Do I Sound Like A Horrible Person ?

myheartsabattleground

Ever since I could remember, I've always wanted to adopt kids, and in particular those with autism spectrum, aspergers, down syndrome, epilepsy, agenesis corpus callosum (what I have), hydrocephalus, etc. When I was 20 years old, I had my ovaries removed due to PCOS and my choices are now IVF (I'm aware of the complications and health risks), and adoption.

I would love to adopt those with disabilities, mental defects etc. HOWEVER I don't think I can handle a child with Treacher's Collins that looks inhuman (I'm aware, that all physical deformities vary greatly... I'm talking about if the child looked like an animal, jabba the hut, or picasso painting) or a child that has to depend on me like a newborn (ie mostly non verbal, when they're of school age and should be potty trained.)

Don't get me wrong. I commend those who have the strength to do all that ! I just don't think I can handle crying myself to sleep nightly; because of how cruel society is, or that I'm so fed up with everything to where I just want everything to go away.

AmberStarr_87

I was with you til you said a child with treachers may look like Jabba the hut. You should probably stay childless.

myheartsabattleground

Like I said, I'm aware that all physical deformities vary greatly. I have agenesis corpus callosum, which is a mental defect. If you type that into google / bing / yahoo / goduckgo, you'll see that too.

philasaurus_rex

^^^AGREED^^^

Yeah, you're a horrible person. "... I'm talking about if the child looked like an animal, jabba the hut, or picasso painting" -- Then you talk about how "cruel society is." Go ahead and toss yourself in that bucket. Cry yourself to sleep at night not because of how messed up the world is around you, but because you're actually a terrible person on the inside (possibly the outside as well).

AmberStarr_87

philasaurus_rex wrote: »

^^^AGREED^^^

Yeah, you're a horrible person. "... I'm talking about if the child looked like an animal, jabba the hut, or picasso painting" -- Then you talk about how "cruel society is." Go ahead and toss yourself in that bucket. Cry yourself to sleep at night not because of how messed up the world is around you, but because you're actually a terrible person on the inside (possibly the outside as well).

I like you!

philasaurus_rex

As you should

toolzz

as the mother of a child with Aspergers, based on what you just wrote, I would advise you re-think your adoption plans. Being a parent is full of emotional ups and downs regardless of the child. And if you think only children with obvious physical deformities are treated cruelly by society you need to expand your thinking

cheshirecatastrophe

So you want a kid who's messed up, but doesn't look messed up?

Serious question: why do you want to be a special needs parent in the first place?

(I have one of the conditions OP listed. "Messed up" is a wee bit of self-deprecating humor. I sincerely apologize to anyone who finds my language offensive.)

AmberStarr_87

cheshirecatastrophe wrote: »

So you want a kid who's messed up, but doesn't look messed up?

Serious question: why do you want to be a special needs parent in the first place?

(I have one of the conditions OP listed. "Messed up" is a wee bit of self-deprecating humor. I sincerely apologize to anyone who finds my language offensive.)

Personally, I think OP just sounds like an *kitten* & doesn't deserve a special needs child (I have a 7 year old with Aspergers/anxiety, not a physical ailment, but trying all the same)

almondbutterbay

I mean what you said sounds really bad esp if people who are reading it know someone in life who has a physical ailment. I don't think you're a horrible person but...

What if you had a child who later got disfigured or something? Like you can't prevent these things. And there are worse things that not looking normal or whatever people think someone looks like.

philasaurus_rex

It's funny to me this is under "Chit-Chat, Fun, and Games" -- This topic is too heavy for this forum.

FatFreeFrolicking

I am actually mortified for you that you said "HOWEVER I don't think I can handle a child with Treacher's Collins that looks inhuman (I'm aware, that all physical deformities vary greatly... I'm talking about if the child looked like an animal, jabba the hut, or picasso painting)."

So to answer your question, yes, you sound like/are a horrible person.

Children with special needs and physical deformities are not the only individuals treated cruelly by society. I also find it very hypocritical of you to say such a thing when you said "Treacher's Collins that looks inhuman." That's plain cruel.

I suggest you not adopt a child, especially not a child with special needs because they can require 24/7 care for their entire life (depending on the severity of their diagnosis). You said you can't handle raising a child who depends on you… Newsflash: A child with special needs depends on their parents, their siblings, their grandparents, aunts/uncles, therapists, doctors, you name it. They need all of the love, attention, and support they can get. A child with special needs isn't out of your care when they turn 18 because that's not how it works. Once again, depending on the severity of their condition, some will live with their parents for their entire life.

Parenting itself is exhausting. But parenting a child with special needs takes fatigue to another level. And I'm not only talking about physical fatigue- I'm talking about the emotional fatigue.

Depending on the child's condition, doctor visits may be weekly. Therapy may be daily. I won't even mention the medical bills that pile up.

