How do you deal with self esteem issues?

Deloresbolt

Why are you insecure? Have you always been this way? My goodness, by your picture you sure don't look like you need to loose weight. But perhaps, the weight and insecurity go hand in hand. Think about it.

MyChocolateDiet

aw, you're young and i wish i had the answer for you because i remember that pain and angst. i don't know how or why but as you get older you just get more confident and less low self esteemy. it may come from the accomplishments or enjoyments you've had in life being nice to reflect on. it may come from digesting all these momen't of insecurity and then noticing it had more to do with them than me, but yeah it gets easier when you get older. at least for me it did. it may just be from little by little letting little things bother you less and having bigger fish to fry like mortgages, bills, kid raising, health preserving, etc. etc. etc.

For now just be young and think of the following. You know how you love your boyfriend but cannot turn away from a picture of that guy in the twilight movies or whatever it is you kids are into these days. It's just like that. But naked. Not a big difference really. The same touchy feely emotions you get from whatever celebrity crush you have are the same for him. But naked. Hope that makes sense. It sounds trite but I'm trying to be simple and clear.

You aren't going to leave him for twilight boy, he's not gonna leave you for emma whoever. It's just pictures, art, fantasy, entertainment.

kkclif

Why are you insecure? Have you always been this way? My goodness, by your picture you sure don't look like you need to loose weight. But perhaps, the weight and insecurity go hand in hand. Think about it.

lol thanks, but I am, in fact, considered overweight. Maybe that's part of it. Like, I look at a plus size model and think OMG they look like an average woman, but theyre considered "fat". It bothers me and I definitely think it takes a toll on how I view myself.

manders376

Hope this doesn't sound silly but maybe find a counselor to talk to. You don't have to go all the time (I know in some areas they can be expensive) but even just a couple times a month. I say this because I did it and has really helped out! Having a neutral party to bounce ideas off and just listen can work wonders.

It has been so much easier for me to focus on weight loss when I know I feel good about myself and am not worried about how my husband does or does not think about me.

SuzyLy

As long as they look, but don't touch, there is nothing wrong with it. I will even point out "lookers" to my husband. My older sister told me many years ago, if they want someone else, let them go, you're better off without them. Hubbie & I have been together many years, with no infidelity problems.

ItsCasey

Hey all,

This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

This doesn't have anything to do with your boyfriend. He's behaving like a typical heterosexual male. Looking at attractive women is what they do. Your self-esteem is not going to come from him. It has to come from you. A good start would be to stop letting society dictate what you should want to look like. If you want to look like a plus-sized model and you can still be healthy doing it, then that's where the discussion ends.

The thing is, if you are looking to other people to validate your opinions, then they aren't really your opinions. When you become certain of what you really want, you will suddenly stop caring what anyone else thinks about it, least of all people who don't even know you.

EmmieBaby

Here is what I have been doing to love myself again.

Look at yourself in a full length mirror..really look at yourself, not your flaws, not your assets, all of you...and repeat this 3 times every day. " I love you"

the more you love yourself for who you are, flaws and all, the more you will care less about those flaws.

it will seem silly at first but trust me, it weird...but I like hearing myself say that I love myself.

H3TR0

Hey all,

This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

I'm not sure that I have any tips or advice, but I do want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. When my boyfriend talks about Avril Lavigne or Angelina Jolie being hott, I get so flustered because I do not look like them. When I mull it over in my head, I think that because I look nothing like them, I am not desirable enough to him.

Now, I have to add this. My boyfriend has my portrait tattooed on the inside of his arm. Clearly, he isn't going to run out away with a hott movie star. I just want you to know, that even with that kind of affirmation, it's still hard not to think, ugh I don't look like them

Here's my million dollar advice-- google any of those stars that he likes and type in "without makeup" after their name. You will see for yourself that you are just as gorgeous, if not MORE gorgeous than them (: You are beautiful!

kkclif

Hey all,

This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

This doesn't have anything to do with your boyfriend. He's behaving like a typical heterosexual male. Looking at attractive women is what they do. Your self-esteem is not going to come from him. It has to come from you. A good start would be to stop letting society dictate what you should want to look like. If you want to look like a plus-sized model and you can still be healthy doing it, then that's where the discussion ends.

The thing is, if you are looking to other people to validate your opinions, then they aren't really your opinions. When you become certain of what you really want, you will suddenly stop caring what anyone else thinks about it, least of all people who don't even know you.

I know it is my issue and not my boyfriends, but it does have an effect on him nonetheless. I didn't post this for validation, just support.

KayteeCat

Those girls are his fantasies, but you're REAL to him. Don't forget that.

kkclif

Hey all,

This is my first post on here, so please be gentle.
So long story short, the other day my boyfriend let me use his laptop to search for vacations. When I went into google to type, his search history automatically popped up to reveal "sarah hyland hot" "halle berry hot" etc. you get it. I know guys do this, hell, I know even girls do this, but it seriously messed with my already low self-esteem. I can't help but think, "I look absolutely nothing like these women so how could he possibly find me attractive". I can seriously not get past it, and I hate it because it seems so silly right? I guess my question is, how (other than get the weight off) did you learn to embrace your body image? Has anyone else just felt sort of...unworthy sometimes? I want to add that I have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years now. This isn't a trust issue or anything like that, I don't believe he is going to run off and cheat on me with emma stone. We are pretty happy together, but would be so much happier if I wasn't so insecure ALL THE TIME. I feel like sometimes the only thing that does get in the way is my insecurity. I really want to work on this, and I know getting the weight off is a good place to start, but as you all know this is a journey...and anything that can help me along the way would be awesome. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

I'm not sure that I have any tips or advice, but I do want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. When my boyfriend talks about Avril Lavigne or Angelina Jolie being hott, I get so flustered because I do not look like them. When I mull it over in my head, I think that because I look nothing like them, I am not desirable enough to him.

