Is there such thing as a rude compliment?
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Hmm. I would see this as moreDearestWinter wrote: »Not sure if I would classify the comment as rude but more like cluelessly enthusiastic. I wasn't there so don't know the tone of delivery though.
As for how to respond - if it's blatantly rude (ie, "you'll look so pretty when you lose 50 lbs") then treat it as rudeness. If it's a little vague then I would graciously accept and if they were being malicious they can stew in their inability to rankle you.
I think that "cluelessly enthusiastic" is a good descriptor for this.
I have a relative who is good at backhanded comments. I can remember hearing her ask somebody who just got her braces off Wow your teeth look so nice and straight. Are you going to whiten them now?0 -
When I compliment someone on weight loss by saying, "You look good," I always fear they're thinking, "So you're saying I didn't look good before?"
So I end up saying, "You look good. But I've always though you looked good. But now you seem happier (or healthier, or whatever)." This usually works without offending anyone.0 -
_dracarys_ wrote: »Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.
How did you get that out of the OP?
How did I get that? Because she said the woman said people will say her boyfriend is returning home with a new girlfriend. What can that possibly mean besides a new and improved girlfriend? I can see how that would make her feel uncomfortable
Hm, do you feel new and improved, OP? Personally, I would take it as a compliment unless she said it in a jealous kind of way. Some people are goofy and don't realize/meant to say anything wrong!0 -
I think the missing components are tone of voice and body language. Reading the actual words on an internet forum doesn't really paint the whole picture. If the OP feels they were being rude, I'd be more than willing to bet that the compliments weren't meant 100% genuinely. The good news is that their attempts at being jerks still resulted in a compliment. In all reality, it was probably motivated by jealousy.0
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baby_firefly_666 wrote: »Yep ^^^ I strongly despise backhanded compliments, but people will dish them out all time no matter what situation. Sucks.
I guess all we can do is shrug it off, and focus on all the good compliments we get
Pretty much. Some people, though well meaning (mostly), have no tact.
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ceoverturf wrote: »Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »When someone compliments you, just smile and say thanks. No reason to get upset about it, as most people are not actively trying to ruin your day just because they can.
And if they are, pleasantly accepting the thanks without acknowledging the insult is probably the best revenge.
I agree with this. Kill 'em with kindness.0 -
ceoverturf wrote: »Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »When someone compliments you, just smile and say thanks. No reason to get upset about it, as most people are not actively trying to ruin your day just because they can.
And if they are, pleasantly accepting the thanks without acknowledging the insult is probably the best revenge.
Yes. Or you could return their back-handed compliment with a backhanded compliment of your own.
"Aww, thanks Mail-Room Lady! I like these heels, too. It sucks that you can't wear them due to your severe gout, but your calves don't look that big in flats!"0 -
i think this is a very mild case0
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asflatasapancake wrote: »An insult would be something like "now you've lost weight I can see how ugly you are"
See the difference?
I think that's just being rude. A rude(backhanded) compliment would be something like "That's amazing that you've lost all that weight! Are you going to try to get rid of those love handles now?".
You seem shocked that an insult is rude
Isn't that the point?0 -
I am always afraid of complimenting someone on their weight loss because if I say "Wow you look fabulous!" I'm afraid they'll internalize it and think "She means I looked hideous before."
I once had a friend unintentionally give me a backhanded compliment. I know her well enough to know that the way I perceived it was NOT the way she meant it...but... she had given me some pants that were too big for her, and they were still a little too small for me....but I was so excited when I could finally squeeze into one pair, that I wore them over to her house to see if she'd notice I was wearing them. She did!
She said "Are they the pants I gave you?" I proudly said "Yes!!!" And she said "Wow, and I thought I looked so good in them! ha ha!!"
Well see by that time she had lost even more weight and was at her goal weight. SO I knew what she meant - she meant when she wore them she felt so accomplished (as she had lost a significant amount to get into them) but she still had a long way to go. It had nothing to do with me, but it stung. LOL.
OP, what the ladies at the gym said was probably meant in good faith to be humorous / funny - not to insult you.0 -
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I lost about 40 pounds, from changing my diet and ramping up my workouts. I'm in the best shape of my life. The things I've heard most often are: 1- you need to eat 2- you don't need to lose any more weight, and 3- you're getting too skinny, you need to stop. I'm fairly sarcastic and straight-forward so I usually reply with "What do I need to stop, eating healthy or working out?". Then I ask them what my BMI is and what it should be. Then I ask what my body fat % is and what it should be. Then I ask them what I should eat. (They are usually back-pedaling at this point) What I don't say but probably should most of the time is 1- you need to stop eating and start working out 2- you need to lose some weight, and 3- you are getting too fat, you need to start. Of course I would never say these things and do not actually think them, but why is it ok for people to comment in a negative way about my weight (because in their opinion I am thin) and I would be a horrible person for making any negative comment about their weight if I thought they were heavy? It's called fit-shaming, or jealousy, or insecurity, or unhappiness with themselves etc. For the record, I am in normal range for bmi and body fat, I work out alot, I try to eat healthy but fail quite often, and have never been confused with someone who "is too skinny" or "needs to eat"0
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_dracarys_ wrote: »Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.
How did you get that out of the OP?
How did I get that? Because she said the woman said people will say her boyfriend is returning home with a new girlfriend. What can that possibly mean besides a new and improved girlfriend? I can see how that would make her feel uncomfortable
New as in - looking so different that she's a brand new person.
