Insecure...

Ashleyxjamie

I have lost a bunch of weight.. But I still feel super insecure. My belly and arms and sides of my breasts are covered in stretch marks. I have a small belly "pudge".. I need to tone and lose about 13 more pounds...My ex boyfriends made me feel unimportant and I used to have to ask for them to notice me when I would dress up. I used to spend hours dressing up for dates only for my ex to be checking out the waitress during our date.. I have never felt confident and pretty. I am my own worst critic.. Since losing the weight I feel a little better because my love handles are disappearing.. and I grew my hair out after cutting it because my ex made a comment about it "being too long". He also made a fat comment to me when I was cuddling on top of him told me to get off him because I am "big".. I just feel like every other woman looks better than me and I feel like my current boyfriend now is suffering because of my insecurities. I have been cheated on, both online and in person by my ex. he put his hands on me and grabbed me and left bruises... he shoved me, and called me every name in the book.. I just have very low self esteem and I want to shake it..

EDIT: I've done the whole therapy thing.. it helped me somewhat but it still creeps up on me sometimes..

I am posting because I am looking for advice on how to shake this feeling and I hope to gain some good friends on here to help me

Hornsby

Go talk to a professional.

I am one of those people that think everyone can you use a little professional guidance/help every once in a while.

Lalasharni

Go talk to a professional.

I am one of those people that think everyone can you use a little professional guidance/help every once in a while.

I agree with this - you need to get your esteem problems sorted before you can feel good about what you are doing. the fact that you are chosing partners who try to control your self esteem by calling you "big" need sorting - there is a reason and it's not your fault. Go see someone.
good luck with your journey.

Ashleyxjamie

Go talk to a professional.

I am one of those people that think everyone can you use a little professional guidance/help every once in a while.

I agree with this - you need to get your esteem problems sorted before you can feel good about what you are doing. the fact that you are chosing partners who try to control your self esteem by calling you "big" need sorting - there is a reason and it's not your fault. Go see someone.
good luck with your journey.

Forgot to mention that I've done therapy. Some days are harder than others.

kcoftx

Have you ever heard the term, "fake it until you make it?" I think there could be some of this applied here. Look in the mirror everyday and look for anything you like about yourself. It can be as simple as saying you like that your eyebrows are even. Personally, I think your hair is gorgeous! Focus on recognizing your inner qualities too. Do NOT focus on the bad stuff. Work on pushing those thoughts away. Positive self-talk is needed here. I suggest you make an active point to do this DAILY.

Another thing you need to recognize is that women come in all different sizes, shapes and flavors (not meaning to put this crudely but rather to make a point). Women commonly underestimate just how beautiful this truly is. That small pudge on your stomach, for example, is not nearly as big of a deal as you might think. For some people, that marks a womanly curve that is coveted. Different people are attracted to a variety of things. The fact that someone was a cheater, means absolutely nothing as far as whether or not you were beautiful enough to keep their attention. It's on the cheater, not you. There is nothing wrong with having a focus in your fitness goals and wanting a flatter tummy but don't let the pudge knock you down either because truthfully it can be viewed as beautiful too.

You see over and over again though that confidence means more than individual spots on your body or a narrow specific look. Looks are only part of the package and not as lasting of an impact as other parts such as personality, intelligence andt confidence.

Kudos to you for recognizing you need to work on this part--confidence. After all you've been through, it is understandable it has been shaken. For this reason, I back up what others are saying about seeking professional support to help you process all of that.

P.S. I have parts of my body I don't particularly care for but I have learned that it isn't necessarily unbeautiful. (I know that last word is not technically a word but I use it anyway to make a point).

rowanwood

Go talk to a professional.

I am one of those people that think everyone can you use a little professional guidance/help every once in a while.

I agree with this - you need to get your esteem problems sorted before you can feel good about what you are doing. the fact that you are chosing partners who try to control your self esteem by calling you "big" need sorting - there is a reason and it's not your fault. Go see someone.
good luck with your journey.

Forgot to mention that I've done therapy. Some days are harder than others.

Not all therapists are created equal. Clearly they didn't help you resolve this.

