Reposting "long short story" with first half. Error on other post. Sorry

Adpalangi

I am very sorry for Reposting the second half again, but for some reason the first half didn't come thru. So I am Reposting over again, with the first half included. A long, short story, sorry. But did feel better after writing it out. Thanks again
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by Adpalangi1 , 02-22-2015 at 02:44 PM (43 Views)
I've had Venus for about 10 months now. At the same time registered with my fitness pal as calorie counter, but have used other aspects of the program to further educate myself along with Venus regarding nutrition. I was successful at loosing 30 lbs in about 6 months, but have not followed the program, despite my many attempts to bring myself back for at least 3 months. . Is that considered loosing too fast? I couldn't seem to meet my protein goals of about 70 the the entire time. And not at all without going over my daily calorie goal. (However my previous eating routinely healthy at all, before Venus included very very little meats of any kind. It was truly a no cook routine, which meant fast foods, no cook, frozen meals, several bowls of cereal, and junk, if any meals at all, for a very very long time. The broiled vegetables, the protein bars, salads are not even appetizing now. Five ft tall, at 148 starting programs. And got as close to my Venus goal of 109 at 113. My personal goals were: to be healthy so that I would be able to be active and able to play with my three young grands.
To help with my major depression
To look great at my sons key west wedding which was 7 months away
To be more comfortable
To be more attractive and desirable to a healthy, toned athletic male person I was very attractive too.
This help signifently with my long term depression, not a cure, but a definite big step to begin pulling me out, and having me work hard, invest lots of time to improve my eroded self confidence, energy, self doubt and social life of time with just family, which had been all that was left of my so called social life.
I felt great, and starting at about the 3 month time received many many complainants.
I felt healthy
I felt kinda attractive again (which I hadn't felt in years).
I was thrilled at going from a size 10 or 12 to a size 0 or 2 comfortably.
Which resulted in some shopping and purchasing some "fun" new clothes, (had been years, and I had no longer enjoyed or even went shopping).
I felt good around my "friend"

