going thru a hard time

brenn24179

My Dad died this week and I have a small family. I loved my Dad unconditionally but we didn't agree on some things and it made it hard. My Dad had no spine and he was no good to me when I ran into bullies and married a Nut when I was 19. My Dad took the Christian thing too far. I wished he had just told him off one time but it never happened and parents continue to be good friends with my xhusb and woman he left me for. They seen nothing wrong with ignoring me or not standing up for me. But I forgave and did best I could with it. I feel peace.

My best friend just let me down by not coming to my Dads funeral. It hurts so bad, she really is just lazy, she is big and does nothing about her weight. She says your Dad is all the way there (only 20 min away) She just texted and says I am praying for you, thinking about you. I told her I needed here there and she turned it around and said I didn't think you wanted me because I told her it was ok since she didn't want to drive there. Anyway, she was lazy.

I usually eat at times like this but I just thanked the so call friend for calling and went to the gym and worked off my feelings. My weight is good and I have way too much going on in my life to be sad. I had other great friends, good hubby, house paid for, job I love. Yes I wont eat. I will be grateful.

I certaintly don't feel like killing myself for her any more as I have in the past, was there for her at funerals. Loving relationships makes you want to be loving, this one I will have to forgive but not kill myself for her any more, I would feel too taken advantage of.

Life is hard, weight is hard, but I am working thru issues now, feeling pain not eating my pain away. So lets look good, be grateful and make those meanies wish they had been good to us! Go get'm tiger is what someone on MFP just told me!

salad_bar

Don't le the past (or negative/toxic) people define who you are, or who you want to become.

scudsmom

You can only control yourself. Others have to account for themselves and live with their decisions.

MinnieInMaine

Did you tell her it was ok? If so, that's an iffy situation. You need to be straight with people if you need their help/support. If not and she's just using that as a weird excuse and it's not the first time, then maybe it is time to cut ties. Her being fat and lazy isn't the problem (her choice)...the problem is that she's taking more than she's giving and that's a bad relationship no matter who is involved.

I had a weird friendship years ago and ended up cutting ties. She was very immature for her age and while she was a lot of fun to hang around, I couldn't deal with her craziness anymore. I bought a house and was trying to not be going out so late anymore because I had a lot more responsibilities...so we'd make plans to hang out more during the day and she'd always come up with some excuse why she suddenly needed to move things back a few hours. The last straw was her telling me she had to stay home to watch her parents dog. LOL, what?! I knew she was a lier from how she treated her boyfriends but never thought she'd pull that crap on me, the person who was supposedly her best friend. Meh, just as well, I have other friends that are MUCH better people and get the whole give and take thing.

jgnatca

Lots of people have weaknesses and insecurities and will let you down on occasion. Even dads. It's OK to be mad at him a little bit for dying on you.

You can scale back your involvement with your friend.

CeddysMum

My condolences for your loss!

As to your friend, I've been where you are, in my case it was (what I thought was) close family who'd let me down in my time of need. It is a painful and heartbreaking experience I don't wish on anyone.

You will heal from it, provided you don't allow it to eat you up inside, and you will be stronger at the other end of the tunnel!

Until then, be kind to yourself. Kudos to you for channelling your hurt feelings into something productive rather than into eating! That is a great victory!!!

airmedic8

Remember that 80% of people just plain don't care about your problems. The other 20% are just glad it happen to you and not them. Thats sad but true. On the journey through life you will go alone through almost every hard time. When you make it through stand proud that you were able to do it, even if it was alone. You will make it through I promise.

brenn24179

she started complaining about having to come so I just said ok. I was half crazy with grief and probably should have demanded her be there but any good friend would have said I am there for you I will be there. And the 80% that don't care, well they miss out on some good friendships. You have to be loving if you want it back. Yep, we make it thru alone but it is always better if you have someone to lean on. MFP strangers help me. It is heartbreaking but have been thru stuff before and learned to be grateful for good stuff I have. Especially losing this weight, feels so good but I think I feel pain more, don't have my drug but I know I will get thru it. Thanks to everyone for replying. No excuse to eat. I want to take care of myself.

brenn24179

jgnatca wrote: »

Lots of people have weaknesses and insecurities and will let you down on occasion. Even dads. It's OK to be mad at him a little bit for dying on you.

You can scale back your involvement with your friend.

