How do you deal with self esteem issues?
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Hey all,
This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
I'm not sure that I have any tips or advice, but I do want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. When my boyfriend talks about Avril Lavigne or Angelina Jolie being hott, I get so flustered because I do not look like them. When I mull it over in my head, I think that because I look nothing like them, I am not desirable enough to him.
Now, I have to add this. My boyfriend has my portrait tattooed on the inside of his arm. Clearly, he isn't going to run out away with a hott movie star. I just want you to know, that even with that kind of affirmation, it's still hard not to think, ugh I don't look like them
Here's my million dollar advice-- google any of those stars that he likes and type in "without makeup" after their name. You will see for yourself that you are just as gorgeous, if not MORE gorgeous than them (: You are beautiful!
:laugh: That's a pretty good idea. Thank you0 -
You can build your self-esteem if you accomplish some personal goals. They could be anything that make you feel good, from taking a class at a local college to planting a garden to running a marathon to volunteering for a charity. These things give you a sense of self-worth and accomplishment and get out of your head, hopefully. It's a life process for some of us. It's good that you recognize it.
I like you! Solid advice.0 -
Remember to be kind with yourself. You are so much more than what you look like! If you're already on MFP, you're taking steps to have a happier and healthier lifestyle, which is worth much more than a silly Google image search! 0
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The reality is that everyone looks, even those who deny it. Some are more overt than others. It's natural. So is feeling insecure in comparison to the 'fantasy'.
The thing is...
your guy isn't likely comparing you to these women, he's just looking at eye candy. You're comparing yourself to those women.
That's what you have to work on.
When you start comparing yourself to these so called perfect women, stop yourself short and remind yourself of all your good points, not just your physical ones.
Can't think of any? Start making a list when you're not feeling so down on yourself. Ask your friends to name something good about you. Ask your guy to tell you his favourite thing about you, physical and not.
Positive reinforcement is a powerful thing.0 -
I have great eyes that are an odd shade of gray blue and a nice smile.
This made me smile Look for the positives, tell yourself how awesome you are, respect and love your body. Because its yours, and it is awesome. Start thinking of all the things that make you you. You are not your pants size, you are not your diet. 0 -
By your photo I cannot understand your insecurities my daughter looks around your age and is the same way. Here is what my father always told me. You can never control anything but your own mind. If someone is going to cheat that is there weakness not yours thats their control issues not yours. There are so many BEAUTIFUL people in this world how could a man or woman not look. Shoot I pick out women for my boyfriend to look at on the street. People are interesting and striking. You are just one of many beautiful people in the world!!! BTW men are very visual that does not mean he will stray! Hang in there your a beautiful girl..0
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I've had some serious self esteem issues too, and I have for as long as I can remember. I think these types of problems are one of the hardest to overcome. I have a fantastic boyfriend who compliments me all the time, but I always have to retort with something negating what he just said- it's like a nervous reaction. So I get how difficult it can be to not think that way.
I've found identifying the source of the problem can help. For example, I was teased a lot for years throughout school. Not necessarily for my weight, but that stuff sticks with you. For me, it morphed into me beating up on myself. I sometimes feel like I'm letting a 15 year old kid be "mean" to me. I often remind myself that I wouldn't let a 15 year old order me around, so I try to silence that voice in my head.
Try to think about why you feel this way. Look at yourself in a positive light, the way you would your best friend- you'd never ever say nasty things to your friend, so why should you say it to yourself?
Also, a big thing for me was to realize that just because someone else is pretty or "hot" it doesn't mean that I'm not- especially to my boyfriend.
I hope this helps. I still struggle everyday with these things, so feel free to add me if you want! 0 -
In the long run you will have to practice shutting that voice up in your head that says you are not good enough.....I thought that when I lost this much weight I would be "happy with myself", but the only thing I realized is that I am thin and can still pick out a million things I dislike about myself in the mirror if I let myself go there. I had to spend quite a while changing the negative talk into positive talk and it took work after years of belittling myself and hating who I was to change that. It came down to realizing that I was worth a lot more than I gave myself credit for back in the day.
