The "You're Getting Too Skinny" Naysayers

Jess_Rip

Hi all, first time poster. Hoping for some ideas on responses to someone I'm close to that instead of helping me celebrate my success, constantly throws out statements like "you are getting too skinny", "you barely eat anything", or "be careful you're getting obsessed with this and don't want to develop an eating disorder".... etc.

I'm currently at 163lbs, but she's always known me (10+ years) at 180 or above. The past 5 years have been closer to 200. She sees me eat all the time (we work together). She always comments I don't eat enough - but trust me according to MFP I do (and sometimes more).

I started a Couch to 5K program because I currently am at Fitness level 0 and wanted to start somewhere. That led to the "you're getting obsessed" comment.

She's always been trim and is 20 years older than I. I really don't think her statements are coming from jealousy but my getting healthy is definitely making her uncomfortable somehow. And I also know she means no harm, but her comments feel like little jabs and I do mentally question myself for a second. Like maybe I don't need to keep going I'm fine as I am? If that makes sense.
I lose a little motivational steam (and don't feel as bad reaching for cake).

So, any tips on how to deal with this? Or what I can say to shut it down? I do deeply care for this person.

Any help appreciated.

millej49

It's really hard to overcome people when they offer negativity, and it affects different people differently. One way you might be able to "shut it down" could be to show her what you've eaten (such as your diary). It's kind of personal, but when on paper it's really easy to see exactly how much you've eaten (which is why it's really effective for weight loss). Also, being honest with how her comments make you feel will help her understand your point of view. And last, just remember that this community is a support system and that everyone here understands where you're coming from. As long as you're healthy and happy, then you keep living your life as you are.

agreenid

I had an ex who used to sabotage my attempts to get healthier comments/tempting me with things I shouldn't have been eating etc. Turned out he was very worried that I would lose the weight and lose him--people are afraid of change and that may be something she's worried about. If you're watching what you're eating you may want to go out less or do the types of activities she's used to doing with you. You might be making new friends who are into getting fit etc and she feels left behind.

Sit down with her and thank her for her concern. Tell her you know that she's coming from a place of love but that she needs to stop commenting on it if she can't be supportive. You're getting healthy for you--and doing it the right way, making sure you're tracking what you're eating so you're eating enough and that you want to start exercising so that you can do more things/be around longer. When she makes those comments, let her know she's making you feel bad. "I know you don't mean to but you're really hurting my feelings here. I know this is a change and adjustment for both of us but I want you to please trust that I'm doing the right thing for me."

I hope it helps--I know it's hard.

fairy2b

Ohhhh GAWD this drives me NUTS!!! My dad is like this. I was so proud and excited when I dropped to the 150's and called him and his only response was "Noooo, don't lose anymore weight, you're doing too much." It sucks because you want to share your achievements with people you love but for some reason change is hard for some folks watching us transform. Who knows why. Maybe it reminds them that they are not in the best health, or are lazy, or just don't want to pursue better fitness. Maybe they just like you the way you are and seeing you change makes them uneasy. I have found more support from strangers online than from people who I considered close friends and family! It's funny how that works!

I think you just have to not give a *kitten* when all those naysayers try to bring you down. This journey is about YOU and as long as you are feeling good and confident, don't let others persuade you otherwise!

Bj0223

Sit down with her and thank her for her concern. Tell her you know that she's coming from a place of love but that she needs to stop commenting on it if she can't be supportive. You're getting healthy for you--and doing it the right way, making sure you're tracking what you're eating so you're eating enough and that you want to start exercising so that you can do more things/be around longer. When she makes those comments, let her know she's making you feel bad. "I know you don't mean to but you're really hurting my feelings here. I know this is a change and adjustment for both of us but I want you to please trust that I'm doing the right thing for me."

This is perfect. Be honest and direct.

gypsyish

Maybe say something along the lines of, "thanks for your concern, but my doctor has approved my diet and exercise routine".

booksandchocolate12

People don't like it when you change because then they have to adjust their perception of you. If you were always "the fat friend" and now you're not fat, what does that make you? She has to change the way she thinks of you, change your place in her world and that makes her uncomfortable.

I would just say, "Next time I want your opinion, I'll tell you what it is".

sympha01

Gotta be honest -- a lot of times when people say this it's because people who are trying to lose weight demonstrate behavior that really does make people worry (skipping meals or eating so lightly that someone would not fail to notice), or we actually do talk about weight loss efforts a lot/ way too much. That is obsessive, it's concerning to people who care about us, simply annoying to people who don't particularly care, and it's super common.

I've lost <170 lbs: more than half my bodyweight. I've worked hard, and it shows. I'm no longer obese; I'm barely overweight by a couple of pounds. I have visible muscle definition. But I only talk about it here on MFP, and with people IRL who ask me about it (because, sure, that happens). And generally with people IRL I'll talk more about my fitness goals and achievements than dieting or weight loss ones, or when responding to direct questions about dieting I'll usually respond that it's really just a matter of "keeping a food log so I don't overeat so much like I used to." Of course it's more complicated than that -- but ultimately that's all it boils down to, and it's not constructive to showboat about the details that worked for me (and that might not work for someone else's lifestyle or preferences).

