Should I just give up? Tired of this vicious circle...

Jamaelsh

I'm feeling so unmotivated and miserable. I've been trying to lose the same 20 pounds for 8 years.

I'm not overweight - just sort of average - 137lbs at 5"6. I'm trying to lose vanity pounds, yes, but I'm not ashamed to admit it. I wish I could just 'stop' wanting to lose weight, and I have tried very hard - but it never works. I always end up admitting that I'm in denial and that yes, I do want to lose weight. It's something that I've come to accept to be honest - I'm never going to be content with the body I'm in. A year ago I (somehow?) managed to get down to 125 and I was so, so happy. Fast forward one holiday followed shortly by christmas and Id regained every pound.

I struggle with binge eating and 'moderation.' I'm not one of these people that can 'just have a few' sweets. Once I have one, I lose control. I've tried to fix this (therapy etc) but it never lasts - I'm much better if I abstain. I enjoy having 'control' and that's what I've always enjoyed about calorie counting. When I count, I feel like I'm in control. I feel super happy. However, this backfires when I go over my limit, or eat something that I don't know the calorific value of. The happiness turns to feelings of failure - I become miserable. Many a wasted evening have been spent dwelling on yet another 'failed' day.

I don't know what I'm trying to get at... I guess I just don't know if I should be coming at this from a different angle. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Jamaelsh

Just a separate note before anyone recommends if... I've tried intuitive eating - I gained a tonne of weight. It makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it as a way of eating, really. If I eat 'intuitively,' I eat 80% junk.

Liftng4Lis

Stop dieting and make a life change.

melly0405

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to lose a few vanity pounds but maybe your body is meant to be at your current weight. I am addicted to sugar and I too have to abstain as I can not have one cookie as one leads to me eating the entire tray! I say keep counting your calories but take it one day at a time so if you exceed your caloric goal today let it go, feeling bad about it doesn't solve anything tomorrow is a new day and a new chance. Life is about balance. Good luck with your journey and try not to be so hard on yourself.

Sued0nim

137 at 5'6

Yes stop dieting for vanity if it's making you miserable

Start lifting weights ..body recomposition through progressive compound lifts ..that's how to hit vanity targets

stif9

You are stuck inside your head.
Search how to meditate and join a gym and start lifting.
Remember you are much more than your *kitten* thoughts, dont live a miserable life.

Mr_Knight

You're close enough to your goals that meaningful amounts of exercise will almost certainly need to play a role in achieving your desires. Perhaps its time to stop thinking about weight, and start thinking about fitness. Throw in a small calorie deficit and you'll be golden.

loulamb7

rabbitjb wrote: »

137 at 5'6

Yes stop dieting for vanity if it's making you miserable

Start lifting weights ..body recomposition through progressive compound lifts ..that's how to hit vanity targets

Winner, winner^^^^This 100%

CoffeeNBooze

I can relate. My stats are very similar, too. Have you tried getting into a healthier routine? Like preparing your meals with balanced macros for the next few days. That gives you control. And set times to go to the gym certain days per week. Do exercises you enjoy and try new things too. Send me a message if you want to chat more!

Jamaelsh

melly0405 wrote: »

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to lose a few vanity pounds but maybe your body is meant to be at your current weight. I am addicted to sugar and I too have to abstain as I can not have one cookie as one leads to me eating the entire tray! I say keep counting your calories but take it one day at a time so if you exceed your caloric goal today let it go, feeling bad about it doesn't solve anything tomorrow is a new day and a new chance. Life is about balance. Good luck with your journey and try not to be so hard on yourself.

I just can't ever seem to let it go. I try and look past it but inside I'm just miserable! I hate how much it effects me but I'd be lying if I said it didn't. I'd just like to get to a point where I'm not feeling like I've failed all the time - that would save me all the misery! I'm worried that by continuing to count calories I continue to set myself up for failure. On the other hand, I worry that If I don't count, I'll gain.

aubreyjordan

I'm 5'6" and would love to see 137 on the scale. I think 117 would be too low for my height, but you may have a naturally thinner frame than I do. As another poster said, try weights for body recomposition. If being your current weight makes you miserable, then I don't think you should give up. If you know you can't stop at just 1, then don't have the 1. You sound like you're able to abstain fairly well. But completely denying yourself of treats that you love will backfire. The most important thing though is to have a positive attitude. You did it before, you can do it again!

Amanda4change

In my humble opinion you should stop what you're doing. Instead of trying to lose the weight I would focus on building fitness and body recomp. Yes still count calories, but at or slightly below maintaince, toss in some cardio and a lifting program.