Hope you find peace with this.0 -
KKclif--Insecurities is something buried deep within oneself and in order for you to overcome it you have to work on it. Like anything else in life it will take some perseverance. It does not have anything to do with others around you at this time but if it continues it can thrust you into a unhealthy relationship. My personal suggestion is to look at yourself daily(in a mirror) and find something you like about you. Whether it be your smile, hair, teeth,(physical attributes) etc. You have to pour into yourself positive thinking daily. There are many things we as women like about ourselves that we take for granted because we try to compete with what society thinks we should look like. These so called sex symbols have insecurities of their own because they think they are never good enough. Let me warn you however when you begin to work on yourself and realize your self-worth(rid the insecurities) you become so empowered. This will help you realize that you can do anything you put your mind to.....LOVE yourself like no one else.0
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I felt that I had to post because I have a similar problem. I'm always thinking that I'm not good enough , mainly because I put on 3 stone since being with my Boyfriend. There is always that worry that he doesnt find me as attractive as he used to. (even though he tells me he does.) He's also (as much as I love him) AWFUL at throwing out compliments. I cant count the number of times I have worked really hard to look fantastic for a night out or something and he doesnt say anything. No 'your beautiful' or 'wow you look stunning' or anything. Sometimes I might get a 'you look nice.' lol
Honestly, my biggest issue isnt trust. I trust that he wont stray... but I don't trust his friends. My boyfriend is one of these that is easily led... I cant trust that his friends wont lead him astray by taking him to a strip joint and paying for a dance. :-/ It's almost unbearable to think about.
What a lot of people have said is true... Men will naturally look... but as long as its only window shopping then its fine. We both need to learn to shut out the voices in the head that tell us we arent worth it... because we are!0 -
Grrr...why can't I post an image?!
If we treated others as poorly as we treat ourselves, we would not have any friends...0 -
It's a guy thing - my hubs looks up people all the time, heck sometime i do. My hubs married me when I was bigger, he's never "disliked" me because of my weight (he wants me happy & healthy - if that means smaller or bigger, he doesn't care).
Try to not let things like that worry you too much, yes, I know it's painful to thing he looks at someone else, but if that's all he's done. It's nothing to worry - now, if he starts doing more than looking online, then worry.
It's hard, oh trust me, I know. But it's ok
And how do I deal? I go kill some dragons .... watch me some Ponies ..... hit the gym .... and sometimes punch him (lightly) when he's too much of an inconsiderate *kitten*. Plus, sadly.... I don't look in the mirror at myself, strange.... but what can I say - I am strange.0 -
Yikes, some of the replies you're getting are way off base (and others are totally right). Men will always love to look at women, and if they don't, then you don't really have a shot with those ones anyway.
But that's besides the point. I suggest that you focus on working out right now (#1). This is beneficial in so many ways in ADDITION to getting your body to where you want it to be (to the point where your boyfriend will be saying "Halle Berry who??") Exercise is its own kind of therapy. Also, keep eating healthy (#2). And #3 is to recognize that it's totally normal for you to think that way (trust me... my sister and I just had a huge conversation about all the "crazy" things we've accused guys of in the past.) I've found that it gets better with age. No worries, girl! 0 -
I deal with self esteem issues by remembering that the only measuring stick I need to worry about is me. I try my best to measure everything I do against where I was/what I have done rather than judge by using other people. Whenever I think about my weight, I remember that this is a temporary situation and that it can be changed. I guess knowing that anything can be changed really helps me. That goes for my mindset too. I used to be so negative and my husband would point it out. But I started to try to see the glass half full too rather than just focus on the negative and I am happy to report that it has become a habit. So know that what you're dealing with can be changed!
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How do I deal with self esteem issues? Red lipstick and a pushup bra.
But seriously, I do things that will make me feel better about myself. And that can be accomplishing a fitness goal (running, lifting, etc.) a weight loss goal... or just making a point to wear flattering clothes, sexy undergarments, trying new makeup and styling your hair.0 -
Hey all,
This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Google doesn't just suggest his search history - it suggests searches based on a few letters. He may not have been looking that up at all.
