Love your body not the number on the scale. What I learned after a 90LB loss

Jenepher1202

So many people have told me what an encouragement I have been to them on their personal journey with self image. And I love that my journey encourages them, but it also comes with a disclaimer... Just as money doesn't buy happiness neither does the number on the scale.... The last few weeks I have really been struggling with self image-more than I had before, so I thought I would share my story with you.
When I first started this, I was 230lbs wearing size 18. I drank soda all day, and even though I ate somewhat "heathy", portion control was/is my problem. The amount of food I could/can eat in one sitting was/is disgusting. But than the number I saw on the scale, more than my physical health.....emotionally & mentally I was dieing. I had zero self confidence and did not care to give any time to my appearance. I knew my weight was getting out of control but was able to make excuses for quite some time. Getting married, loosing a brother at 17, then to have another brother die the night before my wedding, having a baby, being a mom, ect. I got through that time by laughing at myself and making fat girl jokes. This was a way to protect myself bc then-I felt people were laughing with me instead of at me. I was constantly trying to make myself believe I liked the way I was, and attempted to prove to people I was proud of my "curves". I tried several different diets along the way but none provided me with lasting results. In February 2014, I was working out with a personal trainer, and he said "One day it's just got to click, what is it going to take to make it click in your head?". After really considering his question, what's it going to take, I began to see the negative impact my weight had on my life. I decided it was time for a change. I downloaded MyFitnessPal and started. I stuck to the guidelines it gave me. It wasn't until I had lost the first 30lbs I really noticed a difference. People began noticing and it gave me a boost of will power. At about 60lbs I hit my first "low" of my journey. This is when I started to notice people treating me different. Strangers, friends, and even family. While I don't feel anybody intentionally tried to say hurtful things. It happened. Before I had only assumed my weight had a negative effect on people and my relationships with them. But those assumptions were becoming truth. Most interactions changed for the better, but that didn't stop the hurt of knowing how much my physical appearance played a part in my relationships. Some of the comments, most made with a good heart, seemed so mean. I was asked numerous times if I thought I would be able keep the weight off. Really? Now think about that. What kind of question is that? Like all I know how to do is be fat? I won't go through all the comments that were said, but so many made me feel like I wasn't important before, as if now that I'm thinner life must be perfect.. That being skinny fixes everything. I then realized I don't fit in a category anymore, I'm not big enough to be fat or thin enough to be skinny. Which may not sound like a big deal, but everybody wants to be apart of something-even if it the big bottom club. When you find yourself in that "grey" area-in any area of your life- it can be disheartening. Your either too much or not enough. When I hit my weight goal of 150(80lbs loss) it was mixed emotions. I am beyond proud of myself and happy to be at a healthy size. I love that I can shop in normal stores! Did I expect I was going to love my body? I did. Do I? Not even close. I had dreamed of weighing 150lbs and putting on a bikini then rocking that thing like nobody's business. I dreamed for so long what I thought my body would look like, and how it would be amazing! That I would feel like I was on top of the world. So how do I feel? You really want to know? I feel lost. I feel disappointed and disgusted when I look in the mirror. Before, my weight was who I was. The body shaming, the jokes, personality, the number, it all became my identity. I never sat in front of mirror nick-picking my body. I didn't feel pressure when picking out clothes, bc I felt it didn't matter. I was big-it was obvious, and that's just who I was. Now I find myself standing in front of mirror for long periods of time, pulling skin this way or that way, criticizing every little detail. I'm more harsh on myself than I ever was before. Do I know I shouldn't be? of course I do. does that matter? No. What have I learned to be the "truth"? Doesn't matter how big or small you are, body shaming is there. I have yet to meet a single person who thinks their body is perfect. Nothing is perfect which means there is always room for improvement, regardless of the number you see on the scale. I haven't found the key to loving my body yet, but I feel like I'm on that journey. Of course I hope to get to the point where I can love and accept my body, but I really don't know if I ever will get there. Until then I will try to not be as hard on myself, I will try to find the little things I do like, and I will continue to train my mind and body to be better and stronger than before. I encourage you to do the same. If you are on the journey, great, but don't make the same mistake I did- Be on the journey to love your body not the number on the scale!

kpierce7188

This was amazing to read I have been struggling as well. When I was bigger I didn't let my image bother me it was who I was and that was that. Now I am constantly criticizing how I look and how maybe if I lost another 5 lbs I wouldn't look so disgusting. I think we picture ourselves looking like a model after our journey and that's just not realistic. I'm so glad I am not the only one still struggling even after my dramatic weight loss. You are beautiful and thank you for posting!!!

sofaking6

I really feel you on the not-fat but not-thin part. I feel like a lot of my life is like that. Not pretty, not ugly. Not rich, not poor. Not fat, not thin. Nobody would ever think of offering me help with anything, let alone an opportunity like Biggest Loser or Extreme Home Makeover or anything like that, even though I struggle with weight and looks and money every single day.

