Feeling insensitive and I need advice.

herblackwings39

My mother in law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband and I of course want to spend as much time with his family as possible during this difficult time....which leaves me feeling insensitive cause.... it's ruining my diet. I know... I know...it's trivial. We go to restaurants where all they have is fried chicken or chicken fried steak or a 900 calorie sandwich or salad on the menu or we end up at their house where everything is take out and covered in sauces....Like bbq and potato salad and creamed corn.

I really don't want to waste calories on this food, but I feel obligated to not cause a fuss and eat with the family. It gives me major anxiety as these meals are not meals that I would have chosen even on my treat days. They just aren't my taste... I don't like pork or mayo. I'll eat cheese or pizza or filet mignon or even ice cream when I want a cheat day.

Should I just up my workouts on these days, not eat with the family or just know that I will not be losing weight on weeks where we eat with them?

Again, I know this is trivial when it comes to spending time with family... I just really don't want to have another 3000 calorie day. Breakfast to dessert. That's with me taking moderate amounts of everything and trying not to cause a fuss.

I like the idea of pre cooking meals. It will help your family when you're gone and while you're there you can help make healthier choices for everyone. Offer to cook or bring the things for salads and such that you'll enjoy and offer it to everyone. There's nothing wrong with letting them know you're making healthy changes for yourself and if they do have things you enjoy you can eat that as well.

When you go out there is no reason you can't eat the way you want to. Have your salad without all the extras or get them on the side and use as much as you normally would. There's nothing Judgey about it unless you're staring at the others choices and making the judgey face (which I'm sure you're not).

I hope things go well for your MIL though.

HollisGrant

My mother in law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband and I of course want to spend as much time with his family as possible during this difficult time....which leaves me feeling insensitive cause.... it's ruining my diet. I know... I know...it's trivial. We go to restaurants where all they have is fried chicken or chicken fried steak or a 900 calorie sandwich or salad on the menu or we end up at their house where everything is take out and covered in sauces....Like bbq and potato salad and creamed corn.

I really don't want to waste calories on this food, but I feel obligated to not cause a fuss and eat with the family. It gives me major anxiety as these meals are not meals that I would have chosen even on my treat days. They just aren't my taste... I don't like pork or mayo. I'll eat cheese or pizza or filet mignon or even ice cream when I want a cheat day.

Should I just up my workouts on these days, not eat with the family or just know that I will not be losing weight on weeks where we eat with them?

Again, I know this is trivial when it comes to spending time with family... I just really don't want to have another 3000 calorie day. Breakfast to dessert. That's with me taking moderate amounts of everything and trying not to cause a fuss.

They are probably eating that way as comfort food because they are stressed out over her illness.

Take some food with you or suggest another type of restaurant with a salad bar, which will offer healthier choices. Speak up in a kind friendly manner.

That constant type of food isn't good for your mother in law, either. My late husband had cancer for 13 years. I believe drinking water, walking or other exercise and eating a good diet helps people's bodies deal better with cancer as well as most other illnesses.

CherylP67

Is anyone in the family a small eater? When I have social or family obligations at restaurants without a lot of healthy options, I split a meal with my daughter or a friend who's also a lighter eater. Life is full of delicious foods, and I wouldn't want to get an iceberg lettuce, cucumber, and tomato salad at Toby Keith's. if you're at a restaurant and nobody wants to share, find things on the menu that aren't slathered in sauce or deep fried. I like the turkey wrap at Toby Keith's.

I agree about offering to cook.

I think that you are being very sensitive, and I understand your need to take care of yourself during this time. I hope your MIL responds well to treatment.

madmiya

if you're doing what you can to be supportive of your husband and your family, then you are not insensitive. self care is the most important thing because how can you take care of others if you feel terrible yourself? make sure to get in those work outs (if they make you feel good) even if you have to wake up earlier. bring your own food or just resist temptation. most places have salads or fruit. drink lots of water and cut out any desserts or sugary beverages making sure that your "cheat" is the actual meal if you can't get anything healthier. buy a big bag of fruit and carry apples around with you. drink water and eat an apple first before a greasy meal. eat more at healthier ones!

it's terrible. i hope your mil comes through and your family is okay. and good luck with your own health as well.

p1ppers

It's a stressful time for everyone and when we get stressed, we eat. Maybe you could get a turkey, ham or roast and bake it as a main meat and then just add vegetables, fruit or salad to complete it. What you need most is to eat healthy when you can to keep up your energy and you can always use the roast or turkey for sandwiches or stir fry's later and fix ham in omelets for breakfast or with cheese/crackers as snack with apples/peanut butter, etc. Just think of ideas that will fill you up and keep you on track and the others will probably be appreciative. Even if you can't cook a big meal that will feed for days, you can always pick up a roasted chicken or cooked ham at the grocery store to just warm up. Lots of fruit and vegetables will be much better to have for a quick fix if you can chop up and have "ready to eat" in case you have to grab and go. And it's much cheaper to have large meals like this at home vs hitting the restaurants. Good luck and may God bless you all.

cmeade20

Your mother in law has breast cancer and your family is going through a difficult time, and you're worried about your diet? How about a little perspective? It's not like anyone is forcing you to go over your calorie intake for the day. You can order what you want in restaurants can't you?! You can choose to have small portions while eating at their house, no? Why not focus on what really matters here.

