How I thought I would feel vs. How it actually feels

mlpettit

I'm about 20lbs from my goal weight, lost about 60lbs so far, so quite far through my goal. I'm interested in how people have found being slim compared to how they thought they would feel. In particular, people who have never been slim (like myself) as an adult, so have nothing to compare it to.
Personally, I expected simply more happiness to just come the more weight I lost, but I found that I still see myself as 'the fat one', and worth nothing more. I also still find that I 'binge' in terms of not feeling in control of what I'm eating (even though I eat much less than I previously would have). I just recognise the feeling, and I'm aware of what I'm doing, but still cannot control it 100%.
I'm also aware that I'm defined in terms of my weight in terms of people complimenting me, like I'm automatically a better person than I was when I was fat.
Please tell me I'm not alone! How do people deal with it?

vchan000

I'm still mid loss, I've lost about 45 of a planned 120. I know I'm smaller, I've lost about 20" across my measurements, none of my clothes fit, and I'm constantly surprised at spaces I can fit into (squeezing by a chair, etc) For all that, looking at myself in the mirror I see the same person I was 45lbs ago, I occasionally feel even fatter than I did then even with my pants falling around my hips or farther. I get it. You are not alone.

As for how to deal with it, when I have a bad day, I log it, and consider it done, and concentrate on the next meal/day/week instead of how badly I screwed up. For the body image schism... one day at a time? I spent a lot of time teaching myself that what others were saying didn't matter. It was nice, but someone telling me I looked fantastic with the weight loss should mean nothing more to me than the twit yelling out the car window "Could you walk any slower porky?" I'm the one who decided to do this. I'm my main motivating factor. As for the rest of the world? F** 'em.

Slightly harsh, but it works for me.

tekkiechikk

Been there when I was younger... lost a lot of weight and expected immediate happiness, that my life would be magically transformed. But guess what? I still had to go to work every day, still had a mortgage payment, same friends, same car. There was no 'happily ever after' affect. This time, however, I'm older and a little wiser maybe. I went into this expecting my life to NOT change but to reap the health benefits and maybe run a 5K at the end of it.

Set goals that don't involve other people but things that will ultimately make you feel happy. Find something each day that gives you a confidence boost. Take a martial arts self defense class for women, or an art class. Put on a pair of your fat jeans and look at your progress- do you want to undo all that hard work?? Eating will only make you happy for the moment- but the guilt and effort it takes to work off the binge that comes after is far worse.

People come and go, but the image in the mirror is ultimately your best friend.

auddii

mlpettit wrote: »

I'm about 20lbs from my goal weight, lost about 60lbs so far, so quite far through my goal. I'm interested in how people have found being slim compared to how they thought they would feel. In particular, people who have never been slim (like myself) as an adult, so have nothing to compare it to.
Personally, I expected simply more happiness to just come the more weight I lost, but I found that I still see myself as 'the fat one', and worth nothing more. I also still find that I 'binge' in terms of not feeling in control of what I'm eating (even though I eat much less than I previously would have). I just recognise the feeling, and I'm aware of what I'm doing, but still cannot control it 100%.
I'm also aware that I'm defined in terms of my weight in terms of people complimenting me, like I'm automatically a better person than I was when I was fat.
Please tell me I'm not alone! How do people deal with it?

At my lowest I was right where you are: 60lbs lost using MFP (100lbs from my highest) and about 20lbs from goal. I was actually at my first goal where I thought I may be happy (but always planned to reassess when I got there). And I still felt really fat. I've since gained back about 10lbs thanks to holidays and issues with binging, but I'm curious how I feel if I ever do hit my goal (which is currently the high end of BMI normal). I have a feeling I still won't be happy with my body by the time I get there.

That said, I'm lifting weights and trying to maintain as much muscle mass as possible since I know that I'm more likely to like my body if I keep the muscles I already have.

cosmichvoyager

The experience of happiness is different for everyone. Not being rude but I'm curious to know why you thought that weight loss or looking a certain way (thin?) would confer the emotion of happiness upon you. Did you learn or were you told this in childhood? Do you see a person with an appearance you strive for and assume they are also happy?

What about contentment, pride, satisfaction; are these emotional states you experience regularly?

