Home life is draining me...how to rise above it?

GnomeLove

People like this are like happiness vampires...they don't like other people to be happy and they will try to suck it out of you. Trust me, I knew someone like this very personally. Could you perhaps get a double stroller? I have two kids and when they were younger they would go to bed around 8pm...can you just do your exercise after they are asleep for the night and your husband is home? When my husband was deployed that is how I did my workouts. During the day I would take a double stroller around the block a few times (they loved being outside seeing everything), and then at night I would put them to bed and do my elliptical when I was sure they were zonked out.

This person obviously needs some type of therapy or emotional help. You can try to be there for him if you think it is worth it, but it sounds like you are only hanging on for the kids or because of financial issues. You could get a job outside the home if you wanted it bad enough (freeze breast milk for the daycare)...it is really up to you. You create your own reality with your choices.

Do you have family you could ask for help or stay with until you got on your feet?

ItsCasey

I'm just going to be honest with you because that's what I do. It doesn't sound to me like you want to rise above your situation. Your OP is full of reasons why you can't do this and can't do that. You can do anything, but you won't until you make up your mind that there is no other choice. It won't be easy, but being an adult is just not an easy thing, especially when you have children and complicated relationships. Time to simplify. Get rid of the things that aren't making your life better, and focus your energy on the things that are.

GnomeLove

My sister's husband threatened to kill her and all of her family if she left. She left, got a restraining order, and he has not shown up since. People use threats like that to control you, and you are letting him.

CherylP67

It's hard to understand another person's actions when you haven't lived a day in their life. I'm guessing her boyfriend is emotionally abusive and controlling and her weight loss is a part of her life that she has control over.

I'm thankful that she's reached out for some help, it was probably difficult.

gabbylab

Where do you find motivation and support when you're surrounded by such negativity and emotional lashing? How can I rise above it all and be the person I want to be? Any emotional exercises or avoidance, diffusing techniques? I am willing to hear anything.

I actually find that I am better about taking care of myself in this situation. Taking control, doing something that would make you feel so much better, can be great therapy in tough situations. Wrap your mind around the fact that this is something you can do for yourself.

(((Candi)))
I wish you much luck!!

What?!? No. This situation isn't "great therapy". This sounds dangerous. He's been aggressive and has made threats and there are two tiny children involved. The hell with your ten pounds, get your children and yourself into a safe place. Call family, a friend, a shelter, law enforcement, someone and make a plan. Now. This is the priority. Period.

Pardon me. But I did not say that this situation is great therapy. I answered the last paragraph, which is why I only quoted those few lines. In essence, just answering her question.

Linli_Anne

If you say you can't, then you won't. Yes, it's cliche, but it is the truth.

His choices to be on his meds or not, are his choices and you can not control that. If you believe you can change him, you probably won't.

You life is full of choices - right now you are choosing what feels like the easiest because of many obstacles. Staying put is not the only choice though. Report his actions, behaviours and that he has stopped treating a medical condition which requires him to be medicated. Ask police/local charities/food banks to direct you and your children to a safe house. Make the choice to do what is best for you, and for those precious babies.

_chiaroscuro

Where do you find motivation and support when you're surrounded by such negativity and emotional lashing? How can I rise above it all and be the person I want to be? Any emotional exercises or avoidance, diffusing techniques? I am willing to hear anything.

I actually find that I am better about taking care of myself in this situation. Taking control, doing something that would make you feel so much better, can be great therapy in tough situations. Wrap your mind around the fact that this is something you can do for yourself.

(((Candi)))
I wish you much luck!!

What?!? No. This situation isn't "great therapy". This sounds dangerous. He's been aggressive and has made threats and there are two tiny children involved. The hell with your ten pounds, get your children and yourself into a safe place. Call family, a friend, a shelter, law enforcement, someone and make a plan. Now. This is the priority. Period.

Pardon me. But I did not say that this situation is great therapy. I answered the last paragraph, which is why I only quoted those few lines. In essence, just answering her question.

Yeah I know. And I thought ignoring the clearly more pressing issues wasn't the way to go at all.

Andreaviolet89

I agree with Patsy. The first thing that you need to worry about is getting your kids and yourself out of a potentially harmful situation. After you are in a less stressful environment the weight will most likely just come right off. Stress can have a big effect on your body.

PomegranatePriestess

If what you have written here is accurate, Candi, you need to follow the advice that everyone here has given you. Don't worry about the ten pounds right now. Focus on getting yourself and your children out of that situation. There should be programs somewhere in your area that can help you make a plan to leave him... and the police absolutely have to be told that there have been threats against you and your family. This has to be documented.