Around 5 months the compliments made a u-turn, to you've lost so much wieght, how much have you lost? How did you do it? Your not going to loose anymore are you? You need to stop seriously Angie, it's starting to age you. Your face is all sunken in. You look sickly.
My fitness pal people were telling me I had an illness, was loosing too much weight too fast. They cont on with I had a lack of important nutrients, my daily diet was like I was starving myself (I was going for the 1000 calorie goal which Venus had suggested, and so many have used and did not have these problems, lean and healthy.) and I needed to see a doctor for a eating disorder. Why didn't I understand, they asked?" and they became very argumentative, I was going to loose my hair and damage my brain. Now don't get me wrong MFP also had some supportive, encouraging, insightful as Venus was filled with.
I began to notice many wrinkles on my face, with loose droopy skin. Which also showed on many parts if my body. My stomach, my arms, and thighs.
And then my hair began to fall out, and hasn't stopped since, the back of my head has two, an inch or inch and a half spots that look bald, and is getting worse. My hair is overall looking pretty bad, and is quite devastating.
My friend had only once commented on my weight loss, earlier on "hey skinny". I had asked early on if I looked better, (embarrassed to add, but I'm baring all now, for some reason, I guess help) as in the bedroom, after all he was the only one other than myself who saw all of me). He gave me a you look good, right here, which was somewhere around 119. Some time Later he had told me I was "sexy" (again embarrassed to share). Not feeling sexy, I asked "what is it that makes me sexy?" I was replied with being very sensual, and not inhibited with our close times together. (And the not being inhibited in private with him was so true, other than never taking my Cami off, always rolling it down positioning it to cover my lower belly, I was SURPRISINGLY very comfortable.). We had spent many times together over the past four years. I was comfortable way before the loss. With that conversation being right around the 119 120 mark, I decided that might be a good maintenance point. But felt like alittle more, fore my face, and it turned into more and more and so in, with me not being concerned until it had gone to the 124 weight.
My daughter, (who is a mother of three, who feeds herself, husband and children very healthy foods, whole foods and organic as much as possible. She takes excellent care of her body, training daily with her her husbands guidance, he is, and has been a personal trainer, and now runs a very exclusive gym, along with having many faithful clients of his own ). The whole family is very fit and healthy. My daughter had told me over and over again to eat more, "Mom, just go to Chick Filet and eat a meal, it's not gonna hurt you."
Strangely prior to all of that, when I was in the loss stage, I wasn't horrible on myself. If I went over on my calories I did try to even them out over the week. I would go to the forums, seeking advice on what to do when this happened, how and where to get protein, or general moral support, and several other questions of the same nature, as I was taking advantage of what both programs offered. Replies from Venus were very encouraging, and had many suggestions, some from MFP as well, but along with that came some very harsh comments from MFP, referring to hair loss, brain issues, and having a real eating disorder that I desperately needed to see a Dr. For.
I had discussed my weight loss with my long time therapist whom i see weekly, faithfully. My psychiatrist, as I wanted to be sure my meds didn't need adjusted with the difference in weight. And my family practitioner, who did agree I was at a good stopping point, I was at 115, and to continue eating healthy. Prior to my physical I had a full panel blood test, with great results. I was referred on to gyn for hormone testing. And a dermatologist both to investigate my hair loss.
And finally, I didn't exactly shine in front of my ex of my 28 years marriage, five year ago divorced from me ex husband. I know this was a very superficial goal, but I'm only human and with a very bad relationship during and after the divorce, where he often slammed, humiliated me, and called me lazy, worthless and fat. I did have that as a goal.
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Part two, previously posted with error
With ALL of this said (and alot of repeat posts. sorry, from other posts). I was concerned that everybody was right and I that i wasn't the "healthy, look I was gone for. I decided I should put on afew more lbs, till I saw my face back to normal. (It has yet to be back to normal), and then maintain. I began to go back to my old eating habits and worse, my drs had approved me to go back to work for a part time stress free job, this was right before holiday season, and my new job was a florist in a grocery store, which had a very very good bakery. Before I would leave work, I would purchase single serving deserts for my mom and myself. I would devour in no time. Then it turned into whole deserts, you know whole pie, whole cake and so on. I would devour in at least 2 days. With Not much else to eat for the day. I would tell myself, planning to go back after Christmas, then after New Years, and then start a new week on Monday, and then tomorrow. On and on. I have put back on 13 lbs. my lower stomach is at the beginning of sitting on my lap, my thighs feel much thicker, my neck is saggy, I am starting to see those bra roles on my back. And I am devastatingly loosing my hair. Oh and did I mention my face had like a sunken in area on each side just below my jaw bone. Not feeling to good about myself like this either, definitely not feeling healthy. I've been trying to give up something new each couple days. Started with donuts, and cookies, then cakes and pies. Next will have to be that ice cream, which also is gone in two days with help from mom. I have broken my daily Hersey chocolate almond bars into small pieces, and try very hard to only eat afew pieces, sometimes sucessful sometimes not. I haven't had pasta, beads, or fast foods in forever, anyway so that's no problem. I've been researching recipes with high protein, and have made some that require a bit of ingredients, and time. I have filled my fridg and cabinets again with poultry, fish, lean meats, cheeses, fresh vegetables, and fruit. For snacks I do have in my cupboard, pretzel rods, wheat thins and pickles, almonds and cashews. which I do indulge in, instead of sweets, but only in the single serving amount, and mostly just one serving a day. Still not under 1000 or 1200 calories, at all, but really trying all I can think of to get there.
My new goals are to simply look and feel healthy.
Side note, that 2014 when I was loosing weight I proudly and still have, without any set backs or slips:
Quite a eight year smoking habit, socialize and come out of my bedroom much more. Gave up sodas, coffees, fast foods, and started back to work after over 5 years of not being able to work, and in a job I enjoy instead if the one that may pay more money. A florist at Safeway doesn't just make pretty floral arrangements along with the home section inventory. , lots of manual labor receiving the flowers and prepping them. Always had a job that was behind a desk, with a day that would drag by, and only exercise would be to the fax machine or coffee machine. Doesn't pay a thing but I really enjoy it, and it is helping me to be less isolated as often, and to be social with other people. But that damn bakery, and Hersey chocolate bars at check out, are just killing me, probably literally.

I realize getting back off is all my fault, and struggling to get back on my responsibility. I can't figure why it is so difficult. I know I was unhappy with the final results, but I was beginning to really feel good on the inside, was even kinda proud.
Not sure what I'm needing or asking for, and if anyone at all reads
know if my story will actually help anyone, would like to think it might.

Am I going back on the Venus and fitness pal programs? I'm trying, but think it will be best to take it one day at a time for now. Moderation also seems to be a key thought as well.

Suggestions on what caused me to get back to this way? Why did I not look healthy after the end if the weight loss? What can I do now, am I right to get started back alittle slowly with giving up one thing every few dates.,