SingRunTing

I'm about half way and I just passed out of the obese range and into the overweight range.

I do have to say that I am a happier person with every pound I lose. That doesn't mean that my happiness is all wrapped up in how I look, but looking better does make me feel better.

I've also been doing a lot of work with my mental health during this process (which is the real reason I'm happier now and continuing to get happier). I'm learning to love myself, which is new for me.

But with less weight, I can do more than I used to be able to do. I can run faster and longer. I can do push ups. I want to go rock climbing (which I never had the confidence to do before). I learned how to surf last summer. My body isn't holding me back anymore from the things I want to do.

On the more shallow side, I can wear cuter clothes. I have a shape now! There's a lot of joy that comes with these as well.

But, I'm going to reiterate, I'm finding happiness in these things because I've been working on my mental health. Without that work, I would be just as miserable as I was before.

mlpettit

cosmichvoyager wrote: »

The experience of happiness is different for everyone. Not being rude but I'm curious to know why you thought that weight loss or looking a certain way (thin?) would confer the emotion of happiness upon you. Did you learn or were you told this in childhood? Do you see a person with an appearance you strive for and assume they are also happy?

What about contentment, pride, satisfaction; are these emotional states you experience regularly?

I think probably that society imposes unhappiness on fat people. In one sense, fat people are deemed unhealthy, can't control themselves, gluttonous etc. All these assumptions are made about you if you are fat, and there's no way to avoid it. Fatness is there, in your face, unlike smoking/drugs/drinking. In another sense, I think particularly for women, there's an expectation to look a certain way, and if you don't look that way then you are made to feel substandard. So for me, I assumed that if I was skinny then I wouldn't have these experiences projected onto me, and that would be the end of my unhappiness. Of course, it's not that simple, I was naive.
Now, that I'm finding that it wasn't just my weight making me unhappy, I'm sorting the other areas of my life causing me grief. I'm slowly getting there, but I'm interested how similar other peoples experiences are.

a_stronger_me13

When you base your self worth heavily on your appearance, it's going to be a long road to happiness. If you can learn to appreciate the process and your progress, you'll be in a much better place overall. Happiness isn't a number on the scale, a size on a tag in a pair of jeans, or even a body fat percentage, it's a mindset.

shabaity

The one time I was relatively slim I was stressed sick and angry. So I've decided that slim while a good goal is secondary to things like enjoying and being able to do things like mma on the level I want.

Ohwhynot

I lost 60 lbs twice in my life. Both times, I was never "thin enough" and I never saw myself as anything but fat. How can a woman who is 5'8" and a size 4 feel fat? Well, it happens. Losing weight will not fix anything mental. I agree with what others have said - you gotta feel good about your accomplishments, your improved health, etc.

Sued0nim

Well I've lost 50lbs

but more importantly I've got a musculature and strength I've never had before

so I feel 20 years younger, fit, strong and healthier than I have for a few decades - and I look great

Mustang_Susie

Change your mindset and tell yourself the truth.
You do have 100% control over what you eat.
You alone determine your identity and self-worth.
And you do have worth, everyone does.

retirehappy

"I think probably that society imposes unhappiness on fat people."

That is stinking thinking. Society does not impose happiness or unhappiness. Only you can make you happy, only you can make you unhappy. It is within you. Lincoln said " Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." That is as true today as it was when he said it. I have a lovely cross stitch my Mother in Law did for me that reminds me daily "Happiness is Homemade."

Others do not pay that much attention to you. Even if some rude person made a statement you heard, they have gone on with their lives, you should too. Most people are too self absorbed to really care what you weigh, think, or care about.

I've been fat and I've been thin, neither made me happy. Only I made me feel that way.

I suggest you stop the negative self talk and surround yourself with more positive people, actions, and yeah even some quotes and stuff on the wall. It does effect how happy you feel.

What you have done is great. Acknowledge that and work boldly to complete your goal. Stop using excuses for not getting on with it. In the end, that is what will bring you more happiness. Find a support group on MFP of others about your age/weight and join in, others binge, and get on with it. Others feel fat even when skinny (that would be people like me), but they get on with it. So just do it.

cwolfman13

For me, replace "slim" with fit and healthy...I feel awesome. I'm 40 and I'm healthier and more fit than when I was in my mid twenties. I'm glad to have my old self back.

hgycta

My main weight struggles were when I was in Elementary, Middle, and some of High School. I was never obese, but I weighed a lot more than I liked and was certainly pudgy. In 10th grade I decided to change my eating habits, and by 11th grade I was much healthier, and I've maintained it since (second year of college now).
While I was overweight, people were just downright rude. They made fun of me at every opportunity they got, and I had very few friends. That said, the friends I did have were always there for me and were the best at the time. When I decided to lose weight, I figured I would get more friends, and the mocking would stop.
My experience? Wrong.
Even though I've lost weight, I still experience some passive-aggressive comments (although much less frequently I'll admit). Usually when people discuss food, they'll still make passive-aggressive remarks regarding my weight, and how I'd never be able to understand their struggles since I'm so skinny, and how I need to gain weight because I'm the "size of a child" (despite being at a healthy weight for my height). Also, my good friends from school? Most left me, most got jealous of my healthier lifestyle and stopped associating with me, since they lost their "binge buddy." I've only kept two, really close friends, and they're still by my side through everything.
So all in all, you can be overweight and unhappy, or normal weight and unhappy. People will be mean either way, so you can't truly find happiness until you accept yourself for you. Weight loss shouldn't be about becoming "happy," just about becoming healthier. I've learned to stop letting other people's opinions affect me, and to live life for myself and be there for those who choose to be there for me. The others simply aren't worth satisfying, since you can never do so anyways.

hezemakiah

I hope you can find a way to find some happiness in yourself. You are beautiful and you are worth it!

LAWoman72

When you lose weight, you're still you. You may or may not be happier with your body, but your overall happiness probably won't change. I think people imagine that after they lose weight, a thousand fabulous things will happen. When those things don't happen, there's disappointment.

If you're not happy, you need to work on that.

LoupGarouTFTs

I'm at about the same place as the OP. I've lost almost 58 pounds (I only record whole pounds, so I'm still showing 57 pounds lost) and I have about 20 to go to be where I want to be. I was a miserable obese person a year ago. Very depressed, very angry, if anything went wrong in my life I had a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning, let alone dealing with the problem.

Right now, I am a much happier, much lighter overweight person who can actually see some muscles on her body. I think part of my happiness is a byproduct of the weight loss, but not because of my body shape. My family is prone to chronic depression to begin with and the uncontrolled, undiagnosed, diabetes contributed to my being depressed. I still have some of the financial problems I had, the death of my roommate is still on my mind but is not as fresh as it was. I understand where the OP is coming from. I expected to be happier after losing weight because losing weight would make me happy (how is that for circular reasoning?!) but I had to let go of that notion before I could appreciate the differences that can bring me happiness. I can walk without panting, I can run with my dogs--just short distances, but I had wanted to lose weight for agility with my dogs and that's short distances--I can walk without hearing pounding footsteps, I don't need to lean on the edge of the sink to keep my back from hurting while I do dishes.

OP, I don't know if any of that helps, but you're not alone in a dichotomy in expectations and reality, believe me.

azulvioleta6

mlpettit wrote: »

I'm also aware that I'm defined in terms of my weight in terms of people complimenting me, like I'm automatically a better person than I was when I was fat.
Please tell me I'm not alone! How do people deal with it?

I've lost a bit more weight than you have, but I am also about 20 pounds from my goal.

My weight never determined my happiness or self worth to a great degree, so I didn't expect those things to change.

I did expect to FEEL a lot better physically than I do. I gained weight due to serious health issues, and I still have those. My health is pretty much as good as I can possibly make it at this point, but I still have issues.

The experience has made me realize how much we judge each other based on physical things. I've been a little shocked at how shallow most people are. Even some people who are close to me treat me a LOT better now, and that is kind of disheartening. It has shaken my faith in humanity a little bit, to tell the truth.

I try not to think about it too much.

SezxyStef

I am not feeling much different to be frank. I was happy before, in a great marriage, son is progressing into adulthood, job is good...family (extended) is good...

my weight loss wasn't for happiness it was for health...so I feel more healthy and stronger but it's not just a feeling it's reality.

