How to deal with judgmental relatives?

thisismeraw

Lose weight.

Lose weight to make her relatives happy? The ONLY reason to lose weight is for yourself and not for anyone else.

Pelly57

This is tough. First, like others have said, show up, give your great-grandmother some love, avoid those who hurt you and leave when you feel uncomforatable. Also tell those who hurt you that they did, calmly, don't make this occasion about you.

Second, realize that often family feel the need to INFORM you about what they think is lacking. In many cases this is done out of love/concern. It is filtered through their own beliefs and may be completely invalid for you. Separate these people from those who are just being plain nasty. (your grandfather sounds like he really does care)

And finally, you may be completly off base about how your family views you. After my dad died, my sisters and I had a great discussion about who was dad's favorite. We all had different opinions, so who knows, maybe there wasn't a favorite after all. (those favored cousins may feel much like you) On the other hand, the same discussion when my mother died had a completly different outcome, we all knew who her favorite was.

Cyclingbonnie

I know this is hard, I've lived it! If you basically get along with your family go, when people rag on you calmly tell them you are doing great thank you very much. Families don't always realize they are abusive.

In my family it was completely acceptable to pick out someone and belittle them. In my family it didn't stop with the grandparents, the parents did it too. I was a stick when I was a kid and I was constantly told to eat more, "you are too skinny to be healthy." When I went through puberty and became a little more round, suddenly I was constantly told I was fat. My mother put me on every crazy diet craze that went on in the early 70's. So at 13, I was doing things like eating nothing but meat and grapefruit. Tell me was that healthy for a 13 year old child? Let's forget the damage to my ego. Every holiday meal would be ruined with my Maternal Grandfather suggesting I should not have a second helping of anything this year. Or my Paternal Grandmother going on and on about how adorable my younger sister was, too bad I couldn't wear those kind of clothes. I got it from both sets of grandparents and my parents too. My siblings learned that it was okay to make fun of me too. If I objected I was told to get over it, no one would know the difference a 100 years from now.

Although I loved and love all of these people I know now that their vision of me became my vision of me, and that was not good for me. I had to separate from them, I was able to work out things with my mother before she passed away, and I've tried to work things out with my father ... but to no avail. We currently aren't on speaking terms, because he isn't good for me. My siblings that have woke up are in my life the ones that haven't are not.

MinnieInMaine

I agree that it sounds like they're pushing your buttons and looking for a reaction. Not sure how you usually react to these comments but I would come up with something smart or witty to say.

The idea of the lesbian commune is pretty hilarious but might be a bit over the top if you're not comfortable with the situation as it is. If you're anything like me, trying to go that far out of your shell will just make you all nervous and stammery and you'll blush like crazy and make the whole thing more weird and awkward. However, I really love the idea of a response that thisismeraw posted - something along the lines of "I haven't met the right person yet" or "I'm focusing on my studies right now".

As far as the weight comments, that's kind of tough because they may have a rude comeback no matter what you say... So I might just think about taking away his power in that case by making yourself the joke instead of letting him do it. If he starts to move to poke you, do a block and say "hey, no messing with my insulation, I need that!" or something to that affect (I'm not great at wit but you get the gist)

PlayerHatinDogooder

Lose weight.

Lose weight to make her relatives happy? The ONLY reason to lose weight is for yourself and not for anyone else.

I didn't say that but perhaps I was't clear?

I told her to lose weight, which I'm assuming is her goal. Her relatives remarks all appear to be centered around the fact that she's overweight. I had comments like that when I was over weight and when the weight came off the comments stopped.

The remarks are annoying but relatively harmless. I'm telling OP to stay focused on her goals.

jennifershoo

Seriously?!!! You're 17 yo, 5'2" and 115lbs. Stop caring so much about what people have to say about you.

jennifershoo

Lose weight.

Lose weight to make her relatives happy? The ONLY reason to lose weight is for yourself and not for anyone else.

I didn't say that but perhaps I was't clear?

I told her to lose weight, which I'm assuming is her goal. Her relatives remarks all appear to be centered around the fact that she's overweight. I had comments like that when I was over weight and when the weight came off the comments stopped.

The remarks are annoying but relatively harmless. I'm telling OP to stay focused on her goals.

If you had taken the time to click on the OP's profile, you'll see she doesn't need to lose weight. AT ALL.

MG_Fit

:laugh: This is hilarious, in a good way.

My grandfather (bless his soul) would tell me growing up that I was a lover not an athlete. Perhaps he couldn't see well because my profile picture was from HS. I would say I was neither.

My grandmother (other side of the family) would poke my stomach and say "puttin' on a little weight there Dru-san." Then giggle to herself.

Father would tell me I need to get bigger shirts. Brothers ... well we all knock on each other


Bottom line for me, is that it never bothered me. I knew I was over weight, but I loved life. And that's not to say I don't love it now, I'm just at a different point in my life. Soon to be 33, I realized that I don't have the best genes and eventually I'm doomed (high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes and stoke all run in my family). And honestly, God's gonna bring me home when it's my time anyway. But while I'm here, I'll make the most of it. Training, at this point in my life makes me happy. It's also nice to hear my gma say that I'm looking better and my father to acknowledge the work I've put in :bigsmile:

PlayerHatinDogooder

Lose weight.

Lose weight to make her relatives happy? The ONLY reason to lose weight is for yourself and not for anyone else.

I didn't say that but perhaps I was't clear?

I told her to lose weight, which I'm assuming is her goal. Her relatives remarks all appear to be centered around the fact that she's overweight. I had comments like that when I was over weight and when the weight came off the comments stopped.

The remarks are annoying but relatively harmless. I'm telling OP to stay focused on her goals.

If you had taken the time to click on the OP's profile, you'll see she doesn't need to lose weight. AT ALL.

BflSaberfan

It took until I was in my 30s to realize that just because someone was blood related did not mean you are in any way obligated to accept their toxic negativity. I've stopped communicating with some members of my family because of the way they made me feel. I wish I would have learned to do that at a much younger age and it would have saved me many years of tears and frustration. Once my children were older was when I realized that blood or not there are certain types of people I dont want around my kids.

x_cinder_x

Dealing with toxic family is the worst. Do you have a friend that can go with you? I always liked to use this tactic. There is nothing better then having someone you actually like to hang out with by your side when faced with people who suck.

Summerxx13

Thanks for all the replies guys