I am hiding my pain

awesomejdad

I have been very successful on here. It has taken my 3 years but I have lost all the weight I originally wanted to lose and then some. However, I still have love handles. My overall body fat percentage is to high. I have been very patient. For over a year now I have been trying to cut down to a body fat percentage where I can just be a regular Person. My only goal this year was that by the time pool season came around I could look regular. Meaning a flattish stomach. Not super fit, not a six pack I just want to be average. Of course I would love to have a 6 pack but realistically I thought I could just have an "unfat" stomach this summer. I work out by lifting weights about 4 times a week. I squat, deadlift....everything. I have a good body but I can't get a flat stomach. I already know I can't spot reduce. That is why I just continued on. Kept lifting weights, playing basketball and occasionally jogging. I figured just keep doing the right things and eventually I will be successful. I have been trying and been so patient. It's been over a year. I have changed up my workouts, tried everything I can think of.
I am depressed. I have always been the type of guy to say depression is not real. I am the "get over it" type of person. However I have been privately struggling for months. At first I did not know what was going on with me, I just thought I was sad. Over time I started to think that there was no point in trying anymore. When I have bad days I tell myself there is no point in even living. I don't know how to explain my situation and I know no one cares but I am just sad a lot. I keep thinking I should tell my wife but I don't know how. I am the big strong man. A black belt that works in law enforcement. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have to keep my struggles hidden. I keep telling myself to just keep trying and maybe next year I will cut my body fat down to a decent range. However right now, because it is the summer season almost and I said the same types of things last year and have not seen success I feel like I won't next year either.
I just don't know how to feel or what to do.
Go ahead and make fun but this is me reaching out. Please help.

MissusSpags

I hate that society makes depression/anxiety so taboo to talk about. I can tell you that talking to someone..your wife, a counselor, religious leader if you choose...can help so much. It's a very lonely journey but if you can open up and talk about how you're feeling, I really think that will help.

I can't give you advice on how to flatten your stomach but I think that once you deal with the depression, you'll feel more happy with where you are at.

Add me if you want. And if anyone makes fun of you for reaching out, then that's their issue and not yours.

lawkat

Why do you think people are going to make fun of you? Depression is no joke. I have it but I have been going to therapy and also taking medication. Plus, I run and make sure to get plenty of sun or light, especially during the winter months.

You just need to tell you wife plain and simple that you suffer from depression. She shouldn't think anything less of you and should appreciate and love that you will open up to her about it. It isn't a sign of weakness to suffer from depression. It happens to a lot of people. It is nothing to be ashamed of or hide away like it is something to be disgusted with.

I find that when playing the pity party card and ruminating over how sad life is, I tell myself to stop thinking that way because it isn't true. I find that I rarely go down the pity party route. When I begin to ruminate over things, I find something to take my mind off of it which helps. Those were just some of the things I began with and then came the cognitive behavioral therapy and then medication.

You will get there. You aren't alone in this.

dargytaylor

your first big step was reaching out on mfp!! that is a big accomplishment and i am sure was very hard..... next step in my opinion is talking with your wife, counselor, a close friend, SOMEONE

depression is real ~ i see it daily with a family member

nobody should be making fun, and if they do, they don't belong on this site!! good luck to you

awesomejdad

I don't really know if that is it though. I have told myself that I just don't get enough sleep, so I tried sleeping more. I have told myself that maybe I am eating to few carbs, so I tried adding more to my diet. I have told myself maybe I could be lacking in Iron, so I started to take supplements. I thought maybe I had an issue with some other vitamins so I added some daily multi vitamins. I have told myself that maybe I am just being to worried about aesthetics and that I needed to stop being so concerned about it. I am not even sure if I have depression. I don't know. I have never been this way. Why would it just start now? I mean sometimes I am fine. I can be happy and playful and then an hour later just wanting to lay down so I can be alone feeling like I have no purpose. Sorry.

wolfsbayne

My first thought is that you might need to see a doctor. There could be some chemical imbalance going on. Either way, my advice is to talk to your wife about what's going on with you. She knows you better than we do and maybe can offer insight and help you decide the next step in dealing with your struggles. She is your partner in life.

sllm1

It took me years to convince my husband that he suffers from depression. He considers it weakness. I finally told him that I would leave him if he didn't see a doctor about it.