Francl27

It's a good question. The thing is though... it's not like it was an instant change. It took 1.5 year to go from obese to close to my goal weight. So if there was any change, it was gradual.

It would definitely have been completely different if I had woken up suddenly 80 pounds lighter... but I honestly can't tell you how I felt then, compared to how I feel now. I don't remember getting that worked out over my weight, and my circumstances haven't changed, except I don't play online games anymore and workout.

KarenB927

I've lost about 30 pounds since my last weight gain, which was due to having radioactive iodine treatment to shrink nodules which also shrunk my thyroid. I went from out-of-control hyperthyroid to severely hypothyroid and of course gained weight while we played the "what's the right dose of Synthroid" game. There is about a 50 pound difference from what my weight is now from heaviest I've ever been, in around the year 1998 to 2000. The biggest change for me is now I really like shopping for clothes and I actually LIKE the way I look when I get dressed in the morning. Even though I'm only maybe 8-10 lbs less than before my last weight gain, I carried any extra pounds in my thighs and butt. But I've worked really hard this time around and managed to reduce my thunder thighs and bubble butt, so I'm happier with my overall appearance.

CrabNebula

In some ways I am the same. In some ways, I don't even recognize who is looking back at me in the mirror or who is thinking in my own brain sometimes. I had been obese the vast majority of my life. In some years, easily morbidly so (peak BMI of around 44). Now my BMI is 22.3.

Growing up and into adulthood, I was the fattest in the family, bar none. Now tables have completely turned and they are obese (at least one morbidly so) and I am normal weight. It has changed the dynamic somewhat. I am also frustrated by one family member's attempt to eat himself into an early grave, but I know there is nothing I can personally do about it. I know that nothing anyone would have said to me would have made a single second of difference until I, and I alone, was ready to lose the weight. I feel helpless. It must have been how my family felt about me for so long.

Despite being married, I never really had any serious interest from the opposite sex. When I reached a BMI of 24, decent looking men started to notice and pay more attention to me. I've never experienced this before, so waffled wildly between embarrassment (why were they interested in a landwhale like me?!) and letting it go to my head (I guess I am hot/not a landwhale anymore...). I just now think I have it under control, but I really did not anticipate or prepare at all for the attention. I wasn't losing weight to look hot. I mean, I had a man, so eh. I was losing weight for my health and as a challenge to myself.

I changed in the sense that I also started paying far more attention to my personal appearance. Before I did the bare minimum for the most part. I just felt like I was putting lipstick on a pig to do anything more for makeup. Most clothes did not flatter me. I didn't care about fashion. It seemed to be a waste of time. Now I have a body that looks cute in many different kinds of clothes. Still no bikinis for me, but I look fabulous in dresses now. No more rolls everywhere and tree trunk legs. I don't look like a refrigerator with a dress on anymore. It is liberating. I started wearing some light makeup regularly. I had my hair professionally cut and dyed for the first time in my life a few months ago. It looks fantastic. I finally look fantastic. The confidence that comes from that is incredible and I never thought I could achieve that. I thought I was doomed to be fat forever. I proved myself wrong and I've never been so happy to do that.

lemurcat12

rabbitjb wrote: »

Well I've lost 50lbs

but more importantly I've got a musculature and strength I've never had before

so I feel 20 years younger, fit, strong and healthier than I have for a few decades - and I look great

This. I actually found that losing weight changed how I felt way before I actually lost it, because the fact that I was doing something about it and especially that I was active and focusing on what my body could do, vs. how it looked, changed my mind-set even when I was objectively at a weight where before I'd felt bad. There was just an added confidence and feeling of being in control.

OP, I'd recommend maybe trying to find a focus on something besides the scale or mirror, but also realizing that self-confidence isn't about weight but within you. Even when I was at my fattest and feeling terrible vs. how I felt now I still already felt tons better than when I was average weight but incredibly insecure and scared of everything (as a teen or even in my early 20s) or when I was trying to drink myself to death. Lots of that is really something to come to terms with for yourself, not something that how you look will determine (since it's easy to always think you aren't good enough, no matter how ridiculous others would find it).

It's a hard struggle for many, though (it was for me), so I wish you all the best and know you will get there.