Unsupportive Partners

fatbegone87

I've had lots of family make fun of my healthy eating and exercise. Some would say I don't need to. It was very hard because i felt like just giving up to fit in with everyone. But I have health issues that have kept me eating the way I do. I finally realized that the ones who were giving me a hard time and being down right rude were family members who wanted to lose weight and were upset I was able to maintain my figure and look good. I had to remind myself that they love me but were upset were they were with their weight. To not give up because I could be a good example for them later and help them if they needed help with losing weight and eating healthy.

Wiseandcurious

I see no problem with people being "passive" about my attempts to lose weight - the only one who needs to be active about it is me. And I've never had to deal with downright negativity but frankly most people around me don't notice my weight loss in any way other than the results. I make a point of it not affecting anyone else's lifestyle. I don't even cook separately for myself, just eat smaller portions of whatever the family is having or compensate with my meals away from family. It's my lifestyle that needs to change, not theirs.

WickedPineapple

nightingale702 wrote: »

Is anyone else is living with someone unsupportive or passive about your health goals? That could be a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, parent or even child.

What helps you overcome the temptation when they crack a beer next to you or decide to order pizza? Or when you'd like a buddy for walking or joining a gym?

Honestly, passive is definitely preferable to unsupportive. I think most people would rate what they prefer in their partner differently, but for me it goes like this: active support, passive support, apathy, passive opposition, actively undermining, and unwanted/un-asked-for encouragement.

I have two exes who responded... differently. The first gave me unwanted encouragement. Basically he told me I needed to eat better and exercise more. I didn't ask his opinion on this. He was definitely a 'fixer-upper' type and told me one day that I was "almost perfect" (that's a red flag, folks). My next ex oscillated between supportive and actively undermining. He would go for walks with me some days. Then he'd bring home my favorite cookies or cupcakes for me, wouldn't eat any, after I asked him to stop. I know he wasn't doing this to undermine my efforts, he was just trying to make me happy, but that's what happened! (In retrospect, I should have thrown them out.) Passive or apathetic isn't that bad compared to these other reactions. Luckily, my husband oscillates between actively and passively supporting me. One of my favorite qualities of our relationship is that we are mutually supportive of each others' goals and dreams.

However, asking your SO to change their eating habits for your benefit, when they have no desire to, is not particularly reasonable on your part. As other's have said, you have to do this for you.

shrinkingletters

I used to, but not anymore. 150lbs lost, and happier.

AllOutof_Bubblegum

Here's the thing: while it's great to have someone by your side to cheer you on and hold your hand throughout a difficult struggle, the fact of the matter is that it's YOUR struggle. No one else's.

Let's imagine for a moment that your husband was totally supportive, and suggested healthy alternatives, and encouraged you to not go back for seconds or reach for that cake...you'd reach your goal, but it wouldn't be YOUR success. It's be his, or at least his and yours together. Call me crazy, but that would just infuriate me. No WAY I'd want anyone to share in my success. I did it! No one else! The feeling you get from knowing and owning that is so precious, and to me, worth every struggle when my chef husband would make alfredo scallops sauteed in butter and cream, or homemade deep dish pizza with a whole pound of bacon and sausage.

shadowloss

wolverine66 wrote: »

I didn't even tell my wife when I started this. I didn't tell a single person. This is something I needed to do in order to change my life. I needed to make my weight and health goals fit into my every day life - not make my every day life conform to my weight and health goals.

This means, I drink beer, eat pizza, wings, cake, tacos, and whatever. Because I need to be able to have what I want but make it fit into my life.

i didn't want my wife to change what she wanted for me. i didn't want to alter my son's meals for my sake.

eventually, my wife noticed (i mean, 60 lbs, she had to) and she is proud of me. but i still don't ask her to make any changes in the name of my goals. i've gotten this far being unobtrusive, so we'll stick with what works.

I second this and it actually sounds like I would have wrote it. It's about me and me only. No one knew about my change until I started to reject second portions, and eat healthier options. Then I joined a gym and now everything is in the open. Although my life does not dictate those around me. They have their own lives to live. I want to be a good example for my kids, but I don't deny them the opportunity to be a kid.

blufforbust

I joined my wife in losing weight. We do it differently but we've both lost about 30lbs each.

nightingale702

Thanks of all the thoughts everyone.

