new here... past history of eating disorder, but now have gone too far the other way... balance?!

lizhope1

Hi everyone,
I'm Liz. I'm 24 years and and am doing this for the first time. I'm engaged and would like to lose a few lbs. I'm 5'3" and am a muscular 132 lbs, heaviest I've ever been in my life and would love to get to around 120-125. Here's my interesting story though which has made me hesitant to take control of this. I've struggled on and off with an eating disorder since I was 15. I was 95 lbs in high school through restriction, and then binged, restricted, overexercised for a time and my weight has been all over the place. I was able to find some control of the binging through eating in a very controlled manner (low carb, NO sugar, protein and veggies). I maintained about 112 lbs during those years. A little over a year ago, I realized that I needed to change something, because I had amenorrhea for years and thought it could be related to my very controlled dietary choices. I let go for the first time, and continued to eat healthy, and paleo, but ate things I'd never eat like nuts, peanut butter, oils, and stopped controlling my portion sizes and ate whenever I was hungry. I gained 20 lbs but I feel healthy and my amenorrhea issues that I had for years are resolved. I took pride in finding balance and letting go. But I worry I may have gone too far in that direction now, because I don't control how much I eat, and I always feel fat. I think I'm almost in a good place since everything I do eat is healthy and natural and I do love to exercise and do it every day, but I would feel so much better if I lost maybe 10 lbs. I'm muscular and I always tend to get my period back at around 120 lbs (stupid body, that's about 19-20% body fat for me), so maybe I could happily get to 125 and maintain. I did get my size 6 wedding dress, but I want to look my best in it (and just have a body I can be ok with and be proud of- I feel so self-conscious and upset that the 1 thing I cared the most about I can't even achieve- a thin, fit, body- i'm 23.4% body fat now). I don't want to fall back into my ED or lose my period again, since it's a miracle it's regular now after 8 years of barely existing and i want kids some day. I think that my fitness pal might be the key to eat enough but do this mindfully so I know what's going into my mouth and I feel in control of my food choices. Anyone relate to any of this??

xx,
Liz

emdarling07

I can totally relate! I think we swung in opposite directions, though. I was Bulimic for 8 years, and then stopped binging and purging and gained lots of weight. I'm losing weight now, and trying to maintain recovery- so I understand that balancing act! Let me know if you need any support, I'm always here x

CarrieCans

I can definitely relate. I am the same height, older and my goal is to be what you weigh now. From your pics it looks like you may be petite and i am a large frame. So our end results would be quite different.

Your goal sounds healthy to me. Be careful. As soon as i start counting, i find it very hard to reach the minimum number of calories every day. You don't have very much wiggle room because you want to lose a small amount. I on the other hand have much to lose before i have to worry. <-- i could be making excuses and/or justifying my behavior.

It's probably a good idea to tell some people in your life that you plan to lose a few pounds. Especially those that will step in if they need to. The first thing i did was tell my mom and she immediately responded with "Be careful and don't go overboard" Now she is watching me. I know she is watching me. I have to behave.

Be Aware, Be Safe and Be Healthy!!!

lizhope1

Yes... i'm a bit scared but need control... thanks so much!!! We can do this