Why did i eat so much crap yesterday? Knowing how i would feel?

Losingthedamnweight

Why, Marcus? Why did you eat so much crap knowing you would feel horrible for doing it? You weren't even hungry! You ate your calories and you were absolutely fine. And then you talked to an incompetent tax lady who didn't know her behind from a hole in the ground, someone backed into your expensive car and left a dent you couldn't afford to fix ($1500 to fix) your account was overdrafed by $500 by your bank's error of double charging some stupid crap you already paid for and the bank is making too much of a fuss over fixing an error THEY made. Work is stressful. I have residents who think i am just a slave talk down to me and hit and spit on me and a boss who thinks i'm easily replaceable despite my enormous amount of patience when dealing with the disabled and how good i am at my job. I have a girlfriend who i don't even know how to connect with romantically anymore and a family who i don't know how to communicate with anymore.

It seems like i never have any fun anymore and i'm constantly putting out one fire after another and managing stress from every angle. I try to be a good person and then i see people who are conniving liars get farther in life than me.

But i've held onto this idea that if i lost a bunch of weight i would feel alot better. And i do feel better. Every single time i stick to it i feel like this is the one good thing i am doing that i have absolute control over and above all, i'm bettering myself! When i lose it i feel like i look damn good and my looks are one less thing to worry about because hey, i might be stressed out from everything else but at least if i was thin i wouldn't worry about bending over and my pants ripping! And i could look in the mirror without just doing the very basics. You know. Making sure i don't have any eye crusties and that i look halfway decent to go to work. I can't imagine looking at the mirror and saying "hey you. Yeah. You. How you doinnnn". That would be...ah. Amazing.

So knowing how amazing that would feel, why did i eat like 6,000 calories yesterday?! Why? You even ate when you were stuffed! You went out and got teriyaki and donuts and then 3 hours later ate dominos. What the heck? How hungry could you have been in 3 hours?! Why on earth did you do that?! And even before the pizza, you regretted your last meal. So while you were sitting there in regret, you thought eating more would be a smart thing to do?! My god man. Way to go backwards. Now i'm just doing math. I ate 6,000 calories so at a 1,000 calorie deficit i would take 6 days to lose it. 6 days for some stupid food i didn't even want to eat?! Or i could starve myself for the next 2 days and it would be gone. No. I hate that. That would make me feel even worse.

Moral of the story: Weight loss is incredibly easy. It's a game of numbers. If you can do math, you can lose weight. The mental side of it. The wanting to even play the game without cheating. Without screwing up.That's the real challenge. I can try to white knuckle it and force myself to stick to my calories to lose weight but i will just keep screwing up because food is what i run to when i'm sad. I need to fix the problems in my life. The weight is just a symptom for how i feel. I know i'll be happier when i'm at my goal weight. But that seems so long when all the other problems in my life are right NOW. After writing all this i know why i ate yesterday. I'm sad. I'm dealing with alot of things in my life that i don't know how to deal with and i get home and say to myself internally "quick! I need something to counter this sad feeling! I don't care what it is. Just give it to me!". Logic be damned.

Fixing yourself isn't just the weight. It's everything

Hornsby

Your story loosely reminds me of the saying "Anyone can workout for an hour, it's the other 23 hours of watching what goes in your mouth that is the hard part".

azulvioleta6

Dude! Stop beating yourself up.

We all have crap days, we all slip up. Let it go, learn from it and move forward.

It sounds like you need to figure out some good ways to relieve stress. It also sounds like you need to find a source of joy in your life. My answer to that is to dance--it's good exercise and it gives me a chance to let go and forget about everything except being in the moment. Figure out what your solution is and go do it!

uvi5

Great post and I so relate. I have been in therapy for close to 2 years. The therapy is not for weight issues, but for mental wellness. This time around in my life I am working towards this. My failures in weight control were about the outside stresses that would give me an excuse to give up and then feel worst. I know now if I just "urge surf" through a desire to cheat (on a non planned out cheat meal) and work out or just go for a walk, the reward of "good feeling" is amazing. It seems easier said than done and it is, but so worth it. I totally know the feeling and hence why I am doing as much "physical" movement as I can muster. I just started again and as I am writing this, I understand that my internal dialog is so very important. I am trying to remind myself of the mini successes that will lead to fulfillment at the end of the day. You have the right attitude and thank you for posting this. I will remember your post in my "down" moments to remind me of how it makes me feel after I have slipped off my path and if I do slip, to just get right back on it and to never give up! Bless You!

