Why are you so mean?

DaneanP

Now that I've gotten your attention...and you're welcome to those who just yelled BINGO!

All of these recent posts from people talking about how mean some other people on these boards are got me thinking. (All the men just went, "Uh oh.") And I wish there was a way to take a poll here but if you all can answer this question, I think the results might be interesting.

How do prefer to gain information/knowledge on a subject?

1. Just give me the facts. Do not sugar coat it.
2. I am a sensitive person so I'd prefer it if you told me the truth in a gentle way
3. I am a crusty old fart/broad and have tried everything so I don't care how I come across
4. I prefer confirmation bias
5. I just like to stir up trouble and post things in order to do so
6. I'm just so hungry that I'm cranky/emotional/weepy and anything you say will hurt me
7. Other (feel free to add your own category).

Yes, you can be a combination of these answers.

Also, what advice would you give someone who might take your post style the wrong way?

carliekitty

I prefer google

NoIdea101NoIdea

I prefer people to take the hard line with me. If i ask "what do you think of X?" or "will X work?" and people disagree with me or tell me it's a dumb idea, i listen to them. However, if people are going to tell me something is a bad idea, i want to know why it is a bad idea.

People just saying 'your idea sucks' is not enough for me; tell me WHY it sucks!

Otherwise, i struggle with motivation so need people to take the 'tough love' approach for me. Also, i am aware that that is the method i take when approaching other's questions or queries. I don't sugar coat, but i always try and explain my point of view, and i am usually very good at agreeing to disagree!

DaneanP

NoIdea101NoIdea wrote: »

i am usually very good at agreeing to disagree!

I think this is key. I see threads really disintegrate when people keep digging themselves deeper and deeper. Sometimes it is better just to stop being defensive and either take some time to think about what the opposition is saying, do more research, or just let it go.

As for the comment about using Google. Yeah, I do that too. But I also keep in mind that I can get a Google search to confirm just about any whack-a-doo notion I can think of. Just because something shows up on a Google search, doesn't mean it is the truth.

999tigger

I do my own research as thats part of what I do for a living. If I were to ask a question on here, then id like the answers to address the issues id raised and tell me as clearly what their answer is and why, backed up with some decent supporting reasons/ articles if appropriate. An answer should further your knowledge and understanding. I dont need sugar coating or affirmation because im not in a fragile/ sensitive state, but understand some people are. In that case its still important they get the right information so they can make better choices, but its important to be supportive as well.

If someone took my post the wrong way, then they should explain why. id hate to upset anyone properly rather than just arguing over a point. I advise and problem solve for a living. Im happy to debate a point within reason, but I like the other person to be rational and logical.

AJ_G

Do your own research, it's not that hard. If you're not willing to do your own research, listen to those that did the research and read the sources that they cite.

jenncornelsen

i like to think im #1. but truth is it took a bit to get used to some peoples blunt responses. but now i know the blunt ones are usually the ones who have been doing this the longest and have heard all there is to hear. so i take it with a grain of salt but i do take them seriously. i can occasionally be a bit blunt but i try to give personal examples as to why i feel that way. sometimes though im just HANGRY lol!

cj94404

I think civility is the key. Making a snarky comment because you think it is cute or funny doesn't seem helpful. Just because the internet is rife with rudeness doesn't mean that should the standard. I get it sometimes. The writer might think the person posting is whining or too self serious and you might want to poke at that a bit but written humor doesn't always play well. Sarcasm in RL can work in a conversation but it seems to add nothing here.

HumboldtFred

herrspoons wrote: »

Because some of the whiny princesses* on here really need a slap. That's why.

*princess is used as a gender neutral term here.

What he said!

It's the nature of these forums.

If I am on a homesteading forum everyone seems so polite an helpful it makes me want to puke. On my aviation forums its a bunch of techo-bable and a big pecker measuring contest. On my motorcycle forums it is a big garage full of friendly guys trying to help each other. On fishing and hunting forums it is split into groups of like minded folks trying to help each other without giving out the secret spot. On here there are those that are doing, those that have done, and those that are trying to get motivated to do. People will rank themselves into a hierarchy and act accordingly. Pack mentality at its finest.

