Was I happier heavier? Anyone need counseling after weight loss?

librarysteg

I've reached the high end of my weight loss goals, and I feel like I'm really starting to struggle mentally. I feel so good physically with my new size. I have energy, I love exercising now, I don't have any annoying aches or pains or stomach issues like I was starting to get at my heaviest. I'm still getting a lot of compliments and still going down in sizes so I'm getting a lot of positive feedback, but I honestly feel like I'm starting to lose it mentally. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I feel like the real me is gone so I feel very disconnected from this new me. I know I had issues that lead me to overeat. I think I somehow managed to stop using food to deal with those issues, but I haven't actually dealt with the issues themselves so now they're sort of running loose with nothing to numb them down, and I don't know what to do. I'm also feeling taken aback and sort of insulted by all of the attention I'm getting from men now. It's nice, but it makes me realize how invisible I was to these people before. Anyone else dealing with any of this? What do you do?

dopeysmelly

I can relate to what you are saying. Initially, I felt a bit dislocated from my new body, and it took me a couple of months to adjust and just forget about it. I was never particularly interested in my physical appearance before I adopted much healthier habits and lost the weight, and I've found the attention to the physical changes disconcerting. Occasionally, I feel like shouting "I didn't do this to look cute! I did it for my long term health!" But now I'm starting to realize that the changes in me are actually very significant - I've lost 15 lbs more than my daughter's total body weight - and I'm starting to become reconciled to that.

That edge has gone with time, but I think counseling is a good idea if you feel it will help you make the transition.

gothchiq

It takes a few months to "fit" into your new body size. It's disorienting at first. My clothes still don't look like they should be the right size, yet they are.

As to the issues, well, I have plenty also lol. Therapy is one way but that costs money and takes time which you may or may not have. Another way is to do a hobby like sewing, cross stitch, any kind of art, crafts, etc. For special occasions going out dancing is a good way to blow off stress. Hooping at home with music is good, assuming there is some space to do it somewhere. If it has to be oral gratification, try sampling many different flavors of tea. The jasmine tea by Twinings is OMG heavenly. I would recommend Twinings or Stash over Bigelow or Lipton in terms of quality. Crappy flavored tea is.... well, crappy lol. Price difference is minimal.

And, depending on the state you live in, there may be green herbal options, but of course one must abide by all laws to keep one's nose clean, and such.

softblondechick

When I was thin, it was a let down for me. For some reason I expected life to be a big party. Nope. It was the same as when I was big. And I realized, wow, thin people are depressed too!

Get counseling if you want, but only you can change your life or expectations.

AliceDark

If you have insurance through an employer, check if they offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) as a benefit. Typically, EAPs will cover your copay for either 5 or 6 therapy sessions and can also provide referrals to help you find a therapist. EAPs, when offered, aren't a separate benefit that you pay for -- it's part of the medical plan -- and they're a wonderful resource, but for some reason nobody ever tells you that you have one.

KatieHall77

I know I had issues that lead me to overeat. I think I somehow managed to stop using food to deal with those issues, but I haven't actually dealt with the issues themselves so now they're sort of running loose with nothing to numb them down,
I often phrase this up as "everyone needs a vice"
If food is no longer the happy place you can go- pick something you always wanted to do- learn quilting, get yourself a flock of chickens, finish that romance novel you've always had ideas for-- find a healthy "hobby" that you can retreat into when you're feeling stressed. Everyone needs one.

I'm also feeling taken aback and sort of insulted by all of the attention I'm getting from men now. It's nice, but it makes me realize how invisible I was to these people before. Anyone else dealing with any of this? What do you do?
Yes- this is unfortunately true. It kind of makes you lose a little faith in humanity. I've come to look at it this way; Having had the experiences that you have had has forever gifted you with the ability to see people beyond just their body size- you have the extra depth of understanding that some people lack.

ros2will3run

Hi, interesting....well, I haven't lost a lot of weight yet, just abit..but in my life I've had to deal with a lot of identity issues..and it's important..i heard on the radio the other day a doc talking about sense of self..just knowing who you are, to yourself and others. He said that change and in extreme, loss of sense of self is really very hard..so I would guess that you are going through a time of adjustment, be gentle with yourself, reaffirm your life in ways that have meaning to you..and I hope you will feel better soon but some realisations you might have to take on the chin, like more attention from guys now..maybe too, you have more inner confidence and willing also to notice it abit more, plus we live in society dominated by the slim is more attractive idea..which is basically not an outright truth..if a truth at all. So, like others have also said, may I suggest that you give yourself time, and get to feel good about the new outer you, and the inner changes too, plus, being SWEET to Yourself and others, probably might hopefully melt away your problems, like marshmallows..or clouds floating by ??

ros2will3run

ps..just wanted to add, I really struggle to with the 'what is attractive' issue..and it infuriates me, but as KatieHall has written, and thank you for that, wow, yes, perhaps indeed I'm one too, hooray, who might be able to try to get to know someone and not just form opinions from the outer packaging!