Jamaelsh

rabbitjb wrote: »

137 at 5'6

Yes stop dieting for vanity if it's making you miserable

Start lifting weights ..body recomposition through progressive compound lifts ..that's how to hit vanity targets

I'm trying to get into strength training... It's just, I'm not really interesting in building a muscular figure. Slim and toned is the aim! I'm afraid that if I don't lose the fat before toning, I'll just look the same - just more muscly! And I already have a lot of natural muscle as it is. Can strength training really 'slim' the body without a definitive calorie deficit? I'm skeptical.

Amanda4change

If you are at maintaince or a deficit you won't gain bulk, it's not possible. Gaining bulk takes a calorie surplus and a hell of a lot of work

MickeyCastello

I would suggest that you stop beating yourself up, and stop getting completely derailed when you have a bad day. They happen... even in maintenance. Write the day off, and get back on the wagon the next day. When you get up in the morning, tell yourself "I'm gonna follow my plan just today." Yesterday and tomorrow don't exist in this conversation. Then do it again and again. Each "today" will turn into a week, then a month and then a year. And you know what will happen then. Good luck.

Athos282

Jademarielizabeth wrote: »

rabbitjb wrote: »

137 at 5'6

Yes stop dieting for vanity if it's making you miserable

Start lifting weights ..body recomposition through progressive compound lifts ..that's how to hit vanity targets

I'm trying to get into strength training... It's just, I'm not really interesting in building a muscular figure. Slim and toned is the aim! I'm afraid that if I don't lose the fat before toning, I'll just look the same - just more muscly! And I already have a lot of natural muscle as it is. Can strength training really 'slim' the body without a definitive calorie deficit? I'm skeptical.

Slim and toned = muscular. You're not going to turn into Mrs. Hulk, but lifting in order to build muscle and reduce fat will give you the look you want.

Jamaelsh

Mr_Knight wrote: »

You're close enough to your goals that meaningful amounts of exercise will almost certainly need to play a role in achieving your desires. Perhaps its time to stop thinking about weight, and start thinking about fitness. Throw in a small calorie deficit and you'll be golden.

This sounds promising... It's just I've always thought that since I'm already at an average rate, I'd need a much lower calorie deficit to lose any weight.

azulvioleta6

You were never very in control if you are tracking your calories AFTER you consumed them.

It's strange to me that you don't mention exercise or fitness at all. Do you work out?

Muppyooh

This is not about your weight. Or your body. Those are symptoms of the underlying problem. Those are the way the real problem manifests itself. Dig deeper. See a professional and get to the root of the "failure" and "not good enough" feelings.
Yes, I'm a therapist. Lol.
Good luck!!!!

Sharon_C

I lost 30 pounds, could afford to lose another 20 but I'm over the weight loss thing. Instead I lift weights and while the scale hasn't budged, my body looks completely different. Maybe what you need to do is stop thinking you need to lose weight and lift instead. As somebody else said, body recomp through compound lifts.

Jamaelsh

TiaBia9 wrote: »

I can relate. My stats are very similar, too. Have you tried getting into a healthier routine? Like preparing your meals with balanced macros for the next few days. That gives you control. And set times to go to the gym certain days per week. Do exercises you enjoy and try new things too. Send me a message if you want to chat more!

This is going to sound really, really ridiculous - but I've never really enjoyed the 'meal prep' lifestyle. A lot of body builder style diets are composed of preparing a few days worth of meals in little Tupperware containers... I guess I just don't want to become too OCD about it all if that makes any sense? I do like the idea if trying to get into a healthier lifestyle... It's just how to not feel like a failure when I eat something that isn't so healthy. It's funny. 'Planned' treats are always fine - I feel comfortable eating treats/sweets etc when I'm expecting them. It's when I eat them unplanned that everything goes to crap! Thanks for the advice, I'll message you!

trailrunner81

denise123177 wrote: »

This is not about your weight. Or your body. Those are symptoms of the underlying problem. Those are the way the real problem manifests itself. Dig deeper. See a professional and get to the root of the "failure" and "not good enough" feelings.
Yes, I'm a therapist. Lol.
Good luck!!!!

^^^^This! Your problem is not your weight, but your self image and sense of self worth. If you never take these issues head on, you will never be happy in your own skin. Best of luck.

hortensehildegarde

It sounds an awful lot to me like your issue have a lot more to do with a mental battle you are playing with yourself than anything else.

Since you are sick of this horrible cycle that is making you miserable why not just try the strength training and see how you like the results you get?

It's not like you are going to change your body composition overnight. It surely won't hurt you.

Personally I think you should try to figure out why you seem insistent on making yourself miserable. Are you scared of being happy or self acceptance? You can want to change your body shape and still not be miserable when you don't.

