not new but looking for positive support on my journey through recovery *TW: mention of ED*

engagedprincess

Hey everyone,

I am not new to MFP, I have been here for a while actually. I have had an Eating Disorder for the past 8, almost 9 years, but I have decided it is time I take my life back and start the journey to recovery. I am looking for some supportive friends - people who have been through the hell of an Eating Disorder and have managed to recover would be great. But I would also generally love some more support on my page. I am only just starting recovery now so I am not eating what may seem like a lot to other people, but it is a lot for me. For the past 8 3/4 years I have gone through cycles of eating <200 calories a day, fasting and bingeing/purging. I am trying to up my calories 50 per week until I reach my desired amount. I have to be careful as eating/gaining weight leads me to have a full mental breakdown with anxiety attacks, uncontrollable crying fits, self harm, internal voices which don't stop and has even lead to suicide attempts in the past. Safe to say, this is a coping method for me. I'm scared. I've been blacking out, having heart murmurs, can't concentrate, my memory is shot and generally just feeling very fatigued and out of it. I was told on the weekend that if my potassium gets any lower, I am at risk of a heart attack. I'm 22 years old?! As much as I have been suicidal in the past, I am not right now. I actually really want to live. If I continue like this (that is, if I live) I will have to end up dropping out of Uni and becoming a nurse is the one thing I want to do with my life. Also, I need to be alive and well for my beautiful cat, Princess Valentine and my gorgeous friends, baby brother and grandparents. So without further ado, I would love some supportive friends who, if they notice me falling into my old habits will give me a swift kick up the butt.

Ellie.

LINIA

I have no experience with ED and never thought about eating less than other people but if you want to add me and if you can give encouragement to me as well, that is fine.It will not bother me if your recovery is gradual , nor will i be critical of you slowly building to better health. Good Luck.

engagedprincess

LINIA wrote: »

I have no experience with ED and never thought about eating less than other people but if you want to add me and if you can give encouragement to me as well, that is fine.It will not bother me if your recovery is gradual , nor will i be critical of you slowly building to better health. Good Luck.

Thank you.

I think what a lot of people do not understand is that Eating Disorders are only marginally about the food (if at all). It is not about being pretty or vain or skinny, it is about the little voice in my head which tells me not to eat cos I'm a fat, ugly, worthless, selfish cow who deserves to be dead and doesn't deserve food. It's about the anxiety which comes along every time I eat. It's about the panic attacks, the tears, the self harm, the suicide attempts which come if I gain weight. It's about numbing my emotions and being in control of them for the first time in my life. It's about the fact that my life will be perfect, my parents will finally love me and I will be happy for the first time in my life if I lose the weight. Long story short, it's a very destructive coping mechanism which is very addictive and is both good and bad for me at the very same time.