getting more and more restrictive

tartansheep

so. I was 150lb at 5'10. Lost down to 125lb (thanks to a hideous stomach flu! didn't want to get that thin!) and then regained to 135lb, which is where I am now.

The thing is that I am restricting so much. It started with no chocolate, no cakes, no crisps. Then red meat, then white meat, then fish. Then, I stopped eating (processed) carbs, and cut out dairy products, and then finally went fully vegan. I stopped drinking alcohol as well.

Now I only really eat vegetables and fruits, soups and brown rice.

The thing is that I also feel incredibly guilty whenever I eat more than 800 calories a day. I know this is bizarre, but I feel so bad about myself if I "overeat" that I have to work out to burn off anything extra, and sometimes (okay, all the time) I burn off everything I have eaten.

I am a bit worried. Whilst I am losing weight, I don't personally consider myself to be anywhere near unhealthy in body, but I know that my mindset is not well at all, at the moment.

I think if I go to a doctor they will laugh at me, and maybe also stop me losing weight. I mean, I'm not overweight. I never have been.

I don't know what to do. I hate eating around people, I hate having no energy, I hate how obsessed I am with food - cooking it, watching programmes about it, reading about it. I just want to be back to where I was, but better and healthier, without the crap.


Pretty miserable. When I got to 125lb I was so happy. I thought I looked fat but not as fat, and I liked being unable to keep food down when I was ill. Now, I just see lumpen flesh and wobbly bits and flab. What's happening to me?! I've never been neurotic about my weight.

[edit]

I don't want to post my diary. I'm ashamed at how much I eat. Honestly, you'd think I have binge eating disorder! I ate so so much today.

brianpperkins

Guilt about eating 800 calories screams disordered thinking. Go get help.

tartansheep

brianpperkins wrote: »

Guilt about eating 800 calories screams disordered thinking. Go get help.

Yeah, but I still eat more than that. I'm a healthy weight, even a little more than I would like to be, but still a healthy weight. Like, I do eat more than that. I'm just -- I want to be able to enjoy food again. I've not had chocolate cake for months!

brianpperkins

The fact that you make yourself eat more doesn't change the fact that guilt over eating so little is disordered. You can get help now before the actions match the thinking or you can wait until after the actions start following the guilty feelings and thoughts. Your choice.

rosebette

If you're 5'10", at 125 lbs. you were an unhealthy body weight, with a BMI below 18. At 135, you are still in the very low normal range around 19. So, you are already very low weight, not fat, and you are restricting foods and feeling guilt at eating more than 800 calories. This is certainly disordered eating behavior. You might need some professional help.

tartansheep

rosebette wrote: »

If you're 5'10", at 125 lbs. you were an unhealthy body weight, with a BMI below 18. At 135, you are still in the very low normal range around 19. So, you are already very low weight, not fat, and you are restricting foods and feeling guilt at eating more than 800 calories. This is certainly disordered eating behavior. You might need some professional help.

I'm small framed though. Nobody noticed I was that small, maybe as they're used to me being massive ha. I want to lose another 5lb, maybe 8lb and then I'll stop I'm more like 5'9.5 anyway, but I round up. So my BMI isn't that low at all.

I'm annoyed at myself I guess? I started uni in September and I feel like I could have got myself sorted and stuff but everyone always jokes about how much I eat or how I'm always eating and it's getting to me a lot.

Thing is one of my good friends was diagnosed in the summer with anorexia and another friend has been inpatient for it, so I can't help thinking there is nothing wrong with me. The doctor hasn't noticed me looking thinner.

rosebette

You'd have to be tiny framed for 135 to be a high weight for you. Even at 150, a 5'9.5" woman is hardly "massive." Perhaps you are overly concerned about how much you are eating because you already have friends with eating issues. With all your food restrictions, it's a wonder you are getting any nutrition because you have cut out some basic food groups that provide you with protein and essential fats (yes, some fat is good).

Linnaea27

It sounds like you have developed disordered thinking. I think you need to see a counselor about this.

At 5' 9.5" and 125 lbs, you had a BMI of 18.2. This is underweight. Please listen to your nagging intuition that you have a problem-- it sounds like you do, unfortunately. Have you heard of "orthorexia"? This is an eating disorder where people feel they must eat only "clean" or "right" foods and severely restrict food groups, which is what you are doing. I have a friend who does this at times when she feels she doesn't have enough control over her life otherwise and it's very distressing to witness.

Learn how to eat everything in moderation-- that is what successfully, long-term slim, healthy individuals tend to do. I think at your height 135 lbs is a good weight-- very slim, but not underweight. At that weight you have a BMI of 19.6, which is fine and on the lower end of healthy.

It sounds like your imagination is playing tricks on you that you see lumps and bulges.

brianpperkins

You start a thread with worries about becoming overly restrictive ... yet are completely dismissive of any feedback.

What answers are you looking for since it's obvious that logic isn't one of them?

allanakern

eat more. lift weights. get help. problem solved. I lose fat on 1600 calories a day.

malibu927

You should never feel guilty about eating. Please seek the help of a professional.

tartansheep

brianpperkins wrote: »

You start a thread with worries about becoming overly restrictive ... yet are completely dismissive of any feedback.

