My best friend just had a heart attack, is there any way I can help him?

Ooci

I love my BF with all my heart, can I do anything to help him get his life back?

• He hates exercise
• He smokes
• He drinks a whole bottle of wine every single night
• He is depressed and currently out of work - he's an architect
• He lives on fat and sugar
• He lives alone
• He is just 43
• He is overweight but not obese

If I bought him gym membership, do you think this might be a wake-up call to go? How about an online set of exercises to get him started? How do you persuade someone who is killing themselves with much of the above that exercise fixes all this and makes you confident and healthy? He could turn it all around - it isn't too late. If there any suggestions of anything I could give him I'd be very grateful.

WhatMeRunning

Just my advice, take it for whatever you feel it is worth.

Be the best friend your friend wants you to be. Be there for whatever they need. Give advice when asked. Be prepared to offer wise health advice if they ask or discussions go that way. Don't be preachy about anything.

Ooci

grimmeanor wrote: »

Just my advice, take it for whatever you feel it is worth.

Be the best friend your friend wants you to be. Be there for whatever they need. Give advice when asked. Be prepared to offer wise health advice if they ask or discussions go that way. Don't be preachy about anything.

But yes. You can't force people can you. I feel I'm going to lose him, and I'll miss him so very much.

PRMinx

Ooci wrote: »

grimmeanor wrote: »

Just my advice, take it for whatever you feel it is worth.

Be the best friend your friend wants you to be. Be there for whatever they need. Give advice when asked. Be prepared to offer wise health advice if they ask or discussions go that way. Don't be preachy about anything.

But yes. You can't force people can you. I feel I'm going to lose him, and I'll miss him so very much.

You can't force people, but you shouldn't jump off a cliff either.

Have a little more faith in your friend.

VegasFit

I have a girlfriend with pretty much the same habits as your friend except she did stop smoking about a year ago and now does the eletronic cigs. She hasn't had a heart attack but she does have a serious health issue so her lifestyle doesn't help alleviate the symptoms. After 20 years I only continue to encourage her whenever she makes attempts to change her behavior but that is all I can do. She recently joined Curves and I am supporting her in that. So I wouldn't buy a gym membership for them. A person that hates the gym probably won't go. Can you suggest meeting for evening walks a couple times a week to start?

Ooci

VegasFit wrote: »

Can you suggest meeting for evening walks a couple times a week to start?

We don't live in the same city. We chat continuously though. Walking is great. Just a few hundred more steps each day would be brilliant as a start.

emdeesea

You can't change people. They have to do it themselves.

My best friend is an alcoholic, and has been for about 20 years. He is so bad he's had seizure episodes when he cuts down on his drinking, and his liver is failing. At this rate, I expect to lose him in about 10 years to the bottle.

I have scolded him, encouraged him, tried to get help for him, even accompanied him to an AA meeting - all of which was for nothing because he doesn't want to change.

So the only thing I can do at this point is to distance myself because he has chosen his own path. I have my life to lead as well. I can't spend my time worrying about someone who doesn't care about himself.

Just_Ceci

Ooci wrote: »

grimmeanor wrote: »

Just my advice, take it for whatever you feel it is worth.

Be the best friend your friend wants you to be. Be there for whatever they need. Give advice when asked. Be prepared to offer wise health advice if they ask or discussions go that way. Don't be preachy about anything.

But yes. You can't force people can you. I feel I'm going to lose him, and I'll miss him so very much.

Make sure he knows exactly how you feel and how much you will miss him if you lose him.

mistere627

He has a choice... either this opens his eyes that he needs to change his life and he makes changes. Or he wants to die. You have a choice of whether you want to be there to support and/or watch that happen.

At 38 and my Dr. just telling me it was time to see a cardiologist... enough was enough. He has a long road of recovery ahead of him and it's going to be hard. Be supportive but as in all things this is his call.

mistere627

Ceci_O_K wrote: »

Ooci wrote: »

grimmeanor wrote: »

Just my advice, take it for whatever you feel it is worth.

Be the best friend your friend wants you to be. Be there for whatever they need. Give advice when asked. Be prepared to offer wise health advice if they ask or discussions go that way. Don't be preachy about anything.

But yes. You can't force people can you. I feel I'm going to lose him, and I'll miss him so very much.

Make sure he knows exactly how you feel and how much you will miss him if you lose him.

...and that too.

sjebert

I'm 49 and just had a heart valve replaced, I was "forced" to go to Cardiac rehab after my surgery, and it was the best thing for me. I was the only one in the class to have the heart valve the rest had, had heart attacks or bypasses. They help you get yourself going again and they offer helpful advice. It will be up to him to take the advice or not but going to cardiac rehab in my opinion will do him a lot of good.

SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage

You have a choice to make - either support him emotionally regardless of his choices or distance yourself. You cannot force him to make lifestyle changes and he will likely end up resenting you if you push too hard. Either choice is hard, but it's yours to make.

Archon2

One thing at a time...the list can't be tackled at once. Also, he has got to be really ready for a change or it just isn't going to work. You can't make him fix anything, you can only help by being there in a positive manner.

Be supportive, do fun things together and talk about how he could approach quitting smoking. That is pretty much the most helpful thing to improve on. While cold turkey is usually the best, there are options nowadays. Get him to see a doctor about it might be a good initial step.

DrDoug62

Ooci...
You might want to try using positive reinforcement to shape his behavior. Start out small, such as reinforcing just general comments he makes about being healthier. As those comments become more frequent, then start reinforcing more serious comments about doing something about his health. A good non-technical guide for this is a book called Don't Shoot the Dog. The book is about animal training but the principles apply to humans as well. The latest edition is available on Amazon.

slucki01

BinkyBonk wrote: »

You have a choice to make - either support him emotionally regardless of his choices or distance yourself. You cannot force him to make lifestyle changes and he will likely end up resenting you if you push too hard. Either choice is hard, but it's yours to make.

I agree with this. If you pressure him to diet/exercise you're likely to get a reaction that is the opposite of what you intend. Just be there for him and be supportive. If he decides to make changes be supportive, but not pushy or gushy.

Calliope610

Ooci wrote: »

grimmeanor wrote: »

Just my advice, take it for whatever you feel it is worth.

Be the best friend your friend wants you to be. Be there for whatever they need. Give advice when asked. Be prepared to offer wise health advice if they ask or discussions go that way. Don't be preachy about anything.

But yes. You can't force people can you. I feel I'm going to lose him, and I'll miss him so very much.

Tell him that, end of discussion.

SoDamnHungry

Why don't you offer to go for walks with him instead of just getting a gym membership? I started getting into fitness because a friend and I would go together, and it didn't feel like work. Working out harder and eating healthier came in later.

MindySaysWhaaat

Let him know how you feel, but that's really all you can do, unfortunately.

It's a hard fact in life, but you can't force anyone to do anything they don't really want to do. Your friend will not change until he actually wants to change. My father is 59 years old, and has had 5 heart attacks. He didn't quit smoking until after the 5th one. Last year, my father was diagnosed with COPD and congestive heart failure where they gave him an implanted defibrillator to zap him if his heart ever stops. At the same time they told him that he needs to watch his liquid intake (because this is actually important for people with his problem), and that he needs to cut back significantly on his sodium intake. My dad knows that if he doesn't change his diet, he's going to probably die a lot sooner.

Yet, he has not changed his diet and he doesn't watch his liquid intake.

Ooci

Such wise words from everyone. It's painful to read your personal stories and how hopeless it can be, but it helps too. Thank you.
It's hard when you've turned your own life away from those issues- you want to give that gift to the people you love who haven't. But you can't, I guess.

Calliope610 wrote: »

Tell him that, end of discussion.

I will.

Ooci

DrDoug62 wrote: »

Ooci...
You might want to try using positive reinforcement to shape his behavior. Start out small, such as reinforcing just general comments he makes about being healthier. As those comments become more frequent, then start reinforcing more serious comments about doing something about his health. A good non-technical guide for this is a book called Don't Shoot the Dog. The book is about animal training but the principles apply to humans as well. The latest edition is available on Amazon.

I'll get it, many thanks.

katkins73

A Fitbit may be better than a gym membership. It is do motivating to see how active you have been. I don't use them but Fitbit also have forums with challenges. I think it may be a gentle nudge

Ooci

That's a great idea, thank you katkins!

Alluminati

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for a person to want to do something about it. Their idea of rock bottom may be different from yours. You can either distance yourself or be his support, but you can't change him as only he can do that himself. Good luck OP.

Vailara

If he's "just" had a heart attack, I would go really easy. He probably needs to follow the advice of his medical team on exercise, and now might not be the time to throw himself into the gym if he's not used to it. I didn't qualify for cardiac rehab and I would have found it so helpful - if that's available for him, it might be more appropriate than trying to judge the right level to hit for in a gym.

I found that what I really needed at the beginning was just moral support. Everybody tries to jolly you along, and not many seem to recognise the high risk of another attack shortly after the first, or the stress of going through that experience. What I really appreciated was people who could understand that I was afraid and support me, instead of fobbing me off with false reassurance. I'm just thinking that if he's already depressed, maybe it's the emotional support that will be really important - and that help with the depression might help him to sort out the other lifestyle stuff.

I think it's lovely that you care so much .

LKArgh

You can encourage him to seek psychiatric help for his depression, you can encourage him to follow the cardiologist's advice and to keep up with his appointments, you can let him know you are there for him if needs to talk, and that's about it.