Alidecker

I took a long time for my mind to catch up to my body. I lost over 100 pounds in a year (2009-2010). I had some ups and downs mentally along the way, but it was when I got close to goal weight that I didn't know what to do anymore. That was me for the year plus, I was the girl losing weight, people asked me about it and I would tell them, they would tell me how great I looked (which felt awkward to me). Then all of the sudden, I was supposed to just stay the way I was, no more weight to lose, nothing to concentrate on...except the new you. It was crazy, I looked in the mirror and still saw the fat girl, still felt the insecurities that came with that, but in my mind nothing to blame them on. Most of my friends have never been very overweight, so they didn't understand where I was, as much as they tried. Luckily my trainer would listen and help me the best he could, but there was a girl trainer at our gym that would listen and give me advice. I did end up going to therapy, for different reasons, but we talked about everything. I honestly think it just took time to find myself. As much as I am still the same person, a lot changed and fitting those changes into the same life took some time to figure out.

ETA: It is funny though, I was talking to a friend at the gym a couple of days ago (he has lost over 50#); We both said sometimes it would be nice to go back to the beer drinking, pizza eating couch potato....but not really, I never want to go back.

AZTallguy

Here is a video of a young man who lost 400lbs then regained 300 because he wasn't ready for the new person he was. It's very moving. Good luck to you in the future!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=DTlvDMBDIxQ

acstansell

It took me losing almost 40lbs before I accepted my new body. I never did quite become comfortable in it. In the mirror, I saw all the same lumps, bumps and curves - and the attention from the opposite sex never happened, except my husband, so I still felt invisible. While my closest dropped 4 dress sizes, my mind still said fat.

I regained 15lbs. I'm trying to lose that plus more, but I have to realize these things:
1) Food is not a problem solver. I can't eat my way to less stress and to happiness. I wasn't happy at 281 not like I was at 206 (my lowest point) and emotional eating creates more stress because I get trapped in the cycle of it.
2) My confidence when I was bigger came from the desire to outwit those who would make fun of me for being big. I'd rather insult myself than be insulted by others. I was always the first one with the fat joke, or the big butt comment, or the butterface comment. I need to stop this. It becomes part of my thinking and traps me in the idea of being heavy is is less vunerable.
3) No one can change my mind but me. I motivated myself for the initial loss, I'm motivating myself for this second attempt. It can't be for the haters the doubters or the neresaywells. It has to be for the face I see in the mirror - if that face is your biggest hater, then yes, seek therapy.

Accepting yourself and loving the changes you can make must be a step in acceptence.

</twocents>

jane837

Oh boy, do I feel you on this.

I went through a period where I was pretty shaken up by my weight loss. I was completely blindsided by the difference in how the world treated me, and I was angry about it. I was also exhausted by having to figure out how to navigate social interactions that suddenly had REALLY different rules.

I also felt like my self-image didnt match my body, and I would vascillate between being overly confident and being more judgmental of my flaws than I had ever been before. I had trouble processing what I saw in the mirror.

Things aren't perfect now, but they're much better. It took probably a year for me to really get used to the new status quo. To work through it, I wrote a lot in my journal, and sometimes talked about it with my husband and a couple of close friends. Therapy might be a good option -- maybe you could work through it more quickly than I did?

librarysteg

Thanks for all the kind feedback everyone. It's always nice to know other people are dealing with similar feelings and really know what I'm going through. The EAP suggestion is a good one, I do think I've seen that listed as a benefit at work so I should look into talking to someone. I just feel more and more untethered. It sort of feels like my extra weight and the habits that went with it were keeping some kind of monster content and sleeping, and now it's waking up and raging. It feels sort of ridiculous to find myself the same size if not smaller than I was at 16 and look around and realize I still have all the same emotional issues I had back then along with a bunch of other issues I've accumulated over the last 20+ years. Sigh.

SomeNights246

I think it's common, and I think your post hit the nail on the head for why.