It may also be a good think to scale back. She has a big family and mine is small. It is hard to watch, like someone having a husband and you alone on valentines day. It may be something I needed to do all along, it may be a good thing in the long run, painful now

SwankyTomato

Here is a word to add to your vocabulary...Reciprocity. def....the practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit, especially privileges granted by one country or organization to another.

Friendships, relationships, your job, etc...are rooted in reciprocity, good or negative. There has to be some sort of "positive give and take" in a loving relationship in order for there to be a close relationship.

Also, I like this saying, "In order to have a friend, you must be a friend".

Yes, it is painful to take the blinders off and SEE who a person really is. This person who has hurt you deeply is really not a friend right now. Maybe in the future she will be a friend to you again, but you can only deal with the cards you have on the table today.

Is she a "user" type of person? You say you "bend over backwards" for her? Just take a step back right now and go on with life.

HUGS and so sorry for your loss.

SueInAz

airmedic8 wrote: »

Remember that 80% of people just plain don't care about your problems. The other 20% are just glad it happen to you and not them. Thats sad but true. On the journey through life you will go alone through almost every hard time. When you make it through stand proud that you were able to do it, even if it was alone. You will make it through I promise.

This is a rather cynical way to look at people. I'm sorry you've had people in your life who make you feel this way but most of us know at least one or two people outside of immediate family who would be there for us, no matter what. Those are true friends and I'm lucky enough to have more than a few.

OP, my sister has gone through something similar in her life recently. A few years ago, a friend for over 25 years decided to divorce her husband (he hadn't cheated or done anything wrong to her) and leaned on my sister HARD for 6 months after because she was "devastated". Finally, my sister finally told her friend that she couldn't be there for her every night, that she had her family, her husband had told her that their 10 year-old daughter (my niece) had been crying that she never saw her anymore. The friend said "Doesn't she know it's only for a few more weeks?"

They drifted apart but around Christmas they decided to get together again. During their talks this woman threw that whole situation back in my sister's face and went off on my sister about how she was never there for her when she really needed her. My sister finally realized that the relationship went one way and probably always had, she'd just been too blind to see it.

I've known others with "friends" who were more obvious with their ability to take and take rarely ever give back. The hard part is sometimes making the person being used understand what's really going on.

The point is, some people are users and takers. It often takes a situation where you really need them to make it apparent, though. I'd just slowly let your relationship with this "friend" to die off, or become more casual.

Sandcastles61

So very sorry for your loss.... I have never been a person who does funerals well after a traumatic funeral experience as a child. I always break down whether I knew the person well or not. A few years ago my best friend's mom died. I remember driving up to the church and seeing the hearse..... and I just kept driving! I finally pulled over around the corner and called my mom (mind you I was in my late 40's at the time) and it took her a half hour to convince me I had to go back. I sat in the rear of the church so I could excuse myself as needed, but I stayed and she was grateful even though she knew ahead of time how hard it was for me to go.

Maybe your friend has a funeral phobia like I do? But if she's just not a supportive friend that's something else. I hope you find your strength and keep your own life journey as your focus!

brenn24179

she has always reciprocated in our friendship. She does seem lazy though, didn't want to work and doesn't work on her weight and she is heavy and could care less. She did tell me one friend got mad at her because she didn't do something for her, that was probably a red flag there. I don't know,I am just backing off some. I thought she got it that I didn't have much family and it is hard but maybe she is spoiled because she has so much. Either way she wasn't there and I have to grieve this also. Thanks for the replies.

SueInAz

brenn24179 wrote: »

she has always reciprocated in our friendship. She does seem lazy though, didn't want to work and doesn't work on her weight and she is heavy and could care less. She did tell me one friend got mad at her because she didn't do something for her, that was probably a red flag there. I don't know,I am just backing off some. I thought she got it that I didn't have much family and it is hard but maybe she is spoiled because she has so much. Either way she wasn't there and I have to grieve this also. Thanks for the replies.

I really am so sorry for you. You are dealing with two losses right now, the second probably even more painful than the loss of your dad because of the way it happened.

The problem is, laziness is a symptom of the problem, not THE problem. If she knows enough about you to know how few people you have in your life, making each one that much more important to you (and she certainly should), how devastated you are by the death of your father, a 20 minute drive would have been nothing to her. Nothing. It'd have to be one hell of an excuse to miss the funeral of a good friend's parent (like the poster above because I certainly get that and I'm betting her friend loved her enough to realize how difficult it was for her to be there at all).

