Am i over reacting?

lady_in_weighting

Back in July last year, a mutual friend of both my boyfriends and I, asked him to sleep with her. This was obviously behind my back and I didnt find out about this till december last year. I was really upset and hurt that she would ask such a thing knowing that my boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a half at that point. He tells me he rejected her and I do believe that.

However, the months following her asking to sleep with him in July they both had private text conversations and would sent twitter jokes to each other. When we were out she would be flirtacious with my boyfriend. I knew that she fancied him but I had to brush it off.

When I confronted my boyfriend about her asking to sleep with him he told me he said 'no' to her and that I can trust him. I find it hard to trust him because she wouldnt just ask something like that out of the blue without him encouraging it. They werent even drunk. Im upset that he continued to have all this 'banter' back and forth with her after the advances she made.

He agreed to stop speaking to her after christmas but I rcently found out that she invited him out for drinks now she has slip with her boyfriend and he has added her as a friend on snapchat (for those who dont know what snapchat is, its where you send instant pictures messages back an forth to one another)

I feel he has betrayed my trust by speaking to her again.

What are your thoughts and recommendations about what I should do?

luceegj

Not at all! That all fair! If a friend of mine did that to me I would have gone mental!!!

mcibty

Why didn't he tell you as soon as it'd happened? If a friend came onto me, the very first thing I would do is tell my partner.

My girlfriend is really the most chilled person in the world, so I would think that she'd still let me be friends with that person, providing they knew EXACTLY where the line was, and that they were to not cross it again. Provided it was a very, very good friend to begin with.

Me, on the other hand, I would go ape. I'd feel really hurt that I hadn't been told, especially if my partner had done the right thing and said no. I'd definitely feel a bit foolish if they'd continued a flirty relationship since.

It's a hard one. I hate being the barer of bad news, but I've actually been on both sides of the fence and when I was in your boyfriend's shoes, I knew exactly what I was doing. Be careful hun.

Graham_077

When I was a lot younger and much more immature I was in a similar situation to what your boyfriend seems to be in just now.
I’ve obviously no idea how he handled it but I handled it badly. Slightly different as the friend was a friend of my g/f more than a friend of mines.
Without going into too much detail the first time it happens all three of us we involved. After that her friend kept texting me sending pics etc until finally I gave in.
End result was after a few months it came out what was happening and all ended. Big mistake on my part. Those two are still friend with each other by the way!

The fact they were having private conversation behind your back says a lot I think. Even if nothing physical happens I’d still feel like it was a betrayal of my trust.

I’m always wary when someone says to me “that I can trust them”. When I hear that I think back to the time’s I’ve said that to someone and known I’ve been lying to them.

I’ve no idea what you should do but just be careful and not take what your being told at face value. I know it sounds cynical but it might stop you getting hurt more.

TehLaughingDog

I've been in a situation similar to yours but it did not end on a positive note for me. My attempt at not freaking out, not being controlling, or not going insane over it meant that I was being fooled for two years. In my new relationship we have a strict policy of if I doubt you then we're done. Its opened up a lot of communication between me and my girlfriend while working successfully for three years. Since then I've become a very suspicious and territorial person but that is healthy for me rather than pretending to be blind. If it was me... I would feel like I was being walked on and that they think that they are pulling the wool over my eyes.

Confront your friend about it with fierce confidence (not insane - just intimidate her) and let her know that you're well aware of what happened, that you've been kind in letting your friendship continue, but let her know that the behavior is not to be tolerated and that you are aware. Then turn to your boyfriend and lay down the law - tell him everything you think/feel and that you *believe* (<- key word) that hes trying to pull the wool over your eyes and how you different you want things to be. Stay calm, keep your head high, and look down on the situation. Confidence is your ally, insecurity will push them away. Situations like this will arise in a relationship (not to this level usually) but there are times when you still must compete for your mate, flaunt your feathers, and make the competition look like a joke. And it sounds like your friend is desperate.... though, most people do not flirt if they are not being flirted with so I'm a firm believer that you can only be upset at your boyfriend for not stopping it right at the start (hard I know, but its realistic).

