Anorexia, post babies, feeling like trash.

JBaby11113

So I was always very thin when I was younger (pre kids) and I did used to take pills and everything to stay skinny. I was very much underweight but I always struggled always feeling overweight. Now I have had 3 kids and I am about 20 lbs away from my pre baby weight but I feel SO huge. I know I am not that bad anymore but I can hardly take a shower with my husband without wanting to cry. I am not sure what to do but I need this weight OFF NOW. I amso uncomfortable I can't even explain it. I dont want to look in the mirror and I just feel depressed. I haven't talked to my therapist about it at all recently (I see a therapist because I have been diagnosed and treated for OCD since I was 10 or so). I know OCD and anorexia go hand in hand a lot but I dont know that it is anorexia I am struggling with. I feel like I actually am just overweight and thats why I feel this way.

scottwheeler75

You have probably heard the saying, "We are our own worse enemy". I find it interesting and troubling that we often look upon ourselves with the most severe criticism. We compare ourselves to others, seeing our differences as flaws. Part of the challenge most of us face is learning to love and accept ourselves. Being skinny is not as important as being strong and healthy.

Hang in there! Add me as a friend, ScottWheeler75, if you think I could help. I do know a good nutritionist, who I trust, that deals with eating disorders. I can get you her contact info if you are interested.

-Scott

Codilee87

Sounds like body dysmorphia. Ask yourself this: when you a woman with the same basic height and build as you, do you think they look fat and gross, or do you think they look healthy and beautiful?

JBaby11113

Thanks scott!
Codilee87, when I see women my size (or close to) i usually think they look ok I wouldnt say "healthy and beautiful" I dont know. I guess I would need to see a specific person to say!

JBaby11113

I looked up some information on BDD and it said that the disorder is often an obsession with a specific part of the body rather than the overall weight or shape. I am DEFINITELY more worried about my entire body. I dont know. Maybe I am just overweight and nothings wrong with me feeling that way?!

tostaky

Hiya, i too used to be anorexic and stick thin and i too have three kids now! Have you ever done some CBT? I found it really helpful. Also i try to focus on my kids rather than on my body. Is there something in your life that isnt right at the moment? Maybe you should look for causes... Often "we" try to gain control over our body because we have lost control somewhere else.. How is it going with your children? How old are they? Mine: 2, 4 and 6!
Friend me if you wish

JBaby11113

Mine are 6 3 and 1. Ive struggled with it since I was in high school and was skinny anyway so I dont know why =(. Its just worse now because of baby weight

SuperFitastic

Learning to love your body is everything. Treat it with kindness. Give it exercize it needs not as a discipline but as a way of loving it. Give it the nutrition it needs because you love it. Love your body enough to avoid harmful foods. You can do this. Learn to find value in you and to find a healthy level of selfishness making your own physical well-being a priority. You'll find the mind is sure to follow. The most underused anti-depressant is exercise. It takes 21 days of making yourself to build a habit and find enjoyment in it and you have to believe

JBaby11113

I know this is unhealthy but I dont eat really. I mainly use homemade smoothies for nutrition. I hate the feeling of being full! I feel gross. I just was wondering if anyone else has gone through this kind of thing while trying to lose weight.

scottwheeler75

JBaby11113 wrote: »

I know I am not that bad anymore but I can hardly take a shower with my husband without wanting to cry.

Your statement here has been bothering me since I saw your post. Maybe because I know my wife has felt the same way at times. But PLEASE (sorry for the all caps) remember that a husband's love for his wife, the mother of his children, is so much more than skin deep! You have sacrificed a lot to bring children into this world. We are incredibly grateful for this, for your willingness to go through the pain and discomfort and the affects on your body. Your personality and inner beauty is so much more important to us. Want is also important to us is how you feel about yourself. You are so much more than just your weight! I hope the two of you can lean on each other during tough times. Support and love one another unconditionally.