It takes a special person to raise a child with special needs, and based on your post, you are NOT that person.

itsclobberintime

No, you are not a horrible person. But likening someone with a disability to an animal or alien is unkind at best.

pechepanda

i could see your point of view till you said the kid might look like jabba the hut or a picaso painting.
society can be cruel but youre adding to it.
if you decide to adopt kids be sure youll love them unconditionally no matter what, and if you cant, dont. that includes physical deformities.
Im not going to say youre a horrible person, but i will say you need to rethink your priorities.

sijomial

I adopted my two children and had to complete the "range of acceptance form" and it's a very sobering thing to have to do - to decide what disabilities you think you can cope with and what you feel you cannot. Requires very deep thought and total honesty.

Sadly from the tone of your post I don't feel you are ready to support and nurture a child. The language you use is shocking and deeply immature.

FatFreeFrolicking

sijomial wrote: »

I adopted my two children and had to complete the "range of acceptance form" and it's a very sobering thing to have to do - to decide what disabilities you think you can cope with and what you feel you cannot. Requires very deep thought and total honesty.

Sadly from the tone of your post I don't feel you are ready to support and nurture a child. The language you use is shocking and deeply immature.

@sijomial‌ Agreed. It's most likely due to her condition though. She has ACC which affects the brains' corpus callosum. Common social/behavioral characteristics include being socially immature, lack of self-awareness, inability to take the perspective of others, difficulty understanding and acting on social cues of others, etc.

sijomial

FatFreeFrolicking wrote: »

sijomial wrote: »

I adopted my two children and had to complete the "range of acceptance form" and it's a very sobering thing to have to do - to decide what disabilities you think you can cope with and what you feel you cannot. Requires very deep thought and total honesty.

Sadly from the tone of your post I don't feel you are ready to support and nurture a child. The language you use is shocking and deeply immature.

@sijomial‌ Agreed. It's most likely due to her condition though. She has ACC which affects the brains' corpus callosum. Common social/behavioral characteristics include being socially immature, lack of self-awareness, inability to take the perspective of others, difficulty understanding and acting on social cues of others, etc.

Interesting - thank you. This place can be very educational.

To lighten the mood slightly....
One of the categories on the range of acceptance form, sandwiched between all the serious mental/physical/emotional/behavioral conditions and problems was "ginger hair" - which was a little mind blowing.

kami3006

I don't think you fully understand what it takes to raise a child with a disability of any kind. While some handicaps are not readily apparent, they still frequently come to light and you will still have to deal with all the offensive comments, fear, guilt, and sadness that comes along with it. I have a child with autism. She is fourteen and sweet as can be but we had a lot of struggles with the very things you are afraid of (i.e. judgmental comments, the long long road of potty training, and severe delay in speech). While she is smart and beautiful there will be struggles every day for her entire life and she will likely never be independent.

I have days when I feel blessed to have such a lovely daughter and lucky that we do not have worse issues and days where I don't understand why this happened. But, overall, I am lucky to have someone who has taught me to appreciate simple joys, uncomplicated friendships, and unconditional love.

While I certainly understand the impulse to give a good home to a special needs child and I do understand there are specific reasons to limit what type of disability one can handle (monetary concerns, lack of specific skills, space, or equipment needed) I cannot believe anyone who loves children of any kind would label a person of any age as one who "looked like an animal, jabba the hut, or picasso painting". A person with the heart to care for special needs would feel more concern for protecting and loving those children than for how they themselves would feel.

I don't know you and I don't believe that one thought, action, or belief makes a whole person bad but I to think that you are not the person to adopt/care for any children as you don't seem to have the understanding of what it means to be a parent.

Volunteer if you can. Learn about them and from them. Then revisit your wants.

kelly_e_montana

I think you're being brutally honest and everyone is crucifying you because you were either naive enough or attention-seeking enough to post a provocative topic on MFP.

philasaurus_rex

She said, Jabba the Hutt...Literally, said Jabba the Hutt. And I'll go with the latter of your two ideas.

philasaurus_rex

PS That bicep is sick! < as is in awesome!

kami3006

I did not crucify her and wouldn't. I was honest and respectful.

tessmcguinness

for context: the youtube channel of the writer
https://www.youtube.com/user/GamerGrl90

goingforahundred

kami3006 wrote: »

I don't think you fully understand what it takes to raise a child with a disability of any kind. While some handicaps are not readily apparent, they still frequently come to light and you will still have to deal with all the offensive comments, fear, guilt, and sadness that comes along with it. I have a child with autism. She is fourteen and sweet as can be but we had a lot of struggles with the very things you are afraid of (i.e. judgmental comments, the long long road of potty training, and severe delay in speech). While she is smart and beautiful there will be struggles every day for her entire life and she will likely never be independent.

I have days when I feel blessed to have such a lovely daughter and lucky that we do not have worse issues and days where I don't understand why this happened. But, overall, I am lucky to have someone who has taught me to appreciate simple joys, uncomplicated friendships, and unconditional love.

While I certainly understand the impulse to give a good home to a special needs child and I do understand there are specific reasons to limit what type of disability one can handle (monetary concerns, lack of specific skills, space, or equipment needed) I cannot believe anyone who loves children of any kind would label a person of any age as one who "looked like an animal, jabba the hut, or picasso painting". A person with the heart to care for special needs would feel more concern for protecting and loving those children than for how they themselves would feel.

