How to deal with unintentionally discouraging friends!?

jiigglybutt

This is a vent also...
(oh and disclaimer, I am TERRIBLE with writing and even speaking and I'm sure my thoughts will be all over the place.)


I have a friend, he and I have been going on and on about working out together and losing weight - not exactly "together" but he do his thing and I do mine, like a friendly competition, ideally to motivate each other to do the best we can.

We have been procrastinating until about two weeks ago. Well he simply told me he was going to do this diet that is going to guarantee he lose 30 pounds in a month. Well, first I will say, he is probably 6 feet tall or so, and a tiny bit chunky. He is not overweight though as he does PT regularly with the Army, he just fell out of shape a little over time. I am not sure how much he weighs, but my point being - I just don't picture a healthy way of losing that much weight that fast for a guy of his average height and weight, if that makes sense.

So back to my story, he mentioned that diet, and of course I really badly want to lose some weight so I asked him about it, but he simply said "Don't worry about it because I'm not gonna tell you". I assumed it was unhealthy right away, but I was still just curious. He never told me.
I haven't seen him since we started two weeks ago. He stopped by tonight and he was looking pretty good. His face was definitely not as round and he lost a lot of his belly. He told me he lost 25 POUNDS SINCE WE STARTED!!! Just TWO WEEKS! I was joking around saying "you're still fat!" and he said "better than you!! how much have you lost?!" But I haven't weighed in yet. But still I know I didn't lose even remotely close to 25 pounds, and if I did, I would be more worried about it than excited because that just doesnt sound right!! He said now he is averaging losing a pound a day. He lost more weight when he started and now it is starting to slow down.

He still didn't tell me this "diet". All I could say in response to that was "there is no way that could possibly be healthy for you in the long run..." He didn't have anything to say to that but he was just constantly boasting about losing so much.

As for advice... I am not quick to think of things to say to him. He is very obnoxious most of the time and always has something to say about everything, whereas I am awkward and quiet and keep most of my thoughts to myself. I can't come out with the intelligent words to say to him as he is boasting. (I would never ever succeed a proper debate.)

Of course it is also very discouraging when my "exercise partner" acts like he is losing weight so amazingly, blah blah, etc, etc. I would like to think that once it is visible on the outside that I have been cutting back on my over eating and working out every day, it will remain that way longer and be easier to maintain. But of course everyone wants what they want as soon as they can get it so I can't help but be discouraged at his quick weight loss and I don't know if I want to either say f*** it and give up, or overdo it and stop eating and exercise until I feel like dying....!!!

vent over!

LiftAllThePizzas

Stop tying your motivation to someone else's success?

Comparison is the thief of joy.

usmcmp

Sounds like you should be calling him your former friend. And as was already stated, stop worrying about others and focus on you.

JenAndSome

Just break up. No, really. Why are you friends with this person? Just focus on yourself and your health and weight loss. It shouldn't be a competition and you know whatever he is doing is not healthy or sustainable. Why are you letting it get to you?

Smallc10

Just because your 'friend' is doing something doesn't mean it is the right choice for you. Sure, we would all like to be at our goal weight today, but that doesn't mean that's the healthy way to do it. Crash dieting like that can have some serious side effects and it isn't really sustainable so you don't usually keep the weight off for very long. Slow and steady wins the race. It took you a long time to put that weight on and it is going to take you a long time to take it off. It's all about creating a new, sustainable lifestyle so you don't get to a weight and then balloon back up the moment you start to relax.

Just ignore him.

Rocketqueeen

I don't think this sounds at all like a motivational relationship. The competition sounds mean and his boasting isn't helping you feel good about yourself. Getting healthy should make YOU feel happy. Not like you have to keep up with someone who is clearly not doing the right thing. It kinds of brings to mind my ex husband. He was an MMA fighter and would need to cut weight right before a fight or tournament. He would literally fast for 24 hours not even drinking a sip of water...taking multiple salt baths throughout the day, extreme exercise for at least 6 hours of that day (he owned a gym) and would cut down 10 pounds in one day! Granted it was water weight and it would go right back up the moment he ate but still. Just doesn't seem healthy. 25 pounds in two weeks is no different.

TheRoseRoss

The little that you've shared, this friend sounds like the type that lifts themselves up by putting others down. They're so insecure that they're accomplishments don't mean anything to them unless it's held up against someone else's struggle. If this person is a part of your life for whatever reason, my advice is "don't give the prick the satisfaction." My "go to" is either "kill em with kindness," or "kill em with silence." I wouldn't bother trying to explain to him that he's losing too much weight too quickly, because to him it's only going to appear as though you're jealous and trying to burst his bubble. Perhaps keep your responses brief. If he says "I've lost another 10 pounds," calmly reply "How much more do you have to go?" He'll give you an answer, you reply "Cool. Good luck," and move on to another topic.

If he condescendingly asks "and how much have you lost?" You could reply by being slightly dismissive: "I haven't been keeping up like I should. I'll let you know," and move on to another topic. Don't tell him how great he looks. Don't tell him how great he doesn't look. He seems like the type that wants and needs an audience to recognize his "accomplishments," so your best bet is probably to deny him of that as diplomatically as possible.

Dezfit702

Keep it up by doing it the right way! You can then rub it in his face when you can keep the weight off cause you did it right & he gains it all back doing it the wrong way. *evil laugh*

itstimeRK

Find a new exercise partner. He sounds toxic.

amusedmonkey

I have a friend like that who boasts constantly about things. not weight loss per se, but I understand what you are talking about. The trick is to be more amused than you are affected. Just don't let it get to you and do your own thing. I usually let him have his small victories. Stressing about it is not worth it, and putting him down is not worth it. If he is constantly putting YOU down and you feel you can't just shrug it off, you don't have to say something clever. Just firmly say something like "I don't appreciate it when you do so and so and if you want us to remain friends please show some respect". In most cases those people are being "playful" and are not aware that they may be hurting you, so either learn to accept him for who he is or confront him with it.

bigd66218

His diet is not a secret, low calorie and nearly no carbs. How do I know his diet secrets? I tried the same diet over a 10 day period and lost 9 lbs. After those 10 days, I couldn't sustain the constant hunger and weakness. Competition between people is O.K. if it is friendly. This guy sounds like a jerk, he feeds off of your insecurities to boost his ego. Dump him as a friend, he's not supporting you!!