I am definitely on the fake it until you fake it bandwagon however and it has been working for me. But you really seem to be hanging on to old pain and maybe some more outside help is in order.

sunglasses_and_ocean_waves

I hope to gain some good friends on here to help me

To help you with what? I'm sorry you feel like crap. You look very nice in your profile pic. But I just don't think people hover around the internet just waiting for someone in need of help. I think you've got to get some strength from within. When you're not needy, you won't attract and settle for ahole guys who treat you like crap.

Find a GOOD therapist this time. Don't expect people to do it for you for free. Your self respect is going to be found in your ability to take care of yourself, not in waiting around from people to help.

Starfish1125

Hi Sweetheart!
First off, congrats on the weight loss! Amazing job!!! Secondly, I don’t think your issue is with having low self esteem. Your issue is with dating jerks. You seem to find yourself attracted to men that you feel you have to “please” and part of your “pleasing” them is to always “look good.”

Well you’re not always going to look good. All women have stretch marks, cellulite and or something about their bodies that they just don’t like. I recently posted something on my facebook page and I love it:

Once a man has seen a couple real-life women naked, he knows that real-life women have cellulite and stretch marks and jiggly thighs and other normal little traits that the media tries to convince us are flaws. Men who expect women to be perfect are men who have more experience with porn and magazines and blow-up dolls than real-life women. Any man who judges your worth on the basis of the presence of cellulite is only doing you the favor of letting you know that he doesn’t have much experience with women, and that he isn’t worth your time. There are plenty of men out there who know what real-life women look like, and who will value you for who you are and not the dimpliness of your thighs. Do yourself the favor of not wasting your time on the former. ~ Go Kaleo (www.gokaleo.com)

Ashleyxjamie

what I mean by help is by helping me stay motivated to lose this last bit of weight and to help overcome the insecurities.

Ashleyxjamie

Hi Sweetheart!
First off, congrats on the weight loss! Amazing job!!! Secondly, I don’t think your issue is with having low self esteem. Your issue is with dating jerks. You seem to find yourself attracted to men that you feel you have to “please” and part of your “pleasing” them is to always “look good.”

Well you’re not always going to look good. All women have stretch marks, cellulite and or something about their bodies that they just don’t like. I recently posted something on my facebook page and I love it:

Once a man has seen a couple real-life women naked, he knows that real-life women have cellulite and stretch marks and jiggly thighs and other normal little traits that the media tries to convince us are flaws. Men who expect women to be perfect are men who have more experience with porn and magazines and blow-up dolls than real-life women. Any man who judges your worth on the basis of the presence of cellulite is only doing you the favor of letting you know that he doesn’t have much experience with women, and that he isn’t worth your time. There are plenty of men out there who know what real-life women look like, and who will value you for who you are and not the dimpliness of your thighs. Do yourself the favor of not wasting your time on the former. ~ Go Kaleo (www.gokaleo.com)

Thank you!!! the guy who cheated was actually a porn addict as well and would choose it over me.

gigglybeth

Most women have stretch marks and/or cellulite at some point. Even men get stretch marks from growth spurts in puberty sometimes.

I know how you are feeling and it feels super crappy to feel like everyone except you has it together, but everyone has their insecurities about something. The trick is not to live in those insecurities or let them overwhelm you. I'm sure you've got pretty eyes or hair or are warm and generous or a wonderful friend/daughter.

But a bunch of people on the internet can't help you. You have to know like you know the back of your hands that these things are in you. If you are a reader, a great book that might help is Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind by Kristin Neff and another great one is Be Happy Without Being Perfect: How to Break Free from the Perfection Deception by Alice D. Domar and Alice Lesch Kelly.

jazzyrose15

I have had the exact same problem as you. My ex wasn't a very nice person, he never said that I looked nice he only ever commented on other girls, ooh she's hot, cawr look at those tits, you get the idea, but never once said that to me. He used to call me fat a lot and told me I needed to lose weight. Before I was with him I was so confident, not to brag but I had a good body, no love handles, no podge, no flobby thighs. Now, I have no confidence what so ever, i've put on a load of weight because he made me so upset and made me doubt myself that I just ate my troubles away. Or so I thiought. I eat when i'm stressed and that's why I'm the way I am now. I hate my body now, and I hate that with my new guy I'm not confident in showing my body to him. It's not fair on him and it's not fair on me. I've only lost a couple of pounds so far but i'm really struggling. I can't find the motivation to get up in the morning and exercise. I want to change the way my body is but I just can't seem to get my *kitten* into gear.

luckydays27

You cant become confident until you believe it. You have to believe that you have value and that you are sexy, beautiful, smart, funny, interesting, etc, etc. Its a mindset. This is something that you have to discover and it cant be shown to you on an internet forum.

