bathing suit shopping
pet1127
Posts: 572 Member
Sewbehind, Helen, posted this on the Nifty 50's board & I hope it gets some laughs here too.
When I was a child, in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one bewb cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of PlayDoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a napkin ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
When I was a child, in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one bewb cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of PlayDoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a napkin ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
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Replies
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Love it!0
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lol I'm not even going to try the bathing suit shopping this year.....Did it last year and it was enough to last for the next 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!Spent alot for bathing suit to get some cups and underwire, cause I could't stand that extra roll that was there that was supposed to be my boobs!!There was enough there already with the other rolls!!
Thanks for sharing very enjoyable0 -
bumping because I am roflmao!0
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too funny.. I have just experienced this. I am going to the beach in Aug and have lost 66 lbs. I am so disappointed in trying to find one0
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lol that was hilarious. I've also found bathing suit shopping worse than ever. I don't understand why they can'y make swimsuits like they do bra's,none of them have enough support for my DD's. Last summer at the beach I noticed this a common problem, even relatively thin women were wearing very ill fitting bathing suits.0
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I thought it was just me having issues finding a good fit since I'm a 36F and I can't get my boobs into that little pocket where you're meant to fit them. I wear a skirted tankini with a sports bra underneath for a DD cup that smashes em flat but at least theyre not falling down. I hate having to wear so many layers to swim! But when it gets hot enough i forget that I care what I look like and just go with it
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LOL! I needed that!0
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Loved it, thank you. :flowerforyou:0
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OP the speed bumps had me laughing on the floor.:laugh:
Thank you0 -
Too funny! Especially since that was me a few days ago. I felt like a sausage being squeezed through the machine only to find out that the casing was too small.
Years ago a friend told me about a shop that made bathing suits to order. I was very skeptical after picking out the fabric as the seamstress didn't even measure me but low and behold, it was the best fitting bathing suit I have ever owned and it lasted for years as the fabric didn't stretch out. I had cups put in and the "girls" never escaped. I had to stop wearing it when I gained weight but am going to try it on again now that the weight is gone. Wonder if the shop is still around.0 -
Ha! I was just shopping for a bathing suit today. No luck! The lack of support for the girls is horrendous, and worse than ever now that I've lost a few pounds. I had much better support in my larger-sized suits than in anything I tried on today.0
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You rock :laugh:0
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Also having trouble finding a bathing suit that fits and looks good. Since I've lost 45 lbs and fit into a size 8 skinny jeans, I figure I can try for (my first ever!) bikini. Now, I'm 41 and have stretch marks from four pregnancies, so I want a high-waisted bikini bottom (one that comes to my actual navel, not perched precariously across my hipbones--try finding that. Then I want a bikini top that covers me like a sports bra--i.e. one that actually provides support for my droopy bosom (after nursing four babies, it just ain't perky anymore!) Most bikini tops seem to be designed to provide about 2-3 square inches worth of coverage--TOTAL. I'd like about a square foot's worth more, thanks! Especially if I'm going to have to pay $50-60 for it. That's like $20-$25 per square inch of material!
When will they design affordable, attractive bathing suits for real women's bodies?0 -
That was wonderful :flowerforyou:0
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I'm getting this from Esther Williams (yes, that Esther Williams) once I hit goal weight:Also having trouble finding a bathing suit that fits and looks good. Since I've lost 45 lbs and fit into a size 8 skinny jeans, I figure I can try for (my first ever!) bikini. Now, I'm 41 and have stretch marks from four pregnancies, so I want a high-waisted bikini bottom (one that comes to my actual navel, not perched precariously across my hipbones--try finding that. Then I want a bikini top that covers me like a sports bra--i.e. one that actually provides support for my droopy bosom (after nursing four babies, it just ain't perky anymore!) Most bikini tops seem to be designed to provide about 2-3 square inches worth of coverage--TOTAL. I'd like about a square foot's worth more, thanks! Especially if I'm going to have to pay $50-60 for it. That's like $20-$25 per square inch of material!
When will they design affordable, attractive bathing suits for real women's bodies?
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LOL. Thanks for the laugh. I still crying from laughing so hard. I have my dream bathing suit hanging in my closet. I am so terrified to see what it will look like. But it is a blue with white polka dots!!!0
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Too funny!
I made the mistake about 5 years ago of buying a very sexy monokini style with a plunge V in front. I couldn't try it on because it was one of those things where I thought I would lose weight and eventually get into it. Well, I did, not realizing that when I finally DID try it on a couple weeks ago, my boobs would be hanging down around my waist. Needless to say I am going to try and sell it since it still has the tags on it. I was lucky enough to find a couple one piece suits with underwire cups that are relatively nice looking and not dowdy. No bikini for me at this point. But I did find and buy another monokini that has underwire cups. I need to lose some more weight for it to look good on me but I am in no hurry.0 -
I lol-ed hard Thanks for sharing! 0
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