Death of a loved one, weight gain and loss of all energy

Mamapaul76

Anyone else here trying to lose after gaining post the loss of a loved one?

2.5 yrs ago I lost my 7yo daughter to cancer. I was already a bit overweight then but I have gained another 25-30 lbs on top of that. I have no energy and really just want to sleep all the time.

I am pursuing my nursing degree, so I am busy between school, my surviving son and my husband/home/church. I seriously just feel "jet lagged" all.of.the.time. I go because I have to and people depend on me. I do have to nap nearly every day because I get to the point where I cannot keep my eyes open.

I have dug out my SBD books and am going to do it. I'm nearly 40 and need to get this under control and get my energy back.

Anyone know how long that may take?

SLLRunner

Mrspaulson,

I have no advice. My heart goes out to you.

TheVirgoddess

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

ana3067

I'm going to guess that you should consult a therapist because the way you describe how you feel and go about your life are similar to depression symptoms.

Otherwise, weight loss is all about eating fewer calories than your body currently burns. I'd recommend that you use a calculator like exrx.net/Calculators/CalRequire.html or health-calc.com/diet/energy-expenditure-advanced (I prefer the 2nd one) to estimate your current maintenance needs. Only include activity you regularly do, and average it out. Or you can input a typical "busy" day and jot down the maintenance it provides, then do a typical "lazy" day, add the two numbers together and divide by 2 to get your estimated maintenance needs. Both methods should give the same/similar number. Then I'd recommend eating that much for a month or two. The caveat with this is that you need to track daily to make sure you are not regularly overeating, and weighing your food will be the most accurate way to log your intake. If after a month you have mostly maintained your weight (a few lbs up or down is normal fluctuation), then you can remove 20% from that maintenance number nad set that as a weight loss eating goal. Lower that goal as your weight loss stalls/slows, recalculate entirely if desired to work from new numbers, eat at maintenance w hen you need breaks, etc. Proper logging is essential. If you don't have the energy for your current life hassles you might not be ready yet to use MFP as it's designed to be used, and I'd again recommend talking to a therapist to see if there are some problems with depression lending to your poor energy. Talk to them and your doctor about different potential ways to go about dealing with it as well - in some cases medication really is a must, so don't discount it.

Aemely

I do not have personal experience with the loss of a child, but I have felt that lethargic want-to-sleep-all-the-time feeling from time to time when I was depressed. I am a bit worried by your statement "I go because I have to and people depend on me."

What about your needs? Are you taking care of yourself? I used to wait around for my significant other to do something, but I realized that he's not responsible for what I do with my own body and mental health. So, now, I tell him "I'm going for a walk now!" and go do 20 mins. or "I'm going to watch a movie at 3pm!" and just do it, just for me.

Perhaps you may feel spending time on yourself is selfish, but taking care of yourself helps you be strong and healthy for your husband and child, so it really is necessary.

You have the right to say NO to activities (such as church functions) and to replace them with something that will make you happy. Your happiness is critical to your family's happiness, so don't feel guilty about investing in yourself. You could even do something with an older child such as learning a fun activity together (bowling, skating, arts & crafts, etc.).

Feel free to friend me, if you like! I pray for you and your family to heal and move forward in your lives together.

Kalikel

I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter's death and will say a prayer for your family.

Grieving is different for everyone and there is no right way or length of time there. Anyone going to school full time and taking care of a family would be whipped! Add grieving and Lord...no wonder you nap! Take it easy on yourself and don't get mad at you if you need some breaks.

Is SBD "South Beach"? It's supposed to be really healthy and many people have done really well with that. Surely you'll need a PE credit to graduate, so maybe you could pick a class and get some exercise that way.

Exercising kicked my asp when I began it. For the first few weeks, I was like, "Wait, isn't this supposed to give me MORE energy? Wth?!" But then it kicked in and I did feel more energized. I was also in a better mood. I had a small procedure that knocked me off my feet for a couple weeks and I seriously missed it at first...then the lazy thing got easy! When I was back up again, I wasn't sure I wanted to go back to it. I did, though, and it was rough for two days, then it felt great again. It is amazing how fast you adapt to not doing any exercise. But you adapt to doing it pretty quickly, too.

Good luck with school and your diet!

RodaRose

mrspauleon wrote: »

Anyone else here trying to lose after gaining post the loss of a loved one?

2.5 yrs ago I lost my 7yo daughter to cancer. I was already a bit overweight then but I have gained another 25-30 lbs on top of that. I have no energy and really just want to sleep all the time.

