Insecurity sucks

alaynavee

This is me. It doesn't matter what people say otherwise; deep down inside, I feel so terribly insecure. I was at yoga this morning, have been faithfully going twice a week now for eight months. I have always been the heaviest/biggest person in the room, even though I'm (only) a size 14. In that time, I have seen my balance, flexibility and strength improve tremendously from where I started; every now and again I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and have been been caught off guard by something quite elegant in my posture or pose. But those moments are few - most times I can only concentrate on what is there that I don't like - my heavy upper arms, thighs, tummy, and most of all my failure at what I haven't done: more cardio, weights, etc. because everyone around me clearly does. They do what so far I have been incapable of. Maybe it was just a moment, but I wanted to cry. Anyone else ever feel this way?

pavingnewpaths

These people aren't where they are because their abilities are inherent. One of my favorite quotes to consider when I don't see the results I want is, "The output is what you put in and it ain't enough."

However, what you feel is completely normal. I felt the same way at the gym this morning during my zumba class. As you strengthen your body and get fitter, you'll also do the same to your mind. But it won't happen on its own. You need to put in just as much mental effort. Verbally praise yourself, reward yourself, be proud of yourself, and eventually that insecurity will dissipate along with the pounds.

TiberiusClaudis

It happens to all of us at all levels of fitness. Always something we think is behind, or way behind. Remember this is a race of 1, yourself. Not others. Other people have different motivations, different genes, different diets...you only have influence of what you can do. These things take time...each step forward is a step. Keep going...you have a lot of company on this journey.

Lourdesong

I think it's likely quite advantageous to focus on what we don't like about ourselves. We're problem-solvers. Look at the list of things you came up with on what you need to or should be doing to solve the problems you see in the mirror. You didn't come up with a similar list for the glimpses of yourself that you admired, other than being able to admire yourself makes you feel good. But even there, we're back where we started on why we focus on problems more than our virtues.

Adc7225

Yes, but think about how much money is being spent on cosmetic surgery these days - I believe everyone has those moments. Sometimes it's just a thought when we see someone in something we admire and wonder, could I pull that off, or will I ever look like that? Then that little voice either tells us 'heck yeah!' or 'never in this lifetime' for whatever issue we perceive.

I know how you feel, I went through that this morning at the gym, walked in feeling great, not even sure what happened that made me second guess myself and all that I have accomplished. Being that we are going through physical and mental changes right now it is hard to think back to were we were before this and pretty much realize we always had these thought - just focused on different issues. Since I was overweight and clothing wasn't so much my focus, it focused on purses and shoes, now not so much don't be too hard on yourself, allow yourself those moments and celebrate those times when you realize how great you really are and how far you have come.

MakePeasNotWar

Lourdesong wrote: »

I think it's likely quite advantageous to focus on what we don't like about ourselves. We're problem-solvers. Look at the list of things you came up with on what you need to or should be doing to solve the problems you see in the mirror. You didn't come up with a similar list for the glimpses of yourself that you admired, other than being able to admire yourself makes you feel good. But even there, we're back where we started on why we focus on problems more than our virtues.

I used to think that was true, but I think that our emotional attachment to our flaws is counterproductive because it makes us feel weak and helpless and less likely to take risks or bold moves to improve. If it were possible to separate the shame from the equation and just see it as a list of things for improvement, it would be great, but most of us, I think maybe women especially, can't get that emotional detachment.

I feel like focusing on virtues and successes can breed a feeling of agency and efficacy, and make a person realize that they are capable of change and they can succeed and they are worth putting effort into (again, seems like the last one applies to women more, but that might just be because men aren't so open about it). That way, when we do have a problem, we are motivated and confident that we can fix it.

I'm no expert, but as someone who's been on both ends of the self esteem spectrum, I can honestly say that I am way more productive and self disciplined when I feel good about myself.

TropicalParaMonster

I couldn't have found a more relatable post than this to me, especially after yesterday. I seem to fear how I will feel after I reach my goal weight, because it just seems that I really don't love myself regardless of how much weight I lose. I think we kind of need to try and strengthen our love for who we are as people, focus on what we like about ourselves rather than dwell on all the bad. I know it's much easier said than done, but we have to push and try. Living your life hating who you are or how you look won't bring you happiness in anyway. Every minute of every day you will think of who you could have been or what you would have looked like or whatever it is yet that is so emotionally draining.

I feel the way you do a few times weekly, and I'm trying so hard to change that. Because now more than ever I realize regardless of how much weight I lose I will never enjoy it, because i dwell far too much on the what if's and maybes. Just try and take it one step at a time, positive affirmations have helped me tremendously over the past few months. It used to be so much worse and I literally have no confidence in myself, positively affirming daily will kind of build that confidence in your mind to be whoever you want to be. We can do it I know for a fact you can do it, focus on the good, we all support you!

