Open mouth, insert foot

davemacdonald1

Who has done this? If so, what did you say?

Go.

PurringMyrrh

I was standing in the utility closet at work telling my coworker that some disgusting toothless tweeker that walked with a gimp and cane came looking for him. Turns out the guy was still like 15' to the left of the closet door and could hear me. When I glanced over and saw him, I was like "Oh, and here he is now" :laugh: Turns out he wasn't a meth head, just medically f'd up. Whoops.

Unknown

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TheRoadDog

If I don't stick my foot in my mouth on any given day, it means I didn't leave the house. Tuesday night I went to dinner with my daughter and her boyfriend. We were taking the "Balls of Fire" challenge at a local restaurant. Very hot fritters that are made with habenaros. I got mine down quickly; so did my daughter. But, her boyfriend was having a hard time. My daughter called him a pu s s y. I blurted out "You are what you eat" before I thought it through. That was a conversation stopper.

Spnneil06

my now best friend is a heavier girl. We started working at the hospital at the same time together. One night we were standing in the kitchen and she had a cookie, then another. Without thinking about it I said "You are having another cookie???" Immediately noticed how much I offended her, and apologized right there. I hadn't meant it the way it came out, but it was rude. Cemented our relationship! On her last day of working there I gave her a bag with two cookies in it.

mehwhatever

I read the title of the thread as "open mouth, insert food." Yeah... I think I'm a little hungry!

Long story short, I accidentally outed one of my gay friends to a group of his church friends. I was really tired that day and asked him how his boyfriend was doing without thinking. Everyone kind of gasped. I pretty much wanted to die, I felt so bad. I felt like such an as*hole!

MagnumBurrito

TheRoadDog wrote: »

If I don't stick my foot in my mouth on any given day, it means I didn't leave the house. Tuesday night I went to dinner with my daughter and her boyfriend. We were taking the "Balls of Fire" challenge at a local restaurant. Very hot fritters that are made with habenaros. I got mine down quickly; so did my daughter. But, her boyfriend was having a hard time. My daughter called him a pu s s y. I blurted out "You are what you eat" before I thought it through. That was a conversation stopper.

lololz

needernt

I inserted my socks in someone's mouth, when I saw him talking so rudely.

ntnunk

Having a group discussion at work yesterday about the company's health, progress, etc. My boss made the statement that one thing we could do is get rid of some problem product lines that never do well and always cause problems during implementation. He looked at me and said "Do you know which lines I'm talking about?" I said "Yes" and named off two different product lines without thinking much about it. The guy that is the head of one of them was standing right next to me while I basically advocated getting rid of his job.

CallMeCupcakeDammit

I've told this before, but it's the only one I can remember at the moment. I lived with my aunt and uncle when I was 19, and one night it was just my uncle and cousins at the table eating dinner. I burped, and my uncle said "that's not very ladylike!" You ever hear the joke about the girl who burps and her boyfriend says "that's not very ladylike," and she says "neither is putting your **** in my mouth, but you don't complain about that!" Yeah, I said it. Thankfully everyone, including my uncle, was in tears from laughter while I sat there wanting to die. I'm gonna sit by RoadDog now.

TheRoadDog

This is not the same as putting my foot in my mouth, but about a year ago we were cleaning out closets and making room for my daughter's things from college. She was helping my wife put stuff in our closet, when she came across a sex swing. She pulled it out and held it up, not putting two and two together. I walked in the room at that moment and saw it before she aksed my wife what it was. I burst out laughing and waited for my wife's reaction. When she looked up and turned red, my daughter figured it out and looked up at the oversized hook above our bed. She turned red too. I retreated.

CallMeCupcakeDammit

TheRoadDog wrote: »

This is not the same as putting my foot in my mouth, but about a year ago we were cleaning out closets and making room for my daughter's things from college. She was helping my wife put stuff in our closet, when she came across a sex swing. She pulled it out and held it up, not putting two and two together. I walked in the room at that moment and saw it before she aksed my wife what it was. I burst out laughing and waited for my wife's reaction. When she looked up and turned red, my daughter figured it out and looked up at the oversized hook above our bed. She turned red too. I retreated.

I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from snorting at my desk!

MagnumBurrito

CallMeCupcakeDammit wrote: »

TheRoadDog wrote: »

This is not the same as putting my foot in my mouth, but about a year ago we were cleaning out closets and making room for my daughter's things from college. She was helping my wife put stuff in our closet, when she came across a sex swing. She pulled it out and held it up, not putting two and two together. I walked in the room at that moment and saw it before she aksed my wife what it was. I burst out laughing and waited for my wife's reaction. When she looked up and turned red, my daughter figured it out and looked up at the oversized hook above our bed. She turned red too. I retreated.

