How do you deal with feeling unattractive?
kerussll
Posts: 39 Member
I've been working on improving myself for quite a while, and weight loss is a big one for me. I'm not technically overweight, but I fluctuate within a pound or two of the cutoff. I want to be healthy and happy, but the weight I want to lose is mostly cosmetic. I'm bigger than I used to be, and I don't feel good like this.
Tonight my fiancee and I got into a conversation that really upset me. He knows I would like to lose about 10 pounds. We started talking about his friend who would like his wife to lose some weight. My fiancee's position is that nobody wants to be with someone who is overweight and "lazy." He says everyone is at least a little bit shallow, and that's just reality. So I asked him if it would be a problem for him if I gained some weight, and is my weight affecting his level of attraction to me. He responded by saying "I'm not going to answer that trap question." which to me is a big fat YES. I explained that I already feel pressured to lose weight and feel unattractive, and this talking about how terrible it is to have extra weight adds more pressure to me and makes me feel worse. This ended unresolved for now, but I just find his attitude super depressing.
Am I being overly sensitive? Is it unrealistic to want him to be attracted to me no matter what I weigh? Or at least lie to me and tell me I'm as beautiful as ever?!
I want to lose this weight for me, and the feminist in me hates the idea that I might need to stay trim to keep my man's interest.
Tonight my fiancee and I got into a conversation that really upset me. He knows I would like to lose about 10 pounds. We started talking about his friend who would like his wife to lose some weight. My fiancee's position is that nobody wants to be with someone who is overweight and "lazy." He says everyone is at least a little bit shallow, and that's just reality. So I asked him if it would be a problem for him if I gained some weight, and is my weight affecting his level of attraction to me. He responded by saying "I'm not going to answer that trap question." which to me is a big fat YES. I explained that I already feel pressured to lose weight and feel unattractive, and this talking about how terrible it is to have extra weight adds more pressure to me and makes me feel worse. This ended unresolved for now, but I just find his attitude super depressing.
Am I being overly sensitive? Is it unrealistic to want him to be attracted to me no matter what I weigh? Or at least lie to me and tell me I'm as beautiful as ever?!
I want to lose this weight for me, and the feminist in me hates the idea that I might need to stay trim to keep my man's interest. 0
Replies
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Why would you want him to lie? Of course gaining a lot of weight is going to change almost everyone's level of attraction to their significant other, only the amount of weight to cause a change, and how they deal with it really differs much...0
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10 lbs??? Are you kidding me??? Kick the A Hole to the curb and walk... What is he 13??? Sorry you deserve much better than that.0
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Try not to take things too personal, look at it from an objective view, when my boyfriend and I have discussions like this he always tells me he supports me no matter what but I know deep down he would like it if I were in more tone shape, some men are just not as impeccable with their word and don't know what to say, now I am not taking his side at all he should have said something supportive, however, you also cannot just make an assumption from a non-answer. Try discussing the topic again, sometimes people come up with better things to say when they have had time to think about the topic. We have all had those moments were later on we think "Man I should have said....". When it comes down to it you have to be happy with yourself, if you feel that you need to get in better shape DO IT FOR YOU!0
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You don't feel good about yourself, that is self imposed pressure. He is being honest with you. If you want to lose weigh then lose it. If it bothers you that he wouldnt be attracted to you if you gain weight then dont be with him. He is being honest about.0
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He says no one wants to be with someone who's overweight and lazy. You ask what if you became overweight and lazy. I don't get it0
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You don't feel good about yourself, that is self imposed pressure. He is being honest with you. If you want to lose weigh then lose it. If it bothers you that he wouldnt be attracted to you if you gain weight then dont be with him. He is being honest about.0
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It really isn't a fair question, especially considering the direction the conversation sounds like it was taking. There is no winning answer there, especially for him.
I am not defending the "Shallow Hal" in him, nor the "Honest Man" you would want him to be... but you're right, extra weight would apparently bother him.
My Xhusband had some issues with my weight, but it wasn't like he ever said anything. Or at least it wasn't like he said anything while I was carrying extra weight. After a dramatic weight loss of 20lbs and an absence of 6 months, he confided in me after a few minutes of intimacy.
There is so much damage that can be caused to a relationship when one person is prepared to be honest but the other person is not prepared to hear honesty.
I repulsed him when I was carrying the extra weight. It validated all of my fears and insecurities more-so in that moment, than the several years before that moment that I had carried the extra weight. He never really did understand what the big deal was, I mean I wasn't heavy anymore, and I looked great... so why was this "opinion of how I was" such a big deal??
Yeah. We never had sex again. It was a big deal. I stayed much longer than I should, even after being told I had "repulsed" him.