I am pursuing my nursing degree, so I am busy between school, my surviving son and my husband/home/church. I seriously just feel "jet lagged" all.of.the.time. I go because I have to and people depend on me. I do have to nap nearly every day because I get to the point where I cannot keep my eyes open.

I have dug out my SBD books and am going to do it. I'm nearly 40 and need to get this under control and get my energy back.

Anyone know how long that may take?

I am very sorry to hear about your daughter's passing.
Make an appt with a psychiatrist to be evaluated.
The "jet lagged" feeling you describe is likely depression.
Make an appt with a gp for some blood work to rule out depression.
While you are there, you can ask about the SBD.
Do you live in a part of the country with the cold crummy weather?
Some people can feel better by getting some sunshine.

emi1997

I lost 20 kilos 8 years ago, kept it off, and then gained it all back when my dad, to whom I was always very close, got diagnosed with cancer. Grief is such a very complex thing to deal with, and unfortunately many Christians seem to think we should cope just fine with it.... rubbish! If you break a leg, you need a doctor. If you are depressed, you need a doctor. Treatment varies according to the severity, and many find that CBT helps, along with exercise, others need treatment with drugs. I really sympathise. I stopped exercising because I was spending long hours driving Dad to treatment each day, and comfort ate a lot, while looking after two small children. I felt similarly lethargic and constantly tired. My dad finally died last year. I reckon I was also struggling with low level depression much of that time, and probably still am, but I have found a way to deal with it. I have always loathed running/jogging, although on and off I did half-hearted attempts at other exercise, and never could do even a 5 minute run without feeling like my lungs would explode. However, I decided to follow one of the numerous free 'couch to 5k' programmes which are available online, which take things at a very gentle pace. I knew that physical exercise really can help with treating depression, and can only say that it is worth trying out for a few weeks, as it has made an immeasurable difference to my general mood. By the time I was able to run for 30 minutes without stopping (I still almost can't believe I can actually do this!) I found it had made a huge difference to my energy levels and general feeling of well being, and the endorphins released after a lunch break run mean I have a real buzz for the rest of that day. I still don't like the actual run, but I love feeling like I am less tired and can actually cope with life. Feel free to friend me - am guessing you are across the pond from me, but there are many folk out there wanting to support each other, and it doesn't matter where we are. Praying for you on your journey - hang in there, it can get easier.

PeachyCarol

I am so sorry for your loss. That jet-lagged feeling sounds like you are depressed, and you might benefit from some counseling. The counseling will help your weight loss efforts in the long run as well. All the best to you and your family.

TimothyFish

I've never experienced the loss of a child, but we've all experienced sorrow. It may seem counterintuitive, but exercise is the best way to get past being tired all the time. Bicyclists frequently say, "my bike is my therapist," for good reason. Exercise causes our bodies to release endorphins that lift our spirits. Exercise may not be the complete solution, but it helps.

Liftng4Lis

Very sorry for your loss.

dramaqueen45

I agree with all of the above regarding seeing a psychiatrist and the possibility of depression. You may also wish to get evaluated for hypothyroid because if your thyroid is not functioning that can cause you to be very tired as well. Sorry for your loss.

Azdak

Physical inactivity and emotional distress can create a self-reinforcing cycle. Changing one element can sometimes help improve the other. It's hard to take the first step, but even finding 20 min to do some moderate activity can help to change things. You might find that with a little activity you don't feel as tired. It can also help with emotions in a physiological way. I wish you all the best.

cbhubbybubble

So sorry for your loss. We lost a son to a car accident 10 years ago. There are no timelines on grief. It never goes away, but it generally does get easier to manage over time.

I concur that getting a physical workup to rule out thyroid, etc is a good idea. When my hypothyroid was diagnosed I was super tired, couldn't stay awake a full day and all the classic symptoms. I ended up losing most of a Uni semester that year cuz I just couldn't make it to classes.

I also agree that exercise is a great natural way to stave off depressive emotions. Since I seriously started a fitness and lifting routine, my overall moods are much improved. I ask myself all the time why I didn't discover this "cure" before. When I am held back from my gym routines for a time, I definitely notice myself slipping into couch potato mode more easily. This isn't to say that you shouldn't seek out someone to talk to if it's bad, but some exercise routine on top of that may help.