-Scott

JBaby11113

Thank you, Scott! I really needed that. He tells me all the time that he knows my body is different after having kids but that hes grateful for them. He tells me I am beautiful and I know he means it but there is a part of me that doesnt. I am lucky to have a husband who is very understanding of my mind set and knows of my previous eating disorder so he knows how I am about it. He says the same kind of thing about the weight thing doesnt matter, and I know it sounds completley immature and shallow but it matters to me! (not about him, about me). I want to feel just as sexy as I did when we met, for me and for him.

brianpperkins

Your posts admit you were underweight and taking unhealthy measures to reach that state before your first child. Now your goals state that you want to return to that unhealthy, underweight state.

Without knowing your basic stats (height, weight, etc) it is impossible for anyone here to assess if you are at a healthy weight right now or not. If you actually have any weight to lose (a very big if given your admitted history), I would recommend discussing it with an ED specialist. There are some things in the way you describe your current situation that scream potential issues if you were to embark on a weight loss program without specialized supervision.

irejuvenateme

Fellow parent here, sounds like you have a supportive husband.
What I would ask is what happens when you reach your goal - how is your life supposed to change?
Could the goal change into getting healthy and sustaining those changes? Eating is important to both having energy, and being fit.
I can appreciate wanting to look a certain way, but also being healthy for the rest of your life will have great benefits to you.

I also would add that starvation will probably not get you the result you are looking for, either mentally or physically, and may make parenting and handling life's challenges that much harder.

Good luck on your journey and congrats on your kids! I have twins and they are a handful so I can't imagine 3!

Jennloella

you've got to talk to your therapist. You know you do. I can't imagine crying when you look in the mirror is not normal and it is not the result of a mere 20 pounds, there's a lot more going on in your head. Don't forget about the little people looking up to you now, teach them a healthy relationship with food, and get enough food that you can keep up with them. They won't remember if mommy was skinny, they'll remember if mommy ran with them at the park and ate meals with them.

jgnatca

If you are heavier than you were before your babies and you were too skinny before, you are likely closer to ideal now. You just haven't gotten used to the new you.

My daughter, naturally slim, changed shape with her baby. Her hips widened and her breasts got bigger. Frankly, all her changes were closer to the "ideal", a lovely hourglass shape. I notice, because I am an artist.

I think the worst thing you could do is try and lose the new twenty pounds, and the best thing is to talk to your therapist about learning to enjoy your new body.

cerad2

Use one of the many online calculators to calculate your current Body Mass Index (BMI). That will at least give you a starting point.

JBaby11113

I do know that I am NOT setting a good example for my 2 daughters. I cook for them half the time (my husband the other half) and when I do I often "clean the kitchen" to avoid sitting and craving eating. I DO know this is unhealthy. Trust me when I say I absolutley know what I am doing is bad. I know this because I tried to gain muscle and I just couldnt stand seeing the scale go up, so I stopped and decided I'd rather be skinny than see a high number on the scale. I know that isnt normal. I know that weighing my food and myself before I eat it to get an idea of what that might do to me is not normal (or accurate). In my head I know these things but I am so scared of gaining.
Pre baby I weighed between 120-125 lbs. I am/was 5' 4.5" (Some dr's say 5'5" some say 5'4" lol so I am somewhere in between).
I am still the same height and I weighed as of this morning 142 lbs even. That, on a BMI scale, is ok but to me I look big. Especially my thighs and sides, probably from having babies.
I believe the extra weight on the thighs isn's as big of a deal as my sides because as you said JGNATCA, Its in "the right" place. Jenloella, I plan on talking to her about it at my next appointment. I would think that the Prozac I am currently on would be helping but it isnt. Also, just to let everyone know, the most important thing in my life is my kids. I can't stand the idea that I am ruining their own self esteem by my issues. I just can't seem to stop. I am stuck.

scottwheeler75

JBaby11113 wrote: »

Thank you, Scott! I really needed that. He tells me all the time that he knows my body is different after having kids but that hes grateful for them. He tells me I am beautiful and I know he means it but there is a part of me that doesnt. I am lucky to have a husband who is very understanding of my mind set and knows of my previous eating disorder so he knows how I am about it. He says the same kind of thing about the weight thing doesnt matter, and I know it sounds completley immature and shallow but it matters to me! (not about him, about me). I want to feel just as sexy as I did when we met, for me and for him.

