You are stronger than you know
Options
courtneymedwell2014
Posts: 27 Member
Being completely honest I have struggled with my weight my whole life. Not necessarily due to weight gain or fluctuations but more so regarding my attitude about my weight. I am 165cm and for the majority of my teenage years I weighed 60-65kgs. A very healthy weight for my height. I thought I was a disgusting pig. I hated the way I looked. Since I was 13 I cannot remember a summer in which I would wear shorts or skirts. Always pants. I hated myself.
It wasn't until I was 17 that I started putting on weight. It was in my final year of high school and I was stress/emotional eating and I put on around 20kg in 9 months (I would have been around 85kg). After around a year of staying at that weight after school was over I was told by my mother that it wasn't healthy and was put on a diet. My mum used to skip meals so that she could eat chocolate all day. So my diet existed of a diet shake for breakfast. Two roasted tomatoes and a roasted potato for lunch and a diet bar for dinner with moderate exercise at a gym. I lost around 15kg and got down to 70kg which is overweight according to my BMI but to be honest I felt better about myself at this weight than I did when I was 60-65kg.
I sat at this weight for 2 or so years until I had a massive upheaval in my life. For reasons too long to put on here, at 21 I moved out of home without telling my family and haven’t spoken to them since. I fell into a deep depression and suffered a lot of anxiety. During this time I was finishing my Social Work degree at University, completing a work placement and working weekends and having to cope with having no family and having to run my life and my house and make decisions for myself for the first time in 21 years.
I started seeing a counsellor to work through my past and work out who I am and what I want rather than being who my mother wanted me to be and what she wanted for me. This was much harder than you ever could imagine. It hurt me that she had barely tried to contact me. Wasn’t I good enough to contact? If my own mother doesn’t think I’m worthwhile how could anyone ever really love me?
In November 2013 I finished my degree. I was so proud of myself. For the majority of that year I could barely get out of bed but I made it through and gosh was I exhausted. Once that milestone was over I started working on myself more intensively, focusing less on the past and more on the future and the person I wanted to be. By this point I had put on 25kgs. I was very unhappy. The weight gain exacerbated my anxiety and I had begun cutting people out of my life.
In June 2014 I had my third knee surgery. This was an issue I had been struggling with since I was 15. My mother hadn’t let me continue with my physio properly after my first two surgeries and my knee had never really recovered. I decided to go back to my specialist and he decided I needed surgery. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. That I could commit to rehabilitating my knee after so many years of blaming my mother. I had the surgery and it was a success and I am still in physio to regain full mobility and strength in my knee. All professionals involved believe that given the effort, time and patience I will have a fully functioning knee for the first time in 8 years.
In June 2014 I also got my first full time job. I was so scared. I didn’t know if I was mentally and emotionally ready yet. I was still in counselling and still struggled with regulating my emotions and with my perfectionism and self hatred. By this time I had put on 35kgs and was at my heaviest- 104kgs. I was so anxious to meet clients/their parents for the first time as I knew they would judge me and I didn’t want to be the fat girl, the fat social worker. I had to do a bit of travelling between offices for my job. I used to get leg cramps and would get puffed out walking 1km from the train station to the office. I was embarrassed and I had no excuses.
In September 2014 my counsellor decided that I was ready to go out on my own. I was so proud of my achievements but I was petrified. He was trying to help me see that self criticism and hatred was not the right way to motivate myself to lose the weight. That I had to thank the weight for protecting me while I needed it but let it know I didn’t need its protection anymore. This may seem like such a small thing but for me this really flicked a switch in my head. I didn’t have to hate my fat to want to lose it. My weight was the remnants of the broken person I used to be and I couldn’t stand it any longer. I wanted my appearance to reflect the way I was feeling inside. So I made some really hard decisions
It started with food. I was too scared to go back to the gym (after having gained 15kgs since joining it) so I made a meal plan for myself. On previous diets (I guess I failed to mention that I attempted many diets over the time that I gained the 34kgs) I would have a junk day or a junk meal. This stopped. I could never break my addictions to bread, chocolate, lollies and crisps if I continued to have them on a regular basis. I decided to give all of these things up and haven’t touched them since. I have portioned all my meals to a 1cup serving of whatever it is. These meals are usually things that I enjoy, just a much smaller portion that I was used to. I snack on fruit or rice cruskits during the day (only if I need it). I started having something for breakfast. I never feel like eating in the mornings and don’t particularly like breakfast foods so I try to have a banana within an hour or so of waking up. For dinner I either have another 1cup portion of food or an Optislim shake which contains lots of vitamins and minerals to ensure I am getting as much goodness as I can within my diet now that I am not eating as much. Because I am still eating many of the meals I enjoy (just smaller portions) I find that I don’t feel like I am missing out and have been able to maintain it for the last (almost) 4 months.