Best of luck

Lkbaker

I have gained about 10 lbs since my daughter died in a car accident last year. I do tire and get out of breath easier, but I don't want to sleep all the time. I did however feel that way when my son died 12 years ago. I went to the doctor and was treated for depression. You may want to go to the doctor. Grief is the hardest thing I've ever been through because it's something we carry every day and just because we aren't crying all the time that we are ok. They have no idea what's going on inside us. I will pray for you. Start out slow and build up. Good luck to you sweetie !!

Kalikel

It's not a bad idea to see a therapist.

However, grief and clinical depression share many of the same symptoms and grieving doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you that needs to be fixed. It doesn't mean you're depressed in a way that needs treating or in a way that can be shaken off or anything. Depression, in the usual sense of the word, is part of grief. It's normal to be sad when you grieve.

The best thing for grief is still time. Take all you need. There is no, "She should be over this by now." No deadlines. No "I ought to feel better" deadline.

You'll get through this. You will move on, slowly. You can't force it. Each year will get better than the last.

If you think it might help, join a support group for those who grieve.

Don't pressure yourself into "I should do this" and "I ought to do that," though. There is no recommendation for How To Grieve or How To Get Over it. Don't assume there is something wrong with you.

I knew a single mother whose daughter died and except for work and shopping, she sat in her house with the blinds drawn for five years. Then she opened up the blinds and went on with her life. If you are up and doing, taking care of your family and going to school and sometimes you want to take a nap, you're way "ahead" of where she was. But it's not a race.

Take it easy on yourself and allow yourself however long you need.

opalsqueak007

Very sorry for your loss. You are only 39 and can lose that weight. I understand about the napping. I have lost a couple of very important people and the effects on a person can be very physical indeed. Lots of love and friend me if you are looking for friends - I have lost 44lb so far

FatFreeFrolicking

After 2.5 years and you still feeling the way you do, I think it's best if you seek help from a psychiatrist/psychologist. It sounds as though you are in the depression stage of grief (next step is acceptance) and would benefit from therapy, medication, or a combination of both.

Prayers to you and your family.

Unknown

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Mamapaul76

Thank you all. I appreciate the concern. I agree that it will always be here, active in my life. I should not have had to bury my child. I have accepted that it happened and have vowed to honor her life and all that she taught me through her 7 yrs.

I did try a support group but it just wasn't for me. Many of them were elderly widows and I just didn't fit in. When one lady was grieving her dog I had to stop. I had lost my 12yo dog just 2 months before my daughter and it wasn't even remotely the same. I didn't want to be there comparing losses either.

I am in a network of cancer and special needs moms and from my point of view, I am doing very well, considering. Many of them cannot even function.

I do have a great support group in my family and friends. I know I am blessed with that. They still remember and mention my sweet girl which means everything to me.

I agree that my thyroid needs tested again. It was done yrs ago and I was barely normal then but he didn't want to do anything for me. We learned about it in anatomy last semester and I don't feel mine is working right.

I did join planet fitness and just got my husband to also, so now hopefully, we can go as a family. I am hoping that more exercise will also help with the energy levels.

Kalikel

If the doctor blows off your thyroid again, politely ask for a referral to an endo. I went many years suffering because my doctor just assumed that my problem was that I was fat and lazy. He ran the TSH, but said he ran the whole panel. He didn't. Kept telling me I'd lose if I would diet and exercise. Very frustrating.

Sometimes you need to be an advocate for yourself.

I adore my cat. When she goes, I will grieve and be crushed. It's harder for old people, when the pet is all they have - spouse is gone, kids are gone and don't call...that pet is their whole world and the only one around to love and be loved by. When it goes, it's a much bigger deal than it is for others. But losing a pet is nothing like losing a child!!!

You aren't wrong to be like, "Uh...no. Can't stay here!" Because duh. Of course you cannot sit there and be like, "My grief is bigger than your grief," but it would be difficult to sit there and deal with that. I cannot believe they even put you in a group with a person grieving a pet. Geez.

Support groups aren't for everyone and even people who enjoy them get more from the other people than from the topics presented, like, "Acceptance: Is It Really The End Stage?" (Ugh.)

Hang in there. Good luck with school!!!

Michelle2W

{{{Hugs}}}
I suggest, to start getting healthy from the inside out. Seek support/counseling and work on getting healthy physically, mentally and spiritually. You are stronger than you know.