Jolinia

It's not you, it's your cage.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

gamesandgains

It's a temporary step back, man. You can come back from this.

wkwebby

You have lots of stress in your life. You dealt with it by eating. Now try to find productive ways of dealing with the stress. I have yoga, meditation, or the opposite way is using a punching bag, go to the gym, etc. to deal with your stress. These would all help you to not eat 6,000 calories next time.

You went overboard one day and regret it...now you just have to learn from it and grow from it. How will you do things differently next time? That is the main takeaway from all of it.

vvallentyne

A momentary lapse of reason does not make a bad lifestyle. It is okay we all have one. You have already taken the time to understand why it happened. Be kind to you because right now you need a kind voice. Pick yourself back up and find a healthier coping mechanism for the next hard spell, because there will be one from time to time. Best wishes to you on your journey!

kaylacarol1989

I can relate! I'm a single mom, i got financial issues comming at me left right and center, expense after expense, i work a full time job, i pay all my own bills, my rent alone is 800 a month, school expenses for my daughter, car, nesseceaties, and much much more. Life is a constant stress, not to add i'm a neat freak and having a 5 year old in a house that i feel i need to clean 3 times a day is exhausting... i just get by on my paychecks with very ittle left over to do basically anything, so my social life is a bit of a dull, im 25.... BUT.. i recently have become obsessed with the gym, and eatign write, and MFP. The one th8ing i do to relieve stress, and for me. Something i know that will be rewarding in the end if i stick to it, and by god i'm gonna! I have cheat days! once a week, on the weekend, ur entitled... if u fall off get back up and try try again! thats all.... dont focus on the time frame focus on the journey, how every day you get closer and closer with determination and dedication!

NurseCU

Jolinia wrote: »

It's not you, it's your cage.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

This is a great read! Maybe you do need to fix your cage, Marcus. Does your girlfriend and co-workers support you in a healthy way? More importantly, I wouldn't say one day eating like that un-does all the hard work you have put into getting healthy up until that point. Log it all and wake up to a new day.

Losingthedamnweight

Jolinia wrote: »

It's not you, it's your cage.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

I'm about to get all dramatic on you but...i think this article changed my life. Really. Before i wrote all this out (and read your article) i just kept making the same dumb mistake over and over again. It's become a cycle. A very lovely cycle of

"hey. I'm doing awesome! I've lost 5 lbs. I'm unstoppable baby!"

Then something horrible happens to shake my world and i run to food to make everything all better

I feel bad and thinking "how did that just happen?!" and i'm really hard on myself. And i get back on the wagon and lose another 5 lbs. Then the process repeats

I have so much to fix in my life it's ridiculous. I feel like i have to rebuild my life from the ground up. But now i really know i need to do it.

Losingthedamnweight

NurseCU wrote: »

Jolinia wrote: »

It's not you, it's your cage.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

This is a great read! Maybe you do need to fix your cage, Marcus. Does your girlfriend and co-workers support you in a healthy way? More importantly, I wouldn't say one day eating like that un-does all the hard work you have put into getting healthy up until that point. Log it all and wake up to a new day.

I totally second this! Amazing read. And no. I don't really have any support. I've tried doing this on my own for a long time and it's worn me out. My coworkers aren't really people you can get close to and my girlfriend sabotages my diet every chance she gets. She's not really concerned with my problems. I've told her how i felt for years and she's quick to disregard it and do her own thing. I've questioned if we didn't have a kid together if i would even be with her. I don't think being with her has made me a better person. Just a more tired and isolated one

Jolinia

Losingthedamnweight wrote: »

Jolinia wrote: »

It's not you, it's your cage.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

I'm about to get all dramatic on you but...i think this article changed my life. Really. Before i wrote all this out (and read your article) i just kept making the same dumb mistake over and over again. It's become a cycle. A very lovely cycle of

"hey. I'm doing awesome! I've lost 5 lbs. I'm unstoppable baby!"

