Guys, I Need Some Advice

DuneSeaNomad

A touchy something and something I wrestled with myself to see if I even wanted to post, but here goes...

My fiance and I are having some major problems with intimacy. I moved to across country to be with her last March, and seems like everything before March, we had no issues in that department. I move here and almost overnight gain 50 pounds because we ate out just about every meal. Every time I have tried to regain my discipline, it has failed. Doing so/so right now, but still not gathering any self confidence.

That 50 pounds has shattered my already thin positive image of myself, which has me hating just about everything about myself (image, lack of control around food, etc.). I fell of the wagon a while through the holidays, and have strung together a nice little streak since early January. Problem is, my want to be intimate is still being dominated by my hateful self image, and she is suffering. She is believing I don't find her attractive, that I do not want or desire her, which couldn't be further from the truth, but now it comes across that way. Bottom line, I need help. I would love any advice from guys, or ladies, that know where I am coming from, and more importantly, what worked to bring to mojo back.

I am NOT making up excuses, and hope this doesn't come across that way. I know what the problem is, and is all on me. And she is the one suffering, which kills me. I don't know how to fix me. Thanks for listening.

FinFoxPT

I'd love to give you some advice but as this is so personal I'd prefer to do it via PM out of respect. Feel free to drop me a message.

SueInAz

Honestly, the best advice I can give is to sit down with her and tell her just what you've posted here. Let her know the problem lies you with you, that you still love her and find her attractive, etc. and what you believe you need to do to fix it. Hopefully, she'll support your efforts to lose the pounds you've gained and the openness you'd be fostering would make your relationship even better. If you don't feel like you can discuss these things with her openly then there may be more wrong with the relationship than the intimacy issue.

TavistockToad

have you told her how you feel?

beemerphile1

I highly doubt that the fifty pounds has anything to do with the relationship issue.

Put her first in every way. For a relationship to work well, each person needs to put the other first. If you concentrate on making her happy and meeting her needs, your self-hating will take a back seat.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and finding excuses. Take positive steps toward determining what she needs and then work hard at meeting those needs. Treat her like a queen and she will make you her king.

Problems in the bedroom usually start in the living room. Intimacy issues in your case are simply a thermometer reading of other issues.

You might want to watch the movie "Fireproof".

Good luck.

tulips_and_tea

Also, making such a huge move is a difficult transition for both of you. It always sounds great to be together 24/7, but sometimes she or you need a little more space. I'm not saying it's a bad thing - just something to keep in mind.

And, has she always eaten out? How has her health been affected? Learning to cook at home, together, is a great thing to do, not only for your physical health but for the health of your relationship and your finances.

Lounmoun

Since you had problems with how you felt about yourself before gaining weight I'm going to leap right to telling you to consider therapy. This isn't about 50 pounds but your ongoing mental clutter. You should be honest with her and get to work on changing how you think of yourself. You are wrong that she is the one who is suffering the most here.

You could start with making a list of 10 or so things about yourself that you like. Anything you like about yourself. Don't ask other people what they like about you. I did this when I was hating myself and it was hard to come up with 10 things but really started helping me to heal.

Please remember that your value as a person is not your weight or appearance.