Now, I have to add this. My boyfriend has my portrait tattooed on the inside of his arm. Clearly, he isn't going to run out away with a hott movie star. I just want you to know, that even with that kind of affirmation, it's still hard not to think, ugh I don't look like them

Here's my million dollar advice-- google any of those stars that he likes and type in "without makeup" after their name. You will see for yourself that you are just as gorgeous, if not MORE gorgeous than them (: You are beautiful!

:laugh: That's a pretty good idea. Thank you

MsJulielicious

You can build your self-esteem if you accomplish some personal goals. They could be anything that make you feel good, from taking a class at a local college to planting a garden to running a marathon to volunteering for a charity. These things give you a sense of self-worth and accomplishment and get out of your head, hopefully. It's a life process for some of us. It's good that you recognize it.

I like you! Solid advice.

mrdk92

Remember to be kind with yourself. You are so much more than what you look like! If you're already on MFP, you're taking steps to have a happier and healthier lifestyle, which is worth much more than a silly Google image search!

RhonndaJ

The reality is that everyone looks, even those who deny it. Some are more overt than others. It's natural. So is feeling insecure in comparison to the 'fantasy'.

The thing is...

your guy isn't likely comparing you to these women, he's just looking at eye candy. You're comparing yourself to those women.

That's what you have to work on.

When you start comparing yourself to these so called perfect women, stop yourself short and remind yourself of all your good points, not just your physical ones.

Can't think of any? Start making a list when you're not feeling so down on yourself. Ask your friends to name something good about you. Ask your guy to tell you his favourite thing about you, physical and not.

Positive reinforcement is a powerful thing.

amy1612

I have great eyes that are an odd shade of gray blue and a nice smile.

This made me smile Look for the positives, tell yourself how awesome you are, respect and love your body. Because its yours, and it is awesome. Start thinking of all the things that make you you. You are not your pants size, you are not your diet.

buckshot1969

By your photo I cannot understand your insecurities my daughter looks around your age and is the same way. Here is what my father always told me. You can never control anything but your own mind. If someone is going to cheat that is there weakness not yours thats their control issues not yours. There are so many BEAUTIFUL people in this world how could a man or woman not look. Shoot I pick out women for my boyfriend to look at on the street. People are interesting and striking. You are just one of many beautiful people in the world!!! BTW men are very visual that does not mean he will stray! Hang in there your a beautiful girl..

Sarahonly

I've had some serious self esteem issues too, and I have for as long as I can remember. I think these types of problems are one of the hardest to overcome. I have a fantastic boyfriend who compliments me all the time, but I always have to retort with something negating what he just said- it's like a nervous reaction. So I get how difficult it can be to not think that way.

I've found identifying the source of the problem can help. For example, I was teased a lot for years throughout school. Not necessarily for my weight, but that stuff sticks with you. For me, it morphed into me beating up on myself. I sometimes feel like I'm letting a 15 year old kid be "mean" to me. I often remind myself that I wouldn't let a 15 year old order me around, so I try to silence that voice in my head.

Try to think about why you feel this way. Look at yourself in a positive light, the way you would your best friend- you'd never ever say nasty things to your friend, so why should you say it to yourself?

Also, a big thing for me was to realize that just because someone else is pretty or "hot" it doesn't mean that I'm not- especially to my boyfriend.

I hope this helps. I still struggle everyday with these things, so feel free to add me if you want!

Inshape13

In the long run you will have to practice shutting that voice up in your head that says you are not good enough.....I thought that when I lost this much weight I would be "happy with myself", but the only thing I realized is that I am thin and can still pick out a million things I dislike about myself in the mirror if I let myself go there. I had to spend quite a while changing the negative talk into positive talk and it took work after years of belittling myself and hating who I was to change that. It came down to realizing that I was worth a lot more than I gave myself credit for back in the day.

Hope you find peace with this.

tyler2go

KKclif--Insecurities is something buried deep within oneself and in order for you to overcome it you have to work on it. Like anything else in life it will take some perseverance. It does not have anything to do with others around you at this time but if it continues it can thrust you into a unhealthy relationship. My personal suggestion is to look at yourself daily(in a mirror) and find something you like about you. Whether it be your smile, hair, teeth,(physical attributes) etc. You have to pour into yourself positive thinking daily. There are many things we as women like about ourselves that we take for granted because we try to compete with what society thinks we should look like. These so called sex symbols have insecurities of their own because they think they are never good enough. Let me warn you however when you begin to work on yourself and realize your self-worth(rid the insecurities) you become so empowered. This will help you realize that you can do anything you put your mind to.....LOVE yourself like no one else.

Pinkemi

I felt that I had to post because I have a similar problem. I'm always thinking that I'm not good enough , mainly because I put on 3 stone since being with my Boyfriend. There is always that worry that he doesnt find me as attractive as he used to. (even though he tells me he does.) He's also (as much as I love him) AWFUL at throwing out compliments. I cant count the number of times I have worked really hard to look fantastic for a night out or something and he doesnt say anything. No 'your beautiful' or 'wow you look stunning' or anything. Sometimes I might get a 'you look nice.' lol

Honestly, my biggest issue isnt trust. I trust that he wont stray... but I don't trust his friends. My boyfriend is one of these that is easily led... I cant trust that his friends wont lead him astray by taking him to a strip joint and paying for a dance. :-/ It's almost unbearable to think about.

What a lot of people have said is true... Men will naturally look... but as long as its only window shopping then its fine. We both need to learn to shut out the voices in the head that tell us we arent worth it... because we are!