But you do need to stay away from jerks who dont appreciate the beauty that you are and what you bring to the table.

I may not be the sexiest of the most beautiful but I rock what I got and feel great doing it. I am a great scuba diver but if you looked at me, you would never think so. I got in my wetsuit this weekend and just let the rolls settle where they want. There is nothing more unflattering than being in a skin tight wetsuit. But I rocked it. I felt great, looked great and dived great,. You wanna know why... Because I believed it. The same way I feel when I am dressed to the nines. The same way I feel when standing next to amazingly gorgeous/fit people. I believe I am the best that I can be at all times and therefore my confidence shines through.

Ashleyxjamie

I have had the exact same problem as you. My ex wasn't a very nice person, he never said that I looked nice he only ever commented on other girls, ooh she's hot, cawr look at those tits, you get the idea, but never once said that to me. He used to call me fat a lot and told me I needed to lose weight. Before I was with him I was so confident, not to brag but I had a good body, no love handles, no podge, no flobby thighs. Now, I have no confidence what so ever, i've put on a load of weight because he made me so upset and made me doubt myself that I just ate my troubles away. Or so I thiought. I eat when i'm stressed and that's why I'm the way I am now. I hate my body now, and I hate that with my new guy I'm not confident in showing my body to him. It's not fair on him and it's not fair on me. I've only lost a couple of pounds so far but i'm really struggling. I can't find the motivation to get up in the morning and exercise. I want to change the way my body is but I just can't seem to get my *kitten* into gear.

It's a horrible feeling isn't it... all he would do is talk about girls and how hot everyone was. he said he would purposely compare me to every girl. Add me if you like

kcoftx

I found a quote today that made me smile a bit because it perfectly fits here:


“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *kitten*.”
― Steven Winterburn

My point is that you were surrounded by an *kitten*. The fact that it affected you to the degree it did, happens. You aren't alone in that respect. It is important to recognize though that you have worth and beauty and the fact that the *kitten* couldn't see it and/or squashed it doesn't diminish either of these points. It's time you take back your own identity and learn to love it. That's likely not to be as simple as a few positive words from any of us, but I thought I would tell you this just the same.

Ashleyxjamie

I found a quote today that made me smile a bit because it perfectly fits here:


“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *kitten*.”
― Steven Winterburn

My point is that you were surrounded by an *kitten*. The fact that it affected you to the degree it did, happens. You aren't alone in that respect. It is important to recognize though that you have worth and beauty and the fact that the *kitten* couldn't see it and/or squashed it doesn't diminish either of these points. It's time you take back your own identity and learn to love it. That's likely not to be as simple as a few positive words from any of us, but I thought I would tell you this just the same.

Thank you!! that quote is very fitting lol

boophil

I found a quote today that made me smile a bit because it perfectly fits here:


“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *kitten*.”
― Steven Winterburn

My point is that you were surrounded by an *kitten*. The fact that it affected you to the degree it did, happens. You aren't alone in that respect. It is important to recognize though that you have worth and beauty and the fact that the *kitten* couldn't see it and/or squashed it doesn't diminish either of these points. It's time you take back your own identity and learn to love it. That's likely not to be as simple as a few positive words from any of us, but I thought I would tell you this just the same.

Love this! I think we have all had bouts of low self-esteem due to other people, ex's, etc. I'm finding my way back from a relationship where my guy loved me for who I am and the size I currently am. It was so refreshing. And then he just dropped off the face of the earth - found out he went back to his ex and never bothered to tell me. I thought I was depressed too, but this quote regarding the *kitten*, fits my situation perfectly!

Loving yourself is hard, but I also strongly believe that you have to be able to truly love yourself before you can truly love someone else and have a healthy relationship. Good luck!