My diet started late September and without exercising I lost around 8kgs in the first month. I then went around 3 weeks without losing a thing and I knew that I would have to bite the bullet and get my *kitten* in the gym. I was borderline panic attack on the way to the gym and I made my partner come with me and told him that under no circumstance, no matter what fuss I put up, was he allowed to turn the car around and go home (as he had done on so many previous occasions). I went to they gym and did a Chest and back session and went on the bike for a little afterwards. I felt great and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Since that day I have never looked back. I go to the gym around 6 times a week, joined an aqua aerobics class, have continued working with my physio to get my knee up to scratch and have continued with my diet. I got a PT to work with my to create a 4 day a week functional strength training program that takes my knee limitations into consideration and I feel stronger than I ever have.
I began using MFP 50 days ago and have never looked back. I find that I use it less for the calorie counting as it is very rare for me to reach my calorie count especially with all the exercise I have been doing. I like to keep track of my carbs and sugars and try to ensure I am getting enough nutrients from my food. I also get really motivated seeing my friends’ progress and reading blogs and posts on forums. My partner bought me a Garmin vivofit for our anniversary in early December and I have fallen in love. As I mostly do weight training I find it so useful to get a gauge of calories burnt and average heart rates during my workout. It definitely motivates me to keep going and has shown me how little I move during the day at my desk job.
I have now lost 22kgs. As of today I weigh 82kgs. I have made little weight loss goals along the way. By Christmas I aimed to weigh 84kgs and I fell short by 2kgs. I was so proud of myself for the weight I had lost that I didn’t revert back to punishing myself or getting down on myself though. By Easter I want to get to 74kgs and I hope to be my (moderate) goal weight of 70kgs by June. I made 70kgs my goal weight as that is when I felt the best about myself. I am hoping to get to around 65kgs but I will take it as it comes. I want to be strong and fit most of all so if I feel good at 70kgs I will be happy there but if I feel I have further to go I will try to lose some more. I am feeling so much happier in myself and even though I still have a lifetime journey ahead of me trying to maintain my weight, health and fitness I am so proud of how far I have come. It may sound strange but I think that putting on 34kgs was the best thing to happen to me as it allowed me to go through this journey.
The important things I would like anyone to take from this post:
- ‘You are stronger than you know’- Never forget this and never doubt it. You are so much stronger than you could ever imagine and you can do anything you put your mind to
- ‘Love and accept yourself’- This doesn’t mean you have to don’t have to change anything. I am constantly trying to better myself and my situation but I have found a way to be happy with that. If you have a negative attitude towards yourself how are you going to believe you can achieve something? Celebrate yourself and all that you are good at. Look at your strengths and try to apply them to the situation you aren’t happy with to show yourself you can do ii
- ‘Put yourself and your health first’- I know this may be hard for people with families but I think it is so important. I was putting my social life and friends over myself and my health. I was trying to people please and in turn was eating foods and drinking drinks that weren’t good for me to ‘fit in’ or not be a party pooper. I would not exercise to make time for friends. Friends come and go and real friends will understand your goals and work around them. Now I have a schedule of my meals and exercise on the fridge and I don’t negotiate this for anyone. Sounds harsh but think how often your friends/family will revolve their schedules and life around you and I am sure many of you would find it is always you doing the negotiating. So stop! And prioritize yourself.
- ‘Never give up’- Don’t think about your weight loss as a goal, rather as a journey. If you have a bad day of eating or don’t go to the gym ask yourself what you have learnt from this? How do you feel? Not good? How many days have you done the right thing? How many times have you slipped up? In the long run (your entire life!) this slip up doesn’t matter. You may have learnt to not eat a certain food or know that it may be hard to see a certain person or go to a certain place and stick to your goals so how are you going to do better/do things differently next time to manage this? By accepting that you may slip up it doesn’t automatically make it ‘OK’ and mean that you will do it again. It just means you aren’t going to punish yourself for a mistake, no one is perfect, you are on a journey and you will try harder next time. Giving up wont help anything or anyone. If you have plateaued mix some things up with your exercise/food. Just don’t give up.
