Insecurity ruining my marriage

Options
DanniB423
DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
in Motivation and Support
Three years ago I lost 55 lbs and felt amazing. Since then I have lost touch and gained it all back. I feel miserable and terrible about myself. This has greatly effected my marriage. I have so much self doubt lately and can't help but feel insecure and that it is only a matter of time before my husband sees me the way I do. Recently he was texting a much older coworker and I lost it. There was nothing inappropriate but I admit my reaction was parallel to finding out he hired a hooker. They were texting often and it spiraled me out of control. I feel like I don't know who I am. I am a happy and outgoing person normally and now I am anti social and sad all the time. I am tired of being the ugliest girl in the room and feeling like no matter how nice my hair make up and clothes look it's thrown out because I'm fat. I feel like I've pushed my husband away and he is getting fed up. I signed back up here and have lost 16 pounds and already feel better. I guess all of this rambling leads to a question. How do I repair damage with someone who doesn't understand what it feels like to be so insecure ? And those who have lost weight.. Do you feel losing weight fixes your head? Are you unhappy because you are fat or fat because you are unhappy?
«13

Replies

  • DSpada
    DSpada Posts: 39 Member
    Options
    Losing the weight will not "fix" anything but your health. Sit down and tell him how you feel or simply show him what you wrote here. I'm sure he loves you no matter what and will respect that you are up front and honest with him.
  • kijum
    kijum Posts: 14 Member
    Options
    I can definitely relate to you. I've always been terribly insecure about my weight / appearance & it's been a constant problem in my relationship with the father of my children. I know what it's like to push the one you care about the most away out of fear of losing them. Kind of ironic... But that's how it seems to work. Congrats on starting to losing the weight again! That's a great thing that you've accomplished! But do it for yourself, not for him. One thing I've learned is that you can't make someone else love you, but you can learn to love yourself. Then you won't need a husband who hires hookers.. Right? My boyfriend and I have been slowly trying to work things out. It takes effort from both sides, I think and a lot of time... I think it would help if you both sat down together & rationally explained how you each feel... What you can put up with & what needs to change... Etc.
  • MoiAussi93
    MoiAussi93 Posts: 1,948 Member
    edited May 2015
    Options
    The only way to reparit the damage is to change the behavior. If his texts were sexual or flirtatious, you have a legitimate reason to complain and HIS behavior is what needs to change. But if, as you say, they were NOT inappropriate, then YOUR behavior definitely needs to change. To keep acting like that, especially if it is not something you did from the beginning, will cause problems and might eventually weaken the relationship enough to bring about the end...either because he just gets fed up, or because your behavior causes him to act out in ways that drive you away.
  • oocdc2
    oocdc2 Posts: 1,361 Member
    Options
    RodaRose wrote: »
    Losing weight will not fix anything in a relationship. Finding a therapist can help you feel better.
    This. You both seem to have some things to work out, and a neutral third party could help. Good luck!
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
    Options
    sperkins68 wrote: »
    I can relate to where you are comming from. I have social anixiety and I feel like everyone is judgeing me. I take alot out on my husband because i am also insecure and i feel like if I was as fat as i am now when he met me we wouldnt be together. I was always getting upset thinking he was looking at other women or wanted someone who was in better shape. one day my husband actually broke down telling me that he cant deal with my emotional outbursts that he just wants me to be happy and he wants his wife back...... so i went to bed that night and cleared my head then the next day when i was in a good mood i had along heart to heart talk with him and just laid everything out and we both decided to move forward and start fresh i looked up for a calorie counter and found this site and since ive been doing this ive actually been happier I also went to my dr and am now on medication for my anixiety. So after all my rambling lol i think you should talk to your husband and explain everything to him and if your insecurity is also associated with anixiety or depression seek help for it talk to your dr. I know it is hard to do i was embaressed.