Maybe it's the radical feminist in me (thanks mom! no really ) but I hear something in your post, something that brings up the idea of women's bodies being considered public property in our society. Everyone else gets to decide how you should look, and how you do look is everyone's business and open for commentary at all time. And unless you've ever had a super rockin' body and gotten to hear all of the comments that go along with that, then generally you've just heard criticism and critique your whole life. So it seems like a no-brainer to me that at some point that gets internalized to where you just think of your body as something to pick apart since that's how other people have always treated it. It's almost like, now that nobody else is talking *kitten* about my body, I guess I better pick up the slack and handle that myself.

abigail659

WoW! Thank you for posting this. It's just want I need to hear (that I am not alone). I lost 24lbs and expected to look like a victoria secret model and that's just not the case. I would say I'm normally pretty level headed and normal, but since my weight loss, I've been depressed with a major lack of confidence. I know I feel this way because I'm constantly comparing myself to society’s images of a beautiful woman (celebrities and instagram models). To be honest, I seriously think about going to a therapist to work through the negative self-image I have. It’s a struggle and I’m not sure where I will end up, but it’s so comforting to hear it from other beautiful women who have the same problems. All 3 of you are beautiful and I appreciate you posting today!

k9mom2898

Thank you for this post. I feel as though you were also writing on my behalf. My heaviest weight in 2006 was 243lbs and was able to "diet" away 60lbs. I experienced the same type of comments and heavy heart. Unfortunately once off the "diet," I gained back most of the weight. Since then I have fluctuated in the 225-230lb range and of course have felt even worse because I am still surrounded by the same people who would always comment. I have been following MFP for two weeks and am amazed at the difference between "dieting" and being aware and responsive to what and how I eat. Although I agree with you that it can be difficult to love your body - even at goal, I must tell you that I would thank the heavens to be where you are right now, with all the improvements and imperfections that may exist. I need to get to 145-150lbs (that is where I will be most healthy at 5'5"), and reading accounts such as yours make me feel that I am not alone in how I feel and that this time it will not be a quick fix but a lifelong change and journey. I wish you the very best.

Jenepher1202

Thank you all for responding! It also gives me comfort knowing I'm not alone.

Barbs2222

First, I think you look great! Then I'll tell you, that I was never happy with my body either. Not because of weight but because I have some deformations that my friends made fun of as a child. Okay wait, people said things well into my 30's. Then I had my kids at 39 and 41. They are fine, thank goodness. Anyway that's when I started loving my body. It's an amazing thing to have kids. It's an amazing thing to have a body that could make a life. Now that I'm older I also love my body because I have no pain. I can't tell you how many of my friends and family have some kind of health problems. So I guess what I'm trying to say is looks, blah, whatever, health priceless. But to me you look like you have them both lucky girl

I hate that, we as women. are suppose to worry about what we "look" like instead of realizing we are all beautiful just the way we are.

danaberge

You are not alone. I did this when I was 18. I lost 90lbs and kept it off for 5 years. BUT - I still wasn't happy. I had a low self-image despite what I got done. So - I gained it all back when I was 24 and more. It's so important to self talk UP. So - now at 30 years old i'm doing it slow and with LOVE. Love for myself big or small - done or undone. So far I have lost 59 of the 120 I need to lose. So - half way there after a year and a half but this time I RESPECT myself. I talk to myself like I would talk to my best friend. Not an enemy. Good luck ladies. It's a battle always but we must be kind to ourselves.

blossom015

danaberge wrote: »

You are not alone. I did this when I was 18. I lost 90lbs and kept it off for 5 years. BUT - I still wasn't happy. I had a low self-image despite what I got done. So - I gained it all back when I was 24 and more. It's so important to self talk UP. So - now at 30 years old i'm doing it slow and with LOVE. Love for myself big or small - done or undone. So far I have lost 59 of the 120 I need to lose. So - half way there after a year and a half but this time I RESPECT myself. I talk to myself like I would talk to my best friend. Not an enemy. Good luck ladies. It's a battle always but we must be kind to ourselves.

Congratulations on your weight loss but most importantly on self talk Up I am literally in tears over your words and this post in general. We have to respect and speak kindly to ourselves at every size. The real battle is within.

Jenepher1202

I try to not say bad things about my body out loud. I feel that only makes me believe them more. I know my body is a beautiful thing for all that it does for me. It is strong, healthy, given me two children and even when pushed to the max it still performs for me. I hope, my goal is to find love in that. I want to be able to say because I know those things- I'm going to love my body.. I wish it was that easy. Everyday I wake up and make the choice "I am going to love myself today". There are days I fail at this, but the good thing is.... Some days I win. Some days are better than no days, and hopefully some days will become most days. It's hard, ladies. It's really hard. We live in a society where "real" woman are not celebrated. We are brainwashed into thinking the photoshopped model is what is real and the way we should look. As a woman I feel pressured to have it all together all the time. I must have the perfect body, but still cook amazing dinners, my kids should behaved, husband happy, clean house, good job.. All while having a smile on my face. Which leads to me being fake and not honest with what I'm struggling with. But when I wrote the original post I was at a point, where I felt alone, and was tired of putting on the fake smile. I do not wish for anybody to feel the same as me, but it does help to know I'm not alone. I hope all of you(including myself) find an everlasting peace with loving oursleves.

keelybird57

I have weighed between 200# &300# most of my adult life (I'm 58). Altho I know that when I reach my goal, I will have saggy skin, like an elephant, I will still be more comfortable than I am today. I'll be more comfortable moving, sitting, in social situations, in my clothes, walking, traveling, etc. Remember how you felt when you were over 200. And how you feel in your skin today. Feel how strong and healthy you are. You are lovely!

slbuchanan361

Thinking those things ALL the time, constantly comparing myself to someone else. Sooooo needed to hear this!!!!

janisvin

LOVE what you wrote! At the end of the day we are still stuck with ourselves. After dealing with poundage there is always more to tackle. It's difficult but I'm trying to take myself on regularly! Thanks for all the honesty.

angela233Z

Fantastic post. Thank you

socioseguro

Congratulations for your achievement. Many thanks for sharing your inspiring experience.
I suggest you repost at MFP message board "Success stories". This is an awesome success in my book.
God bless you and a big hug

Jenepher1202

Thanks for the suggestion; I just reposted it in success stories.

Frostygirl2790

Awesome and inspiring post, thank you...your words and story makes me realize I'm not alone. I'm on this lifestyle journey for the third time around and they say things happen for a reason. I don't know you but