As for self esteem issues...I think we can all relate to them. It took me over a full year to really get a handle on the positive self-talk (you can do this, you are worth it, you can be whatever you want to be, etc...) For me, it was changing the tone and words of my inner voice that made the difference.0 -
Thanks again everyone for the replies and advice. It is nice to know I am not alone. I plan on taking all of your advice and working on loving myself a little more
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The way I deal with this is by not using other people's computers. The less you know about their fantasy life, the better you'll sleep, trust me 0
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The way I deal with this is by not using other people's computers. The less you know about their fantasy life, the better you'll sleep, trust me
Ahhh I know. I NEVER use his computer. We were discussing a vacation and we just happened to be at his house with his computer. Now that I know he doesn't clear his search history, I will probably never use it again :laugh:0 -
movie stars are just as screwed up as us. They're just better at hiding it.0
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The way I deal with this is by not using other people's computers. The less you know about their fantasy life, the better you'll sleep, trust me
Ahhh I know. I NEVER use his computer. We were discussing a vacation and we just happened to be at his house with his computer. Now that I know he doesn't clear his search history, I will probably never use it again :laugh:
Well, also, it helps to know that all men and quite a lot of women view titillating material on the internet. [I'm sure the NSA knows all about this so it's not exactly breaking news.] Just because a guy is looking at pictures of pretty ladies online doesn't mean he isn't happy with what he has access to in real life. I think Dan Savage has a pretty healthy perspective on this... if I somehow found out something really disturbing about my partner's fantasy life, e.g., if it involves children or cannibalism, then it'd be a different story.0 -
Aaah! I'm so glad I saw this thread!
I am exactly the same. I've had these issues with my ex, and even worse now with my current boyfriend. He has history of cheating (not with me, but with his ex), so that thought has never left my mind. We've been having problems.. and he's admitted to his mistakes (not like most guys who will deny things and turn it around to you). Even then I still have problems with myself, and I wish I could talk to someone.
Buut..
I know he loves me. He tells me all the time. He even explains to me how much I turn him on. And in his own words, "I'm just a stupid boy."
Guys are always going to look. I've learned to get over it. I honestly don't even care anymore, as long as it doesn't go beyond the line. I'm constantly commenting on guys as well.. celebrities, athletes, ect. Especially since he's into sports. I'll be like "Oh who is that guy??". And he just gives me a sad look, and says "What about me?". That's us messing around. But it the end, it all comes down to who you're both going home to.0 -
it's hard but I tell myself I have the perfect body.. But its excess in some areas and lacking in others. lol. Just remember we all are our own worst critics. He likes you or he wouldn't be with you. Don't let these searches undermine your relationship. After all we all have our secret or maybe not so secret celebrity crushes.0
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I know my post is a bit different, but…
Not all people find eye humping pictures on the internet an acceptable behavior in their mate. I absolutely would not tolerate it from my mate, nor he from me. It goes against everything we believe in. We don’t believe in fantasizing about other people and if those types of thoughts do cross our minds, we would immediately share the thought with one another, not solitarilly seek out fodder in the form of pictures of other people. It also goes against our beliefs on beauty in its most natural form. Celebrities are rarely in natural form and are some of the most superficial folks out there. Lastly, it goes against our beliefs about 100% open and honest communication. We both have an open door policy with one another regarding our computers, phones, passwords, etc. because neither of us has anything to hide.
I know a lot of people believe “boys will be boys” and have a philosophy that all men's eyes wander, but I truly believe a lot of that philosophy is nurtured into us in western civilization via cultural norms, especially since the surge of internet imaging. To assume that ‘all men are eye humping other women and therefore it is OK behavior’ is to do a disservice to men who keep their attention focused on what they already have, a disservice to men who believe in emotional fidelity, and a disservice to men with profundity who find beauty within a woman’s mind and soul, rather than on the appearance of her body.