But, again, this is coming from a very territorial and suspicious individual... good luck! Keep us posted!

PhattiPhat

Why is this in motivation and support? And what's with all the bad grammar?

Ashleyxjamie

Back in July last year, a mutual friend of both my boyfriends and I, asked him to sleep with her. This was obviously behind my back and I didnt find out about this till december last year. I was really upset and hurt that she would ask such a thing knowing that my boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a half at that point. He tells me he rejected her and I do believe that.

However, the months following her asking to sleep with him in July they both had private text conversations and would sent twitter jokes to each other. When we were out she would be flirtacious with my boyfriend. I knew that she fancied him but I had to brush it off.

When I confronted my boyfriend about her asking to sleep with him he told me he said 'no' to her and that I can trust him. I find it hard to trust him because she wouldnt just ask something like that out of the blue without him encouraging it. They werent even drunk. Im upset that he continued to have all this 'banter' back and forth with her after the advances she made.

He agreed to stop speaking to her after christmas but I rcently found out that she invited him out for drinks now she has slip with her boyfriend and he has added her as a friend on snapchat (for those who dont know what snapchat is, its where you send instant pictures messages back an forth to one another)

I feel he has betrayed my trust by speaking to her again.

What are your thoughts and recommendations about what I should do?

you are not overreacting at all!!! My ex boyfriend cheated on me both online AND in person. He told me I could trust him and I tried for three years after I found out he was getting pics of girls online and keeping in contact with girls and other things I will not mention. Go with your gut!!! If you have a weird feeling (which you seem to) act accordingly. The best thing I ever did was dump this guy I'm talking about! After we broke up I found out he did sleep with someone else and that I was NOT being paranoid like he would always tell me. the fact that he is keeping contact with this girl means he does not respect you enough to cut her out which is a HUGE deal.Obviously this girl does not respect you either. If they are keeping it a secret, what else is he keeping a secret? You really need to think this through and figure out if you want to be with a guy who doesn't respect you enough to stop talking to a girl who makes you uncomfortable. And if you are uncomfortable now, more than likely other things will progress and make it even worse. The relief of leaving these sneaky guys is really one of the best feelings in the world. I am not telling you that you have to leave him but you should really think about what to do next. You deserve someone who respects you and doesn't betray you!

Ashleyxjamie

Why is this in motivation and support? And what's with all the bad grammar?

why does the grammar matter? you don't have to reply if you don't want to! Let her post what she wants!

rachellosesitall85

I'd tell him the business. It's inappropriate in my opinion that he would keep talking to her after you both discussed that what he was doing wasn't respecting your relationship. Also, what kind of friend makes passes at their friend's boyfriend, mutual or not? I'd say dump that b*tch and either keep a very close eye on your man, or let him go too. I would personally let him go because he encourages her behavior. and doesn't seem like he wants to stop. I think he found it really flattering that she wanted to sleep with him so he keeps her around privately just in case something pops off between you two, or just to inflate his ego.

PhattiPhat

Why is this in motivation and support? And what's with all the bad grammar?

why does the grammar matter? you don't have to reply if you don't want to! Let her post what she wants!

I don't give a carp what she posts, shouldn't this be in a different part of the forum? What does this have to do with fitness?

PlayerHatinDogooder

Just have a threesome and make everyone happy already.

UsedToBeHusky

Why is this in motivation and support? And what's with all the bad grammar?

why does the grammar matter? you don't have to reply if you don't want to! Let her post what she wants!

It was just incredibly difficult to follow.