Your feelings are not immature or shallow. It's about self image, how we feel about ourselves. You are lucky to have a supportive spouse. Hang on to him! And like one of the previous posts mentioned, be healthy for the kids, your husband, and yourself. And don't give up trying!

JBaby11113

Once I get back to 125 I want to be able to be happy with it but everytime I hit a new goal it isn't enough. So I am worried this is spiralling out of control.

dbanks80

scottwheeler75 wrote: »

JBaby11113 wrote: »

I know I am not that bad anymore but I can hardly take a shower with my husband without wanting to cry.

Your statement here has been bothering me since I saw your post. Maybe because I know my wife has felt the same way at times. But PLEASE (sorry for the all caps) remember that a husband's love for his wife, the mother of his children, is so much more than skin deep! You have sacrificed a lot to bring children into this world. We are incredibly grateful for this, for your willingness to go through the pain and discomfort and the affects on your body. Your personality and inner beauty is so much more important to us. Want is also important to us is how you feel about yourself. You are so much more than just your weight! I hope the two of you can lean on each other during tough times. Support and love one another unconditionally.

-Scott

Preach brother!!!!

JBaby11113

Your feelings are not immature or shallow. It's about self image, how we feel about ourselves. You are lucky to have a supportive spouse. Hang on to him! And like one of the previous posts mentioned, be healthy for the kids, your husband, and yourself. And don't give up trying![/quote]

Thank you for the support and I love that my husband is so understanding, there are very few men like him!!

nineateseven

JBaby11113 wrote: »

I do know that I am NOT setting a good example for my 2 daughters. I cook for them half the time (my husband the other half) and when I do I often "clean the kitchen" to avoid sitting and craving eating. I DO know this is unhealthy. Trust me when I say I absolutley know what I am doing is bad. I know this because I tried to gain muscle and I just couldnt stand seeing the scale go up, so I stopped and decided I'd rather be skinny than see a high number on the scale. I know that isnt normal. I know that weighing my food and myself before I eat it to get an idea of what that might do to me is not normal (or accurate). In my head I know these things but I am so scared of gaining.

I don't know that you would exactly qualify for a diagnosis of an eating disorder, but it does sound like you're struggling with disordered eating. The different between the two is a matter of degrees. I've struggled with disordered eating since high school, but I never would have qualified for a diagnosis of anorexia or any other eating disorder. Basically, with disordered eating, you struggle with the same thought patterns and behavioral urges, but your symptoms don't cross the line... yet.

First, major applause for recognizing what is going on. That's incredible. It shows an inner strength that can really help you get things on a safer track. Most people have no idea how much strength it takes to recognize disordered eating patterns... and then talk about it to ask for help. Your courage is amazing.

Second, I think it would be a good idea to talk to your therapist. You're right that OCD and anorexia go hand in hand. Anorexia really isn't about weight so much as it is about control. The problem is, it never truly puts you in control. The thought patterns take over. At the same time, your body has automatic mechanisms in place that will not submit to extreme deprivation in the way you're expecting. Your body will fight back in an effort to keep you alive, and it snowballs. You will lose fat and muscle, but with anorexia, it happens in a very dangerous and damaging way. Important structures in your body like your heart and brain are comprised of muscle and fat. When you severely deprive your body, it breaks down muscle and fat in ways that cause damage in vital organs like your liver and kidneys. If you starve yourself for too long and then try to regain weight back into a safer zone, it often comes back in the places you don't want it... that happens because your body is panicking and padding fat stores incase you starve again.

From the other side of things, I can tell you I am almost 100% certain that disordered eating is what messed up my metabolism and actually contributed to weight gains. I was always thin and never worried about what I ate. I was constantly hungry and just ate whatever I craved. Most of the time, I craved healthy foods anyway, so I figured I just had a high metabolism and my body was craving what it needed. But then I hit a low point in high school, and suddenly being thin seemed like the only thing I could control when it came to how people perceived me. So, I decided to become thinner. I kept myself from going over the edge into a full-blown eating disorder, but the thought patterns have lurked in the shadows ever since. I never struggled with weight gain until after that.