You haven't mentioned his family in this at all; does he speak to them? Do they realize he's off his meds? (They can probably tell when he is so perhaps he's avoiding them.) Can you enlist them at all to help you get him back on the meds while you formulate an exit strategy?

Above all, you need to get out of there. Call in favors from any friends or family members. Talk to someone you trust... if you have no close friends or family who can help, reach out to your OBGYN, or your local hospital, a counselor at a school you attended, or anyone who has connections to the kind of programs that can help women and families in danger.

Jackson4590

Just a general question, but why are so many pretty girls stuck w/ d-bags?

missshyeviolett

Get out. Now. What happens when he goes into a manic episode and one of your kids won't stop crying and he beats the child to shut it up? It happens every day. Contact a womens shelter or family TODAY.

GnomeLove

Just a general question, but why are so many pretty girls stuck w/ d-bags?

Probably low self esteem from abusive fathers.

kitsune1989

A lot of times you don't realize what's happening until later. Many if not most abusive relationships start off well until they have you hooked.

RobynLB83

You are in an abusive relationship. The threats of harm to you and your family are likely sufficient for you to get a restraining order. The restraining order can include your children, which will give you 100% custody until he can get it modified through the court. As a domestic violence victim, you will be eligible for different services and benefits. In CA, for example, your landlord would have to waive any fines for breaking your lease, and you could apply for $2,000 through VCF for moving expenses, with additional amounts available for counseling. Contact your local police department for a referral to your city's domestic violence services. There are resources out there for you, you are not trapped, there is a way out, and there are people who will help you along the way.

Danny_Boy13

I have not read all of the responses but in short there are possibly some options for you.

First off the 10 lbs you have to lost will have to come at a later time. I do not think you are ready to move out of your situation if your main concern is more about losing the 10lbs over your families well being. I think you want to get out but not bad enough....but then again I could be wrong but that was my first impression.

Can you not ask family for help? I mean if any one of my family members was in this situation I would be first to offer some assistance. There are programs out there for women that need to get out of situations like yours. They are out there, but you have to find them. Call a local women shelter....that would be a good start. There are possibilities of his threats becoming true but in my experience these are more talk then anything else just to keep you put. If it happens it will happen. You just will have to deal with it if it does happen. Chances are if it does happen it will be towards you.... most threats of this nature usually do not spill out to others outside of the couple.

I have worked some with battered and abused women and from my experience in situations like this it will get harder for you before it gets easier. Moving into a shelter is not an easy thing to do especially if children are involved. Just keep that in mind. More time then not life gets harder... you are missing the father of your children, they will miss him so emotionally it will be very taxing. Just keep in mind the end result of what you want and know that each day that passes you get closer to that goal.

fittocycle

I agree with the others. Get out as soon as you can. Start making a plan to do it. Look up local agencies, scout out friends and family who can help. It might sound silly, but put aside a little money at a time. It could as little as $5 a week from the grocery money. Squirrel it away as much as possible. Every little bit will help.
You sound like a wonderful person who has found herself in a bad situation, one you didn't see coming. Please don't let that fact reflect on who you are. It happens. Just don't give up and don't let those sweet little girls out of your sight.
Take care and I'll pray for your situation.:flowerforyou:

RobynLB83

I have not read all of the responses but in short there are possibly some options for you.

There are possibilities of his threats becoming true but in my experience these are more talk then anything else just to keep you put. If it happens it will happen. You just will have to deal with it if it does happen.

ABOVE STATEMENT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. THREATS OF HARM GENERALLY LEAD TO INCREASING LEVELS OF HARM. WATING TO SEE IF YOU GET HIT BY AN ONCOMING TRUCK AND DEALING WITH IT IF AND WHEN IT HAPPENS IS ABOUT THE MOST ASININE ADVICE I CAN IMAGINE.

Chances are if it does happen it will be towards you.... most threats of this nature usually do not spill out to others outside of the couple.

ALSO NOT TRUE. VIOLENCE TO A DV VICTIM DOES SPILL OUT TO OTHERS OUTSIDE THE COUPLE. FAMILY MEMBERS, FRIENDS, AND DV WORKERS ARE OFTEN TARGETING AND ATTACKED BY ABUSERS, AND STRANGERS EVEN GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSIFIRE IN EXTREMES CASES (SUCH AS WHERE AN ABUSER SHOWS UP AT THE VICTIM'S WORK AND GOES ON A SHOOTING SPREE).