Now that he's on an antidepressant, he wonders why he didn't do so sooner.

Bite the bullet. Discuss your feelings with your doctor.

arabianhorselover

I was depressed since I was a teenager, but it took until I was 37 years old and I had my third child before I was willing to take something for it. Once I finally did, it made a world of difference in my life. If only I had done it sooner. I always thought I had real reasons to be depressed. Who wouldn't be depressed with a life like mine? I thought antidepressants were only for people who all of a sudden got depressed for no apparent reason. I never dreamed they would work for me. Life is too short to spend it being depressed. I finally realized I was not only hurting myself, but my family as well.

I know it is harder to admit you need help for a lot of men, but just do it. Do you attend a church? Is there a pastor or priest you could talk to?

quiksylver296

Fellow LEO here. Have you utilized your EAP? Cops face things that others can't even imagine. Use your free counseling. I know it's hard. It was hard when I did it. I went due to a co-worker committing suicide, and I was first on scene. Anti-depressants can help, but you have to use them as prescribed. I went off them because I felt better, and then guess what? I didn't feel better any more.

As for your stomach, do you weigh your food? Abs are made in the kitchen, not the gym. You can get a food scale for about $20 at Target. Start weighing your food if you don't already. You may be eating more than you thought.

dirtyflirty30

You are not a failure. You are a smashing success.

Please don't feel ashamed of your feelings - and don't be afraid to reach out for help. Speak to your wife and to a doctor - let people help you! This was a great first step.

oedipa_maas

My heart really goes out to you. I am bipolar and deal with some terrible depressions when I'm unmedicated. I know medication isn't for everyone, but at least go to the doctor and tell them what you're telling us here. You deserve to feel better. Your job is so hard, I imagine, and you are under stress not many of us can understand. I know too that men have a harder time expressing if they are depressed, for the reasons you give. But there is no shame in needing help. I lost my brother to suicide--trust me that your loved ones want you to live; happily, peacefully. It is possible, but you need to get some kind of help.

I find when I'm depressed I hyper-focus on parts of my body that I dislike or feel self conscious about. Try to gently detach from your feelings about your stomach for now. You have done a GREAT job losing weight and getting fit; it takes so much strength. Even if you don't feel strong right now, you are here, living and asking for help. That really is courageous.

Don't be afraid to talk to your wife; I urge you to do so. I wish my brother had talked to us, his family, about feeling so depressed and hopeless. Maybe we could have helped save him. Your life is worth everything, and I'm guessing that your wife will be understanding and want to help you in any way she can.

Please keep reaching out.

dopeysmelly

It sounds like you are going through a really rough time. I don't have much to add except that your wife probably realizes that something is making you unhappy and will most likely be incredibly relieved if you speak to her, especially if you agree to get external help.

Also, I don't know whether you can manage this, but refocusing your definition of "success" might help you see things differently. Maybe requantify "success" as not a "look" but as a hard number of what your new amazing body can achieve (the weights you can lift, for example).

And finally, depression is not related to strength of character, believe me. My FIL was a strong, smart, driven Greek patriarch who admitted to me that he was depressed. He saw the admission of a problem, and the process of doing something about it as indicative of his strength of character, not the opposite.

ElizabethKalmbach

Oh, honey. See a doctor. No joke - EVERY TIME I get diagnosed with a new ailment that requires a maintenance drug (thyroid/B12 insufficiency/low D etc) the leading symptom that drags me to the doctor is inability to maintain weight (loss/gain) through sensible means, and DEPRESSION. Depression can happen because something sad happened in your life, and it can also be a symptom that something is really wrong with you. (Really. B12 insufficiency can KILL YOU, and my telltale symptom was weightloss and depression... Thyroid disorder can kill you and my symptoms were weight GAIN and depression. See where I'm going here?) Talk to your doctor and have some blood tests run. See if you have any vitamin or hormonal deficiencies. Talk about your eating and workout regimen with a nutritionist. Nothing can change if you don't act. Acting requires that you acknowledge the symptom and tell someone who can help. Start with a GP and go from there.