Now, mind you, when I say I was 20lbs overweight.. I was still active duty in the Army and "fit" by their standards. I was not on the Overweight Program, and I made my body fat tapings each time. But I was a little fluffier than I had been when we had met, dated, and yes, even married.
The thing you should concentrate on is learning how to love yourself, void of other's opinions. It is hard to do. I still have not mastered it. But you cannot chase an imaginary number, or someone else's opinion of how big or little you should be.
Well, you can chase it..
but if you are busy chasing that unicorn when will you have time to chase happiness?
I hope that helps...
Be healthy.
Be happy.
Be.
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Sorry major red flag! Do.you plan on kids with this person? Is he expecting you to not ever have any extra weight? (Even temporary baby weight) The for better or worse part means that too. True, it's been my experience that a lot of men ( not all not even most) have a "no fat chick" policy...but those people ...ask yourself what do THEY bring to the table in times of strife?0
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In the kindest way possible, you knew that was going to be his answer, so why ask the question? After stating that everyone is a bit shallow he was clearly going to say something along those lines, why back him into a corner and ask him that question? I say this from experience. Why not lose weight for yourself?0
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I have similar experiences with my husband, but even without him telling me that he would like me to be thinner, I know he does, and actually so do I. It is not a rejection of who you are, but a simple opinion voiced in a conversation that was steered that way. I am sure he loves you at any size. That being said, it can eat at your confidence, but you should no let it. Your weight is just one aspect of who you are, and he knows that! If he forgets, remind him.0
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I think yes.Am I being overly sensitive?Is it unrealistic to want him to be attracted to me no matter what I weigh?
This is subjective but a majority of peoples levels of attraction are affected by physical qualities...not all but the majority.Or at least lie to me and tell me I'm as beautiful as ever?!
Depends is dishonesty a dynamic you are looking for or just a bit of tact.I want to lose this weight for me, and the feminist in me hates the idea that I might need to stay trim to keep my man's interest.
Well lose it for you but realistically I find that most relationships are full of compromises and well I don't find making the extra effort to look good for my partner an issue because I love them. I find it disheartening when people's relationships disintegrate because complacency sets in.
You may go out of the way to look good to capture someone's attention initially but why is it wrong to keep looking good to keep their attention.
Love thyself but remember there is more than one person involved concerning your situation.
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Also can't help myself...
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10lbs is not much weight at all so the first place to focus might be on yourself and why it's such a big deal. You're within a healthy weight range and if you're active and don't eat junk all the time then maybe accept this natural progression. If your lifestyle is unhealthy then make steps to make it better and watch the weight disappear.
As for your conversation, it did sound like no one was going to come away from it happy as the questions were loaded and kind of focussing only on him - what if he gained weight? However, we are talking a measly 10lbs - the man you want to spend the rest of your life with is struggling with the (potentially natural) weight gain of his I'm assuming 20-something year old fiancée. You're not going to stay physically the same: what about pregnancy? What about multiple pregnancies?
Go back and talk to him again. If you'd love him at any size, tell him. But if you wouldn't, then expect the same judgement in return. If you don't feel like this 10lbs shouldn't be such a big issue then say as much. If you want to lose the weight, do it for you but tell him you'd like support with it (e.g. you both eat healthily and cut out the junk).0 -
10lb really isn't a huge amount...I can gain and lose 7-8lb just from water/periods/the hell of it...
Maybe you should concentrate less on the scale and more on shaping?
Men are not always the most tactful. And that was something he was never going to win. I should definately point out that if you are planning on having a family together, you ARE going to gain weight, is that going to bother him?
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My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl0
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I think you put your boyfriend in a difficult position with that question, because you both know the answer you wanted to hear, so he was left with the options of a) lying to you or b) upsetting you. Neither of which are going to go down well, because if you have low self esteem you're unlikely to accept compliments even when given unprompted.
Are you sure you're both talking about the same thing when you discuss weight gain/being overweight? When contemplating the future, there's a massive difference between a changing body shape and some fat gain for a healthy pregnancy and giving up on all exercise and gaining 3 stone from overeating.
I think you might have been a bit sensitive, because like you say, you want to lose a bit of weight because it affects how you view your appearance. He could've been more tactful, but at the end of the day you should lose weight for yourself, not because your fella might fancy you more. I kind of read it as you asking him hypothetically would he be less attracted to you if you put weight on, not that he thought you were fat and unattractive now?0 -
This is a tough one.
I can see your fiancees reasoning for hitting the breaks on that conversation, it definitely puts you in the "this is going nowhere good" area. He may not have realized you were so emotionally invested in the conversation until you parallelled their relationship to your relationship. I agree with him that most people are a little bit shallow (heck I would have no complaints if my husband decided to lose 20 lbs and get a 6pack, but that does not mean I need that, I don't love him, or I am not attracted to him as he is).