DaneanP

herrspoons wrote: »

I'd argue that there is another category on these forums: People who have no intention of addressing the issues that made them fat or of taking consistent action to resolve them, but who like to whine and moan about all the obstacles that are in their way even though people with much bigger crosses to bear do just fine.

You can extrapolate this even more than just these forums. I run into these folks all the time in my work. In very general terms, they lack coping skills and insight into their own situations. They feel victimized and don't seem to realize that they are their own worst enemies.

I understand we are not therapists here and many of these issues are best resolved with a good therapist. But we ARE trying to help people here, right? I mean....even the tough love is meant to help give a wake up call or a swift kick in the patoot to get people to that "aha!" moment that seems to elude them and therefore keeps them from their goals. At some point we reached that "aha!" moment too, right? Some of us probably still struggle with flawed thinking patterns when the stress is high.

So if sugar coating isn't working. And tough love only drives them deeper into the flawed belief systems they embrace or causes them to run away completely. What will work?

Maybe nothing. I know I've pondered this question many times after a hard day working with families that seem to spiral down the same drain over and over again. What ultimately is the best option for reaching these people?

MelodyandBarbells

DaneanP wrote: »

herrspoons wrote: »

I'd argue that there is another category on these forums: People who have no intention of addressing the issues that made them fat or of taking consistent action to resolve them, but who like to whine and moan about all the obstacles that are in their way even though people with much bigger crosses to bear do just fine.

You can extrapolate this even more than just these forums. I run into these folks all the time in my work. In very general terms, they lack coping skills and insight into their own situations. They feel victimized and don't seem to realize that they are their own worst enemies.

I understand we are not therapists here and many of these issues are best resolved with a good therapist. But we ARE trying to help people here, right? I mean....even the tough love is meant to help give a wake up call or a swift kick in the patoot to get people to that "aha!" moment that seems to elude them and therefore keeps them from their goals. At some point we reached that "aha!" moment too, right? Some of us probably still struggle with flawed thinking patterns when the stress is high.

So if sugar coating isn't working. And tough love only drives them deeper into the flawed belief systems they embrace or causes them to run away completely. What will work?

Maybe nothing. I know I've pondered this question many times after a hard day working with families that seem to spiral down the same drain over and over again. What ultimately is the best option for reaching these people?

I think.... There can be a misconception that the first conversation has to end in complete resolution. So even the people that are right tend to go on and on and it's like Geez you're not really helping here anymore. I've probably oft been guilty of this but point is, sometimes the first conversation simply sows a seed. The person thinks you're a *kitten* idiot there's no way you're right and what you've said will work. Then they go about their business. Two days later, someone they know randomly says the same thing. Three weeks later, the alternative path they took falls apart. Four weeks later they're independently noticing patterns that.. HOLY CRAP THOSE JERKS WERE RIGHT!!

At least that's my theory, anyway. Just share the info the best you can, and heck, if the person isn't receptive, maybe the dozens, hundreds or millions of lurkers will be

The other way of looking at it is that this is a discussion forum and not every post will necessarily be geared at helping the OP and may go on long after they might find it helpful

DaneanP

Excellent points, Jane. And that is a very good way to think about it. I really like the "sowing a seed" and the reminder that there are lurkers out there who may benefit more than the OP. Thanks for that.

I think the wine from last night's dinner was making me overly philosophical!

999tigger

Im always mindful of the lurkers, hence I think its right where poor or unsafe information is being propogated, then it needs to be pointed out.

arditarose

carliekitty wrote: »

I prefer google

This. I research. If I still have questions, I either ask my friend's list or I make a post with specific questions based on the research I've done. I admit, I can be sensitive-but I am quick enough to nip some things posters respond with if they are completely false, there are a lot of lurkers on here and we don't want false information spread.

randomtai

carliekitty wrote: »

I prefer google

Yup.

zyxst

randomtai wrote: »

carliekitty wrote: »

I prefer google

Yup.

+4 (I think I'm four?)

I'd rather find out info myself before asking any question. After that, it's gif time.