To the OP: Why did you continue the friendship after learning this? You are not over-reacting where she is concerned. You should dump her as a friend. You might be over-reacting a tad where he is concerned. If he has agreed to stop talking to her, and you end your friendship with her, then everything will be fine, just let it go. However, if you continue to be her friend, then you are asking for trouble. For the most part, I think you can trust him, but definitely not her.

blondageh

Dang. That "Friend" needs to be out of both of your lives for good. That is not cool at all. I understand you don't want to seem controlling or jealous, but I would simply say that was she did is disrespected you and your relationship. Him continuing to speak to her is doing the same thing. It's not about him, it is about her. She is not to be trusted.

meg_mucklebones

like sands through the hour glass

ChefTJP

Sorry dear but he sounds like a total jerk. A beautiful girl like you will have no problem finding someone else. That said, I know what it feels like to like/love someone and not have it recipricated anymore. Do what makes you feel best. Its easy for people to make comments that are not in your shoes.

lady_in_weighting

Thank you for all your responses. It has helped me greatly. Consensus seems like everyone is saying its out of order!

Im going to speak to him this weekend about ti hopefully and put the record straight!

Lyerin

Your "friend" is a jerk and so is your boyfriend.

MyJourney1960

Your "friend" is a jerk and so is your boyfriend.

yup.

you need to cut her out of your life. and i would have a hard time trusting my boyfriend if he acted this way.

CherylP67

Let them have each other, neither one of them deserves you.

They are having an emotional affair, and who knows how long until it becomes physical. He is disrespecting you by carrying on with her the way he is.

soldier4242

Back in July last year, a mutual friend of both my boyfriends and I, asked him to sleep with her. This was obviously behind my back and I didnt find out about this till december last year. I was really upset and hurt that she would ask such a thing knowing that my boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a half at that point. He tells me he rejected her and I do believe that.

However, the months following her asking to sleep with him in July they both had private text conversations and would sent twitter jokes to each other. When we were out she would be flirtacious with my boyfriend. I knew that she fancied him but I had to brush it off.

When I confronted my boyfriend about her asking to sleep with him he told me he said 'no' to her and that I can trust him. I find it hard to trust him because she wouldnt just ask something like that out of the blue without him encouraging it. They werent even drunk. Im upset that he continued to have all this 'banter' back and forth with her after the advances she made.

He agreed to stop speaking to her after christmas but I rcently found out that she invited him out for drinks now she has slip with her boyfriend and he has added her as a friend on snapchat (for those who dont know what snapchat is, its where you send instant pictures messages back an forth to one another)

I feel he has betrayed my trust by speaking to her again.

What are your thoughts and recommendations about what I should do?

Perhaps you are just doing a bad job of telling your story but the way that you told it gives me some pause. It sounds to me like someone hit on your boyfriend and he rejected the advance which is customary for a monogamous relationship. Then even though you claimed to believe him in your first paragraph you kept being suspicious of him. It sounds to me like he has proven that you can trust him. If he is the type of guy to turn down the sexual advances of other women then it doesn't matter who he is talking to.

If that is an accurate assessment then I would say your suspicion of his behavior was not justified because his loyalty was tested and he passed the test.

I completely disagree with your assertion that " she wouldnt just ask something like that out of the blue without him encouraging it."
If that were true then anyone ever hitting on him could be cited as evidence that he is hitting on other women. You are not correct about this part for certain. Both men and women will hit on other people without any encouragement whatsoever and sometimes even in the face of discouragement.

It sounds to me like you are exhibiting some unwarranted jealousy here and that can kill a relationship just as much as cheating can.

soldier4242

Why is this in motivation and support? And what's with all the bad grammar?

why does the grammar matter? you don't have to reply if you don't want to! Let her post what she wants!

I don't give a carp what she posts, shouldn't this be in a different part of the forum? What does this have to do with fitness?

This is the motivation and support forums. People should be free to ask for help with any aspect of their lives that they are wanting support with and that they feel comfortable posting. If she had posted this in Health and Fitness or Success stories I would agree with you but the OP put this exactly where it should be. She put it in motivation and support.

Relationship trouble can cause people lose their motivation and that can have an effect on their desire to stick with a healthy life style. It is possible that you don't want to help people with problems like this. Fortunately you are not obligated to reply at all. I for one see nothing wrong with someone asking for support in any aspect of their lives so I simply read what they post and given an honest assessment. Then they can evaluate my reply and so on. I think your grievance is unjustified.