Then something horrible happens to shake my world and i run to food to make everything all better

I feel bad and thinking "how did that just happen?!" and i'm really hard on myself. And i get back on the wagon and lose another 5 lbs. Then the process repeats

I have so much to fix in my life it's ridiculous. I feel like i have to rebuild my life from the ground up. But now i really know i need to do it.

I'm glad if it helped. I'm right there with you, too. I'm very isolated and need to fix several things in my life. I started by losing over half my body weight, and that's great, and I'm happy and being able to run and bicycle and rollerblade (sort of, I'm clumsy!) is amazing and makes me happy, but it didn't cause a magical rainbow unicorn to show up and grant me three life-fixing wishes or anything. Sad to say!

Losingthedamnweight

kaylacarol1989 wrote: »

I can relate! I'm a single mom, i got financial issues comming at me left right and center, expense after expense, i work a full time job, i pay all my own bills, my rent alone is 800 a month, school expenses for my daughter, car, nesseceaties, and much much more. Life is a constant stress, not to add i'm a neat freak and having a 5 year old in a house that i feel i need to clean 3 times a day is exhausting... i just get by on my paychecks with very ittle left over to do basically anything, so my social life is a bit of a dull, im 25.... BUT.. i recently have become obsessed with the gym, and eatign write, and MFP. The one th8ing i do to relieve stress, and for me. Something i know that will be rewarding in the end if i stick to it, and by god i'm gonna! I have cheat days! once a week, on the weekend, ur entitled... if u fall off get back up and try try again! thats all.... dont focus on the time frame focus on the journey, how every day you get closer and closer with determination and dedication!

There's so much truth in this i can't thank you enough for writing it. Life really likes taking swings at us doesn't it? I had my daughter the same age as you and man. You hear so much how hard it is having kids but you don't really understand it til it happens and BOOM! You're left with raising a little human being and making sure they turn out as normal as possible while you still have your own issues to deal with.

I always told myself i would never visit my problems on my daughter. And i haven't. She deserves to be a kid and to not have to worry about all these adult problems daddy is dealing with. When i grew up, my mom always told me everything and it took it's toll on me. I had to deal with her relationship issues, her money problems, everything. Looking back its like i was the parent having to deal with everything at such a young age. No wonder i'm always so worried about things. I've spent my whole life trying to micromanage the crap out of everything.

I need my own thing. I work and take care of my kid. When that's all you've got, man...my brain just wants a vacation! I can't believe it's taken until now to realize i need to care of myself

BABetter1

Ok. This is a hard truth. Losing weight cannot make you happy if you are unhappy for many reasons besides your weight/health. You have some issues in your life that you will need to deal with. I would take them one at a time, changing the ones you can and giving it at least a few months for the changes to sink in. Some can be fixed in a few days. Some are harder than others and may require more than a few months and maybe a little cooperation. Just remember everything in life boils down to this: "STAY, GO, OR STATUS QUO". STAY where you are, but make changes (this can be challenging to do with the relationship and career issues as well as your health/weight). GO completely away from those things (end the relationship/change the career path or at the very least, the employer). Or STATUS QUO, meaning you keep everything like it is and figure out ways to cope with and accept it as is. If you can't do the first one or the last one . . . .

Jolinia

bgorum wrote: »

Ok. This is a hard truth. Losing weight cannot make you happy if you are unhappy for many reasons besides your weight/health. You have some issues in your life that you will need to deal with. I would take them one at a time, changing the ones you can and giving it at least a few months for the changes to sink in. Some can be fixed in a few days. Some are harder than others and may require more than a few months and maybe a little cooperation. Just remember everything in life boils down to this: "STAY, GO, OR STATUS QUO". STAY where you are, but make changes (this can be challenging to do with the relationship and career issues as well as your health/weight). GO completely away from those things (end the relationship/change the career path or at the very least, the employer). Or STATUS QUO, meaning you keep everything like it is and figure out ways to cope with and accept it as is. If you can't do the first one or the last one . . . .

