Lost almost 95 pounds and have never felt more lonely

madrose0715

So, I knew that my weight loss would not equal the magic pill solving all my personal demons. I feel so frustrated though because while I know this is likely the first time in my adult life that I have maintained such good fitness and physical well-being, it is also the most lonely time of my life. There is this sense of life playing a big joke on me. Like - here you go, you have finally got a handle on a lifetime of poor eating habits, of fighting obesity, almost at your lowest ever adult weight...and well - you still suck.

I suppose on some level I did believe if I could conquer the weight related issues, that I would find the solutions to conquering my personal fears in other areas of my life but I am more closed off and timid than ever. This weight loss journey has been going on for about 3 years now and will continue for a lifetime. I have adopted so many great practices in managing my weight but it all feels so...'what's the point'? if I am and will remain so alone?

karyabc

i know exactly what you mean (i think) ! really i do, a couple of years agooo i lost like 86 lbs and was a almost really nice weigth, the skinniest i've been in my life and guesss what happened with my personal life? nothinggggggggg, i thought to my self omg do i have to be a size 0 for people (men) to notice me ? but the things that back then i though that basically everything wrong that was bad in my life had to do with that fact that i was fat, and the thing is when that weight factor is gone, you feel naked, you think omg it's not my weight is actually me! i had to work in my personality like a lot, i was shy at 280 lbs and i was shy at 200 lbs , i didn't dress to well at 280 lbs and i was still not making enough effort at 200 lbs, etc and that kind of things

anyway sweetheart you're not alone, many people feel and had felt that way, keep going, stay strong, and everyday try to become the amazing better version of you and someone will notice, the same way we have to work in our outside we have to work in our inside!

madrose0715

karyabc wrote: »

i know exactly what you mean (i think) ! really i do, a couple of years agooo i lost like 86 lbs and was a almost really nice weigth, the skinniest i've been in my life and guesss what happened with my personal life? nothinggggggggg, i thought to my self omg do i have to be a size 0 for people (men) to notice me ? but the things that back then i though that basically everything wrong that was bad in my life had to do with that fact that i was fat, and the thing is when that weight factor is gone, you feel naked, you think omg it's not my weight is actually me! i had to work in my personality like a lot, i was shy at 280 lbs and i was shy at 200 lbs , i didn't dress to well at 280 lbs and i was still not making enough effort at 200 lbs, etc and that kind of things

anyway sweetheart you're not alone, many people feel and had felt that way, keep going, stay strong, and everyday try to become the amazing better version of you and someone will notice, the same way we have to work in our outside we have to work in our inside!

Thanks for your kind words. The shy thing I can sooo relate to. I never use to be so shy and I am not shy while at work. In fact, confident but professional detachment is something that I have perfected. I can dress up well, am intelligent and well-spoken...I have many talents. Yet - I simply cannot open up to another person on a deeper level. I want to but there have just been too many heartbreaks in my life and the last one (a 6 year relationship that ended a year ago) almost did me in completely and I am still unresolved about it. I can't seem to bounce back like I did in my 20's and 30's. For all the physical strength I have gained, emotionally, I feel crippled.

I use strategies every day to fight my feelings of lonliness and feeling sorry for myself - long distance running, weight lifting, going for long walks...trying to get out of my head. Yet, every evening, when my body is tired - those demons return.

I just wish my insides matched the positive, physical outside. I wish I could get out of my own way.

epido

I can relate to that feeling of being completely and utterly alone. It's a horrible place to be, and can feel so suffocating. I spent years on antidepressants, and tried counseling here and there. It took some time, but I finally was able to figure out what was missing in my life, and took steps to rectify that.

Now, not quite a year later, those feelings are gone. I'm off the antidepressants. That overwhelming feeling of being utterly alone is gone, and I have never felt better. Sure, part of it was due to losing the weight and getting healthier, but an even bigger part of it was the other changes I made.

While I didn't have a lot of luck with counseling, I know other people have great success with it. A key to it being successful is to find someone that you feel comfortable talking to, and trust so you can share those thoughts and feelings you don't think you can tell anyone about. It sounds like maybe, finding someone to talk to may be beneficial to you. Have you ever considered trying it?

Talking with your doctor to determine if antidepressants or some other mood altering medication are appropriate may also be of benefit to you, at least for the short term, to help while you work on figuring out how to bounce back.

GaleHawkins

I am one that can get hung up on looking at what is wrong and miss seeing what is right. I think that came from a childhood thing. Dad was one that did point out my failures but no praise for all the right things that I did growing up.

