Physical Illness Caused Mental Illness

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My_Butt
My_Butt Posts: 2,300 Member
in Motivation and Support
I've had an eating disorder for 17 years (27 years old) and I did so well in the past year. But I came down with a sinus infection and then bronchitis last week, and the lack of food while I was sick triggered my eating disorder. I thought once I was feeling better, I would start eating again, but the weights coming off and I'm getting lost.
I've talked to my therapist, but I'm not feeling any better. I guess I'm just posting to talk to someone.

Replies

  • sofaking6
    sofaking6 Posts: 4,589 Member
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    Neural patterns in your brain being activated by repeats of old behavior - you're not the first and won't be the last, and you *can* survive it and get back to where you were before illness. I'm really sorry that you're going through this, it must be very frightening. I wish I had some good advice but just hang in there and remember why you're here and fighting in the first place.
  • My_Butt
    My_Butt Posts: 2,300 Member
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    I think I'm just feeling really down about it because my buddies on here keep saying they envy my abs, and that I'm their role model whenever I log my workouts, but I really don't feel like I should be somebody to emulate.
  • sofaking6
    sofaking6 Posts: 4,589 Member
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    MFP is a total reality bubble like all social media sites are. You have an ED monkey on your back and your workouts are a double-edged sword. It's not your responsibility to educate your MFP friends about anorexia - but it IS your choice to share your struggle with them if you want to. I don't have ED experience but I do have addiction experience and I totally get how you can feel like there's this you that everyone else somehow sees who has nothing in common with the you that you live with every day. Those are normal experiences, even though they're totally weird...if that makes sense?
  • Khalstead0517
    Khalstead0517 Posts: 42 Member
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    I was bulemic as a teen... and anorexic for a short time too. I am on day 6 of my sinus infection turned bronchitis and today is the first time I have eaten since last Thursday! I struggled today with whether or not to eat since getting meds yesterday,I can finally breath again. I for a moment contemplated keeping on with not eating since it is so easy now....but you have to love yourself enough to do what is RIGHT not what is easy! I cannot sit up for more than 5 minutes without being dizzy and feeling like I will pass out...probably from lack of food. I am starting to get muscle cramps too....these will not support me with a healthy lifestyle!
    If I get to goal weight like this,I will be too sick to enjoy it. I ate some jello and even some chicken soup...and still dizzy..but I know my body needs sustinance and yours does too!
    Be strong and do what you know is right and good for your body,risking your health by starving yourself isnt the answer. I know how you feel though and cant say it didnt cross my mind too! Hope you are over the bronchitis....swore it was gonna kill me for a few days there!
  • melly0405
    melly0405 Posts: 215 Member
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    You're so brave to share your struggle and so smart to reach out for help. Please continue to reach out and not hide or retreat into yourself.
    I don't know what advice to give you but if I can help in anyway I am more than happy to in anyway I can. Please please take care of yourself, remember how much better you felt while you were healthy and please let me know how I can help you.
  • My_Butt
    My_Butt Posts: 2,300 Member
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    Thanks everyone. It's easier trying to talk to people on here instead of friends and family in real life, since I want everyone to continue to think I'm doing well. So after trying to focus on things myself for awhile, I need to find a group to finally talk about everything that's going on.
  • neaneacc
    neaneacc Posts: 224 Member
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    Taking can only help you with this struggle. It is great that you recognized this issue, and that you are trying to make the changes you need to. I know it sounds silly, but keeping a diary/journal might help you to get out your negative feelings about found. There is something therapeutic about writing it down and choosing to let it go. I feel confident that you can gain control with a little bit of encouragement.
  • My_Butt
    My_Butt Posts: 2,300 Member
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    neaneacc wrote: »
    Taking can only help you with this struggle. It is great that you recognized this issue, and that you are trying to make the changes you need to. I know it sounds silly, but keeping a diary/journal might help you to get out your negative feelings about found. There is something therapeutic about writing it down and choosing to let it go. I feel confident that you can gain control with a little bit of encouragement.

