Why do I need friends?

Ramberta

Warning: This is a whiny post, read at your discretion.

So lately, I feel like I need new friends. Not my acquaintances, not my co-workers... I mean the people I thought were my real, close friends. The kind of friends you'd do anything for, the kind of friends you hope will always be there for you. The people you want to be around often, and who want to be around you.

For months now-- almost a year, in fact-- I'll invite my friends to hang out over and over (not every day, mind you, but once or twice a week usually), and get rejected over and over. I pick them up to bring them to my place, often letting them spend the night, I feed them whenever they're over, I try to show them just how much they mean to me... and yet, it seems like they desire my company less and less. Their invites come fewer and farther apart, amid many excuses about being too busy / stressed / etc. They tell me that they want to hang out more, they tell me they value me as a friend... and yet, nothing ever really changes.

And what bothers me is how much it BOTHERS me. Why do I need social interaction with friends to feel happy? Why do I need to be in the presence of others, even if all we're doing is watching stupid YouTube videos together or playing a children's board game?

And lastly, why is it so difficult to establish strong friendships? These friends of mine are the remnants of my high school group, and we only remained in contact because we decided to live together for a few years. But I've literally had more success in recent months meeting people through Craigslist of all places, than simply being able to keep in touch with my so-called "friends". Why is that, I wonder...?

Edit: This post is quite whiny, but I'd like to point out that I am generally content with my life and do not find my friends to be the sole reason for happiness. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a loving family, and a job that I do not hate. I find ways to occupy my time and ways to make myself happy on a daily basis. However, it's been ages since I've been able to say I have plans with friends on a Saturday night... which is, in itself, pretty depressing!

TL;DR I suppose the reason why I posted this in the first place is because I'm curious as to what other activities can fulfill the psychological 'need' of social interaction with close friends, if there are any. Because I'm getting pretty fed up.

craigmandu

Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?

Timshel_

You sound like you put waaaay too much expectations on your friends and drive them off.


And I mean that in the best possible way.

Ramberta

Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?

That's a fair point, but I have known these people for years, and when I moved out of state for a few months they kept telling me how sad they were that I moved and how much they missed me. That was a year ago, but I didn't think that the fondness would disappear so suddenly.

They have also told me they want me to initiate the contact because they would forget otherwise, but it seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me.

Ramberta

You sound like you put waaaay too much expectations on your friends and drive them off.


And I mean that in the best possible way.

I'm not trying to be rude at all when I ask this, but how is wanting to hang out once or twice a week putting "waaaaay too much expectations" on someone? It's not like I expect them to be available at any time of any day, but is it really too much to ask to be able to get together weekly, when you've been friends with someone for nearly ten years? And it's not like I'm expecting them to be available EVERY week.

CupcakesAndRazorblades

You don't sound whiney to me Maybe you just need to find new friends. People change over the years and maybe you've just grown in a different direction than your old friends. Some new people who enjoy the things that you like to do may be just what you need

Buddhasmiracle

You stated that these friends are from high school. Maybe everyone is growing in different directions, or getting together feels forced or obligated rather than meaningful, even if it is unspoken. It sounds like you take the initiative with organizing bringing everyone together; and sometimes friends are more than willing to "go along" when someone else is doing the "work."

Ramberta

You don't sound whiney to me Maybe you just need to find new friends. People change over the years and maybe you've just grown in a different direction than your old friends. Some new people who enjoy the things that you like to do may be just what you need

Yeah, problem is, it's hard to meet people! I'm befriending my co-workers, but it's just not the same yet. I guess the reason I keep seeking out my old friends is that I don't feel the same level of comfort with my college friends, co-workers, or anyone else I've become friends with in recent years. And I mentioned it in the edit, but I'm almost just wondering if there's a "substitute" for best friends that I could do that would trigger the same brain chemical output so that I would feel satisfied

craigmandu

Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?

That's a fair point, but I have known these people for years, and when I moved out of state for a few months they kept telling me how sad they were that I moved and how much they missed me. That was a year ago, but I didn't think that the fondness would disappear so suddenly.

They have also told me they want me to initiate the contact because they would forget otherwise, but it seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me.

Relationships change....people start focusing on their own lives. Just because you "want" it to be the way it "was", doesn't mean it needs to be or should be that way. I would personally give them their space. You will know if some of them start to "miss" you, because they will contact you to find out "why"....

I think you are trying to hang on to a group of people that have their own priorities...it is okay to find new friends, and it is okay to forge new relationships.

Ramberta

You stated that these friends are from high school. Maybe everyone is growing in different directions, or getting together feels forced or obligated rather than meaningful, even if it is unspoken. It sounds like you take the initiative with organizing bringing everyone together; and sometimes friends are more than willing to "go along" when someone else is doing the "work."

That's definitely true, and I've already "given up" several friends due to lack of initiative on their part and never wanting to be part of the group's activities, or even just wanting to hang out one on one. But a part of me feels guilty about that even today, like if I'd simply tried harder to reach out to them then maybe we would still be friends. And then the rest of me feels disgusted that I really need the validation of the friendship that much!! Lol.

Ramberta

Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?

That's a fair point, but I have known these people for years, and when I moved out of state for a few months they kept telling me how sad they were that I moved and how much they missed me. That was a year ago, but I didn't think that the fondness would disappear so suddenly.

They have also told me they want me to initiate the contact because they would forget otherwise, but it seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me.

