Compassion or co-dependence (enabling)

APeacefulWarrior

If you have a loved one who seems to be floating down the river of denial as to how their eating habits and lifestyle are contributing to their health problems, where is the line between compassion (acknowledging their pain/discomfort/etc and letting them know you feel bad that they don't feel well) and co-dependence (enabling their behavior by not doing anything to help them acknowledge that they have problems or to help them change what needs to be changed).

The situation is this - someone close to me weighs about 340-350 lbs ( they were down to 310lbs two years from over 400lbs ten years ago). At 5'7", that is a tremendous amount of weight to carry, and because of knee and back pain, their activity levels are decreasing exponentially. I've suggested seeing a dr and requesting a CT scan or MRI to see if something more serious is going on, I've also tried encouraging better eating choices, setting a good example, and trying to get out and do things, but I'm being told that I'm being heartless for not just being compassionate and telling them to rest and take it easy. The situation has been going on for weeks now and it's really becoming more and more difficult for me to just sit back and say nothing. What would you do if you had to watch someone you love making bad decisions? I know they ultimately own their decisions, but I'm at a loss.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts...

lessismoreohio

I'm in a similar situation. I've come to the conclusion that I can only help the other by taking care of myself and being a good role model. It is powerful when others see you making good eating choices, exercising, getting enough rest, etc. At the end of the day, people don't change their behavior until the pain of not changing exceeds their fear of change.

Lourdesong

I would think the line between compassion and enabling might be where the former you don't validate what isn't valid, and the latter you do validate what isn't valid.
Demanding the latter isn't demanding compassion, imo, it's manipulating someone to be an accomplice.

APeacefulWarrior

Thanks for your input - I'm really having trouble understanding the mindset of expecting sympathy and compassion when a person is almost irrationally refusing to take any responsibility for how their lifestyle contributes to their health issues, and pain. The part that really confuses me is that they are actually looking forward to having to depend on others for their every need, qualifying for a wheelchair, and ending up in a nursing home. I just cannot wrap my brain around anyone actually wanting that type of life.

For now, I guess I just keep trying to set a good example. At the very least, if I AM forced into a caregiver role, I'll be in the best possible shape I can be to handle it.

Thanks for the opportunity to voice my concerns and get some input.

bunsen_honeydew

Nope. do not be forced into care giving. Make that utterly clear to them right now.