Many of us use food to deal with underlying issues. A lot of us, also, assume that we have those issues because we are overweight. I don't know if this is the case for you, but it is common. When we then lose the weight, we realize the issues are still there. And we no longer turn to food, which can make it hard to cope with them.

Learning self acceptance will help. There are many ways people go about this. Finding new hobbies, counselling, the works. I've found yoga helps somewhat.

SomeNights246

jane837 wrote: »

I went through a period where I was pretty shaken up by my weight loss. I was completely blindsided by the difference in how the world treated me, and I was angry about it. I was also exhausted by having to figure out how to navigate social interactions that suddenly had REALLY different rules.

Oh boy, i know where you're coming from.

I was disillusioned, to be honest. Suddenly, everyone was treating me differently. In most cases, nicer. In many other cases... more flirtatious (not exactly the word I want to use, but I'm sure people get the drift). The former should have made me feel good, but for many reasons (mostly the ED, so I experienced the lash from it really hard) it made me feel horrible. The latter just made me feel like an object, because men who used to treat me like a human being no longer were. Still don't, but I've learned to tell them to hit the road.

Stuff changes, and it can leave many of us shaken up. Whether we have eating disorders (as I do) or not (as I'm sure most of you don't). The world changes, and it helps to learn to deal with those changes in as healthy a way as possible.

Stargazer525

I have started to notice this about myself too... I look in the mirror and think "Is that me??" My brain can't seem to take it in.

Further up, someone mentioned posts by others saying that they "feel" themselves and I have noticed this too... I thought I was the only one!

Jolinia

gothchiq wrote: »

It takes a few months to "fit" into your new body size. It's disorienting at first. My clothes still don't look like they should be the right size, yet they are.

As to the issues, well, I have plenty also lol. Therapy is one way but that costs money and takes time which you may or may not have. Another way is to do a hobby like sewing, cross stitch, any kind of art, crafts, etc. For special occasions going out dancing is a good way to blow off stress. Hooping at home with music is good, assuming there is some space to do it somewhere. If it has to be oral gratification, try sampling many different flavors of tea. The jasmine tea by Twinings is OMG heavenly. I would recommend Twinings or Stash over Bigelow or Lipton in terms of quality. Crappy flavored tea is.... well, crappy lol. Price difference is minimal.

And, depending on the state you live in, there may be green herbal options, but of course one must abide by all laws to keep one's nose clean, and such.

My kind of person, stuck in the 1800s just like me! I crochet and I'm thinking of starting a vegetable garden this year.

Also, 365 Rooibos orange vanilla tea from Whole foods is lovely, too. It's my new favorite.

As others have said, OP, take time, let yourself settle into your new shape. Then celebrate your victory. And then figure out what you want to do next with your life now that you've gotten the weight and health thing down (though maintaining has its moments, too, else I probably wouldn't be on MFP again). You might be anxious in part because now you need to move forward with your life or make major changes to other aspects of it, and that can be a scary place to be.

loribethrice

I had to start going to therapy because ow that I've lost so much weight I am scared to death of gaining. And I'm afraid of messing up and eating over my calories. I don't know if I was happier when I was bigger, but I do miss not worrying about calories and all of those things. I miss being able to eat what I want without major guilt and self-hatred. I miss not being anxious over every outing because I can't find the nutrition list to know calories at a restaurant. It's made me obsessive.

irejuvenateme

Congrats on your loss, you did this and you should feel good since this is something you wanted it... and you probably wanted it first for yourself before anything else (attention from others, etc).

There is no harm in therapy (I have had my share and it was helpful) to talk through these kinds of things.

On another level I would say don't let these disorienting feelings or even understandable irritation in some cases derail you from something you had set out to do - if you are getting healthy that will help you for life and all its stresses... And if people really are paying more attention because of your weight loss, well, you have the judgment of who matters in your life and who likes you for you regardless of the weight.

I know for myself I have had to think about balance I know I am much more focused on my diet or exercise and sometimes I forget about the other parts of my life(what makes me happy, etc) and it starts to derail.

Congrats on your success and good luck through this disorienting time - you will get through it!

flumi_f

Nothing wrong with reaching out for professional help. Many of us overate to coverup other issues. You have torn down the outside walls, now you notice the inside walls. Look for someone to help you through this. That will help you keep the weight off too.

I did it the other way around. I worked on my inside problems and all of a sudden weightloss wasn't hard anymore. It doesn't matter how you do it,but it is important, that you address your issues.

palwithme

I think your post shows you are smart and have a lot of insight into your inner self. Maybe look at this struggle as the next stage in your journey? This might even be more difficult than the weight loss. But you can do it.