My story

Belle8312

Well, it's 2015. Here I go again. I think I have been a member on this site since 2008-2009 and have re-started about a dozen times. Let me rewind a bit so you can understand my story from the beginning....(thank you in advance to those that read this, it's a novel!)

I was active duty military from 2001-2013. Absolutely loved it. When I got stationed in Maryland in 2005, I was riding the happy with everything in the world high. And then it came crashing down. My fiancée at the time cheated on me and our engagement ended. I had no friends, and no family close by. I started binge drinking and binge eating, sitting at home every night and every weekend doing nothing more than clearing out my DVR and eating. Now being military, we are required to work out and pass PT tests (the amount per year vary depending on what branch you're in). So even though I was eating like crap and drinking, the mandatory 3 days a week working out offset everything. Then I encountered some work situations that sent me into a tailspin. I dealt with some co-workers that were extremely racist and started making my life a living hell. And I made the dumbest decision I have ever made. I didn't do anything about it. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I didn't report it. I just let it fester and grow into a hatred that resulted in me going to McDonalds every day on the way to work, and crying as I'm downing my large iced coffee and two breakfast sandwiches.

This is when I started putting on the weight. Our unit stopped making PT mandatory, and we were told that we were all adults and that we should work out on our own. Well, guess what? This girl didn't even try to pretend to go to the gym. That's when it really got bad. I hate to say it, but forcing me to work out was what I needed. I had no motivation to go anywhere or do anything, let alone go to the gym. While I was gaining weight, I never really felt like I was fat or looked bad. Then came the PT test. And I failed. And for any of you military or prior military, you know that puts you in a not good situation. Well, I failed a couple more times and then got forced to work out with on of the PT leaders. What happened? I dropped 20 pounds and killed my PT test. Yay, right? Well yeah. Until you realize you don't have to PT test for another year and you don't care anymore. So gained the weight back. Failed another PT test. Got reprimanded. I didn't care. I was absolutely miserable, and the PT test failures didn't even contribute. Then, I finally got a break. I deployed. And as soon as that deployment was over, I moved to California. Which is where I am from. Hallelujah!

2009 moved to California. Happiest day of my life. Worked in a terrific unit, had great supervisors who mentored me and took notice of what great things I was capable of accomplishing. Great, right? Well yeah. Except for moving to an area where you don't know anyone and everyone you work with is married and you're the outsider that isn't really included in anything. So what did I do? Got back into old, bad habits. Not working out, eating too much and eating crappy food and drinking. Passed a couple of PT tests over the next few years. And that is only out of pure luck, getting put on medical profiles because of injuries here or there and couldn't really complete the whole PT test so I would get medically passed. Towards the end of 2011 is when things for me and my career were really going down hill. I just didn't care. I felt alone and unwanted and didn't care if I passed a PT test or not. Didn't care if I had to go see the commander at least once a week to get reprimanded for my PT failures and to turn in a weekly log of what I had been doing for my workouts. My supervisors became increasingly frustrated with me, and while we had a wonderful relationship up until that point, it just ended. My supervision was upset with me and knew I had so much potential, but knew that there was nothing they could do. They gave me all the time in the world to go work out during the work day, anytime I wanted, I was allowed. Offered to work out with me, but I was embarrassed because I knew I couldn't keep up. Final straw that broke the camel's back.....failed a PT test at the end of 2012 and was told by my leadership that they would not allow me to reenlist. Basically, within 6 months I would be out of the military. All because I had gotten to the point where I just didn't care about taking care of myself and my career. So I played it all off, told everyone that I got out because my enlistment was up, yada, yada, yada. Everyone bought it. Some people said I was crazy, because I was only 8 years from retirement, but a lot of people understood it, the military has changed quite a bit from when most the people I know had joined and a lot of people were getting tired.

So, I got out. Got a job that was 10 minutes from my house and loved every second of it...well, for the first 3 months anyways. Then I started working 14-16 hour days, 5 days a week. Sometimes working a Saturday or Sunday. Never had time to work out or eat well, barely had time to go home and give love to my pets. However, my weight actually stayed the same. Probably because I worked in a building that was almost a million square feet and I walked anywhere from 10-15 miles a day in that building. But the hours were starting to kill me. So I found a new job. Working 8-5. Literally, 8-5 Monday-Friday, with no weekends or overtime. FANTASTIC, right???? Well yeah, if I was motivated. I have gained 25 pounds since Thanksgiving, and even though I am doing my best to eat better, it's very few and far between that I am actually at the gym. I get a burst of motivation for a couple of weeks and kill it. Then I get bored, stop going and go back to the way things were.

I am 222 pounds, and I have never been this heavy in my life. Ever. 6 years ago I was 145 pounds and the happiest about my body that I had been since I was 18! I want to get back to that. I NEED to get back to that. I just don't know how to fix it.

Hopefully this will be the time I do.
Why did I give up? Because I got lazy.
Why do I need to change this? Because I can't do this anymore, I can't keep feeling like I am worthless and feeling like crap all the time!

Thank you to whoever reads this and/or comments. I'm not really writing this to have a ton of people comment and make suggestions. I think I just needed to get it out there, so that if there is anyone who feels the same way I do, know that you aren't alone.

We all have a story, whether other people understand it or not.

branflakes1980

Sometimes, all we need is to just get it all out! I wish you the best of luck, and thank you for your service!!

sofaking6

I think the biggest lesson for you is not to choke down sadness or depression anymore. I know how much emotional pain can cost you if you don't deal with it, and I think making that post was brave and awesome.