If your friend really cared, she would have been there, lazy or not. Her poor diet and general laziness have nothing to do with the depth of her feelings for you and her wanting to support you on one of the worst days of your life. The problem is, it meant less to her to be there for you than the inconvenience of a 20 minute drive (which is shorter than my drive to work every morning!). That's just sad. A true friend is someone who is there for you during the difficult times, no matter how much of an inconvenience it is for them.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse. You just need to understand how people like that think and how little she apparently values you and your feelings. You need to remember these things, especially, the next time she calls or texts you and asks you to do something for her. There's nothing wrong with remaining her friend, you just need to pay attention and objectively observe her behavior and decide if your friendship is something you value more than she does and whether or not you aren't worth more.

brenn24179

I don't want to take the victim role here, I guess we will just have a casual relationship if any at all where we will chat once in a while but neither will be there for big events, at least it will be even stevens that way and I wont get resentful. Probably save me a lot of work in the future. I don't want to go around saying poor me and be a victim all the time. Don't really know how to cope but this is all I know to do or get rid of her which may happen.

brenn24179

I was even stupid enough to say ok when she started complaining about 20 min drive and said well I know you would take me if I didn't have a way. I just didn't want to believe it and still don't.

tulips_and_tea

brenn24179 wrote: »

I don't want to take the victim role here, I guess we will just have a casual relationship if any at all where we will chat once in a while but neither will be there for big events, at least it will be even stevens that way and I wont get resentful. Probably save me a lot of work in the future. I don't want to go around saying poor me and be a victim all the time. Don't really know how to cope but this is all I know to do or get rid of her which may happen.

Good for you. Sounds like you are on the right track, as difficult as all this is for you. I'm very sorry for that. But, the fact that you can be open-minded and not blame others for your pain/loss is a good thing.

For your own peace of mind and possibly closure, I'd remind her, in very plain language what you've stated here: 1) she has a large family support system that she may take for granted since that's all she's ever known, whereas your family is very small and you were relying on your friendship with her for support; 2) that in your shock and grief you did not express your need for her to be there for you at the funeral clearly. It's understandable that in that situation you didn't say the exact words you would've liked to have used. Anyway, just a couple of thoughts. Hope it maybe helps.

brenn24179

gosh we thought this site was just about logging food and counting calories, this is the stuff that has made me eat when I didn't have ya. thanks so much

SueInAz

brenn24179 wrote: »

gosh we thought this site was just about logging food and counting calories, this is the stuff that has made me eat when I didn't have ya. thanks so much

That's what we're here for. If nothing else, you can vent and get stuff off your chest that you might have kept inside and let it eat at you. It already seems like you have a lot of that mental stuff straightened out since you worked out instead of using food as a comfort mechanism and you've taken a very painful situation. maintained your dignity and made a difficult decision.

You should feel very proud of yourself and how far you've come. Instead of using a very difficult time as an excuse to eat to make yourself feel better you're dealing with painful things in a very adult and courageous manner.

brenn24179

thanks, it still hurts but I know it will get better, and at least I am not fat and hurting, that would be worse. I feel good and I can get a life and move on and find good people. Been thru stuff before, not easy but it will be worth it just like giving up the overeating.

brenn24179

ok I woke up angry but lost another pound so that is ok, I am working thru this. I was feeling guilty saying to my friend well it is ok, you don't know the area, I know you would give me a ride if I needed it, Well I remember saying the same thing to my Pastor and he had just lived here about 6 months, I told him I didn't expect him and church to come on the other side of town. Well he looked it up in the paper as well as the others and came!
Yep, she didn't want to put any effort into it but doesn't mind taking my effort when I was there at her husbands funeral, funeral home, house, food. Do I need to say more? I guess this will be casual relationship or maybe die down. Gosh this hurts but I guess better to know now. For some reason I woke up this morning remembering I said the exact same thing to others, they were there! what did she want me to beg? no she just didn't want to do anything.

brenn24179

I am thinking maybe I am judging or is it discernment. I don't know she wasn't there and it is what it is. Want to get rid of this and move on, I am sure others have dealt with it, I am not the only one. I am sure in time I will get it figured out.

