you need to, not how they want you to!

rrberthelot

My in-laws used to cook very high calorie meals. My wife and I would have to save almost and entire days calories and exercise a lot to go over for dinner, but once we lost the weight my in-laws decided they needed to watch their diets. Now my wife and mother-in-law share recipes for lower calorie meals.

I definatly wouldn't try asking her to hlp you make things "tasty" though. It's often the things we do to make our foods tastier (like adding mayonasie, cheese, or butter) that make them high calorie. If she doesn't understand why you can't have the foods she's cooking, she won't undertsand how to help prepare them. This seems like asking Paula Dean to advise on the WW menu; no good can come of it.

Remember to, there is and can be a wonderful social element to eating. In his writings, Ignatius Loyola (yes that Ignatius Loyola) suggested to dieters that attempt to have good company around when eating. This actually makes sense as lively converstation causes you to eat slower. When you eat slower your brain tells you you're fuller before you've actually consumed too much. Not bad dieting insight for a 16th century priest. For some people- heck for some cultures- cooking a meal for someone is an expersion of love and caring.

Another trick is,you don't actually HAVE to eat it. Take a little bit of everything, sit and nibble on the food and enjoy the company company while you're there. And when you're full, make a production of it. "My goodness this is so wonderful, but I'm getting full. Is there any way I can take some home? It's just SO good." Chances are this will make their day and they'll be happy to provide a doggie bag (which you can dispose of when you get home). In fact, if this person does honestly believe that providing a meal is a sign of caring, your annoucement of "I'm full," will psycologically tell them their mission is complete. No need to be blunt or hurt anyone's feelings. No need to be labeled a food snob or a diet freak. But rememeber, as you suggest in your topic, it's your responibility to loose weight, so NIBBLE, don't consume.

ChristineMcGrae

It is really tough when you have somebody else in control of the cooking.. I would just try talking to her about it but honestly at the end of the day if her feelings are hurt she will get over it eventually. You are doing this for you and not for her. Who knows when you start seeing results she may come to you and ask how you are doing it and take on some of the changes herself.

I feel like this at work a lot also. Every Friday is goodie day where the management buys sweets and cakes for everybody. There is nothing that is bought that is healthy or good for you. As soon as my husband and I decided to take this seriously we have not cheated once and have been going strong for three weeks. I am not even tempted by it but I still get people who will bring over a slice a cake and keep saying 'oh come on it's one slice it won't hurt you'. Or I'll get the skinniest girl at work who will come over just to point out that I haven't taken anything and make comments such as 'I don't know how you restrict yourself to 1260 calories a day, I would just die. I probably eat that in one sitting' and then proceed to walk over and grab a doughnut and hold it up to show me as she walks back by me to go to her desk.

It's all about just remembering that this is for you, not for anybody else. One day all of that will catch up with them and we will be the skinny girls. :flowerforyou: