Problems Maintaining with Family
dpr73
Posts: 495 Member
I lost my weight last year and have maintained at approx 140lbs this entire year (one year in March). However, psychologically sometimes I get really down. This happens mostly when I am with family. I am a person who enjoys a routine so I eat the same kinds of foods (with variation each day tho) and workout 5 days a week. However, when I am home from college I struggle with my family and worry about being able to maintain in that setting. I am about 5'7-5'8 male and 20 years old. My older bro is around 190 with good muscle and works out while my little brother is 170 and 5'9 and works out a ton with a lot of muscle and a super fast metabolism (both athletes). The rest of my immediate family is overweight or obese. In this atmosphere, I struggle to trust myself and find myself giving into the judgments of my family. For example, I am on a small vacation with grandparents (after a big graduation ceremony this weekend). Today, I had some yogurt with cereal and banana and for lunch 2 pizza slices and a beer at around 5. Then I had a cheeseburger for dinner and an ice cream sandwich. I wasn't really craving an ice cream but my family wanted it and people always comment when I'm the only one not eating so I ate it. I don't feel sick or too full but normally I wouldn't even give a thought to having it as I don't exactly crave sweets anymore. Small things like this have been going on all week and though my clothes fit fine and I don't feel too full, these habits are not my usual. Sometimes I feel like my surrounding family wants me to eat like my two brothers who are active and bigger than me, but I feel satisfied the way I eat. Again, I don't feel sick or full from having a little extra this past week but they are still behaviors I wouldn't do. I don't count but I am a good judge of what satisfies me so eating treats which I never really eat makes me nervous that I am doing something wrong... I have also never been lean before (always around a 30 Bmi) so I don't know what it's like to eat enough as a skinnier person. Does anyone have experience with this and are week's like this normal? I know and trust I will be back to what I usually do afterwards but in the moment I still think this kind of eating for a whole week is excessive. Hopefully this post is clear any assistance you could provide is a big help!
I suppose my main thing is I don't know if it's okay to overeat like this for a week and not slowly put on weight. I almost never overdo it so I don't know how to manage overdoing it
I suppose my main thing is I don't know if it's okay to overeat like this for a week and not slowly put on weight. I almost never overdo it so I don't know how to manage overdoing it
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Just an fyi, make sure to break up your posts into some paragraphs so it's not a giant wall of text. But I can understand your concerns. My parents didn't exactly grow up in a dieting atmosphere. We're sort of just recently reacting to this new era of a lot of food and over eating. My parents always make big portions and cook a lot, and it felt terrible letting food go to waste by not eating it all.
It's probably a bad analogy, but it's like trying to quit crack in a crack house or give up alcohol in a bar. It makes it tougher, but you just gotta have that self control. Eating the foods isn't too problematic either, just make sure to exercise a lot at least so you are really burning the calories from it.0 -
Yeah, weeks like that are normal. You hear about people going on vacation who face the same struggle. I can sympathize with not knowing how a fit person eats. Please don't feel guilty for eating those foods! Honestly it sounds like your choices were reasonable.. it's not like you had a binge fest. And if you did, that's ok. It happens sometimes. Part of being fit for life is being able to incorporate all kinds of foods when you have to. There's a reason why many people believe in moderation. I don't think you're going to undo all your hard work in a week! Just relax and take it one day at a time, enjoy the food and the time with your fam0
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If you want to eat, then eat, it's a break and you can have one. On the other hand, if you really don't particularly want to join in, just tell them. I don't really fancy that at the moment.
I spent over 20 years overweight because I didn't stand up for myself and just ate what everyone else wanted to eat. It has taken 2 slow and painful years but now my family respect my way of eating.
Earlier this year my daughter realized she had put on weight started to eat "my way" including weighing her food, which she derided me for all of last year. She's 25. My sons, 18 and 24 are coming round to the healthy side for most meals, though being super skinny I actually encourage them to eat more, and eat stuff I wouldn't touch with a barge pole. This is because they are hard gainers and need it. I am not and I don't.
Just my 110 kilo hubby to convert now. He just doesn't understand why he can't eat like my boys do! But he will get there.
Whatever your choices you are eating for you, not anyone else. Good luck :-)0 -
Don't beat yourself up over it, at least you can go back to your ways when you're not with them. However, you can definitely experiment with different ways to refuse.
What might help is simply not taking the ice cream and checking your emotions when you get negative reactions from them. Try to tell yourself that they're going to react, and that's ok. That is them. Unless they force-feed you, you can simply not have one, and there's nothing they can do about it.
I find that by not arguing about it, but just calmly and happily doing whatever you want to do eventually leads to people accepting your stance. (I think arguing about it somehow reinforces their idea that they have a say)
Good luck!0 -
Just out of interest, what are your stats? you give your brothers' but not yours?0
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I am 5'7-5'8 140lbs and maintaining that for a bit more than a year nowTavistockToad wrote: »Just out of interest, what are your stats? you give your brothers' but not yours?0 -
Your body - you choose what to put it in.
Being in your late teens /early twenties is tough because the adults around you still feel like they have some say over your choices (and they did for the vast majority of your life so far).
But making choices that are right for you and owning them despite the opinions of those you love is an important stage in transitioning into an adult. And by doing this, you'll teach your family to treat you more like an adult too.0 -
I'm twice your age and I still feel a loss of control when I'm around my parents. That seems to be just part of life. My parents like to have ice cream after every meal. Their idea of a serving of ice cream and my idea are very different. Serve yourself, when you can. And if you can find some time to exercise a little extra, that will offset the increase in calories.0
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Whether it be family, friends, or co-workers there will always be situations where "you" feel like you have to eat or indulge with them. You're going to have to learn to say 'no' or allow yourself a couple of bites. I have a three bite rule on indulgences.
These situations aren't going to go away so find a way to deal. Good Luck!0 -
Tell me about it! All my sisters and my mom are big and my mom and sister are diabetic. I grew up on Mexican food so it was rough to tell my mom I can't eat that because I'm training. They thought it was a phase I was in, but I stuck to it for 10 years so they definitely know NOW its a lifestyle not a temporary thing or something I can be talked out of. You can politely say "No thank you, I'm not a hungry right now. " Once they see your consistent and won't waiver they will let it be. You can think of it as a test. You chose a healthy lifestyle so just keep that your focus. Everyone has an opinion but you have your convictions which is most important? Hope that helps.0
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What I find really helps is to eat most of what everyone else eats for shared meals and just take small portions. So if people have ice cream, I just take 1/4 cup or one cookie or a small serving of whatever. I take a lot of healthy veggies and skip the rolls and bread. Then I join in and eat slowly.
Breakfast and lunch, I just smile and say "I'm a creature of habit."
It helps to remember they are trying to be friendly and express love through food - they don't want you to deprive yourself when obviously 'you don't have to' (i.e., you're skinny now). And eating is social - you say you don't like what others are eating and you're dissing their food culture. Plus some people can be sanctimonious about being careful about food, and they always get tweaked.
So smile, share when it makes you feel good, but just enough that it DOES feel good, reassure them that you're just quirky, and keep it up. Lots of families (and friends and colleagues) are like that. It's a good skill to build.0 -
I can relate to having other people raise eyebrows and make comments about what you choose to eat or not eat even when you are being sensible (not restricting). Just try to enjoy yourself and keep making decisions that you want to make, not based on what other people think you should do. I know, easier said than done.0
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My wife is thin and can pretty much eat whatever she wants to and never gain weight, luckily she's a pretty healthy eater. She's not really on board with everything I do and gets annoyed when she's cooking and has to tell me everything she's adding to the meal so I can log it on MFP, but she's coming around. It's hard at times, but I just stick to my guns and tell her I'm not going to let her drag me down!
That might sound harsh, but people who are skinny without doing anything will NEVER understand how it is to be overweight.
I have to second the statement from marthaelisa80 "Once they see you're consistent and won't waiver they will let it be." That is very true and I've seen that happen with my wife, she's still annoyed occasionally, but she rarely argues with me when I make her pause the TV so I can log my dinner!
I follow a IIFYM diet, so I can eat anything I want, within reason, so I can usually eat whatever my family is eating, but in a controlled portion. There are some things I don't eat because it's just way too many calories even in a small serving.
