Confession: I have a terrible attitude towards food

Woodspoon

Not entirely sure why I feel the need to confess this this now or to a load of complete strangers, but I have a terrible attitude towards food which I'm fairly sure is borderline eating disorder, it's not that I dislike it, I love it, but at the same time I just don't want to eat it or eat as little as possible.
I'm fairly sure I'll get some grief from people for this but, I need to say it, just to get it out in the open and admit it to myself, yeah I know silly.
Friend's I would normally talk to are out of town and family will just make matters worse by trying to be too helpful and watching everything I do, so here goes.

I've been watching what I eat relentlessly for 36 months, first 9 months were a proper diet and dropped 6.5 stone and I've been watching ever since.

I'm 175 cm tall weigh (depending on day) 130 - 137 lbs.
I regularly eat under 1000 cal's a day, apart from one day where I eat what I want feel guilty and spend the rest of the week trying to work it off or cut down on what I eat elsewhere.
I also burn at least 4000 cal's per week at the gym on cardio, but that's mostly because I enjoy it.
I'm very aware it's a ridiculous thing to do and causing me all sorts of problems, mood swings, injury's and such, but there's a constant voice in my head telling me there's no excuse to not keep trying to do better or lose more.
The other side of this is that I'm fully aware of what I'm doing to myself and why, which has resulted in my first weekend away from the gym in months, hiding the scales and this post, in an attempt to get my head straight.

I'm not sure what I'll get out of this post aside from helping to organise my own thoughts.
All I'll say is this has taken a lot to put into words from me and I've almost hit the cancel button several times, so please consider any reply's before being too harsh

Please don't ask me to open my food diary, I won't, and it's pointless, It's my attitude that is all screwed up not my logging