MFPers lacking confidence

CkepiJinx

:flowerforyou: my heart aches for those of you who suffer with self esteem issues and anxiety. It makes me so angry how many parents damage their children's self esteem whether in the name of " making" them " better", because they lack self esteem themselves, or just because they are cruel, or simply because they just don't think before they speak.

I was lucky that although my parents aren't perfect they always boosted me up. Not falsely either they didn't tell me every thing I did was perfect but praised me whenit was warrented. I have always had great self esteem even when I was at 300 lbs. But I have friends who do not and it breaks my heart.

I wish you all the best!

clareyoung80

I love this post. These words fit into all aspects of our lives, not just weight loss. I will never give someone else power over me. I am very self aware when it does happen and I move quickly to correct it. ex. a nutcase at work had me stressed for a week until I realized he doesn't sign my paycheck, he didn't give birth to me, I owe him nothing. I smile, look him directly in the eye (which makes him so uncomfortable), and keep it moving. My biggest strength is my ability to just not give a da*n. Really, and not in a mean way, just in a controlled, I-need-to-take-care-of-me-so-please-move-you're-blocking-my-awesome kind of way.

And, just to add, I know that for some people it just not come easy, it is definitely something that some people need to work at. That is why I love these forums. The support is outstanding!

Those are awesome words, and something I'm trying to work to incorporate into my life every day!

1PatientBear

If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!

Ha ha ha. That's the attitude that encourages men to harass women on the street.

agreed. some prat yelling ''nice tits!'' at me from the scaffolding is not flattering.
i'm not a lump of meat. if you really want to compliment me then you say it for my benefit, not as some bonding excercise between you and your fellow apes.

First off, that's not what I meant. Let's not put words in my mouth please and make it seem like I'm some neanderthal yelling "nice rack" at some woman as she walks by. I meant ACTUAL attention and compliments. Genuine interest. Not the leering jerks that wouldn't know how to treat a woman if they got one. So, please don't lump me in with the other "apes" because I'm not one.

Secondly, I KNOW there are legitimate challenges that people face and I said in my OP it's not as simple as I make it sound. I'm aware of that and my heart goes out to those who have struggled. I think some are mistaking my post as something aimed to belittle and make fun; it's not AT ALL. I was attempting to encourage and empower. My words spoke to some and missed the mark with others. Hey, we're all motivated by different things and that's what makes the world go round. But I was NOT attempting to mock or belittle or trivialize anyone's challenges.

Southernb3lle

I'm with the "I wish it were so easy" camp...

I grew up being told by my mother that I was fat (she put me on my first diet at 5 years old...looking back, I was NOT fat), I was ugly (she wouldn't buy my school pictures because I was "too ugly in them"), no one liked me...i.e., generally, I just wasn't good enough. Then there was my dad who would act supportive but always had the little snide comments that were meant to make me self conscious enough that I would watch my weight and try to be prettier. Not as malicious, but basically hoping to push me to be a beautiful woman by shaming me into it. I've spent my entire life feeling like less than enough...even now that I've lost all this weight and I know that other people supposedly find me attractive...I can't see myself that way. I look in the mirror and I see the same girl who was never good enough, even when I was younger and reasonably thin. And so when others look at me, I assume they're thinking negative things.

On the comments from the other gender...OP, you're one of my friends so you know that the other night I was very upset about some comments made by some of my guy friends (to another guy friend, not to me) regarding me, hotness and what I'd be like in bed. I, logically, understand everyone's opinion that I should take this as a compliment. Emotionally, however...I'm the girl that was called a *kitten* by her own mother and stepfather the first time I ever had sex (at 18 years old). When my mother found out, I was forced by my mother to go tell my stepfather "what I had done" so that he could verbally lash me, as well. Since then, when I hear comments like this from other people I, quite literally, feel like I've done something wrong, it's meant in a negative way, and people are looking at me badly. Some people consider this a lack of confidence, but it's my gut reaction to run whenever anyone wants to talk about my sex life or anything involving me and sex. I can handle playful banter, but I can't handle discussing anything that's more personal.

My point is, yes, I SHOULD have more confidence. Logically I understand that some people find me attractive and that that's a compliment. Emotionally I'm afraid that I'm always going to feel that any attention I receive is negative in some way.

Beautifully said Punky. I'm so glad you are one of my MFP friends. I'm also with the "not that easy" camp. I don't have very high self esteem. I had someone pound into my head that I was never good enough..fat...etc. When you hear these things all the time you start to believe them.

tedrickp

If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!

Ha ha ha. That's the attitude that encourages men to harass women on the street.

agreed. some prat yelling ''nice tits!'' at me from the scaffolding is not flattering.
i'm not a lump of meat. if you really want to compliment me then you say it for my benefit, not as some bonding excercise between you and your fellow apes.

Well that escalated quickly...

From" opposite sex paying you more attention" it only took two posts to jump to "bonding exercise between apes". Very logical progression.

LorinaLynn

easier said than done!

Of course it is. Aside from "selling sea shells by the sea shore," what ISN'T easier said than done? Improving one's health is easier said than done, too, and most of us are hear because we're doing it.

I used to be terribly lacking in confidence and was bullied big time in junior high. The only way to get over it, is to get over it. It's not going to go away on it's own, it's not going to get better on it's own. You have to make a conscious effort to defeat those insecurities, just like you have to make a conscious effort to eat better, exercise, etc. We're here improving our physical health, why not make the extra effort to improve our mental health, too?

LMT2012

I don't think it's necessarily a confidence problem at all. If you are constantly wondering what people are thinking about you, you probably should wonder about something more important. People are worried about their own *kitten* and probably don't care.
Sorry.
Some idiot staring or yelling or smiling is also part of life. You'll be much happier if you learn to shake off the small stuff.

glovepuppet

If the opposite sex is paying you more attention, it's a compliment!! Enjoy it (or get a restraining order if necessary)!!

Ha ha ha. That's the attitude that encourages men to harass women on the street.

agreed. some prat yelling ''nice tits!'' at me from the scaffolding is not flattering.
i'm not a lump of meat. if you really want to compliment me then you say it for my benefit, not as some bonding excercise between you and your fellow apes.

Well that escalated quickly...

From" opposite sex paying you more attention" it only took two posts to jump to "bonding exercise between apes". Very logical progression.

i can't speak for every woman here but that is, by far, the most common form of male attention i get. leering, whistling and lewd comments. if i don't want a conversation i can drink my tea at home instead of in the cafe, but i have no choice but to walk down the street.

one or two unwanted conversations/month V several leers, whistles & cat calls/week

my sister finds it flattering. i'm well aware that some women feel attractive if they get whistled at. personally, i find it obnoxious.

...what is your experience of unwanted attention?

3foldchord

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

All hail Frank Herbert :happy:

Quotiing for the awesomeness that is Frank Herbert.

Vain_Witch

Ok, people, seriously...as one of the people on the "it's not so easy" camp...I would also like to point out that OP did NOT mean this in a negative way. It came from a place of love and sincerely caring to help other people feel better about themselves.

We all have our own demons that we deal with, but when someone offers us genunine caring, accept it and don't bash them. My earlier response was simply as a means of explaining the other side to him. It doesn't mean that I thought his original post was offensive.

Cut him slack.

The end.

RobynLB83

Future motivational speaker here. Well put.

nataliesarazyn

how they are uncomfortable with new attention from the opposite sex since losing weight

My problem is exactly the opposite. I've received ZERO attention for the opposite sex.
Fail