The last thing I'll say is that while a cheat day here or there is okay, don't let it get away from you. You could easily eat enough junk in one week with your family to equal 3 weeks of your normal calorie load!0 -
^My gf had a really tough time when I started logging food and asking what was in our dinners as well. She doesn't count calories and to her it seems obsessive and almost alone the lines of having an eating disorder. I've logged consistently for 200 some days, so she's gotten used to it and doesn't seem irritated/ bothered any more.0
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1 - what you described for your meals today doesn't seem unreasonable to me at all...
2 - you exercise when you're away at school...how about doing the same when you get home.
3 - you're an adult now and capable of making your own choices...you need to learn to own them.0 -
AbsoluteTara79 wrote: »Your body - you choose what to put it in.
Being in your late teens /early twenties is tough because the adults around you still feel like they have some say over your choices (and they did for the vast majority of your life so far).
But making choices that are right for you and owning them despite the opinions of those you love is an important stage in transitioning into an adult. And by doing this, you'll teach your family to treat you more like an adult too.
This is great advice!0 -
You'll have to find what works for you and sometimes our environment is more of a struggle than at other times.
Control what you can and don't stress over what you can't. For example if you don't want the ice cream others want have what you do want, maybe for you it's a soda, a beer or cup of coffee, a treat doesn't have to be what everyone else is having.
As for exercise, how about getting together with your brothers for some sports, b-ball or football just to burn off a little energy and you'll most likely feel better about those foods that get pushed on you.
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cwolfman13 wrote: »1 - what you described for your meals today doesn't seem unreasonable to me at all...
2 - you exercise when you're away at school...how about doing the same when you get home.
3 - you're an adult now and capable of making your own choices...you need to learn to own them.
This.
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tl;dr
tell your family to suck it0 -
Lots of good advice for you in this thread. Just being aware of the issue at hand is important, and you seem to know what you need to do to succeed! I know how it feels to have people around who just 'don't get it' - I have been somewhat bullied by friends and accused of having an eating disorder because I turned down cake at a party...that sort of thing (and before anyone gets all, "You can have cake!!! Don't tell him not to eat cake!!!!" on me....I know that....sometimes I'd rather spend my calories on other, more filling things, ok?). You just have to rise above it and own it, you know? Over time, they'll get used to your lifestyle and you'll get used to either eating more/differently in their presence or turning down things that everyone else is eating - just know the choice is all yours. Good luck and congratulations on your hard work! 0
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What I find really helps is to eat most of what everyone else eats for shared meals and just take small portions. So if people have ice cream, I just take 1/4 cup or one cookie or a small serving of whatever.
This. When you have to eat what your family eats, the simple solution is portion control. If they're filling up a dinner plate, you use a salad plate instead. Et cetera. Then you fill up with water or some other no-cal beverage.
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Great advice here. I've always thought there are 2 things going on. The purely mechanical (what you're eating and how much) and the emotional (how it makes me feel when others comment or raise an eyebrow at what they might consider slightly odd habits I've developed in the last 2 years).
On the purely mechanical, I understand. When I'm traveling on business, I frequently do not have a choice at all in the food put on my plate - it comes ready-plated and in many cultures they don't understand that people might avoid certain foods. BUT I am totally in control of what part of that goes into my mouth and as someone said above "I own it".
On the emotional side - developing the strength to deal with it will come with practice, and, dare I say it, age. I'm not confrontational, so telling anyone to s*ck it wouldn't work for me. But I don't make a song and dance about scraping sauces off things, ignoring the mashed potato, declining the bread roll and (heresy!) dessert. The most I've said is that it took a lot of work to lose the weight and I intend to do everything possible to keep it off. Honestly, I've never had that line not work for me.0 -
I suppose my main thing is I don't know if it's okay to overeat like this for a week and not slowly put on weight. I almost never overdo it so I don't know how to manage overdoing it
To borrow the sentiment of what others have said here on MFP: You didn't put all your weight on in a week, so you're not going to re-gain it in a week, either.
For me, the key is that this week sounds like it's not your normal situation. You describe it as being a small vacation. As someone who takes one or two cruises each year, my experience is that the more unusual this period of abnormal eating is, the easier it is to get back on track. If you do this while on vacation, it's easier to say "I'm back home, so it's back to my normal habits".
Your summer spent with your parents is probably going to be more difficult, because, if it's anything like my summers away from home, that was a much more "normal" environment where the habits established therein were harder to drop.