I hope my post has inspired someone who is having a tough day or struggling with their goals/plans as others’ posts have inspired me.
It wasn't until I was 17 that I started putting on weight. It was in my final year of high school and I was stress/emotional eating and I put on around 20kg in 9 months (I would have been around 85kg). After around a year of staying at that weight after school was over I was told by my mother that it wasn't healthy and was put on a diet. My mum used to skip meals so that she could eat chocolate all day. So my diet existed of a diet shake for breakfast. Two roasted tomatoes and a roasted potato for lunch and a diet bar for dinner with moderate exercise at a gym. I lost around 15kg and got down to 70kg which is overweight according to my BMI but to be honest I felt better about myself at this weight than I did when I was 60-65kg.
I sat at this weight for 2 or so years until I had a massive upheaval in my life. For reasons too long to put on here, at 21 I moved out of home without telling my family and haven’t spoken to them since. I fell into a deep depression and suffered a lot of anxiety. During this time I was finishing my Social Work degree at University, completing a work placement and working weekends and having to cope with having no family and having to run my life and my house and make decisions for myself for the first time in 21 years.
I started seeing a counsellor to work through my past and work out who I am and what I want rather than being who my mother wanted me to be and what she wanted for me. This was much harder than you ever could imagine. It hurt me that she had barely tried to contact me. Wasn’t I good enough to contact? If my own mother doesn’t think I’m worthwhile how could anyone ever really love me?
In November 2013 I finished my degree. I was so proud of myself. For the majority of that year I could barely get out of bed but I made it through and gosh was I exhausted. Once that milestone was over I started working on myself more intensively, focusing less on the past and more on the future and the person I wanted to be. By this point I had put on 25kgs. I was very unhappy. The weight gain exacerbated my anxiety and I had begun cutting people out of my life.
In June 2014 I had my third knee surgery. This was an issue I had been struggling with since I was 15. My mother hadn’t let me continue with my physio properly after my first two surgeries and my knee had never really recovered. I decided to go back to my specialist and he decided I needed surgery. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. That I could commit to rehabilitating my knee after so many years of blaming my mother. I had the surgery and it was a success and I am still in physio to regain full mobility and strength in my knee. All professionals involved believe that given the effort, time and patience I will have a fully functioning knee for the first time in 8 years.
In June 2014 I also got my first full time job. I was so scared. I didn’t know if I was mentally and emotionally ready yet. I was still in counselling and still struggled with regulating my emotions and with my perfectionism and self hatred. By this time I had put on 35kgs and was at my heaviest- 104kgs. I was so anxious to meet clients/their parents for the first time as I knew they would judge me and I didn’t want to be the fat girl, the fat social worker. I had to do a bit of travelling between offices for my job. I used to get leg cramps and would get puffed out walking 1km from the train station to the office. I was embarrassed and I had no excuses.
In September 2014 my counsellor decided that I was ready to go out on my own. I was so proud of my achievements but I was petrified. He was trying to help me see that self criticism and hatred was not the right way to motivate myself to lose the weight. That I had to thank the weight for protecting me while I needed it but let it know I didn’t need its protection anymore. This may seem like such a small thing but for me this really flicked a switch in my head. I didn’t have to hate my fat to want to lose it. My weight was the remnants of the broken person I used to be and I couldn’t stand it any longer. I wanted my appearance to reflect the way I was feeling inside. So I made some really hard decisions
It started with food. I was too scared to go back to the gym (after having gained 15kgs since joining it) so I made a meal plan for myself. On previous diets (I guess I failed to mention that I attempted many diets over the time that I gained the 34kgs) I would have a junk day or a junk meal. This stopped. I could never break my addictions to bread, chocolate, lollies and crisps if I continued to have them on a regular basis. I decided to give all of these things up and haven’t touched them since. I have portioned all my meals to a 1cup serving of whatever it is. These meals are usually things that I enjoy, just a much smaller portion that I was used to. I snack on fruit or rice cruskits during the day (only if I need it). I started having something for breakfast. I never feel like eating in the mornings and don’t particularly like breakfast foods so I try to have a banana within an hour or so of waking up. For dinner I either have another 1cup portion of food or an Optislim shake which contains lots of vitamins and minerals to ensure I am getting as much goodness as I can within my diet now that I am not eating as much. Because I am still eating many of the meals I enjoy (just smaller portions) I find that I don’t feel like I am missing out and have been able to maintain it for the last (almost) 4 months.