Reading your post I think you have alot of insecurity about your body and might be thinking your fiancee thinks those things because YOU do, maybe he doesn't. When something is bothering us it is really easy to project our feelings into other people, but you have to stop and decifer wether they are actually feeling/thinking that way, or if you just read the situation that way because thats how you are feeling.
I do not see anything about him pressuring you to lose weight or making mean comments directly to you. If that were the case then that would be sending up red flags.
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Get a journal. Not being snarky..Actually, get a journal. Write your thoughts down there, privately, instead of here and instead of putting it on your boyfriend. When I ovulate, I'm a freak. Writing in a journal is the best thing I've done for my relationship ha.0
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Oh my! You're underweight and he calls you chubby???FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
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FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
There is so much wrong with your post.
"Korean people" aren't all obsessed with physical appearance. Your generalization is stupid.
"Thus all the plastic surgery" is a ridiculous stereotype that has no bearing in reality.
If he calls you fat in a pejorative manner, then he is being an *kitten*, so it makes sense that it bothers you. But it sounds like you expect this because he is Korean, which is weird.0 -
I guess if you really want to know how he feels about you, gain 10 lbs.
I'm currently smaller than when my hubs and I started dated. He tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what but whatever I want to do to feel good about myself, he'll be there for me. Your man should be concerned about your health and wellbeing, not your dress size.0 -
4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »This is a tough one.
I can see your fiancees reasoning for hitting the breaks on that conversation, it definitely puts you in the "this is going nowhere good" area. He may not have realized you were so emotionally invested in the conversation until you parallelled their relationship to your relationship. I agree with him that most people are a little bit shallow (heck I would have no complaints if my husband decided to lose 20 lbs and get a 6pack, but that does not mean I need that, I don't love him, or I am not attracted to him as he is).
Reading your post I think you have alot of insecurity about your body and might be thinking your fiancee thinks those things because YOU do, maybe he doesn't. When something is bothering us it is really easy to project our feelings into other people, but you have to stop and decifer wether they are actually feeling/thinking that way, or if you just read the situation that way because thats how you are feeling.
I do not see anything about him pressuring you to lose weight or making mean comments directly to you. If that were the case then that would be sending up red flags.
I agree with this post 95%. Except, I don't think it's "shallow" to like the way human bodies look when they're healthy. I would like to have a 6-pack and I'm working towards that. If my fiance told me I look better than before, and she is more attracted to me physically; it wouldn't be shallow, it would make sense.0 -
healthygreek wrote: »
Oh my! You're underweight and he calls you chubby???FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
I think they have a different attitude in Korea, plus Korean girls are probably tiny. My sister lived in China for a few years teaching English and was told she was fat. They don't see it as a huge insult there like they do here.
As for asking your boyfriend, he might've assumed you meant if you gained like 50lbs. I expect if you gained 10lbs he wouldn't even notice. I think you're feeling down anyway and you're just projecting your feelings onto your boyfriend.
I've been with my husband over 12 years now. I was thin when we met, then gained some when I did teacher training, then lost it for our wedding, and since then I've had 3 children, gained weight in pregnancy,then lost it after each child. My husband has always been attracted to me, even at 41 weeks pregnant when I resembled a beached whale!0 -
My husband and I had this conversation before we were married. He lost 100lbs in his early twenties before I met him. We both agreed that if we got too fat we would just lose the weight.
Fast forward 7 years and 2 kids. We both put on 50lbs. I'm working on losing the weight. He isn't. I don't love him any less and he is still handsome to me. And seriously, if you plan to have kids, you'll have less sex anyway. They are a bigger impediment to a physical relationship than being fat.0 -
FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
Wow. He sounds delightful.0 -
Motivation is key, if he wants you skinnier he should be motivating your goals - Not shunning your enthusiasm - You are not being overly sensitive something like that would really upset me..
I have left and re-joined this site so many times because I'm not very good at doing the journey alone.. And I want to lose a stone and a half, which in my opinion takes a lot of time and motivation.. With a boyfriend who simply won't breach the subject incase he upsets me which i don't entirely blame him for, we need extra support..You lose that weight for you, but make sure as you go you don't find your body image decreasing instead of feeling worse because of the pressure
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There is so much more to this question than answering yes or no or stay or go. It sounds like you've got a lot of introspection and learning to do. He even tried to avoid the question to not hurt you and you were hurt anyway. I'm not sure whom of you two I pity most.0
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When you find the one for you, they will love you no matter what. My husband sees me as beautiful no matter big or small. I see him the same way, he is the most handsome man in the universe no matter what. I truly believe that when you are with the right one for you, you will only see the best in them.0
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Your boyfriend sucks.FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
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This discussion has been closed.
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