I have worked some with battered and abused women and from my experience in situations like this it will get harder for you before it gets easier. Moving into a shelter is not an easy thing to do especially if children are involved.
Just keep that in mind. More time then not life gets harder... you are missing the father of your children, they will miss him so emotionally it will be very taxing. Just keep in mind the end result of what you want and know that each day that passes you get closer to that goal.

I WORKED IN A DV CENTER FOR 6 MONTHS, AND I HAVE HEARD THE CRAZIEST STORIES. THIS **** SHOULD NOT BE MINIMIZED. IT WILL GET WORSE IF YOU STAY. YOU ARE IN REAL DANGER. PLEASE GET HELP AND GET SAFE.

Shelby1582

He's got to go back to the doctor!!! Meds are so important with disorders like that, especially if he went off of them suddenly. I know this from experience, my husband did and he was like another person. It's scary to make an ultimatum like that but maybe if he thinks you'll leave him he'll get back on his meds and see a counselor.
Otherwise move out! Move in with your family and get a restraining order if you truly are afraid that he'll hurt you.
Another idea is maybe taking some self defense classes? Maybe there's a gym with a child center and you could do a free trial or something. You would be able to protect yourself and get your workout in while relieving some stress at the same time.
My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry! Sending hugs your way, stay strong and always remember you have to take care of you first so you can take care of your kids.

CherylP67

Just a general question, but why are so many pretty girls stuck w/ d-bags?

Because most D-bags are charming. They get the girl and then their ugly side comes out. The girls are usually so beat down from the day to day crud that they can't see the reality of their situation. It's so hard to see the big picture when you are stuck in it.

I'm a former pretty girl who was stuck with a D-bag. I got out of that hot mess, but it was hard.

Danny_Boy13

I have not read all of the responses but in short there are possibly some options for you.

There are possibilities of his threats becoming true but in my experience these are more talk then anything else just to keep you put. If it happens it will happen. You just will have to deal with it if it does happen.

ABOVE STATEMENT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. THREATS OF HARM GENERALLY LEAD TO INCREASING LEVELS OF HARM. WATING TO SEE IF YOU GET HIT BY AN ONCOMING TRUCK AND DEALING WITH IT IF AND WHEN IT HAPPENS IS ABOUT THE MOST ASININE ADVICE I CAN IMAGINE.

Of course the above can be true. How many times has anyone in any situation made threats and they not follow thru? I too have worked with women in situations, my best friend was in this situation like this and a few family member's. I also have family and friends in law enforcement that deal with these situations, family / domestic violence, on a DAILY basis and in their opinion most threats of this nature are more talk then anything else. Are there possibilities that these treats WILL HAPPEN? Possibly, but then again they could not happen. If they do happen then you WILL have to deal with that, yes? How is it asinine to say if / when it happens you will have to deal with it? Example you get in a car accident and are injured. You didn't want for it to happen but it did so you have to deal with it. Same here. Her leaving may or MAY NOT lead to physical harm but if it does that is something that can not be ignored and one will have to deal with it. Thinking other wise would be ignorant or as you said "Asinine"

Chances are if it does happen it will be towards you.... most threats of this nature usually do not spill out to others outside of the couple.

ALSO NOT TRUE. VIOLENCE TO A DV VICTIM DOES SPILL OUT TO OTHERS OUTSIDE THE COUPLE. FAMILY MEMBERS, FRIENDS, AND DV WORKERS ARE OFTEN TARGETING AND ATTACKED BY ABUSERS, AND STRANGERS EVEN GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSIFIRE IN EXTREMES CASES (SUCH AS WHERE AN ABUSER SHOWS UP AT THE VICTIM'S WORK AND GOES ON A SHOOTING SPREE).

Again speaking from personal experience as well as you seem to be, individuals like this makes threats towards family / friends ALL of the time. From my experiences is harm is casued it appears to stay btwn the couple.

I have worked some with battered and abused women and from my experience in situations like this it will get harder for you before it gets easier. Moving into a shelter is not an easy thing to do especially if children are involved.
Just keep that in mind. More time then not life gets harder... you are missing the father of your children, they will miss him so emotionally it will be very taxing. Just keep in mind the end result of what you want and know that each day that passes you get closer to that goal.

I WORKED IN A DV CENTER FOR 6 MONTHS, AND I HAVE HEARD THE CRAZIEST STORIES. THIS **** SHOULD NOT BE MINIMIZED. IT WILL GET WORSE IF YOU STAY. YOU ARE IN REAL DANGER. PLEASE GET HELP AND GET SAFE.

I agree with you that the likelihood of this getting worse is very high and she should seek help as everyone here has pointed out. Point is unless she is willing to move one this is all pointless. She can have all of the resources available to her but unless she is willing to make that move this is all pointless.