Life's too damn short to be so miserable.

r5d5

I'm struggling with similar thoughts. However, quitting is definitely not an option for me, and it sounds like that's not really in your plans either! I too feel better when I count calories, so I don't think stopping that will solve your problem. I agree with what others said above: weight lifting will give you new goals and new achievements to look forward to. It will remind you how amazing your body is, how much you're capable of, what you can do when you set your mind to it! Plus, seeing lifting gains, like more definition or increasing the weights, will definitely be rewarding! It's not all about the number on the scale. That's what I'm trying to remind myself
Hope you find a way to build a better mind set and get to a place where you're happy with yourself!

SergeantSausage

yesimpson

If you lose 20 pounds, it puts you at a BMI of 18.8 which is on the low side. I agree perhaps you are wanting to force your body to a point that is hard to sustain.

I'm the same height as you, and I've been between 105 and 145lbs, and I can honestly say I was unhappiest, both as a person and with my body, at 105. I made myself miserable by worrying about what I ate, I avoided going out with friends if it involved food or alcohol, and at the same time I felt weak and flabby despite the fact you could see my ribs and hipbones through tight dresses.

I maintained 115lbs for a while but since I started eating a little more and made an effort to include resistance training, I'm the happiest I've ever been with my body and I'm at 122lbs. My stomach is flat, I still have a nice curvy shape and I've made my pancake butt rounder. I have lots of energy, I enjoy socialising more, I feel confident, and I don't beat myself up about a burger or beer. I certainly don't look 'muscular'.

I don't know what the therapy you've had entailed, but it sounds like you see food as something to battle with, that has the power to defeat you and makes you feel inferior. I kind of think that thinking has to change before you can be successful in feeling better about yourself. How about approaching it more positively, by planning healthy meals that you enjoy, that look attractive, and focusing on how it will benefit your body? It seems at the moment that you're setting yourself up for failure.

Jamaelsh

azulvioleta6 wrote: »

You were never very in control if you are tracking your calories AFTER you consumed them.

It's strange to me that you don't mention exercise or fitness at all. Do you work out?

I've been running 3-4 miles 3-4 times a week for the last year or so. Before that I was at the gym doing HIIT - I've just rejoined. I LOVE exercise but I'm not very strong - I can't do one proper sit-up and lunges just about kill me! I don't understand what you mean about the calories though - doesn't everybody 'track as they go'? xxx

CoffeeNBooze

Jademarielizabeth wrote: »

TiaBia9 wrote: »

I can relate. My stats are very similar, too. Have you tried getting into a healthier routine? Like preparing your meals with balanced macros for the next few days. That gives you control. And set times to go to the gym certain days per week. Do exercises you enjoy and try new things too. Send me a message if you want to chat more!

This is going to sound really, really ridiculous - but I've never really enjoyed the 'meal prep' lifestyle. A lot of body builder style diets are composed of preparing a few days worth of meals in little Tupperware containers... I guess I just don't want to become too OCD about it all if that makes any sense? I do like the idea if trying to get into a healthier lifestyle... It's just how to not feel like a failure when I eat something that isn't so healthy. It's funny. 'Planned' treats are always fine - I feel comfortable eating treats/sweets etc when I'm expecting them. It's when I eat them unplanned that everything goes to crap! Thanks for the advice, I'll message you!

Yeah, I understand that...I wasn't into it either for the same reasons. But it's been really helping me a lot! I love knowing what I'm going to eat. And it sounds like you might too since you already like the idea of planned treats. You are not a failure; you keep trying just like the rest of us do. I stick to the plan the majority of the time but there are definitely days I don't. And it's really OK, that's life.

Jamaelsh

aubreyjordan wrote: »

I'm 5'6" and would love to see 137 on the scale. I think 117 would be too low for my height, but you may have a naturally thinner frame than I do. As another poster said, try weights for body recomposition. If being your current weight makes you miserable, then I don't think you should give up. If you know you can't stop at just 1, then don't have the 1. You sound like you're able to abstain fairly well. But completely denying yourself of treats that you love will backfire. The most important thing though is to have a positive attitude. You did it before, you can do it again!

I know I'm already at what some would consider a good weight - I'm certainly not a large person - I just feel like I'm covered in a layer of blubber that would be much better off not there! Good point about the treats... Maybe I should just make a personal rule not to have any treats unless I've planned them in advance? Thanks for your advice!

MelodyandBarbells

azulvioleta6 wrote: »

You were never very in control if you are tracking your calories AFTER you consumed them.

It's strange to me that you don't mention exercise or fitness at all. Do you work out?

Actually tracking calories before or after eating them is just a preference and one way or the other is not required for weight loss

Jamaelsh

aribeiro659 wrote: »

If you are at maintaince or a deficit you won't gain bulk, it's not possible. Gaining bulk takes a calorie surplus and a hell of a lot of work

Very good point... Guess I'm just skeptical that lifting will give me the look I want. A whole lot of people are suggesting it though so I'm going to take it on board... Thanks for the advice!