This reminds me of a really good TED Talk:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8FNcOBkhN4

Losingthedamnweight

bgorum wrote: »

Ok. This is a hard truth. Losing weight cannot make you happy if you are unhappy for many reasons besides your weight/health. You have some issues in your life that you will need to deal with. I would take them one at a time, changing the ones you can and giving it at least a few months for the changes to sink in. Some can be fixed in a few days. Some are harder than others and may require more than a few months and maybe a little cooperation. Just remember everything in life boils down to this: "STAY, GO, OR STATUS QUO". STAY where you are, but make changes (this can be challenging to do with the relationship and career issues as well as your health/weight). GO completely away from those things (end the relationship/change the career path or at the very least, the employer). Or STATUS QUO, meaning you keep everything like it is and figure out ways to cope with and accept it as is. If you can't do the first one or the last one . . . .

I don't think i've ever put that much thought into my life. I've always just known my responsibilities and took care of them. I work full time and i take care of my kid and the bills. I never do anything me-related at all. It's like i do just enough to survive but not enough to really change the way i'm living my life. There's so much i want to do. Go back to school, lose weight, make more friends. Get out more. But i feel like i deal with so much with everything else that i don't even know if i could handle doing all the extra stuff to make me happier. Ya know? Change is scary and with it comes risk. What if i go to school and fail? And am left in thousands of dollars in debt and with nothing to show for it? What if i change my job and i'm horrible at it? What if i go out and try to make friends and completely embarass myself? I'm not known for being a particularly strong person. Ugh...i must sound really stupid right now

I'm reading every single response right now because i have nobody to talk to

Ephebiphobia

I feel this so hard. Life really threw me a curve ball on Sunday and I ate nearly 4000 calories worth of junk food in one day. I felt so disgusting the next day, I was so bloated and lethargic. It's those times where you have to breathe and remember how important you are and to take care of yourself by distancing yourself from all the crap happening instead of swallowing it all (metaphorically and literally).

This post was kind of what I needed this week.

AmyTCaldwell

Hey tomorrows,another day,you think you have problems,I have problems,but I keep my head held high,think positive and believe that better days are coming,if you need someone to talk to,to help you through the tough times I'll be here, I'll do what I can to .don't don't kid your self my friend,life is a journey,with ups and downs, failures and success,we all make mistakes,and some times we want to just throw in the towel,that's easy to do,huh yeah I know. I've been there actually I'm battling my own demons every day on a daily basis and sometimes I hate to wake up,I wish I'd just die,but the good lord blesses me with a new day,a new state of mind and a next breath,there are reasons why we go through what we do, we just have to figure out the proper way to deal with it and move on. Hey friend me if you'd like to talk.:-) hang in the buddy,it will work out for ya. I promise:-) :-) :-)

determined24girl

Thanks for posting this.

stealthq

Losingthedamnweight wrote: »

bgorum wrote: »

Ok. This is a hard truth. Losing weight cannot make you happy if you are unhappy for many reasons besides your weight/health. You have some issues in your life that you will need to deal with. I would take them one at a time, changing the ones you can and giving it at least a few months for the changes to sink in. Some can be fixed in a few days. Some are harder than others and may require more than a few months and maybe a little cooperation. Just remember everything in life boils down to this: "STAY, GO, OR STATUS QUO". STAY where you are, but make changes (this can be challenging to do with the relationship and career issues as well as your health/weight). GO completely away from those things (end the relationship/change the career path or at the very least, the employer). Or STATUS QUO, meaning you keep everything like it is and figure out ways to cope with and accept it as is. If you can't do the first one or the last one . . . .

I don't think i've ever put that much thought into my life. I've always just known my responsibilities and took care of them. I work full time and i take care of my kid and the bills. I never do anything me-related at all. It's like i do just enough to survive but not enough to really change the way i'm living my life. There's so much i want to do. Go back to school, lose weight, make more friends. Get out more. But i feel like i deal with so much with everything else that i don't even know if i could handle doing all the extra stuff to make me happier. Ya know? Change is scary and with it comes risk. What if i go to school and fail? And am left in thousands of dollars in debt and with nothing to show for it? What if i change my job and i'm horrible at it? What if i go out and try to make friends and completely embarass myself? I'm not known for being a particularly strong person. Ugh...i must sound really stupid right now

I'm reading every single response right now because i have nobody to talk to

You don't sound stupid - you sound normal. You have a lot of responsibilities and an understandable fear of not being able to meet them.