One of the best things you can do to increase your self-esteem is to know yourself well. Know why his behavior bothers you. The more you analyze the situation and the role you play in the situation, the better you can understand yourself. The more you get to know yourself, the more you can be proud of those qualities you love about yourself and the more you can change the things you find dissatisfying about yourself. It would be a shame to chalk this up to “Guys just do that. I’ll never look like a movie star, but maybe I can find a smidgen of something good about myself while he gazes at pictures of others.” You don’t have to settle for that mindset, even if it is the popular one.0 -
You have to do things that make YOU feel good. Lose weight for YOU. Everyone has insecurities its how you handle them that counts. I have been married for 8 years and with my husband for 13, Yes there are times when I feel insecure, especially if I compare myself to someone else. And yes being insecure can wreak havoc on a great relationship. But after a while you just have to have blind faith and trust in your relationship. Trust that your boyfriend loves you and forget the rest.0
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My name is Tammy and I have had low self esteem for a very long time. It started when I was in high school when all my friends were thin except me. Now here I am 40 and still have thin friends and trying to loose weight. Then, I found out I have fibromyalgia and well now I am determined to fight this and loose weight. With that being said, I have joined a group fitness workout for women called Insanity for Women and we work out every Tues, and Thurs. Hold your head up and do the weight lose thing for you not for someone else. Trust me, doing it for you is all that matters:flowerforyou:0
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I go through this ALL of the time. I am my worst enemy. I have started seeing a therapist which has helped me. But the one suggestion I have when you are feeling bad about yourself is to try and do something that does make you feel good about yourself. My self esteem issues are completely superficial I feel overweight and unattractive. Therefore, when I run or have a great workout I feel a lot better about myself because I am working on that weakness, trying to change me. When I focus on my short comings I get no where except depressed which leads to drinking beer, eating, etc stuff that makes me fatter.
The best thing that works for me is trying to do something healthy that makes me feel good. For me its exercise, it might be a pedicure or massage for some one else.
Think about what you like about yourself, you are pretty, you have great hair, a nice smile, great legs, a small waist whatever it is try to redirect your thinking when you start feeling bad.
My husband looks at other women and it makes me feel horrible, its not his fault he's a guy its what they do. I feel bad because I feel bad about me. I'm trying to get better but it is very difficult.0 -
You can build your self-esteem if you accomplish some personal goals. They could be anything that make you feel good, from taking a class at a local college to planting a garden to running a marathon to volunteering for a charity. These things give you a sense of self-worth and accomplishment and get out of your head, hopefully. It's a life process for some of us. It's good that you recognize it.
And this is why I added you as a friend on mfp. Good "advice" hun 0 -
Does your guy tell you that you're beautiful? He should, because you look absolutely adorable. If you know how he feels about you and how he sees you, and he sees you with love, then it doesn't matter if he also thinks Halle Berry is pretty. Maybe you look more like those women than you think you do.0
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I go through this ALL of the time. I am my worst enemy. I have started seeing a therapist which has helped me. But the one suggestion I have when you are feeling bad about yourself is to try and do something that does make you feel good about yourself. My self esteem issues are completely superficial I feel overweight and unattractive. Therefore, when I run or have a great workout I feel a lot better about myself because I am working on that weakness, trying to change me. When I focus on my short comings I get no where except depressed which leads to drinking beer, eating, etc stuff that makes me fatter.
The best thing that works for me is trying to do something healthy that makes me feel good. For me its exercise, it might be a pedicure or massage for some one else.
Think about what you like about yourself, you are pretty, you have great hair, a nice smile, great legs, a small waist whatever it is try to redirect your thinking when you start feeling bad.
My husband looks at other women and it makes me feel horrible, its not his fault he's a guy its what they do. I feel bad because I feel bad about me. I'm trying to get better but it is very difficult.
I thought all of this was really good except maybe the part about your husband looking at other women. I think some men do do this..but do you look at other men? For me, it is also a respect thing..so if you feel horrible when he looks at others..have you brought it up at all? Im simply wondering and not at all trying to attack or criticize. Just thought I'd put it out there.0
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