SueInAz

brenn24179 wrote: »

I am thinking maybe I am judging or is it discernment. I don't know she wasn't there and it is what it is. Want to get rid of this and move on, I am sure others have dealt with it, I am not the only one. I am sure in time I will get it figured out.

You most certainly are not the only one who's gone through something like this. Time heals all wounds, right? It'll fade as time goes on. The best thing you can do is try not to dwell on it. Call a friend you haven't seen in awhile, but who has always been a good friend, and make a date.

opalsqueak007

Very sorry for your Loss! May I suggest that this may be a good time to dump the dead wood in your life. Life is short - trim away those people and things that hold you back or hold you down. Wishing you all the best.

brenn24179

BZAH10 wrote: »

brenn24179 wrote: »

I don't want to take the victim role here, I guess we will just have a casual relationship if any at all where we will chat once in a while but neither will be there for big events, at least it will be even stevens that way and I wont get resentful. Probably save me a lot of work in the future. I don't want to go around saying poor me and be a victim all the time. Don't really know how to cope but this is all I know to do or get rid of her which may happen.

Good for you. Sounds like you are on the right track, as difficult as all this is for you. I'm very sorry for that. But, the fact that you can be open-minded and not blame others for your pain/loss is a good thing.

For your own peace of mind and possibly closure, I'd remind her, in very plain language what you've stated here: 1) she has a large family support system that she may take for granted since that's all she's ever known, whereas your family is very small and you were relying on your friendship with her for support; 2) that in your shock and grief you did not express your need for her to be there for you at the funeral clearly. It's understandable that in that situation you didn't say the exact words you would've liked to have used. Anyway, just a couple of thoughts. Hope it maybe helps.

I just called her, she sent me a text yesterday. This will give me some closure. Havent heard from her yet. It will probably end with I guess we shoudnt expect so much from each other at big stuff that is going on. Trying not to judge, we will see what she says. She probably has stuff going on but I cant break my neck to be there for her any more or I will lose my temper. Hope I can move on, think I can after I get closure. Thank you

brenn24179

brenn24179 wrote: »

BZAH10 wrote: »

brenn24179 wrote: »

I don't want to take the victim role here, I guess we will just have a casual relationship if any at all where we will chat once in a while but neither will be there for big events, at least it will be even stevens that way and I wont get resentful. Probably save me a lot of work in the future. I don't want to go around saying poor me and be a victim all the time. Don't really know how to cope but this is all I know to do or get rid of her which may happen.

Good for you. Sounds like you are on the right track, as difficult as all this is for you. I'm very sorry for that. But, the fact that you can be open-minded and not blame others for your pain/loss is a good thing.

For your own peace of mind and possibly closure, I'd remind her, in very plain language what you've stated here: 1) she has a large family support system that she may take for granted since that's all she's ever known, whereas your family is very small and you were relying on your friendship with her for support; 2) that in your shock and grief you did not express your need for her to be there for you at the funeral clearly. It's understandable that in that situation you didn't say the exact words you would've liked to have used. Anyway, just a couple of thoughts. Hope it maybe helps.

I just called her, she sent me a text yesterday. This will give me some closure. Havent heard from her yet. It will probably end with I guess we shoudnt expect so much from each other at big stuff that is going on. Trying not to judge, we will see what she says. She probably has stuff going on but I cant break my neck to be there for her any more or I will lose my temper. Hope I can move on, think I can after I get closure. Thank you

oh my I just talked to her, I believe I was judgmental. She said she was wrong, I know time will tell but I think she is honest. I have a very uppity family and she is without money, overweight, not status type, everything my family is and she read me wrong when I said that is ok if you cant go. She thought I would be embarrassed by her and didn't want to tell me. If you knew my family you would understand. She said I will be there next time. I am glad I was honest, made the call .

I use to would have stayed mad and ate, ate, ate. Working stuff out is hard, thank ya so much, I wanted ya to see how it turned out. Yes this is better than eating, confrontation is hard but well worth it.

VickiLee45

Talk to your friend about it and let her know how you feel. Then forgive her for your sake. Then chose whether she is really what you need as a friend. That will ease up that issue in your life. Then concentrate on the next one. Put one foot in front of the other and strive for your goals. Release the tears. Try the punching bag for exercise.

SwankyTomato

Thanks for the update. Glad you are working through your issues. That is the important thing here.

Now whether she is honest or not remains to be seen, but you are being honest with her and that is what counts.

HUGS!