What answers are you looking for since it's obvious that logic isn't one of them?

It's more that I was wondering if anyone had a way to ease myself back into eating a more varied diet. To be honest the idea that I might have disordered eating is scary, plus I can't help thinking I'm too fat for that.

Thank you for your answers, though. I've done some reading about orthorexia and I think that sounds like it fits me? My doctor is up at uni though so I'l lhave to wait until January to see someone about it. I've made a right mess of myself, haven't I.

brianpperkins

tartansheep wrote: »

brianpperkins wrote: »

You start a thread with worries about becoming overly restrictive ... yet are completely dismissive of any feedback.

What answers are you looking for since it's obvious that logic isn't one of them?

It's more that I was wondering if anyone had a way to ease myself back into eating a more varied diet. To be honest the idea that I might have disordered eating is scary, plus I can't help thinking I'm too fat for that.

Thank you for your answers, though. I've done some reading about orthorexia and I think that sounds like it fits me? My doctor is up at uni though so I'l lhave to wait until January to see someone about it. I've made a right mess of myself, haven't I.

Again .. you try to dismiss what others see so readily in your post. Guilt over a tiny intake ... ever increasing restrictions ... now "I can't help thinking I'm too fat for that" coupled with recognition that your behaviors besides intake might resemble orthorexia ... all of those individually scream to get help.

rosebette

You may also have something called body dysmorphia, which is a disordered body image. Believing at 135 lbs. that you are "too fat" is sending out signals that your perception of your appearance is unrealistic. You haven't made a "right mess" of yourself. Just think about some ways to reintroduce some foods into your diet.

NicoleisQuantized

brianpperkins wrote: »

You start a thread with worries about becoming overly restrictive ... yet are completely dismissive of any feedback.

What answers are you looking for since it's obvious that logic isn't one of them?

QFT. See a counsellor.

tartansheep

rosebette wrote: »

You may also have something called body dysmorphia, which is a disordered body image. Believing at 135 lbs. that you are "too fat" is sending out signals that your perception of your appearance is unrealistic. You haven't made a "right mess" of yourself. Just think about some ways to reintroduce some foods into your diet.

thank you. I didn't know how serious this might be - just scared myself with Googling. I'm going to see a doctor as soon as I can.

justcat206

You sound exactly like I used to be. I was underweight but thought I was fat. Felt guilty about everything I ate, even when I forced myself to eat. Counted all my calories and worked out too much. Guess what, I FINALLY (after about 6 years) came to grips with the fact that I had an eating disorder. But not before it did horrible things to my body and my metabolism (hair falling out, easy bruising, dull skin, autoimmune disorder, etc). I know how hard it is to consider, but I promise you that your doctor will neither laugh at you nor scold you. S/he will however help you to devise a plan to get healthy again and resolve your emotional troubles.

Another thing that helped me a lot (which I think has been mentioned) was to find a form of exercize I enjoyed (in my case weight lifting) that I loved - I began to look at food as fuel for my workout instead of as the enemy I had to avoid. You can't lift heavy (or run far or swim fast etc) without food in your system (I tried and blacked out in the gym on the regular). I decided I'd rather build sexy muscles than starve myself skinny and while I still battle dysmorphia now and then, I've made huge strides in developing a healthier relationship with food and my body.

Best wishes for your recovery! I understand the excuses so well, but getting help now will save you a world of trouble in the future, I promise!

justcat206

tartansheep wrote: »

rosebette wrote: »

You may also have something called body dysmorphia, which is a disordered body image. Believing at 135 lbs. that you are "too fat" is sending out signals that your perception of your appearance is unrealistic. You haven't made a "right mess" of yourself. Just think about some ways to reintroduce some foods into your diet.

thank you. I didn't know how serious this might be - just scared myself with Googling. I'm going to see a doctor as soon as I can.

Fantastic!

saofei

Anorexiaaaa disorder it is starting already she is 5.9
A Asian girl of 5.6 weights 100. Omg and they don't eat anything except 1 meal either dessert or a rice soup. I'm Chinese so I know how Asians girls in hong Kong are. Same as her obsessed with weight loss.

Liftng4Lis

tartansheep wrote: »

thank you. I didn't know how serious this might be - just scared myself with Googling. I'm going to see a doctor as soon as I can.

Seriously, do this ASAP!

melimomTARDIS

Yikes. Especially the "getting more an more restrictive" part.

999tigger

What they said you ahve a very unhealthy relationship with food and body image, which scream mental health issues. At least you recognise your own perception of healthy and how you go about things is not normal. As suggested above if you wnat a beter body then consider mroe exercise, inluding lifting some weights so you get more shape. thats a healthy pursuit than weight loss for weight losses sake. You have sopemthing to aim for and you will achieve things you cant simply by making yourself miserable.

UnicornAmanda

I really think you should talk to a professional. I had a lot food issues and i went therapy for a few years. It helps. Your state of mind is really disordered, as was mine, except i wasnt underweight or restrictive, i was obese... disordered thinking is disordered thinking though. With help, you can get better and stop obsessing over food...