I knew that there would be at least one here... I do understand the importance of being supportive for someone with breast cancer as my mom is a breast cancer survivor. She had breast cancer when I was in high school and then last year suffered a heart attack. Chemotherapy hasn't made her organs as strong as they should be.... she is not your stereotypical heart attack victim...she's tiny.

That's why it's important for me to be as healthy as possible so that I can reduce my risk of breast cancer and heart attack.... Also with my diagnosis of PCOS, it is important for me to continue to watch my diet so that my husband and I can continue to try to have a baby/I will start feeling better.

I guess the reason I'm worried about this is because I'm afraid I'll hurt people's feelings by bringing my own food or when I go to Tobey Keith's with them on Wednesday, I order a salad with no cornbread croutons, no tumble weed onions, no cheese and dressing on the side. That's the best way I can adapt that menu. I just don't want them to think I'm being judgey.

If your mother in law appears perturbed and you are comfortable with it, maybe you could privately explain the PCOS & trying to conceive part of this. I highly doubt your stricter diet would bother her knowing it may bring her grandchildren.

dpollet2

I'll bet nobody would even notice if you brought your own food or ordered things on the side. If they did mention it, and you'd think they'd judge you for thinking about your diet at a time like this, I'd just say that you're having tummy issues. I know that when I'm under a lot of stress that I could not eat that kind of rich food.

If you are out at a restaurant don't be shy about ordering sauces on the side or grilled options. I honestly don't think people care or are paying as much attention as you think they are.

Lyadeia

I guess the reason I'm worried about this is because I'm afraid I'll hurt people's feelings by bringing my own food or when I go to Tobey Keith's with them on Wednesday, I order a salad with no cornbread croutons, no tumble weed onions, no cheese and dressing on the side. That's the best way I can adapt that menu. I just don't want them to think I'm being judgey.

Why would you hurt people's feelings by eating what you need to eat?! Again, perspective. You're there supporting them through a difficult time, I really don't understand what your problem is. The last thing they'll care about at the moment is what you are or are not eating.

As for your comment about 'I knew there would be at least one...' One what? One rational, reasonable thinking person to tell you that you can eat what you want to eat? OK then....

I think she meant more along the lines of at least one person telling her that her problems don't matter compared to the others, therefore it's not OK to be concerned with yourself at this time.

May not have been what you meant, but it certainly came across that way.

Lyadeia

Your mother in law has breast cancer and your family is going through a difficult time, and you're worried about your diet? How about a little perspective? It's not like anyone is forcing you to go over your calorie intake for the day. You can order what you want in restaurants can't you?! You can choose to have small portions while eating at their house, no? Why not focus on what really matters here.

How about you get a little perspective- caring for a loved one who is dealing with a serious illness can place a serious toll on your wellbeing. Not only does it create a ton of emotional stress, it can also age you because of all of the physical manifestations due to the stress. Have you every cared for someone on a day to day basis? Did you jump out of bed full of energy with a positive attitude every day. It is hard work, with little thanks, and frequently without a positive outcome. It is just as important for care givers to take care of themselves. This means eating well and getting plenty of rest. As for the OP's initial question, if there is a place for you to cook and you are willing to cook for a crowd, I would see if the rest of the family is open to the idea of a few home cooked meals. When my mom was in you situation, I found that she didn't really want the crappy food, she just didn't have the time or energy to cook full meals for just herself. By spending one evening making a bunch of food that was freezer friendly, I insured there were healthy options available that we just as easy as take out. You are not being insensitive by worrying about your diet.

I agree with all of this.

I have seen first hand how a caretaker's health can go really bad when all they do is use that "perspective" to worry about the other person and not themselves. It doesn't take long, either...

OP, take care of yourself. There is nothing at all wrong with bringing your own food, cooking for the others, etc. during this difficult time. If they can't understand why you would want to do that, they perhaps THEY need this "perspective" that the other poster keeps bringing up. We all have problems and issues to deal with, no matter how small they may seem compared to others, but that doesn't mean they should be brushed aside. When you are taking care of yourself and making yourself healthy (and thus making you feel better about yourself and better able to help out more) you will be a much better help to anyone who needs it during this difficult time.