    I should pick that up. I used to do that when I was younger, and the poems I wrote, I have even had them published. Maybe I can make some creativity with these feelings.
  • neaneacc
    neaneacc Posts: 224 Member
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    I think any good that can come out of personal struggle is great. I am sure that getting the feelings out one way or another will help you to feel stronger. Just a thought! =)
  • jnv7594
    jnv7594 Posts: 983 Member
    edited March 2015
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    Unfortunately, I don't have any advice other than to continue to reach out to your therapist or find a new therapist if you feel the one you are seeing now is not helping. I'm sorry you're struggling, but at least you are open to talking about it and seeking support. That is a big step. Hopefully more people will chime in and give you some additional advice/support.
  • Howdoyoufeeltoday
    Howdoyoufeeltoday Posts: 481 Member
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    Currently struggling with some ED thoughts and disorders myself so I'm not sure how much help I can be other then to tell you to remind yourself that you've been down that road before and it brings nothing but physical and mental pain that you don't want and don't deserve. Don't tell yourself it's just one skipped meal or just one extra mile running because for people like us it's never enough. Remind yourself all that you have to lose if you relapse and ask yourself if it's worth it to lose a few pounds and those abs along with it.

    You wake up every day and fight an illness lots of people don't even understand. Something as simple as eating is so complicated for us and yet you keep going. You're struggling now but that doesn't mean people shouldn't take advice from you or congradulate you on your success. Because you are a success, don't let this setback take that from you. Tell the voices they can't have control of your life! :)
  • My_Butt
    My_Butt Posts: 2,300 Member
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    Howdoyoufeeltoday wrote: »
    Currently struggling with some ED thoughts and disorders myself so I'm not sure how much help I can be other then to tell you to remind yourself that you've been down that road before and it brings nothing but physical and mental pain that you don't want and don't deserve. Don't tell yourself it's just one skipped meal or just one extra mile running because for people like us it's never enough. Remind yourself all that you have to lose if you relapse and ask yourself if it's worth it to lose a few pounds and those abs along with it.

    You wake up every day and fight an illness lots of people don't even understand. Something as simple as eating is so complicated for us and yet you keep going. You're struggling now but that doesn't mean people shouldn't take advice from you or congradulate you on your success. Because you are a success, don't let this setback take that from you. Tell the voices they can't have control of your life! :)

    I like everything you said.
  • lconnor29
    lconnor29 Posts: 4 Member
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    Hi My_butt, I understand, my struggle is a bit different but I feel your pain. I had binge eating disorder when I was younger due to being in a tumultuous home. I seemed to gain a stone every year, from around the age of 9. At 18 I was 18.5 stone, my knees hurt, I was huge and imprisoned by my body. Something clicked in my head at this point and I became ill with anorexia, bulimia and compulsive exercise. I was water fasting, and my calorie limits getting more and more severe. Starting to cut down from 2500 odd or more a day, I was unhappy by the end of I was eating anything. Some days just having an Apple to eat. I can recall my hatred of food was so severe by the end I couldn't eat. I had panic attacks in the supermarket when trying to find something I could eat. I couldn't go out with my friends or family for food, and if I had to I would purge all the food straight after eating. In 5 months I had lost the best part of 8stone. Some how I began to eat again, but the cycle and illness is still there. I got hit by a car at 21 and put on about 2 stone making me very unhappy. I was bingeing again and that lead back in to ED. Lost the weight again and stayed like that until recently. So now. Here I am a disgusting fat lump again. I've been at uni and the stress has caused me to pile on 2/3 stone. And I'm miserable and disgusted, and fighting to not go down the ED route. It's so hard though. So far I've been trying to lose weight healthily for a year, and have lost nothing. In fact I gained about a stone going to the gym all summer. I was going 3/5 Times a week and doing cardio and weights and gained! So discouraging. I have been eating well, and have done detoxes, delivered food plans and other things to try and not feed the monkey on my back. But she's laughing at my failure consistently and whispering in my ear that "ED works, just stop eating you fat *kitten*. Go and purge what you just ate and move your fat *kitten*" but I was such a mess when I was I'll with ED that I think I would honestly rather be fat. I felt fatter than I do now when I was ill anyhow. :( I just want to get this weight off but it's so hard and such a dangerous game to play with a monkey on your back. Anyhow I understand, I'm here for you and will help you if I can x
  • cheshirecatastrophe
    cheshirecatastrophe Posts: 1,395 Member
    edited March 2015
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    My_Butt wrote: »
    I think I'm just feeling really down about it because my buddies on here keep saying they envy my abs, and that I'm their role model whenever I log my workouts, but I really don't feel like I should be somebody to emulate.

    If you're finding your MFP newsfeed triggering, maybe stay away from it for a few days.

    I am 100%, no, 1000%, sure that your MFPals care about you, are rooting for you, and would SO MUCH RATHER not hear from you for a little while as you take care of yourself. :)

    (Not saying avoid the forums or this thread if you're honestly not finding them a problem, but only you know what's going on inside your head.)

    I'm very sorry you had a setback.

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