I am in a nightmare I created

bella60kg

I don't know how to write this because I feel so ashamed. I previously lost 60 kg from 2010 from 2012 going from 116 to 56 kg and was the smallest and happiest I have ever been. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would gain it back because I was so in control. In 2013 I started going downhill Mentally after losing a loved one and turning to alcohol and food again and anti depressants. Now it's the beginning of 2015 and I have gained all of the weight back plus more, and I am faced with having to start all over again. I have never been this big in my life. I weigh 126 kg. I have gained 66 kg in 2 years. I can't even leave my house because I am so embarrassed . This is my worst nightmare come true. I don't know how I let this happen. I need to get this wight off again but I feel as though I have done too much damage and nothing I do will change the way I feel about myself. I feel like a monster. I am in a long distance relationship and feel I have no choice but to end it because I feel so unworthy of my partner. I am losing everything because of this and yet everyday I turn to food for comfort and the hole I am in gets deeper. I need help but I don't know where to start. This might sound like a cry for help, and maybe that is off putting to a lot of people, but I am at Rock bottom and this is literally that.

dragyou

Keep in mind we have all been there in some way or another.. The human body is resilient, you will bounce back. Go back to your roots when you initially lost all that weight.. You already have a blue print. Take your time! You will get back to where u was!

livinfluffy

First, Find a good therapist that you can talk to about you grief and self esteem. ( I used to see clients for these issues often before I became a stay at home mom). Second start writing down everything you eat and what you are thinking or feeling when eating. Once you have your emotional issues being addressed you can start on other things, but I really think that professional support is an important first step. Good Luck, you ARE worth it, sometimes it is just hard to see that when your emotions are clouding your thoughts.

wizzybeth

Ok. Deep breaths.

You start one step at a time. Do you want to lose the weight? You need to refocus the energy you spend on grief and self pity /self loathing and focus on being healthy.

You may need to seek professional help with the depression. There is no shame in that.

Then...you start losing weight the same way you did last time. Eat less. It truly is that simple. Log your food faithfully and accurately.

But you have to be in a place where you are 100% motivated and not so fragile that a small setback will crush you....again...you might want want to consider counseling for that depression...grief therapy perhaps?

tekkiechikk

Bella, I sympathize with you and understand... I did the same thing (lost a lot of weight) and can't believe I gained it all back. It's really easy to sink into depression and turn to food because you think it loves you and won't judge you. But food isn't supposed to be a friend- it's just FUEL for our bodies. We were meant to turn to people for help and comfort, not a plate of brownies. But turning off the desire to eat is the really hard part, isn't it?

Stick around the forums if you don't have friends that will support you and use them for help and motivation. Losing weight does not get any easier the older we get, either, so every day you manage to stick to your weight loss plan is a battle won. Take it one moment at a time and don't ever give up.

icatcher26

Life if GOOD..Breathe....weight gain is not the end of the world. You have LIFE so you have an opportunity to start over

bella60kg

Thanks to everyone who replied. Yes, I really want to lose the weight badly, and I want to be able to be with my boyfriend without being ashamed (he is wanting to move together soon but I keep putting it off because of my weight, even though he says he doesn't care I can't help but not believe that, when I met him I was half this size ). I just went off anti depressants to try and help this because my metabolism slowed a lot on them. I have also quit alcohol. I am thinking of seeing a therapist but right now I can barely face the idea of leaving the house let alone going to the doctor: what if someone I know sees me and sees how much weight I gained back? I can just imagine their smug faces

Eating for comfort is definitely something I have to overcome.

Thanks for being so kind
If anyone would like to be my friend on here I would love motivational friends.

obscuremusicreference

Did you go off your meds with the support of your therapist? You sound like you're still in a bad place, emotionally.

Please believe your partner when he says he loves you for you. And please discuss a medication change with your therapist. You don't have to feel this way.

bella60kg

No I came off them gradually without a therapist. I'm fine off them now, though. I have been off them for a few weeks now. I know it's not recommended to do that but I felt I didn't have much choice at the moment. I am being careful monitoring my mood ect. I'm starting to feel more positive.

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to believe in the good things.