You have to be a very strong person to take three years and lose the weight over time which is the correct way. We all live with our demons or what ever we call them.

Look at all the things you have done right. Being alone is something many of us have struggled with. In my case one day I said to heck with it and that I would just be happy alone. Six months later got into a serious relationship that lead to marriage about a year later at 30. I do think when I decided I could be happy living alone that took off a lot of stress making me more interesting perhaps. That was long long ago so I forget the details.

madrose0715

@epdio - Thanks for your reply. Many years ago, I suffered from depression and know those signals pretty well and do think I suffer from seasonal depression. I did go on medication for almost 3 years and have now been off of them for 3 years now. (Alot of my weight gain happened while on effexor and I believe partly it was because the medication gave me a very 'whatever' attitude about everything in my life).

I have been considering seeing a therapist at this stage because I don't see any other strategies really working. Intellectually, I know I need to get out there and make some friends, extend my life beyond my kids, my work and fitness...but I am - frozen.

madrose0715

@Gale - actually, accepting being single is something that I am actively trying to work toward. I believe if I can accept that, some peace will come and perhaps I can focus on other areas of life. Beyond that, I know that I am still emotionally attached to my ex deeply and after 3 failed major relationships (2 of which were marriages) well - it is just this sense of being 'damaged goods'. It's crappy. Even thinking about finding a girl friend who has things in common with me - well, it just seems pointless.

I try not to be so negative and my comments tonight come from a desperation to give voice to them. To the rest of the world - I seem to be a strong, independant woman who has her *kitten* together. The reality is something different but I can't show it to anyone. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate sounding like I am not grateful for all that I have - my health, my kids, the ability to take care of them. There is much to be grateful for. I know this.

epido

madrose0715 wrote: »

There is much to be grateful for. I know this.

I honestly believe knowing this in your head and believing this in your heart are two distinct things. Granted, I know nothing about your situation other than what you have chosen to share here, but I get the feeling that while you may know this in your head, you may not believe it in your heart.
Like I said before, I've been where you are and completely empathize with how you are feeling. Hang in there, and don't give up! You will find what the right answer is for you to get through this!

If you want to vent, chat, whatever, feel free to message me and/or add me as a friend.

williamwj2014

Know the feeling. I'm 21 and have felt alone on my journey to losing weight/being fit. I have a hard time meeting people for the most part because I'm usually more to myself but I like being alone most of the time but there are those times where I would like to be more social. I'm not expecting being fit and in shape to change my life completely but being something I enjoy and can do. I enjoy going to the gym and working up a sweat and sometimes I watch others and notice that they probably feel alone too but they are at the gym to do work! but for the most part, I just think that's how society is becoming due to technology. It makes people feel alone.

RodaRose

Yes. Spend sometime looking for the right therapist. You might find one who is trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

mymodernbabylon

This is definitely a great time to find a therapist. DBT and CBT would both work well for you.

roadlesswritten

I moved to Harlem from California a couple years ago. It always seemed like the popular/attractive girls had to be blonde Blake Lively types. In Harlem there are lots of black and Spanish women twice my size with guys CHASING them. It has to do with an attitude. It's like a jedi mind trick if you seem confident and unattainable then they want to date you. It really has nothing to do with size. It's mostly mental.

I've had issues with depression too. Now I try to think at least 1 or 2 nice things about myself in the mirror every day when I'm getting ready. Even if it's something small like "You look a lot better than a couple months ago, good for you." or "That's a nice outfit I put together today." It makes a huge difference dressing to give yourself confidence and talking yourself up.

I'm still way bigger than most of the skinny blonde girls from high school, but when I was visiting back home for Thanksgiving I swear guys were looking at me like "Who's the curvy brunette... that's so different from the chicks here." Giving myself a break for not being perfect has made a big difference.

aeb09

Hey OP. This is my big fear, too. I feel that at the end of my weight loss I'll be exactly where you are. I lost 100lbs this year and still have a ways to go. I know, logically, this will not solve my problems, though I wish it would. You've done the "heavy lifting" already, now it's time to focus on yourself in a non-physical way. Perhaps seeking therapy to deal with whatever is causing you to feel lonely will help complete your transformation. I wish weight loss was a magic pill and I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. If you need a friend, I am truly happy to be one because I don't have too many myself. You are not alone, I promise.

canadianlbs

i really like and admire the ways people have responded so far on this thread. just wanted to say that.

OP, i think you're doing a smart, healthy thing by naming this now. i don't know your own story wrt weight loss, but i know i started out about a year ago thinking 'i'm going to lose xty pounds! yee hah.' practically (in a way) just for the plain fun of it. and i kind of like Projects, so it kept me busy and interested for quite a handful of months. but then this summer it started to dawn on me that i couldn't really lose a whole lot more weight without getting myself into unhealthy turf, so as a Project it was pretty much getting ready to wrap itself up. and so then i slowly realised i needed to start thinking about the whole rest of my life . . . unless i wanted to duck that by either becoming boringly weightloss-culture-obsessed, and/or keep gaining back weight for a while just to repeat a 'success' i'd got the shirt for. which seemed kind of boring, unhealthy and troubled to me.

i think you're looking past this one thing you've been focused on for a while, and asking yourself what else you might want out of life, aside from losing xty-x pounds. and it sounds like some of the stuff you would like isn't there yet, and you're noticing it. doesn't mean that it can't be or is not going to be. noticing it means you're in a better position to make plans about it. and talking about it means you're getting started on that. so go you.

"I know that I am still emotionally attached to my ex deeply"

sadness is one of those things. in one kind of way, chipping away at a big pile of sorrow isn't all that different from chipping steadily away at a big pile of fat, so maybe working through grief and getting yourself back to 'happy' could be the next project you do. it's true that just losing weight doesn't cure that kind of grief, but there are still things you learn and strengths you must have needed in order to accomplish the weight loss, which you could be able to use while you're working to recover from loss.

i don't think there's anything all that awful about having been in three relationships, me. for one thing, you took them seriously, by the sounds of it. that might have let you in for taking a bigger beating when they didn't work out, but as far as it making you 'look bad' . . . how can it? would you be more admirable somehow if you'd been involved with three people and you hadn't been serious about any of them?

" I hate sounding like I am not grateful for all that I have - my health, my kids, the ability to take care of them. There is much to be grateful for. I know this. "

of course there is. but how you feel is still real.

flatlndr

I don't have advice for you, just a bit of my own experience. I've gone through a few "unhappy" phases, and it wasn't until I realised that my happiness comes from me, rather than it being given from others, that I could finally turn myself around. It took a lot of soul searching ... and a couple good friends who listened while I talked myself through it, and let myself let go of old baggage... before I became happy with myself. Now I have a completely different view, and that which was previously impossible is now either possible, or has already been achieved.

Best of luck to you!

obscuremusicreference

This has been a very helpful thread and while I do not feel up to adding anything to it today, I just want to say I appreciate the OP and the replies.

jgnatca

Luckily my family dynamics, though changing, are stable. I relate to your feelings though. Being overweight carries a stigma in our society. Overcoming that should (automatically) raise our social status, don't you think? But it doesn't.

I notice that beautiful women are sometimes overlooked for their intelligence, their kindness. As if only their beauty matters. That is an insult to their wholeness.

I have cultivated my mental health since I was a young girl because of a chaotic home life. So I've had it together internally but I basically ignored my physical side. It's been a treat learning how to coach this body to new things. A real treat.

Perhaps you are in a place where you can set some new mental fitness goals, build some new resiliency in your life. I think there are a few readings you might enjoy.

My psychologist-girlfriend and fellow introvert highly recommends this book: http://www.amazon.ca/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283

Also read more about the concept of Resiliency.

softblondechick

Yes, been there. Most of us, "yo-yo" dieters have..."Life will be PERFECT when I am 125." Or whatever your goal is...and we get there, like a train stop, after a long trip, get off the train, look around, expecting a party, and you are all alone. That is when you need to love yourself.

paxbfl

It's a really simple thing, but maybe you can leverage your newfound love of health and fitness to be more social. Join a running group, take a healthy cooking class, do yoga, whatever. As a healthy, fit person, you are now in the secret club (Shhhh... don't let just anyone know about it ). You can't flip a switch and be more "social" but you can get to know some people who share your attitude and passions and go from there. Plus those people are usually pretty cool - many of them have fought battles to get healthy and understand what we've all been through.

madrose0715

Thanks everyone for your comments and ideas.