My diet started late September and without exercising I lost around 8kgs in the first month. I then went around 3 weeks without losing a thing and I knew that I would have to bite the bullet and get my *kitten* in the gym. I was borderline panic attack on the way to the gym and I made my partner come with me and told him that under no circumstance, no matter what fuss I put up, was he allowed to turn the car around and go home (as he had done on so many previous occasions). I went to they gym and did a Chest and back session and went on the bike for a little afterwards. I felt great and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Since that day I have never looked back. I go to the gym around 6 times a week, joined an aqua aerobics class, have continued working with my physio to get my knee up to scratch and have continued with my diet. I got a PT to work with my to create a 4 day a week functional strength training program that takes my knee limitations into consideration and I feel stronger than I ever have.
I began using MFP 50 days ago and have never looked back. I find that I use it less for the calorie counting as it is very rare for me to reach my calorie count especially with all the exercise I have been doing. I like to keep track of my carbs and sugars and try to ensure I am getting enough nutrients from my food. I also get really motivated seeing my friends’ progress and reading blogs and posts on forums. My partner bought me a Garmin vivofit for our anniversary in early December and I have fallen in love. As I mostly do weight training I find it so useful to get a gauge of calories burnt and average heart rates during my workout. It definitely motivates me to keep going and has shown me how little I move during the day at my desk job.
I have now lost 22kgs. As of today I weigh 82kgs. I have made little weight loss goals along the way. By Christmas I aimed to weigh 84kgs and I fell short by 2kgs. I was so proud of myself for the weight I had lost that I didn’t revert back to punishing myself or getting down on myself though. By Easter I want to get to 74kgs and I hope to be my (moderate) goal weight of 70kgs by June. I made 70kgs my goal weight as that is when I felt the best about myself. I am hoping to get to around 65kgs but I will take it as it comes. I want to be strong and fit most of all so if I feel good at 70kgs I will be happy there but if I feel I have further to go I will try to lose some more. I am feeling so much happier in myself and even though I still have a lifetime journey ahead of me trying to maintain my weight, health and fitness I am so proud of how far I have come. It may sound strange but I think that putting on 34kgs was the best thing to happen to me as it allowed me to go through this journey.
The important things I would like anyone to take from this post:
- ‘You are stronger than you know’- Never forget this and never doubt it. You are so much stronger than you could ever imagine and you can do anything you put your mind to
- ‘Love and accept yourself’- This doesn’t mean you have to don’t have to change anything. I am constantly trying to better myself and my situation but I have found a way to be happy with that. If you have a negative attitude towards yourself how are you going to believe you can achieve something? Celebrate yourself and all that you are good at. Look at your strengths and try to apply them to the situation you aren’t happy with to show yourself you can do ii
- ‘Put yourself and your health first’- I know this may be hard for people with families but I think it is so important. I was putting my social life and friends over myself and my health. I was trying to people please and in turn was eating foods and drinking drinks that weren’t good for me to ‘fit in’ or not be a party pooper. I would not exercise to make time for friends. Friends come and go and real friends will understand your goals and work around them. Now I have a schedule of my meals and exercise on the fridge and I don’t negotiate this for anyone. Sounds harsh but think how often your friends/family will revolve their schedules and life around you and I am sure many of you would find it is always you doing the negotiating. So stop! And prioritize yourself.
- ‘Never give up’- Don’t think about your weight loss as a goal, rather as a journey. If you have a bad day of eating or don’t go to the gym ask yourself what you have learnt from this? How do you feel? Not good? How many days have you done the right thing? How many times have you slipped up? In the long run (your entire life!) this slip up doesn’t matter. You may have learnt to not eat a certain food or know that it may be hard to see a certain person or go to a certain place and stick to your goals so how are you going to do better/do things differently next time to manage this? By accepting that you may slip up it doesn’t automatically make it ‘OK’ and mean that you will do it again. It just means you aren’t going to punish yourself for a mistake, no one is perfect, you are on a journey and you will try harder next time. Giving up wont help anything or anyone. If you have plateaued mix some things up with your exercise/food. Just don’t give up.
I hope my post has inspired someone who is having a tough day or struggling with their goals/plans as others’ posts have inspired me.
0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 392.1K Introduce Yourself
- 43.6K Getting Started
- 259.9K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.7K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 403 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.8K Motivation and Support
- 7.9K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.4K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 999 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.4K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions