~If there are any other Childhood Abuse survivors or allies out there...

MolassesCoveredTurtle

...I'm both. I'm back to using MFP and look forward to helping it with tracking my emotional eating vs. intuitive eating. I also plan on using it to monitor my exercise.

I know there is a correlation, but I'm less interested in how much I weigh vs. how healthy I am.

If you want to peek at my diary it will be public as will my blog should I keep one.

If you are, or know someone who is, a survivor of childhood abuse - sexual, emotional, physical - please feel free to see how I'm handling my emotional eating and exercise as I go through my healing process, should you find that helpful to you.

Best to you!

~ M.C. Turtle

MolassesCoveredTurtle

You don't have to post here...just FR me if you feel like you want some confidential support.

Cheers!

MolassesCoveredTurtle

Just pushing this up again. It's something approximately 1:3 girls and 1:6 boys unfortunately experienced before the age of 18. In other words, you or someone you know.

Many adults who experienced CSA have symptoms that include:

"Alcohol or drug abuse

The abuse of substances can act as an escape from the intense waves of feelings, the terror and helplessness.

Disordered Eating / Eating Disorders

Compulsive control of food intake can be a way of taking back control over the body that was denied during the abuse."

--- a small snippet from Rainn.org

As I work through the many hurts, my anger and sadness, I am also realizing I use what I eat as a drug to numb my pain and push down my feelings.

I'm now more aware of this and working to develop new coping mechanisms that don't involve numbing or self harm by food.

During this process I am trying to be gentle with myself and not hard on myself if I revert to coping mechanisms that have provided me comfort for over 30 years.

If you have any inkling you or someone you love was abused - know that the pain is real and gentle loving support is needed.

More and more people are speaking up in an attempt to heal themselves, and break the cycle of abuse in our society.

If you are hurting someone, and aware enough to know it is not who you really want to be, I am sorry you are also in so much pain that you direct it on others. Please consider finding a support group or therapist to help you stop directing your pain on others. Just as you may not understand why you hurt someone, the person whom you hurt also does not understand.

---

"Anger is the agony of believing that you are not capable of being understood, and that you are not worthy of being understood." ~Gary Zukav & Linda Francis

Best to you!

~M.C. Turtle

acquilla30

That's a very touchy topic for a lot of people. At 31, it still has power over me. I used food for comfort and fat as a shield. Now I am shedding the weight because as long as I have it, I AM STILL A VICTIM. As I shed the weight its forcing me to find strength inside myself not to hide anymore. Its a battle to break almost a lifetime of habits and not break into pieces from it. It does help that I feel stronger from lifting. It's empowering to know I'm not helpless.

Timshel_

I had this issue, but at 45 most of the damage is gone. Still lots of angst and awkwardness about it, but it doesn't play any roll in who I am.

All the best.

MolassesCoveredTurtle

acquilla30 wrote: »

Now I am shedding the weight because as long as I have it, I AM STILL A VICTIM. As I shed the weight its forcing me to find strength inside myself not to hide anymore.

I hear you on this. I use the term "survivor" because it's a commonly used phrase for many types of healing. But like you I can relate to more to being a victim (at times).

For me, allowing myself to go through the feelings of being a victim...the anger, sadness, shame, anxiety...are very important (and often uncontrollable). But I'm okay with that because I recognize that I was never afforded this opportunity in my youth. I also did not even understand that it was not "normal."

I repressed and numbed out using various coping mechanisms...which worked to allow me to be successful in many areas of my life. Suddenly, I began having body memories and dreams that absolutely needed to be expressed and acknowledged.

Thank you for your comments.

It's comforting to know both that I'm not alone in feeling the difficult stuff and also that people can move through this and feel farther away from the "damage."

~M.C. Turtle

azulvioleta6

I like the word survivor better than victim.

Interesting that you see a connection between this and emotional eating. I've never been an emotional eater at all, and in the last few years I've completely severed the eating-comfort connection.

diegops1

When I was 4 and 5 years old my younger sister and I were raped almost daily by our baby sitter's 18 to 19 year old son. I told a local cowboy about it and he went down and bull whipped the guy before telling our parents. I guess that is a good thing because my father might have shot him. I didn't realize there was anything wrong until Johnny went into the barn, got his whip and rode off to the sitter's house. I can't say that it contributed to my problems with compulsive eating, but it contributed to lots of other problems that took several years to straighten out.

acquilla30

MolassesCoveredTurtle wrote: »

acquilla30 wrote: »

Now I am shedding the weight because as long as I have it, I AM STILL A VICTIM. As I shed the weight its forcing me to find strength inside myself not to hide anymore.

I hear you on this. I use the term "survivor" because it's a commonly used phrase for many types of healing. But like you I can relate to more to being a victim (at times).

For me, allowing myself to go through the feelings of being a victim...the anger, sadness, shame, anxiety...are very important (and often uncontrollable). But I'm okay with that because I recognize that I was never afforded this opportunity in my youth. I also did not even understand that it was not "normal."

I repressed and numbed out using various coping mechanisms...which worked to allow me to be successful in many areas of my life. Suddenly, I began having body memories and dreams that absolutely needed to be expressed and acknowledged.

Thank you for your comments.

It's comforting to know both that I'm not alone in feeling the difficult stuff and also that people can move through this and feel farther away from the "damage."

~M.C. Turtle

You are definitely not alone in it. It is sad how many children are affected by it. I hate saying it, but kids unfortunately make the perfect victim. I know with myself I came from a troubled home and the person who abused me told me he did it because he was "showing" me love and convinced me to keep it a secret. I was desperate for love and attention, but I hated every minute of it and it skewed my views of love and affection. I used food early on for comfort. I also found other coping mechanisms that were unhealthy. I used the word "victim" because it still effects my life in so many ways; I don't feel like I have prevailed yet, but I feel like I am finally on the road to getting there. If you ever want to talk about anything or need another cheerleader, please feel free to message me and or send me a friend request.

acquilla30

azulvioleta6 wrote: »

I like the word survivor better than victim.

Interesting that you see a connection between this and emotional eating. I've never been an emotional eater at all, and in the last few years I've completely severed the eating-comfort connection.

For me there is connection because when something bad is happening to you, we often search something to self-soothe. Food offers comfort and doesn't hurt you. It can often be used to fill a void or when your life seems out of control, its something you can control. I have been on both sides where I have over eaten and where I have starved myself.