AbdicoVeritas

OP, you say "To the rest of the world - I seem to be a strong, independant woman who has her ***** together. The reality is something different but I can't show it to anyone." and that you are lonely despite leading an active full life.
You feel lonely because of the discrepancy between the mask you don during the day and the feelings underneath that mask. You long for connection with others, but to connect with someone you first have to open yourself up to people and this is what is very hard for you.
You are afraid to show people the real you because that gives them the power to hurt the real you. You are afraid of judgement and rejection. You spend so much time worrying over how you think others want you to be that you're forgetting the most important person in your life. You.
It's okay to be vulnerable. Everyone has feelings like this to a greater or lesser extent. The only way to make connections again is to learn to be comfortable with exposing your true self to others. But to do that you'll have to get to know yourself better first. Become comfortable and accepting and loving of yourself.
Now this is where it gets hard, I can tell you to be happy with yourself but that doesn't help at all. If you could just flick a switch and be happy we wouldn't be here.
Everyone has to follow a different path to happiness, since all our destinations are different. We all have to start with the same thing though. We have to know ourselves. Be introspective, ask yourself hard questions, read books by people who have asked the same questions you have. And never be afraid to reach out for help. As you can see from this thread there's a lot of supportive people and people who feel the same way.

dejavuohlala

OP I can sort of see where you are coming from , do you think some supportive friends on MFP may help as a starting point

softblondechick

Your post reminded me of something. My ex husband cheated on me, lied, on and on...I beat myself up, blaming myself, and "if only I had been thinner", taking guilt for his cheating and leaving me.

Then, I had an epiphany, Jennifer Aniston was left by Brad Pitt, nothing to do with her weight. Tiger Woods cheated on his beautiful Swedish model wife, she is a size six.

I realized that weight really has nothing to do with anything. And I don't think you "suck".
I think you were just drinking the Kool-Aid that everything bad in your life was about your weight. Thin people are alone too. Things will change, give it time.

harmar21

I worry about this a bit. I just beginning my weight lose journey, and I just assume my self confidence and personality will be a lot better once I get down to <220.
My self confidence has improved since I started, but personality wise still the same. I figure I'll focus on my weight for now.

madrose0715

As the op of this thread, I came back to this to comment and say...time is a great healer. I was in the throes of a mountain of grief, to a degree I had never faced before. I have come a long way in the 10 months I originally wrote this.

Re-reading the comments, I can say many of them were spot on. I spent this year opening myself to new people and new experiences - getting my sea legs back in the romantic department. There were some incredible rewards, some disappointments and continued learning and personal growth. I do not feel lonely any more, although I am still alone (without a partner) but I am at peace with that and keep myself open to the idea that one day, perhaps that will change.

My weight loss has been maintained which is a significant achievement and while I still want to drop another 10 lbs, my focus this past year has definetely been on opening myself emotionally to others. That is huge.

Yi5hedr3

Take B vitamins and fish oil. All be good.

angelexperiment

Well I am happy for you op. It is important to try to start friends now I realized. I want and crave it quite alot. I had a friend on here and then they dissappear (one I felt attachments forming) and it affected me pretty deeply. I don't do well in friends dept. I get protective of my friends (like a mama bear) I have tried to scale back and not get too involved in others lives bc I get frustrated and hurt. But I do miss the talking and social life and walks and interests together. I feel like being in my marriage has changed me into a very antisocial person bc he has not approve of friends I had and made it hard. I felt why bother. But I know I need this as I do not want to be like my mom old and alone without any friends or people who care. Part of it is mental part personal as I know it is me.

6502programmer

madrose0715 wrote: »

I have adopted so many great practices in managing my weight but it all feels so...'what's the point'? if I am and will remain so alone?

Totally unrelated to weight loss, but what got me over shyness was learning how to dance. It was a 180 degree shift to be able to go up to a woman I've never met and be able to introduce myself, confidently ask her to dance, and be touching her within thirty seconds. Cheaper and way more fun than therapy, and you get to exercise too.

stuart959

I am so very grateful to hear of the amazing progress that you have made since the original posting. I've been through several battles with loneliness, related to abuse, inappropriate emotional management (misuse of food, alcohol, sex, etc), and relational turmoil. It's rough but God loves us and He has a plan for our lives and hasn't given up on us. That has helped me so much to know I haven't been discarded no matter what is happening around and inside of me.

JustMissTracy

stuart959 wrote: »

I am so very grateful to hear of the amazing progress that you have made since the original posting. I've been through several battles with loneliness, related to abuse, inappropriate emotional management (misuse of food, alcohol, sex, etc), and relational turmoil. It's rough but God loves us and He has a plan for our lives and hasn't given up on us. That has helped me so much to know I haven't been discarded no matter what is happening around and inside of me.

Well said. Noone is being discarded, not by Him. xo

Kait_Dee

I've lost a lot of weight and I was very self destructive along the way. I'm the co-founder of a program called N.A.S.T.Y and we focus on not only gym training with our athletes, but also change management, values that drive behavioural change and resiliency. Feel free to reach out if you'd like to chat - in the past five years I've been able to keep the weight off and rebound on the personal side of things and now live a very happy and healthy life, all around. Xo