Everyone who's aware that I'm losing weight knows I'm going slow at this point. They see me eat food; some people see me eat a lot of food sometimes. I give people who care about me evidence every day that I'm not in fact doing anything unhealthy. Sometimes someone IRL will ask if I'm still losing weight (or "accuse" me of still losing weight), and when I say "yes, I am," they might ask me when I'm going to stop, or once in a very great while they'll say something like "But you really don't look like you have much to spare." To which I reply as offhandedly as I can manage "well, I'm still clinically about 5 lbs overweight. I know I'm eating a healthy amount of food at a very slight deficit. Weight loss is super slow at this point, which is all according to plan. There's no hurry to change anything, so we'll see how it goes" and shrug my shoulders. Shuts that conversation right down.

Frankly, I feel pretty bulletproof from being accused of being "obsessive." What I'm saying is, maybe make some effort to not encourage the conversation to go there. Demonstrate your non-obsessiveness.

2marsh

Everything that everyone else has said here is totally valid, and more to the point than what I'll add, but I'll throw this in just in case:
How tall are you? What's your frame size/muscular make up?
I'm 5'10", have a large frame, and am pretty muscular in my lower body. Truthfully, at 163, as much as I hate to admit it, I have to restrict a little too much to maintain in a sane way. I'm healthier at 168 or so - small difference, but I feel it. It's where my body wants to be.
Your post was really about how to deal with others' reactions to weight loss, and the previous responses have been right on. Just responding to the "maybe I'm fine as I am." Maybe you are?

amgreenwell

It is especially hard when this is coming from someone you care about. If ignoring the comments is not enough you may just want to tell her that they are making you uncomfortable, that you are trying to achieve a healthy lifestyle and you are doing it in a way that is smart. Maybe she can join mfp and see your progress and track her own. I am sorry you are having to go through this! Remember, you have support here and you are doing what you need to do to improve your life!! Don't let others get you down, this is for you!!!

Jess_Rip

Thanks all, very valid points and good ideas. I don't bring it up as I know that can get annoying. We both work together in a position where we only see people every so often though, so when they see me 10 or 20 pounds lighter and have their 'you've lost weight' reaction, it gets brought up. But I don't preach as I kind of don't like the attention. And after reading your stories do think it is a case where she has just been happy with me the way that I am so she's confused as to why the change.

2marsh I'm 5'6". My goal is to get to a healthy BMI (155lbs) and then from there anything extra from working out will be bonus. But I'm never one to obsess on the numbers (just the clothes I want to wear with confidence! ).

seltzermint555

sympha01 wrote: »

Gotta be honest -- a lot of times when people say this it's because people who are trying to lose weight demonstrate behavior that really does make people worry (skipping meals or eating so lightly that someone would not fail to notice), or we actually do talk about weight loss efforts a lot/ way too much. That is obsessive, it's concerning to people who care about us, simply annoying to people who don't particularly care, and it's super common.

I've lost <170 lbs: more than half my bodyweight. I've worked hard, and it shows. I'm no longer obese; I'm barely overweight by a couple of pounds. I have visible muscle definition. But I only talk about it here on MFP, and with people IRL who ask me about it (because, sure, that happens). And generally with people IRL I'll talk more about my fitness goals and achievements than dieting or weight loss ones, or when responding to direct questions about dieting I'll usually respond that it's really just a matter of "keeping a food log so I don't overeat so much like I used to." Of course it's more complicated than that -- but ultimately that's all it boils down to, and it's not constructive to showboat about the details that worked for me (and that might not work for someone else's lifestyle or preferences).

Everyone who's aware that I'm losing weight knows I'm going slow at this point. They see me eat food; some people see me eat a lot of food sometimes. I give people who care about me evidence every day that I'm not in fact doing anything unhealthy. Sometimes someone IRL will ask if I'm still losing weight (or "accuse" me of still losing weight), and when I say "yes, I am," they might ask me when I'm going to stop, or once in a very great while they'll say something like "But you really don't look like you have much to spare." To which I reply as offhandedly as I can manage "well, I'm still clinically about 5 lbs overweight. I know I'm eating a healthy amount of food at a very slight deficit. Weight loss is super slow at this point, which is all according to plan. There's no hurry to change anything, so we'll see how it goes" and shrug my shoulders. Shuts that conversation right down.

Frankly, I feel pretty bulletproof from being accused of being "obsessive." What I'm saying is, maybe make some effort to not encourage the conversation to go there. Demonstrate your non-obsessiveness.

every word of this!

hmrambling

1. Why worry about what *they* say?
2. See #1

What other people think is not my business. If I'm happy with being fit, I'll keep doing what I'm doing.