I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from snorting at my desk!

Yes! Road dog you are on fire! These are hilarious

davemacdonald1

These are some fantastic stories!!!!

Pipsg1rl

More!

EZDUZIT68

A long time ago I flew down to Florida with my soon-to-be wife to visit her 90-year old grandmother; after a few days she asked me what I though of it, and I said (I don't know what possessed me) "Seems like a nice enough place to die..."

MagnumBurrito

EZDUZIT68 wrote: »

A long time ago I flew down to Florida with my soon-to-be wife to visit her 90-year old grandmother; after a few days she asked me what I though of it, and I said (I don't know what possessed me) "Seems like a nice enough place to die..."

Yes! lololz

TheVirgoddess

When I was younger, I worked in a flower shop. A gentleman came in, and was missing his left arm.

He asked me to make up something pretty for his mother, for Mother's Day. He said he didn't have a lot of money to spend, however.

I told him "I'll make something that looks like it cost you an arm and a leg!".

He held up his left stump and said "at least an arm anyway!".

I died.

EZDUZIT68

One more - though I can't take credit for it but it was the perfect setup.

Working in a control room, one of my coworkers was working up front "at the board" (I'll call him "Don") with his back to me and another guy (I'll call him "Roger") who were sitting at a console about 10 feet behind him. The three of us were discussing football and "Don" happened to be a huge Jets fan. A coworker entered the room from a rear door, and "Don" didn't bother to turn around to see who had walked in - he never did... the guy who walked in was a Philippine exchange student who was interning with us. Seeing an opportunity, "Roger" said to "Don" - You know, I was talking to the intern earlier and he thinks the Jets have no shot this Sunday -... without hesitation, "Don" says loudly - That F-ing Chinaman don't know *kitten*!" -

Of course, "Roger" & I start laughing (at the expense of the poor intern), so "Don" turns around and sees the intern... with a look of sheer embarrassment, "Don" says to him - I knew you were there the whole time, that's why I joked with you -

Haeviel

I have an uncle who is a veeeeeery hairy man & he's sort of really self conscious about it. I had no idea he was so hairy because he covers it up so well with clothes.
I asked him when he got off of working on the farm (like, with fields of berry bushes & wheat & corn). I thought he got his hands dirty & rubbed his ears dirty. I told him his ears looked really dark & if he dirtied them somehow on the farm.
He was so embarrassed he couldn't talk, his wife looked very uncomfortable while she told me it was just hair, tons of black hair cruuuusting his entire ear surface. 0_0 *insert foot into mouth*

CallMeCupcakeDammit

I needed copies of some drawings, so I called the reprographics place and asked them to pick up my drawings for copies. It had only been a few minutes, and I was in the middle of something else, when one of the couriers walked in. I said "Oh, I didn't think you would come so fast!" Neither of us could look the other in the eye after that.

EZDUZIT68

CallMeCupcakeDammit wrote: »

I needed copies of some drawings, so I called the reprographics place and asked them to pick up my drawings for copies. It had only been a few minutes, and I was in the middle of something else, when one of the couriers walked in. I said "Oh, I didn't think you would come so fast!" Neither of us could look the other in the eye after that.

I get it now... Spelling is everything

JazzFischer1989

EZDUZIT68 wrote: »

One more - though I can't take credit for it but it was the perfect setup.

Working in a control room, one of my coworkers was working up front "at the board" (I'll call him "Don") with his back to me and another guy (I'll call him "Roger") who were sitting at a console about 10 feet behind him. The three of us were discussing football and "Don" happened to be a huge Jets fan. A coworker entered the room from a rear door, and "Don" didn't bother to turn around to see who had walked in - he never did... the guy who walked in was a Philippine exchange student who was interning with us. Seeing an opportunity, "Roger" said to "Don" - You know, I was talking to the intern earlier and he thinks the Jets have no shot this Sunday -... without hesitation, "Don" says loudly - That F-ing Chinaman don't know *kitten*!" -

Of course, "Roger" & I start laughing (at the expense of the poor intern), so "Don" turns around and sees the intern... with a look of sheer embarrassment, "Don" says to him - I knew you were there the whole time, that's why I joked with you -

What dicks. That's not cool.

madhatter2013

Many years ago when my son was about 3, we were living with freinds. One couple had a younger child also. One weekend the other child was with his other parent so we all decided to go out to eat and have some fun while one of our roommates stayed home to watch my son. It was christmas eve, so today would be the 10th anniversary of this dumb@$$ moment. When we came back to the house, we noticed all the presents under the tree had been ransacked. My stupid @$$ asked if it was mine that did it (as in my child). Everyone looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet. FML

victoire713

LOL these are too funny!

I have had way too many of these moments. I can't remember when the last one was, though.