Lowest point at the last week of the year. Someone slap me.

WanderingPomme

November 2012 180LBS (my biggest)
June 2013 I was 115lbs
Maintained quite well after that but wanted to lose more because I was going to go on vacation.
December 2013 felt the binge symptoms develop.

Fast forward to present:

This week alone I have consumed 14,000 calories over.
I'm trying to lose at 1,360 everyday.
I'm 5'3" I don't even know what my actual weight is anymore but
Jan 1, 2014 I was 108 lbs
Feb 108 (lowest weight ever)
March 111
April 110
May 120
June 116
July 116
August 117
Sept 112
October 113
November 113
Dec 114

And well...
As of Dec 15 I was 120LBS.

This morning I was 120lbs as well that's because I haven't eaten in two days. Today would be day three. I've been sipping on tea and chugging water the past few days.

Three days of binge eating. TOM too.

In two weeks, I've just been eating crap and finally it has caught up to me.

Yes, I do know that it is unhealthy and I realize I have a problem. Binge eating, yes, I know. I do not purge though.

I workout the first two weeks, it has kept me sane but I just lost myself along the way. Lost my self control. Never have I had three days of binge eating straight. Whenever I look at my diary, I just disgust myself with how much I put down in just a few hours. Whole pint of ice cream, packages of biscuits, cookies, chocolates, cereal, waffles, bread.

Yes, I feel bad. I know it was my fault. I am bloated like a moon.

Biggest and worst binge ever. It started with me logging excess food for the next day. Then I was like, okay I can eat less on the day after that so I can eat more now, it'll all balance out. Then suddenly I've logged everything for two weeks and I have no more allowance for food. And I'm just crap.

All I'm looking for now is support and whoever is going through the same thing. Please please tell me how you did it. How you battled this problem. I really am at my lowest point right now. Confidence down the drain. Full of self hatred with what I did over the past few days. It's even putting a strain on my relationships.

I know I've lost it before, I can do it again, tomorrow's a new day, but right now I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.

For me, tomorrow is a new day to talk myself out of binge eating.

On the plus side though, my period came back a month ago and this week. I haven't had it naturally in months. That's something, I guess.

But help, please? Someone slap me.

tomatoey

Aw, come on, you're not crap at all. We have a limited amount of mental energy for deprivation. With a very low calorie target, a too-low target, all your brainpower is going to inhibiting a normal need to be satiated. The lower the target, the more willpower you need. Your body rebelled, because you're not giving it enough to work with.

Your 1360 budget was just too low. (So was your weight by the way, that's clear, because you lost your period for a while.) Your body freaked out at TOM, which is a time it actually needs more calories because your uterus and hormones are doing real work.

Increase your calories, and you'll feel better, and your weight will settle to where it should be. I would set them at a maintenance level for the middle of your BMI, to start with. Just checking -- at 5'3, that's between 105 and 140, so120 is probably about right. Somewhere between 1550 and 1750 is what you should be eating, and your body knows it.

Pootler74

Geneen Roth would tell you that for every (very calorie restricted) diet there is an equal and opposite binge. It's so, so true.

What Tamoatoey says is golden. I can't really add anything to it, because her advice is spot on. What I can tell you is that lots of us on here have been exactly where you are now. And through repeatedly over-restricting and then bingeing, we have finally learned that the easiest, most sustainable way to lose weight is to do it:

• With moderation
• Slowly
• With kindness
• With acceptance that you will screw up, because accepting it will help you get right back on plan at the very next meal.

One of the hardest things to accept is that you can win this race, but you have to take the scenic route. It's definitely a marathon, not a sprint. In the end, you will give yourself a better chance of succeeding (and even enjoying the journey) by at least eating round about your BMR over many, many months, rather than eating way below it for a few days or weeks and then eating all the calories back in a binge.

And let me give you a gentle warning: my mother has been on very low calorie diets on and off her whole life. She has screwed up her metabolism and wasted away her muscle to the point that despite still being overweight, no diet will ever work for her. The best she can do is maintain. In addition to this, she has probably given herself more wrinkles than she might have had because she's been so starved of fats and other nutrients. Eating so few calories is bad for your body. Yours has clearly told you so: your period stopped, and only started again when you ate more. Your body does that because it knows it is not healthy enough to carry a baby.

Forgive yourself for the binges. When we binge, or do lots of other damaging behaviours, we are really only trying to take care of ourselves with the best tools and skills we have at that moment. Your body needed food, so your brain made sure you had it. That's all.

If you are a binger, I don't think it ever really leaves you, but it can get better. When you eat a healthier diet with enough protein and fats, you will feel less inclined to binge.

How about you try to eat at maintenance for a while, see how that feels? Your weight is pretty good for your height, so if you do insist on losing, you should aim for only half a pound a week. That's just 250 calories less than maintenance a day.

However, you might get better results from exercise rather than dieting. Regular exercise can also remove the impulse to binge, and it will tone you up rather than making you skinny. You might find that it makes you feel even better than losing weight would.

Nicola0000

Just forget about what you've eaten recently, how much you weighed in at. Just think of today as a new day. Make sure as Pootler74 says, keep your deficit small. And don't deprive yourself. Don't totally cut out favourite foods, as this will make you crave and binge. Everything in moderation.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, brush yourself off, today's a new day!! Start from scratch.

TavistockToad

Speak to a professional, get some help.

MalineVD

Don't freak out about it.. I have a history of an eating disorder and think I might know how you feel.
The thing that works for me is this: see food as fuel for your body. You only have one body and you better treat it right, so it is able to do all the things you want it to do. I don't really look at calories or anything. Just try to think objectively 'the thing I'm about to put in my mouth, is it making me any healthier?'. Don't think about your weight, think about what makes you healthy, makes you feel good. The weight will follow automatically and sets on a point where it should be. You feel like *kitten* after you ate cookies, but never after you ate an apple. Sure, the taste of some "bad" foods can be amazing, but drugs can also feel amazing but they are able to kill you. That's how I compare it..