NoelFigart1

I've been chewing on this one. I know I don't look like it, but I actually was an assistant manager at a Diet Center(TM) for about four years.

One of the terrible, terrible things about the weight cycling industry (with the failure at keeping it off, I refuse to call it weight loss any more) is that it NEVER EVER wants you to feel comfortable in your own skin or good enough. Sure, individuals might be kindly enough, but for the most part, it is a field that relies on you not liking yourself and not feeling good about yourself.

When you don't feel good about yourself, you're much more vulnerable to the sales pitch.

Now, that said, your problem was focusing on the negatives in the mirror, and no-one was trying to sell you a thing in that moment. You were just taking a class and being self-critical.

Step outside that for a moment. Imagine that the someone in that mirror isn't you, but was someone you love. Someone you'd take a bullet for. Someone whose happiness meant the world to you.

Now listen to that person talk about herself. What would you say? How would you treat her? Would you encourage her and remind her of her successes and what an amazing person she really is?

I bet you would.

A strategy that can work (nothing works for everyone of course) is when you catch yourself being really self critical, to step outside yourself and think how you'd treat another person not yourself if you heard them talking that way about themselves.

You deserve love and care and compassion from yourself just as you'd give it to other people you love. It's okay to do that. You won't be giving yourself permission to slack, any more than you'd do it for someone else you deeply care about.

alaynavee

I wish all your responses came with a 'like' button! Thanks to each of you for your words of wisdom and encouragement - I know everyone likely feels inferior from time to time, I just have a hard time remembering it especially when I'm at the gym. But I shall carry on with more kindness to myself...thanks again

47Jacqueline

NoelFigart1 wrote: »

I've been chewing on this one. I know I don't look like it, but I actually was an assistant manager at a Diet Center(TM) for about four years.

One of the terrible, terrible things about the weight cycling industry (with the failure at keeping it off, I refuse to call it weight loss any more) is that it NEVER EVER wants you to feel comfortable in your own skin or good enough. Sure, individuals might be kindly enough, but for the most part, it is a field that relies on you not liking yourself and not feeling good about yourself.

When you don't feel good about yourself, you're much more vulnerable to the sales pitch.

I once went to a commercial diet center and was quite successful. When I reached the goal I set for myself, I stopped going. For about a year and a half after that they would call periodically to "see how I was doing." The attitude was one of disbelief and condescension when I would say I was fine. I finally had to tell them to stop calling. If I paid attention to their ongoing pitch I would have been in really bad shape.

Now that I think of it, it does seem like people who have been in the yoga classes I've been to were relatively fit, but I don't remember that all were tiny. Mostly, I don't remember who was in the classes I took because I was concentrating too much on trying to stand on one leg successfully.

Right now, my biggest self-criticism is about the loose skin dangling on the lower part of my arms. ;-/ I can't do anything about it because there's no muscle to firm up there and I'm pretty slim and fit. It's just unattractive.

JayRuby84

I have compared myself to others ever since elementary school. I seem to do it a bit less as I'm getting older and hope that trend stays. I hope for your sake you can look at yourself with more compassion about who you are and everything that you have accomplished and not so much what you haven't. If you need to make healthier choices in your life, like better foods, less processed crap, less sodium or whatever you vice is, I hope you can choose to do that. You mentioned a lot of positive things that you have noticed when looking in that mirror in yoga. When you look in the mirror, make a conscience maybe even awkward effort to tell yourself what good things you see. Tell the other things to freaking piss off. Anyway, I wish the best to you.

Lourdesong

MakePeasNotWar wrote: »

Lourdesong wrote: »

I think it's likely quite advantageous to focus on what we don't like about ourselves. We're problem-solvers. Look at the list of things you came up with on what you need to or should be doing to solve the problems you see in the mirror. You didn't come up with a similar list for the glimpses of yourself that you admired, other than being able to admire yourself makes you feel good. But even there, we're back where we started on why we focus on problems more than our virtues.

I used to think that was true, but I think that our emotional attachment to our flaws is counterproductive because it makes us feel weak and helpless and less likely to take risks or bold moves to improve. If it were possible to separate the shame from the equation and just see it as a list of things for improvement, it would be great, but most of us, I think maybe women especially, can't get that emotional detachment.

I feel like focusing on virtues and successes can breed a feeling of agency and efficacy, and make a person realize that they are capable of change and they can succeed and they are worth putting effort into (again, seems like the last one applies to women more, but that might just be because men aren't so open about it). That way, when we do have a problem, we are motivated and confident that we can fix it.

I'm no expert, but as someone who's been on both ends of the self esteem spectrum, I can honestly say that I am way more productive and self disciplined when I feel good about myself.

I don't necessarily disagree with you, you make good points. How we internalize these things certainly matters.