I personally feel that fitness or weight loss is largely a personal journey, but that having a partner in life in a healthy relationship would naturally allow those goals to mesh. Because it's a positive change, and because the "health-enlightened" partner cares about the other's health and wellbeing. Habits and willpower are very hard things though, I think that comes with all aspects of relationships.

For now I'm the only one using our join gym membership. Since I do the grocery shopping, whatever is in the house is what my parter eats. Our schedules are mismatched but I have a feeling he eats out for lunch nearly ever day (hints were the subway sandwich napkins on the table and his car full of fast food bags). I care a bout him and his health immensely, but I don't bring it up. Hopefully it will rub off, as positive things seem to do naturally!

MelodyandBarbells

Maybe you could save some $$ by downgrading the membership to a single rather than joint? Did he ever show any actual interest in using it? Even if they're interested in exercise, some people do prefer other stuff such as walking/running outside, basketball game with the buddies, etc. Also I don't know if it's just a convenience thing that he's got the wrappers in the car, but consider that ideally he should be able to eat what he wants without being or feeling judged

Unknown

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fitnurse09

I usually say something like "put the cookie down!" (and usually its not a cookie) and then I will walk away from the delicious smell and feel great of my choice.

nightingale702

JaneiR36teams.0863 wrote:

Maybe you could save some $$ by downgrading the membership to a single rather than joint? Did he ever show any actual interest in using it? Even if they're interested in exercise, some people do prefer other stuff such as walking/running outside, basketball game with the buddies, etc. Also I don't know if it's just a convenience thing that he's got the wrappers in the car, but consider that ideally he should be able to eat what he wants without being or feeling judged

Thanks for the thoughts!
Its cheaper for each of us with the joint membership, even if he doesn't actually go. That's a great idea, community sports. I was talking with coworkers about softball teams Etc., maybe that's a start.
To be clear, the fast food bags are things I notice, but never talk to him about. I'm making and educated guess that what he's consuming is unhealthy, and I care about his health, but I don't think that reflects on him as a person or any type of judgment of that type.

nightingale702

fitnurse09 wrote: »

I usually say something like "put the cookie down!" (and usually its not a cookie) and then I will walk away from the delicious smell and feel great of my choice.

That's a great thing. Lol!

CSARdiver

My wife and I were out of synch on fitness - I originally wanted to be more active and she wasn't interested. Then years later she became more interested and I became less. Now we're in synch with working out and getting closer to doing things together with the kids, but not there yet. We walk/hike/bike with the kids, but still want to do more backpacking/racing/mud runs, etc. What we lack now is time.

Chieflrg

I fail to understand how drinking a beer or ordering a pizza is unsupportive any more than you eating what you want unsupportive to him.

If he was handing you a beer that you made it clear you didn't want at the time or slapping a piece of pizza on your plate when you didn't allocate cals for it, then I can see your point.

nightingale702

Chieflrg wrote: »

I fail to understand how drinking a beer or ordering a pizza is unsupportive any more than you eating what you want unsupportive to him.

If he was handing you a beer that you made it clear you didn't want at the time or slapping a piece of pizza on your plate when you didn't allocate cals for it, then I can see your point.

I see your point. I'd say its more passive than unsupportive, which is where a lot of people probably find themselves with their partners, although some people might actually have to navigate through remarks like "you look great, stop worrying so much about what you are eating and enjoy this dinner I made/bought!"

ElizabethKalmbach

My husband and I have drastically different schedules, and drastically different health needs. I have bizarre auto-immune issues, and he has trouble getting healthy amounts of sleep. We belong to different gyms (I get discounts at the University I work for, he belongs to an MMA focused gym, because that's how he likes to work out.), the only meal we eat together is dinner, and even when we eat together, he'll be dodging carbs and acidic foods, and I'll be eating those same things like they're going out of style. Meanwhile, our 5-year-old child has decided that she's a vegetarian and will want craisins, peanutbutter, cheese, and carrots for dinner. AGAIN.

We each choose our own road to healthy, and how hard we work on it on a given day, and what the definition of healthy even IS. That doesn't mean we love each other any less. It just means we have three different bodies with different needs. Find your road, make your plan. Execute.