I don't know you and I don't believe that one thought, action, or belief makes a whole person bad but I to think that you are not the person to adopt/care for any children as you don't seem to have the understanding of what it means to be a parent.

Volunteer if you can. Learn about them and from them. Then revisit your wants.

I am with Kami on this one. You are not horrible. I commend you for being honest. But, please don't take a child on to raise, especially one with special needs. You see, a parent loves their child so deeply they would never consider the appearance a barrier. There are far more difficult things that you will have to deal with than the appearance of a child, whether or not they happen to have a disability. But, especially if they do.

williams969

I think OP that you are not horrible, but very honest. And yes, thank you to @FatFreeFrolicking for reminding the forum what ACC is. We shouldn't get hung up on "how" OP's feelings are being stated, but rather look at what really is being said--she is honest on what level of disability is what she can handle. She is using words that I KNOW for a fact others think when seeing extreme cases of TCS.

And honestly, TCS people have an enormous range in how their anomalies present--from very mild, almost imperceptible, to the very extreme and frankly, quite alarming and strongly upsetting for many who have never seen it before (please Google Images if you're interested in learning more). That is what I understand OP to be saying--her honesty of not being able to navigate the issues surrounding socializing a child of such high special needs.

If being able to vocalize and understand our personal limitations makes one a "horrible" person, then I guess I'm horrible, too

Farm_Girl_Strong

Honestly I am raising three children with no disabilities that are apparent yet. This is a struggle because that is what parenting is! It's rewarding some days, and others you wonder 'would the zoo consider captivity for these animals?'

I cannot imagine the struggles it takes to raise a child with a disability and very deeply respect those who are.

Being a parent does not end when they turn 18, it is a life long commitment that we enter into.

If you are not prepared to deal with any sort of disability in any spectrum, please think again, perhaps get a puppy instead. I'm not trying to be a cruel person, but I love all children no matter what their issues are, from ADHD to DS to any more intense physical deformities. This is something myself and my hubby were 100% willing to take on when we decided to have children. We even opted out of the genetics testing while pregnant.

Again, please reconsider your true needs you need fulfilled, and beauty you are not wanting a child for selfish, attention seeking reasons.

myheartsabattleground

williams969 wrote: »

I think OP that you are not horrible, but very honest. And yes, thank you to @FatFreeFrolicking for reminding the forum what ACC is. We shouldn't get hung up on "how" OP's feelings are being stated, but rather look at what really is being said--she is honest on what level of disability is what she can handle. She is using words that I KNOW for a fact others think when seeing extreme cases of TCS.

And honestly, TCS people have an enormous range in how their anomalies present--from very mild, almost imperceptible, to the very extreme and frankly, quite alarming and strongly upsetting for many who have never seen it before (please Google Images if you're interested in learning more). That is what I understand OP to be saying--her honesty of not being able to navigate the issues surrounding socializing a child of such high special needs.

If being able to vocalize and understand our personal limitations makes one a "horrible" person, then I guess I'm horrible, too

OMG thank you.

Sinistrous

I'm still trying to figure out if this is a serious post or not.

myheartsabattleground

Sinistrous wrote: »

I'm still trying to figure out if this is a serious post or not.

As serious is Sirius Black.

Cindy4FunFit

myheartsabattleground wrote: »

.. or a child that has to depend on me like a newborn (ie mostly non verbal, when they're of school age and should be potty trained.)

Don't get me wrong. I commend those who have the strength to do all that ! I just don't think I can handle crying myself to sleep nightly; because of how cruel society is, or that I'm so fed up with everything to where I just want everything to go away.

Since you are collecting Internet opinion, You aren't ready, based on your own comments. Try part time work in the field instead. And you have no concept of the strength of those parents or caregivers- they certainly don't waste time crying nightly. They give a crap what society thinks. They are too busy helping & loving someone who needs them more than you can imagine.

FatFreeFrolicking

Cindy4FunFit wrote: »

myheartsabattleground wrote: »

.. or a child that has to depend on me like a newborn (ie mostly non verbal, when they're of school age and should be potty trained.)

Don't get me wrong. I commend those who have the strength to do all that ! I just don't think I can handle crying myself to sleep nightly; because of how cruel society is, or that I'm so fed up with everything to where I just want everything to go away.

Since you are collecting Internet opinion, You aren't ready, based on your own comments. Try part time work in the field instead. And you have no concept of the strength of those parents or caregivers- they certainly don't waste time crying nightly. They give a crap what society thinks. They are too busy helping & loving someone who needs them more than you can imagine.

This is a great idea.

OP: Look into volunteering at the Special Olympics or as a counselor at a summer camp that is specifically for children with special needs.

Working/volunteering with special needs individuals requires a lot of special training and because of that, they are very particular with who they hire.

Please note that there could be children with physical deformities such as TCS and you would need to be able to look past that.