I'm back

TheVattz

Christmas and family time is over, and with 2014 behind me here is what I have so far.

March 2014, I found out I weighed 246lb. Did blood sugar tests and turned up pre-diabetic with a fasting blood glucose of 116! Yikes! I was over 70 lb overweight. I was extremely out of shape, and my depression (which, looking back had been with me for at least a decade) had come to a head. I could barely function as a human being.

In late June, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me (not because of my weight, although my insecurities tell me I was never attractive enough for her to begin with.) On July 4th, 2014, I had to call 911 on her because I caught her cutting her wrists, she had been cutting before and I knew that if I didn't stop her, she would kill herself. I had to make a tough decision. I made sure she got into the right facilities to get treatment. How she responded to treatment isn't my business anymore. I will never see her again, nor do I want to no matter how much I may miss her, or how much I loved her.

My mother was treated for cancer this year. It came as a surprise to me. She's fine. But I still worry. They didn't tell me about it until only a week prior to her surgery. They didn't want to worry me. Hell, my parents didn't even want me to be there for it. Not because they don't love me, but exactly because they do. Even as an adult there are still things they try to protect me from. I don't blame them, and I'm grateful. Life sucks, and they've been the only barrier that mitigated the stream of *kitten* from getting into my soul, I was always a sensitive kid, and I have to make peace with the fact that even as an adult, I still am. Even with all their efforts, as you can plainly see, some still got in.

2014 was a terrible year for me and those I love. It was a year where my depression almost took me, where I had thoughts of suicide every single day for months on end. Where every night my sleep was plagued with nightmares. I can't remember the last time I had a good dream. Depression finally diagnosed, and shrinks looking into the possibility that I may also suffer from ADHD, no 2014 was not a good year.

It is now January 2015, my birthday is coming up. I will be 27.

Since that fateful day, that doctors appointment sometime in March, I have lost 20 lb. I now weigh 226. My blood glucose is a wonderful 84. I even dropped a pants size, I was at the first notch on my belt, now I'm at the FOURTH! Things are gradually looking up...

It's not over. I re-enrolled in kickboxing just this morning and took a class. Woke up early to do it, too. Tomorrow, I will do the same thing AND I'll be measuring my body composition. That's right, from here on out, every month I will check my body fat percentage until I have reached not just the norm, but right there at 11-12%.

I keep saying in my head "five to six days a week" and "today, today, today, tomorrow you'll wish you did it yesterday" is becoming a mantra. I have A LOT of work ahead. Much more work than regular people. Regular people won't understand that being overweight for so long, and being SO overweight is not easy to change. You see those body-transformation commercials all the time and think "it HAS to be easy" but it isn't.

I have a long way to go. After I reduce fat, I'm building muscle. I want a family, and I want my own kids. I won't get that looking like a shapeless bag of adipose. I'm shallow, but it allows me to assess myself and improve on what nature gave me. I'm not just doing this to be attractive though, don't get it twisted...

Wouldn't it be just great to wake up one day, see a toned figure in the mirror and not be worried about my weight? I think it would be a great and liberating feeling. Maintenance is hard, but it will never be as hard as the uphill battle of improvement. In the end, it's worth it.

2014 was a bad year, but you know something? I still made some headway. I can't lose sight of what I'm doing. Is 2015 going to be my year? Lets find out.