    This is exactly it. He told me he doesn't feel like he even knows me and that we can't live like this. It broke my heart. I most definitely have anxiety issues to address.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
    Options
    sperkins68 wrote: »
    I can relate to where you are comming from. I have social anixiety and I feel like everyone is judgeing me. I take alot out on my husband because i am also insecure and i feel like if I was as fat as i am now when he met me we wouldnt be together. I was always getting upset thinking he was looking at other women or wanted someone who was in better shape. one day my husband actually broke down telling me that he cant deal with my emotional outbursts that he just wants me to be happy and he wants his wife back...... so i went to bed that night and cleared my head then the next day when i was in a good mood i had along heart to heart talk with him and just laid everything out and we both decided to move forward and start fresh i looked up for a calorie counter and found this site and since ive been doing this ive actually been happier I also went to my dr and am now on medication for my anixiety. So after all my rambling lol i think you should talk to your husband and explain everything to him and if your insecurity is also associated with anixiety or depression seek help for it talk to your dr. I know it is hard to do i was embaressed.
    This is exactly what is happening. I can so relate. Thank you for sharing.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
    Options
    He didn't really hire a hooker. Lol
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    Options
    Id suggest you get some therapy/counseling to build up your self confidence/ self esteem. Lot of it is occurring in your head and its you thats done the damage, not from eating, but through your insecurity. Explain to your husband and just ask for his patience. I think losing the weight might make you slighly less anxious, bit imo it runs deeper and it wont solve the underlying baggage.
  • Ollyollyr
    Ollyollyr Posts: 11 Member
    Options
    I totally understand where you are coming from.

    I am single, so my situation is different, but I have convinced myself that I will never find someone until I lose the weight. I have also convinced myself that excess weight is the only reason I am single, so I know I am setting myself up for a massive fall, but hey ho.

    In answer to your question though......both. I am unhappy because I am fat, so I eat, and drink and sabotage myself and remain fat and unhappy.

    It's a horrible cycle, but look around this site. There are so many people that have broken out of it......and they all have one thing in common. They have done it for themselves. Anything else is incidental. Good luck!!
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,089 Member
    Options
    I've been there before. I actually just wrote about this today in another thread so apparently it's common.
    I was over weight and depressed but would eat and eat more, it was definitely a vicious cycle. I would think to myself, "why would my husband want me? I'm fat so he's probably looking for someone else that's thin!"
    Finally when I was ready, I made the life style change and also realized these issues ran deeper then just my weight. After a lot of soul searching and hard work, I'm finally happy. I realized I had to deal with a lost of issues before I was fully able to move forward.
    Now I'm 135 lbs and think about things a lot differently then I used to. Now I think, " , if he doesn't want me then oh well because I'll be fine either way"
    You have to work through everything that causes you to behave like that(having a fit about co workers if it wasn't anything inappropriate ) and work on the issues with anxiety. When you truly sort that stuff out you'll feel much better. But don't be shocked when weight loss alone isn't enough to solve these problems. Likely it's much deeper then that.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    Options
    thorsmom01 wrote: »
    I've been there before. I actually just wrote about this today in another thread so apparently it's common.
    I was over weight and depressed but would eat and eat more, it was definitely a vicious cycle. I would think to myself, "why would my husband want me? I'm fat so he's probably looking for someone else that's thin!"
    Finally when I was ready, I made the life style change and also realized these issues ran deeper then just my weight. After a lot of soul searching and hard work, I'm finally happy. I realized I had to deal with a lost of issues before I was fully able to move forward.
    Now I'm 135 lbs and think about things a lot differently then I used to. Now I think, " , if he doesn't want me then oh well because I'll be fine either way"
    You have to work through everything that causes you to behave like that(having a fit about co workers if it wasn't anything inappropriate ) and work on the issues with anxiety. When you truly sort that stuff out you'll feel much better. But don't be shocked when weight loss alone isn't enough to solve these problems. Likely it's much deeper then that.

    This absolutely, theres a worrying indication OP that you see the weight loss as being the solution to make everything better.
    if he doesn't want me then oh well because I'll be fine either way
    I liked that thorsmom.
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,089 Member
    Options
    999tigger wrote: »
    thorsmom01 wrote: »
    I've been there before. I actually just wrote about this today in another thread so apparently it's common.
    I was over weight and depressed but would eat and eat more, it was definitely a vicious cycle. I would think to myself, "why would my husband want me? I'm fat so he's probably looking for someone else that's thin!"
    Finally when I was ready, I made the life style change and also realized these issues ran deeper then just my weight. After a lot of soul searching and hard work, I'm finally happy. I realized I had to deal with a lost of issues before I was fully able to move forward.
    Now I'm 135 lbs and think about things a lot differently then I used to. Now I think, " , if he doesn't want me then oh well because I'll be fine either way"
    You have to work through everything that causes you to behave like that(having a fit about co workers if it wasn't anything inappropriate ) and work on the issues with anxiety. When you truly sort that stuff out you'll feel much better. But don't be shocked when weight loss alone isn't enough to solve these problems. Likely it's much deeper then that.

