Looking for Ex-ED surviviors for mutual support!

Mharren

I was an active bulimic for over two years with a history of clinically disordered eating.

I stopped after going to University and gradually making decisions to take part in social interactions that lead to my Eating Disorder being pretty much impossible to maintain AND enjoy the opportunities at hand. I chose to risk being fat with the prospect of happiness at hand, rather than slim, and miserable.

Oh boy..did I get Fat!

And I WAS happy for several years more! I didn't 'FEEL' fat. If you know what I mean by 'feel' fat, then you're totally someone I'm looking for. So I was confident, and happy and had great social functioning both platonic and intimate, the only thing my waist line hindered was how far down the drop-down list I had to click when ordering my scrubs online.

when I did get on a scale, it was for my annual physicals, and my GP was aware of my past ED issues and obliged not to tell me what was on that ghastly little read-out unless the number and my vitals/test results seemed correlated.

About two years ago I was feeling sick, and being a clinician I started logging my vitals. After establishing a reasonable baseline I saw that I was borderline hypertensive. I thought to myself "Hrm....what are my risk factors?"

Well...that involved getting on a scale. So while on duty at the hospital I climbed onto one of the not-modern-looking-at-all stand-up scales (you know the ones) and got an accurate reading. Holy balls! 336lbs! @ 5'10 1/2"! DAMN. No wonder I have a 48" waist line. I thought maybe I should start there.

So moving on, I dropped down to 285 within a few months of portion vigilance and stayed there for several months, regardless of whether I ate well or poorly. When I didn't progress past that plateau and then had a scare where I shot up to 298 in a couple of days, I made a decision that was hard and scary for me: I'd count calories and nutritional values. This was something I had avoided for years and even stopped people around me from talking about it because it was such a sensitive trigger for ED behaviour.

I ended up here. I've been here since April, I've lost almost 20 pounds. But my weight fluctuates and the rational side of me knows it is related to my place in my monthly cycle and the trends in my eating behaviour, even things like constipation from medication, but it scares me. It tickles that little conniving gremlin locked away in my brain that starts urging me to engage in ED behaviours, and further more, spouts those misery-inducing subvocal abuses that make it possible to be slim and gorgeous (not they are synonymous) and completely miserable and lacking in self-esteem.

I don't want to stop moving towards a healthier weight because of the risk of ED relapse, but I can't go through that crap again. If there is anyone else out there losing weight who has suffered from ED issues in the past (don't care what kind) who would like to have an ally in the face of ol' Ana and Mia and their associates, please friend me. Being able to speak plainly about these things would be beneficial for us I think. We can't do that usually because it can be perceived as Pro-ED, which is not the case here.

Thanks,

/blushandhide

- Mharren

tinabatinaflc

I'm bulimic and happy to be your friend! I'm in the midst of "recovery", if you can call it that. My background is that I was anorexic for about 3 years, then full blown bulimic for about 10...and for the last 6 months or so not actually puking so much anymore. I want to kick it for good, and I feel as though I have made excellent progress - it would be nice to have someone who really WANTS recovery around, as most of the girls around here only half want it. I gained about 20 pounds through bulimia and have managed to lose 14 since stopping the b/p cycle....Feel free to add me and/or send me a message!

<3c

elfin168

hey there. bulimic from 19-32 years here..i think its wonderful that you managed to overcome your ed and to study etc....i can completely understand where you are coming from in terms of concern about resticting food etc to loose weight.

i think that your focus on health is an important one to remember and the level of self acceptance that you appear to have is great. DONT lose it.

Please keep focusing on being healthy and happy

I personally find it very difficult to focus on calories etc and tend not to at all (i am not trying to lose weight by the way).

I say try not to get tied down by numbers. Be healthy, be gentle with yourself, eat healthy and be active and all will fall into to place easily enough

JulesAlloggio

I battled for 6 years.. Came out healthier and Love my life now!!

Add me!!

nexangelus

Hi there! I am 3 years symptom free of ana and mia (suffered on and off from age16 - 36)...check out my profile....I am glad to help and support those in recovery. : )

singingflutelady

Been in and out of anorexia b/p subtype for 20 years. Been through refeeding and hospitalization and all that fun stuff and was weight restored for 6 years but now I am struggling again with it (and over exercising) Trying really heard to not fall into old habits

Mharren

3months later.....

by the time I'd actually realized I'd relapsed (and not just had a few close calls) my resolve to stop all this if I DID relapse was long gone. Pretty much any meal besides a small one (like a muffin) FEELS like a binge, and I purge and I say "Well you can't ever get it all up, so you're still eating..." and I realize this is irrational and my therapist knows.

I record all the foot I eat, even what doesn't get to stay down and record which 'meals' I purged. I don't condone this.

But it would be nice to be less alone, especially since I failed and ended up relapsing.

So if you're in a similar boat, I'd love to added as a 'friend'.

- The OP 3 months later