But the thing is - that is the kind of thinking that keeps you stuck.

There are ways to go to school and not have thousands of dollars in debt. They just take longer to complete the curriculum, or require effort to locate, apply for and win grant/scholarship money.

If you change jobs, don't burn your bridges behind you. There's no reason you can't go back to your old career, or even move to a related but different career, if the new one doesn't suit 100%. <-- I've done this. It was scary, but exciting at the same time.

If you don't try to make friends, you'll never find any new ones. Be willing to laugh at yourself in good humor and don't take yourself too seriously - I've stumbled into a couple of good friendships as a result of inadvertently making a fool of myself. Oddly enough, I found that I was not the only one who has done that on occasion

You can make your life better. But, you're going to have to start making an effort to change. The first steps are always the hardest - overcoming inertia - but you know that.

mytabouly

Please dont starve yourself... Its a sure fire way to head down the slippery slope towards disordered eating..

azulvioleta6

Losingthedamnweight wrote: »

What if i go out and try to make friends and completely embarass myself?

That is how you get good stories.

There is less to lose than you think. You are losing more by NOT taking any risks.

TinaGA2015

I think a lot of us go through this, especially on the weekends. We go WAY over our calories and then have to make up for it. I totally feel your pain

Liftng4Lis

Hornsby wrote: »

Your story loosely reminds me of the saying "Anyone can workout for an hour, it's the other 23 hours of watching what goes in your mouth that is the hard part".

Nice analogy!

herrspoons wrote: »

Because you're human.

and this!

elphie754

mytabouly wrote: »

Please dont starve yourself... Its a sure fire way to head down the slippery slope towards disordered eating..

After reading his posts over the past few days, I think that slippery slope has been met and ship has sailed.

That being said, OP, you should really see a counselor about not being happy and trying to lose weight to be happy.

Losingthedamnweight

elphie754 wrote: »

mytabouly wrote: »

Please dont starve yourself... Its a sure fire way to head down the slippery slope towards disordered eating..

After reading his posts over the past few days, I think that slippery slope has been met and ship has sailed.

That being said, OP, you should really see a counselor about not being happy and trying to lose weight to be happy.

You're right. I'm looking for someone right now and making an appointment. I guess i'm so used to just sitting with my problems and dealing with them, it seemed easier than going out and fixing them. What i'm doing now clearly isn't working and it's time to change that.

I still appreciate the crap out of you guys and love you guys to death, but i need a good therapist. If anyone has any advice about finding the right one, feel free to chime in! I'm calling places right now

foodiscomplicated

Have anyone noticed that well into the next day after over-eating you remain satiated, allowing you to skip meals without the usual pangs of hunger? I can easily go without eating for most, if not all day. The obvious result - no or little weight gain. Sweet.

NurseCU

I feel the desire to hug you because I'm an extremely empathetic person. Sometimes a nice, warm and meaningful embrace gives you a little extra strength too! Just know we are all here for you, MPF has been the best support for me because everyone understands to a certain extent what you are going through.

Keep your head up, embrace change, and eliminate the negativity from your life! You are magnificent, and marvelous human being that deserves to be happy.

As far as your relationship, having a child together should not be the main reason for staying together... Yes, your daughter is the best reason to try to work out your relationship, but should not be the only reason to stay. You are worth it, to be able to enjoy someone that truly supports you and makes you happy!

I think it's wise that you are going to talk to a therapist (God knows I've seen my fair share of them!!!) they really do help because they offer very unbiased advice, and really allow you to work through your problems.

seyaedom

Dude, think of it this way. That was just one day out of the week, or month, or year of having - what we can, a "cheat day" so don't even sweat it by killing yourself over it. Just hit up the gym now the next day, day after that, and the day after that etc, and keep at it with your regular routine and go hard. #StayStrong