do you find you are having to deal now that you are not overeating?

brenn24179

I really would rather just eat and run away from problems but here goes. I use to go out with a group of friends I work with for dinner, one of them is a bully and got mad and decided she was not going to ask me to go out again with the group and excluded me from the group.

I tried to talk to the others (about 10 yrs ago) and one said well we can go out separate with you. Gee, no one wanted conflict. I wanted them to confront her and say no one is excluded, if you don't like a particular person talk to the others. Well they did nothing, they continued to go out and have a jolly ole time for last 10 or so years without me.

It was hurtful but I moved on with other friends and life. Well today I got an email from one of these gals to come to a dinner as if nothing had happened. I cant believe they would not stand up for me and after all these years wants me to come on back like nothing happened.

I haven't decided whether to reply (don't even know what to say but that they should have not allowed this and I was worth some confict) or just ignore the email and know that I deserve friends who will stick up for me. They just let her throw me to the curb.

Thanks for letting me vent, any suggestions?

Solamer

Sorry that happened to you. My first thought is 10 years is a long time to hold on to something like that. If you have new friends and really don't care about any of your old ones, then just ignore it; no harm there. I don't see any harm in reconnecting though either. If they still seem like bad friends, you can just disconnect again knowing you did all you could... but wouldn't you feel better just letting it go?

kalbo798

I didn't quite follow all the way through, but if someone excommunicated me for 10 years and then reappeared in my life pretending as if nothing happened, I likely wouldn't respond. Wouldn't hold a grudge, just would have moved on. 10 years is a long time.

sarapopefitness

I probably wouldn't reply. Or, if I did, I would state that they made their choice long ago to treat you in a way that a friend shouldn't and you do not need or want their friendship. Something that is just matter of fact, without heavy emotions or rudeness. Take the high road

jenncornelsen

that would be hurtful. i would respond but tell them why u were hurt. it might feel like a weight is lifted to finally voice your piece

KelGen02

My Mom always told me that I must have overslept the day God handed out that filter that allows people to hold their tongues. Not that you can do anything about it now, but I would have asked them what the problem was when it first occurred. At this point its the same thing, I would tell them/her/him how you feel. If you want to reconnect, it is not fair for you to just suck it up like it never happened as obviously it still bothers you. You be gracious in your wording but I would make my feelings known if there was going to be this re-connection. 10 years is a long time to work together with nothing being said. If you don't want to reconnect, the best thing you can do is forgive so that you can move on without hesitation.
Good luck to you!

beamer0821

ignore/delete the email without a response and move on with my life. you've lived without them for 10 years why bother they don't sound like they valued you.

brenn24179

thanks so much for the replies, didn't expect so many, thank you. I did ask what the problem was, they don't like conflict, they think the problem is between me and her. They said they know she is a bully. They said they said something to her, tried to get her to be different but yet they continued on going out and going out without me. I said why don't we all go over and talk with her, they said I am not getting into it. (I guess she is overbearing and they are scared) I guess I realize they weren't that good of friends or just cant handle conflict but I need friends to stick up for me

jenncornelsen

i would not go with them then. if this bully is still there it is not worth the stress to add her back into your life. it doesnt matter how many friends u have as long as the ones u do have are good ones.

tulips_and_tea

brenn24179 wrote: »

thanks so much for the replies, didn't expect so many, thank you. I did ask what the problem was, they don't like conflict, they think the problem is between me and her. They said they know she is a bully. They said they said something to her, tried to get her to be different but yet they continued on going out and going out without me. I said why don't we all go over and talk with her, they said I am not getting into it. (I guess she is overbearing and they are scared) I guess I realize they weren't that good of friends or just cant handle conflict but I need friends to stick up for me

Wow, sounds like she is the "leader" and they are her faithful, wimpy followers. I'd say you don't need any of them. I also liked @KelGen02's response.

DirrtyH

Do you still work with these people and see them regularly, or was that a past job? Are these people you used to be friends with and haven't seen in years?

I guess I'm thinking... if you see them every day and they continually exclude you, then if it were me I would probably ignore it. "Bite me" might be an appropriate response.

But if these are people you haven't seen in a long time, they could just genuinely feel bad and want to reconnect. Can't hurt to try.

brenn24179

no I don't work with them now. We kind of grew up together, married, kids, etc. They want to connect but they would treat me the same way, cant trust them. I guess I they want their cake and eat it too. I guess they have a different mindset, don't think they have to get involved. Geez I think I have answered my question, guess I have grown, I need friends who will be there for me, trustworthy

brenn24179

I also had moved on but geez got this email out of the blue and it unsettled me

DirrtyH

Sounds like you made up your mind. You do what you feel is best, you know the situation better than anyone. But my two cents is that forgiveness is good for the soul. Don't be anyone's doormat, but if you have the opportunity to mend fences, do it.

brenn24179

I will forgive but don't want to be foolish. Cant handle the chummy dinners, friends who wont stick up for me but phone calls, small stuff is fine. I might respond with a sense of humor like someone said, and say is it ok with your leader? or just ignore and let it go, it is what it is. Have to accept they are whimpy friends and that is hard for me to be around. Maybe some people could handle it but it is an important trait to me. My husband is not a whimp, my Dad was, I hated it.

cwolfman13

After 10 years, I'd probably just ignore it entirely...it's been 10 years...WTF?

brenn24179

I love MFP, yep I took a step, replied to the email I said Have you asked your Leader Cathy if it is ok for me to come, lol, ha ha. I decided to use a sense of humor approach and if she has excuses, that is ok too. I can now let go. Thank you thank you. Nothing has to change, I just needed to say something for some peace.

brenn24179

Also, I don't plan on going. I need friends who stick up for me. Ya have told me I deserve it! I have so much self respect since losing my weight.