Relationships change....people start focusing on their own lives. Just because you "want" it to be the way it "was", doesn't mean it needs to be or should be that way. I would personally give them their space. You will know if some of them start to "miss" you, because they will contact you to find out "why"....

I think you are trying to hang on to a group of people that have their own priorities...it is okay to find new friends, and it is okay to forge new relationships.

But the funny thing is, I used to avoid my friends altogether. For a long time, while we lived together, it was them practically dragging me kicking and screaming out of my room to go out with them. And the root of the post (which I didn't communicate well) is me trying to understand WHY it is that people need close friendships in the first place. If we kept people at arms' length, besides our families and SO's, life would be so much simpler.

zyxst

I have the internet. I don't need friends.

Ramberta

I have the internet. I don't need friends.

See, I used to be like that. Literally. Even my relationship was only online. I miss those days sometimes...

Buddhasmiracle

Sounds to me like you want to be "friends" more than those you consider to be "friends" do. You always initiate the contact? Why not stop doing that?

That's a fair point, but I have known these people for years, and when I moved out of state for a few months they kept telling me how sad they were that I moved and how much they missed me. That was a year ago, but I didn't think that the fondness would disappear so suddenly.

They have also told me they want me to initiate the contact because they would forget otherwise, but it seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me.

Relationships change....people start focusing on their own lives. Just because you "want" it to be the way it "was", doesn't mean it needs to be or should be that way. I would personally give them their space. You will know if some of them start to "miss" you, because they will contact you to find out "why"....

I think you are trying to hang on to a group of people that have their own priorities...it is okay to find new friends, and it is okay to forge new relationships.

But the funny thing is, I used to avoid my friends altogether. For a long time, while we lived together, it was them practically dragging me kicking and screaming out of my room to go out with them. And the root of the post (which I didn't communicate well) is me trying to understand WHY it is that people need close friendships in the first place. If we kept people at arms' length, besides our families and SO's, life would be so much simpler.

Humans are social animals , and have varying degrees of desire for friendships outside of their blood tribe. Some people more, some people less. yeah, i suppose our lives would be simpler (in my case keeping family members at arms length :ohwell: ) with friends at arms length, but you grow and learn from one another.

FlaxMilk

You already know why you need friends. You've posted about frustrations with your SO before. We need more than one other person usually because no one person can fulfill all needs all the time. You can't depend on anyone to take care of your needs on demand, so it helps to have a few options. Even with lots of people, at times, you'll have to depend on yourself, but that gets old all the time.

I had some of the best friends in high school. I'm only in regular contact with one of them. We've all changed our social circles, geographic locations, interests. It is too much to expect to get together weekly, in my opinion, especially as you get older and older. One dear friend I see once every few months. I wish I saw her more, but her life doesn't allow it. The only person I see every week is the person I live with.

If your old friends aren't hanging on to you, don't cling to them. Keep doing what you're doing, opening up your experiences with new people.

Tiff050709

I don't have friends. I wish I had at least 1-2 good friends. After high school I lost contact with pretty much everyone and I caught up with many on facebook but people change and grow apart. I try to make new friends but I am pretty socially awkward so other than hanging out once or twice that's it. I don't know how to have friends, lol.

Ramberta

You already know why you need friends. You've posted about frustrations with your SO before. We need more than one other person usually because no one person can fulfill all needs all the time. You can't depend on anyone to take care of your needs on demand, so it helps to have a few options. Even with lots of people, at times, you'll have to depend on yourself, but that gets old all the time.

I had some of the best friends in high school. I'm only in regular contact with one of them. We've all changed our social circles, geographic locations, interests. It is too much to expect to get together weekly, in my opinion, especially as you get older and older. One dear friend I see once every few months. I wish I saw her more, but her life doesn't allow it. The only person I see every week is the person I live with.

If your old friends aren't hanging on to you, don't cling to them. Keep doing what you're doing, opening up your experiences with new people.

Is it too much to expect when they literally live 15 minutes away from me?

I see the points you're making though, they're good ones. It's just frustrating when they seem to have time lately for everyone BUT me. And if the case is that they don't like me any more, I wish they would simply be honest about it rather than lying to my face. But I suppose that in and of itself is too much to expect from some!

juliekin

Is there the possibility that something has changed? Where you live? Roommates they don't like? Perhaps they don't like your boyfriend but don't want to tell you this?Do you always talk about the same thing? Do you always talk about dieting?
Making and keeping friends is a process and takes time.
Give it time. Do you always have your boyfriend with you when you see them? Do they have their significant other? Maybe one on one time may be appropriate. Just saying you might want to consider other factors.
I don't mean anything in a bad way. Breathe. Sometimes space is the best thing for friendships.

LostInHollyw00d

I'll be your friend.

I'm lacking in that department lately.. Ever since I started seeing progress and success in myself with weight loss, it seemed that I started losing relationships along with pounds.

I don't understand it, honestly. I don't boast about my weight loss. Yeah, I will post about me being proud of myself, but I do that maybe once a month..

Who knows.

I hope you figure something out. It sucks to lose close friends, but sometimes that's just how life goes.

mustang289

Maybe try to pursue an interest that you can share with a group of friends, and then have other friends you share other interests in.

Try going to the Kendall County Fairgrounds on June 30. There's a classic car show called Gears and Ears (the cars are the Gears and roasted corn is the Ears). Maybe take a friend or meet some new friends. Enjoy some roasted corn on the cob fresh off the grill. If the weather is nice it sure is a nice place to just hang out and people watch.

whierd

I'm an introvert. MFP forums is all I need for social interaction.