Michelle2W

I just saw your post about being in a support group. Prayers sweet lady:-)

kristimason3

I am so incredibly sorry. You are here (and here is a great place full of support and great information to help you along your way), putting one foot in front of the other, going to school to become a caregiver and undoubtedly give back in a big way as nurses do and doing your best to maintain a normal life for your family. That makes you an incredibly strong and amazingly selfless woman. You can and will do this!
I had a brother who died at a young age from a congenital heart problem. Unfortunately, my mother did not recover well and never really got up strong enough to do what you are already doing just 2.5 years later. She had 4 other children and the effects of it all were devastating to say the least. So, from my perspective you are doing amazing.
My mother died 7 years ago from Acute Myologenous Leukemia. I was 27 and had just given birth to my daughter via a botched c section which nearly took my own life right before her diagnosis. She survived only about 6 months. And a painful 6 months it was. After she passed I balooned up to 220 lbs, the biggest I had ever been. I did not want to get out of bed, I was exhausted all of the time but like you said had to do it because I had a young son and a new baby and a husband who needed me. A time frame as to when the trauma becomes less exhausting? I think that's probably different for everyone. For me it took longer than 3 years before I started feeling even remotely like myself again. In fact, I have huge chunks of time there that I don't even remember. Its all still a fog. I yo yo dieted a lot over the past 4 years, then found mfp about 4 months ago. I have had such great success here and I know you can too! Try to just take it one step at a time. If you like south beach that's great, but my advice would be that whatever way you choose to approach the weight loss try to do it in a way that is sustainable long term for you personally. The changes you make need to be easy to implement into your daily life. You're busy and have a lot going on so the simpler the better. I know it was eye opening for me the first week or two here just honestly logging what I was normally eating and seeing how much sugar, carbs, how little protein etc I was eating. Then making adjustments and substitutions that were livable for me to get those numbers better. I walk every day now and that time, in my mind at least, is my time with my mother. I talk to her and feel her light around me, knowing she would be proud of me that I'm getting back to living more and showing my kids that I'm strong. God bless you, your surviving child, your husband and your family. Sending love and light your way.

deviboy1592

Sorry for your loss of your daughter. Death of a child is the hardest thing anyone has to go through, stay strong and healthy, your son will need you.

LAWoman72

Oh no. I am so very, very sorry.

AglaeaC

mrspauleon wrote: »

I did join planet fitness and just got my husband to also, so now hopefully, we can go as a family. I am hoping that more exercise will also help with the energy levels.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I would do what others have suggested earlier, see a therapist (psychiatrist preferably if it turns out to be depression alongside the grief) and perhaps also get the thyroid checked out again.

I also agree with whoever said it is a cycle in the sense that if you feel tired, you won't do even a bit of exercise, and then you feel even more tired. To break the cycle, even a few minutes a day would work and from there you can increase the amount slowly.

As for depending on your husband to go with you to the gym, I'm a bit hesitant about it, because he might not be at the same stage as you in his grief, and might have other, individual needs. If it works for the two of you to keep you together and close, it's fine, but the pressure might become too much at some point. Best thing is to do it for your own sake, so you have energy to give to those, who depend on you.

All the best to you and your family.

Curlychip

Im so so sorry for your loss xxx (*) It is seriously rubbish, horrible.
I lost my son at birth 3.5 years ago and am really just starting to get going on the weight loss now. I appreciate that it may not be as unbelievable as losing a child you have had longer with, but it knocked me off life for at least 2 years (even with a rainbow, who is now a crazy 2 year old) and I continue my little patterns to keep him alive in some way, just quietly.

The lack of energy is most likely due to your mood and so many things that you have going on (I have very similar lifestyle to you). Treatment is not a failure and that could mean medication and/or psychological therapy. Really, dropping something is key, or just taking a break for a week to re-evaluate what is essential with some time on your own and maybe get a bit more uninterrupted sleep/rest.

I don't know if it would be similar for you, but Ive found it impossible to adjust my eating without exercise. I never want to go out, but it always makes me feel better and have more energy the rest of the day.
Best of luck and strength xxx

Mamapaul76

Thank you all. I really appreciate the support and advice. It's not easy some days, I won't lie. There but for the grace of God, go I.

I'm taking each step as they come. I will definitely see about an Endo referral. I took my daughter to one so I am a bit familiar with them.

We did go to the gym tonight and it was nice. My feet are sore now but I can deal.

lindsayskillings

My mother was diagnosed with metastasized breast cancer in January of last year and we lost her in August. I have gained 40lbs and now I am trying to lose it.

deviboy1592

lindsayskillings wrote: »

My mother was diagnosed with metastasized breast cancer in January of last year and we lost her in August. I have gained 40lbs and now I am trying to lose it.

Sorry for your loss, best of luck on your journey.