Don't see this as a backhanded compliment. Just seems like good intentions that she dragged out into a longer description than was needed. It's just a lengthier version of "wow what a transformation! You look great!" We do look better...no way around it. If the before was better, we wouldn't be here changing ourselves lol (aside health benefits obviously).
Saying there's been an improvement doesn't imply you weren't good enough before. Just a change.0 -
Has this ever happened to you before?
No. I don't discuss my weight loss with other people so it hasn't happened to me.
My take on the comment you received was that it was a joking way to say that your appearance has changed due to your weight loss. No where did the woman say you looked better/worse just very different. Some people do look like different people almost when they lose or gain weight. Sometimes they carry themselves different, change hair or clothing styles as well as being thinner. It was just dumb, awkward small talk.
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this is why i dont give compliments to people i dont know......0
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asflatasapancake wrote: »ExRelaySprinter wrote: »
Feel free to use it!asflatasapancake wrote: »ExRelaySprinter wrote: »
Well to me, the fact that you felt uncomfortable tells me that maybe it wasn't exactly what the woman said, but HOW she said it.I yesterday I feel that some ladies at my local gym crossed the line. One lady told me that when I return home to visit my family in a few weeks that no one is going to recognize me and that there will be gossip that my boyfriend has returned home with a new girlfriend who is half the size of his old one. At the time I felt quite uncomfortable in the situation,
As we say in the UK, seems like she was "taking the piss".
"talking the piss". Not familiar with that one. I think I'm going to use that, if you don't mind. I don't have to pay a copyright fee to use this or anything, do I?
It's "taking the piss" though, not "talking the piss". Lol
Got it. Now to find out how I can incorporate that phrase into my conversations.
Are you taking the piss?0 -
Thank you everyone for your kind comments! I don't believe that I am an overly sensitive person.. I just left the conversation feeling a bit odd and was just looking for others input and to see if anyone else has ever felt this way. I'm new at this so I'm just reaching out to the MFP community for support
You may find that the increased attention drawn by your weight loss leaves you more sensitive than normal. Especially if you're not used to and pleased by being the center of attention.
At least, that's often how it seems to me. There are lots of posts on here with people taking offense to really innocuous comments, in my opinion. And lots of people getting genuinely obnoxious remarks that are probably setting the stage for at least some of the over-sensitivity.0 -
Everything makes me feel uncomfortable because i don't like when people notice me necessarily....buuuuut i think you're reading too much into this.
I doubt she meant anything malicious.0 -
asflatasapancake wrote: »ExRelaySprinter wrote: »
Feel free to use it!asflatasapancake wrote: »ExRelaySprinter wrote: »
Well to me, the fact that you felt uncomfortable tells me that maybe it wasn't exactly what the woman said, but HOW she said it.I yesterday I feel that some ladies at my local gym crossed the line. One lady told me that when I return home to visit my family in a few weeks that no one is going to recognize me and that there will be gossip that my boyfriend has returned home with a new girlfriend who is half the size of his old one. At the time I felt quite uncomfortable in the situation,
As we say in the UK, seems like she was "taking the piss".
"talking the piss". Not familiar with that one. I think I'm going to use that, if you don't mind. I don't have to pay a copyright fee to use this or anything, do I?
It's "taking the piss" though, not "talking the piss". Lol
Got it. Now to find out how I can incorporate that phrase into my conversations.
Try starting out with, "Did you see that ludicrous display last night?" and work your way up to it.0 -
annaskiski wrote: »...
Of course, compliment/insult is all in the delivery, and we can't read that from your post.
^This! Maybe she said it crappy? I don't know. When I had lost 100 pounds many years ago (on slimfast & gained it right back when I got immediately pregnant), when I stepped out the door in the spring my neighbors adult daughter said something in total shock. She exclaimed "oh my gosh, where is the other half of you!?" She was very excited and happy for me so I didn't take it wrong at all.
Maybe the person who said that to you was snotty or whatever. Either way, congratulations on your 40 pound weight loss!!!0 -
People can't win no matter what. Next up will be a post about how someone has lost 40 lbs and no one has said anything.0
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There really is. Early this year I had one girl tell me how "gorgeous" I look in some of my Facebook pictures. Her words: "You were so pretty when you were younger"
The pictures in question were only 3 years (when I was 25) and 70lbs ago. I tried not to take offense because her intention wasn't to offend.
It's about intention for me. There are those who do actively seek to offend in a really gross, insidious way. Then there are just those who need sensitivity training. For instance when I told my old dad I was seeking to lose weight he laughed and said "Bout time, love! You've let yourself go a bit in the past year. Looks like you've cleaned out a pie shop!". I even laughed when he said that because I know he'd never actively seek to hurt me.0 -
I don't agree with it being the intention. People can be rude while still being well-meaning. They can also be polite while not being sincere at all. (Not being mean, but indifferent.) Some of my extended family have the sincere-but-very-rude thing down pat.
Here's an example: One of my aunts was worried that her daughter (my cousin) had too much on her plate with caring for her kids and homeschooling. So her solution was to tell my cousin's husband how much more carefree and creative she had been before she got married, and to list off all the hobbies my cousin no longer had time for.
Awful, right? But here's the thing, my aunt genuinely meant well and wasn't TRYING to insult the husband or the marriage. There isn't a mean bone in her body. But she can be reeeeally socially clueless. And rude.0 -
ceoverturf wrote: »Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »When someone compliments you, just smile and say thanks. No reason to get upset about it, as most people are not actively trying to ruin your day just because they can.
And if they are, pleasantly accepting the thanks without acknowledging the insult is probably the best revenge.
Dude, this is great advice!0
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