I'm finally getting a solid understanding of my body's metabolism and how to work with my body. I'm eating a high number of calories per day, but the baby weight is finally coming off. That's 2.5 years after I had my son. I tried low calorie and high exercise. No good. I'd lose weight at first, but the weight loss never lasted and that would trigger a spiral into disordered thought patterns again.

Now, I feel like I'm starting to get my old metabolism back. I'm eating almost constantly, but not gaining. My body is becoming more toned and strong. That makes me look thinner and more shapely.

It really is so hard adjusting to your body after having babies. I felt like an alien in my own body for so long after my son was born. I feel like I'm starting to find myself again, but it's been by learning how to work with my body, not against it.

acorsaut89

Ok so you admitted that you have a past history with ED and that you took pills to stay skinny . . . but then your profile says you never had to worry about what you ate. Those with an ED - even if it is binging/purging - almost always worry about everything that goes into their mouths.

I'm thinking - either way - you should see some kind of therapist/counsellor for this as obviously this isn't healthy and your children - especially you daughters - are going to watch you go through this, potentially leading to unhealthy views for them.

Sabine_Stroehm

You had an ED when you were young. You have an ED now. I'd say it's time to really tackle this demon. For yourself, and for your kids.

howardge

Dear, it seems like a good idea to start talking to your therapist about these feelings. It sounds like your negative feelings about your body are having a really negative impact on your overall wellness, which is not good! Everybody is amazing! And each and every BODY is amazing! Think about all the things your body can do! Think about how your body MADE THREE PEOPLE! Think of how your body lets you explore and experience the world around you! Bodies are wonderful! Yes, YOUR body too!

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling good about yours right now. I'm in recovery for ED. It is hard. It will always be a struggle, but it is so much better now than it used to be for me. You can do this. But tell your therapist. ED is serious business.

jgnatca

Your concern for your daughters brought to mind a lovely woman who is making food in to art for her fussy daughter. It's a sort of tribute to the loveliness of food.

http://instagram.com/leesamantha

This doesn't replace the suggestion to work this out with your therapist, but I thought I'd share.

JBaby11113

nineateseven- thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you are in a better place! My metabolism is something I am worried I am ruining since I had a great metabolism back before kids. I didn't want that to go and I am happy to know people can come back from it. I am painfully aware of my issues and it's good to know that that is a good thing lol. I thank you for your insight as well

- "Ok so you admitted that you have a past history with ED and that you took pills to stay skinny . . . but then your profile says you never had to worry about what you ate. Those with an ED - even if it is binging/purging - almost always worry about everything that goes into their mouths." I chose to take the pills so that I would get thinner than I was without worrying, yes. So without the pills I was a normal skinny naturally. I took the pills to get skinnier. Not sure why that's confusing. And as I said, I am seeing a therapist and plan totalk to her in depth about this BECAUSE OF my daughters.

My body has done amazing things for sure! I will be talking to my therapist. Heres the thing, I know it requires me to be committed to getting better. That's what I need to focus on-getting my mind in that relm.

ETA:
I personally don't think it is anorexia (thats just what it seems like it may be going towards) I truly feel that I have really bad habits to keeping myself thin and I think they are getting worse and possibly creating another ED that I know was probably there previously.

JBaby11113

jgnatca- THAT'S SO CUTE!!!! I absolutely love it.

howardge

JBaby1113 that second to last last post is an excellent insight. Eating disorders can often develop from disordered eating! An example: I've had negative feelings about my body since I was a little kid. When a serious relationship ended in college, I was so upset that my appetite vanished. I just didn't feel hungry. I wasn't purposefully depriving myself, I just never felt hungry.

Eventually I noticed that this had caused a significant bit of weight loss (and also headaches, weakness, dizziness, and a generally agitated attitude). But I prioritized the weight loss over all those indicators that said something was wrong. Even though I hadn't set out to lose weight, once I had started, I didn't want to stop. I went even further, this time intentionally depriving myself of food, and creating misguided strategies to deal with hunger pain and all the other negative symptoms, just so I would lose more weight. Disordered eating turned into an eating disorder.

Your body needs food so that it can do its thing. It is not your enemy-- it is a super awesome part of you!