    This absolutely, theres a worrying indication OP that you see the weight loss as being the solution to make everything better.
    if he doesn't want me then oh well because I'll be fine either way
    I liked that thorsmom.
    Thanks. Yes I thought the same thing. I seriously felt just like the op before. I thought it was my weight that was the problem. In reality, there where many many issues that had nothing to do with weight that needed to be dealt with before I could heal. In fact, those issues are likely why I turned to food for comfort back then. So yes, it's usually far deeper then just weight loss.
    I remember a time that we where at the mall. I was holding back tears because I looked around and felt so badly because I was over weight. I saw so many thin ladies that looked nice and thought my husband wanted them over me. (Nobody at the mall said anything to either of us, I just thought that but it wasn't provoked)
    I'm happy I worked through those issues because feeling like that it seriously miserable. Now I don't even notice others in a mall because I could care less how thin others are. If my husband wants thin ladies/ over weight ladies/ whatever, then so be it because I am secure and know I'll be 100% okay either way. I could be alone and still be 100% fine because I'm happy with the person I am now.
    Op, I know how awful this feels. Please work through it but seriously just know it's not just about weight.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
    Options
    Thank you everyone seriously. It is really nice to feel like I am not alone or others have experienced this. I truly hate feeling this way. Little minor marriage problems get blown into huge deal because of how I am feeling. I thought "Danni who are you?!?!?" So many times this past month. I even avoid going to class functions at my daughters school because a first grader told my daughter I was fat. It broke my heart and realIZed it bothers me because I know it's true and I need to make a change. I have made a change and I am going to stick to it. I also am
    Going to talk to someone for sure. I know this is not how I am supposed to be and I want to get back to the real Danni again. Yalls words mean more than you know. Thanks a lot.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
    Options
    thorsmom01 wrote: »
    I've been there before. I actually just wrote about this today in another thread so apparently it's common.
    I was over weight and depressed but would eat and eat more, it was definitely a vicious cycle. I would think to myself, "why would my husband want me? I'm fat so he's probably looking for someone else that's thin!"
    Finally when I was ready, I made the life style change and also realized these issues ran deeper then just my weight. After a lot of soul searching and hard work, I'm finally happy. I realized I had to deal with a lost of issues before I was fully able to move forward.
    Now I'm 135 lbs and think about things a lot differently then I used to. Now I think, " , if he doesn't want me then oh well because I'll be fine either way"
    You have to work through everything that causes you to behave like that(having a fit about co workers if it wasn't anything inappropriate ) and work on the issues with anxiety. When you truly sort that stuff out you'll feel much better. But don't be shocked when weight loss alone isn't enough to solve these problems. Likely it's much deeper then that.
    Thank you so much. I DO need to get to that "if he ever goes... I'll be okay." Not because I want it to but because I need to be okay with myself. You helped a lot.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
    Options
    My weight should not be such a gauge for happiness. And I can't wait until I hit goal. I know i need to drop my "I'll be happy when...." Mindset. Except who I am now and do better every day.
  • anonyster
    anonyster Posts: 5 Member
    Options
    I got sick for about a year and developed a lot of anxiety problems as a result. That made me do the same "who are you?" thoughts you had. 8 weeks of cognitive behavioral therapy completely turned me around. It's fast, effective, long-lasting, and sounds like it would be totally appropriate for you. I can't recommend it enough.
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,089 Member
    Options
    DanniB423 wrote: »
    Thank you everyone seriously. It is really nice to feel like I am not alone or others have experienced this. I truly hate feeling this way. Little minor marriage problems get blown into huge deal because of how I am feeling. I thought "Danni who are you?!?!?" So many times this past month. I even avoid going to class functions at my daughters school because a first grader told my daughter I was fat. It broke my heart and realIZed it bothers me because I know it's true and I need to make a change. I have made a change and I am going to stick to it. I also am
    Going to talk to someone for sure. I know this is not how I am supposed to be and I want to get back to the real Danni again. Yalls words mean more than you know. Thanks a lot.

    I remember feeling that exact way. No matter how nice my clothes looked, or how tan I was, or pretty hair, I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin. Once you get your self esteem back, you'll feel much better. I definitely understand what you mean by little things getting blown into huge deals because of this. After some soul searching, I think you'll be okay. It's going to take time but the good news is that your already aware that this is an issue, and are looking for ways to resolve it. Once you begin to change, little things like an old lady texting your husband about work issues , won't even bother you anymore. Continue on with your weight loss and look for some ways to get to the bottom of any underlying issues and you'll be fine!
  • fitcurves6693
    fitcurves6693 Posts: 3,401 Member
    Options
    I wouldn't take all the blame in the situation. There is such a thing as an emotional affair. You definitely need to talk to each other in stead of about each other. You got this!

Categories