In the end, you are learning one of the skills that it simply takes uncomfortable practice to develop. You know what kind of habits you want to maintain, but you also are among family and don't want to alienate yourself from them. You will simply have to try out various ways of declining the offers and the pressure and find the ways that work for you. And there's not necessarily one way that will work for every situation. I've got some people where I use a simple "No, thanks, I'm good" and leave it at that while there are other people that I'll discuss my diet and eating habits with as my grounds for declining.
Your heart and mind are in the right place. It's simply going to take some time and effort for the "adult you" to become established among your family.
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When in this situation, I look for smaller portions or lower calorie choices. For example when my family went for ice cream, I saw they had a pup cup. I explained I wanted an ice cream so could I pay for a kids portion but get a pup cup? They were very understanding and so that's what I got. I was able to join in but kept my portion/calories down. The women behind me came up to me after and said she wished she had thought to do that, as she felt pressured when out with friends.
The first few times you stand your ground maybe rough, but if you stand firm as others have said they will soon realize you're serious and let it alone.
Good luck!!0 -
I think the key thing from your quote above was the word 'overeat'. In terms of your question - yes, it's sometimes okay to overeat if you want to.
But like you originally said in your first post - overeating doesn't feel good. Eating ENOUGH of what you want feels good. Portion size is your friend, so is distraction. You put things on your plate and look like you're enjoying what you're eating and they'll ignore you. We all have our quirks. This one is yours.
Some great friendly ideas for comebacks though - 'I'm pretty full right now' and "i want to leave room for later' don't leave a lot for argument, especially if you laugh when you say it.0 -
What you described probably fits just fine in your calories, honestly.
But just say no if you really don't feel like having something!0 -
I go through the same thing with my family. Just this past weekend, we had a get-together and I ended up eating a lot of junk (I'm talking Belgium waffles, cookies, candy, fried chicken wings, fried rice, crawfish, pizza, chicken nuggets, french fries, and other random desserts and snacks...on Saturday alone). I always gain weight when we get together like this because we just like to lounge around and graze like cows all day long.
The important thing I've learned this time around is that it's pretty easy to get back on track once you go back to your normal eating pattern and exercise, the sooner the better.
It's ok to give yourself a break once in a while. My last week included a Tuesday late night post graduation pizza party, a separate graduation buffet the next day, the previously mentioned Saturday graze, and a friend's birthday feast Sunday night. Monday, I went back to my normal routine (paring back my calorie intake somewhat) and by this morning, I had lost the 6 pounds I "gained" from the week previous. Even if I didn't lose it all, I would have kept moving on and make sure I didn't keep gaining.0 -
I lost my weight last year and have maintained at approx 140lbs this entire year (one year in March). However, psychologically sometimes I get really down. This happens mostly when I am with family. I am a person who enjoys a routine so I eat the same kinds of foods (with variation each day tho) and workout 5 days a week. However, when I am home from college I struggle with my family and worry about being able to maintain in that setting. I am about 5'7-5'8 male and 20 years old. My older bro is around 190 with good muscle and works out while my little brother is 170 and 5'9 and works out a ton with a lot of muscle and a super fast metabolism (both athletes). The rest of my immediate family is overweight or obese. In this atmosphere, I struggle to trust myself and find myself giving into the judgments of my family. For example, I am on a small vacation with grandparents (after a big graduation ceremony this weekend). Today, I had some yogurt with cereal and banana and for lunch 2 pizza slices and a beer at around 5. Then I had a cheeseburger for dinner and an ice cream sandwich. I wasn't really craving an ice cream but my family wanted it and people always comment when I'm the only one not eating so I ate it. I don't feel sick or too full but normally I wouldn't even give a thought to having it as I don't exactly crave sweets anymore. Small things like this have been going on all week and though my clothes fit fine and I don't feel too full, these habits are not my usual. Sometimes I feel like my surrounding family wants me to eat like my two brothers who are active and bigger than me, but I feel satisfied the way I eat. Again, I don't feel sick or full from having a little extra this past week but they are still behaviors I wouldn't do. I don't count but I am a good judge of what satisfies me so eating treats which I never really eat makes me nervous that I am doing something wrong... I have also never been lean before (always around a 30 Bmi) so I don't know what it's like to eat enough as a skinnier person. Does anyone have experience with this and are week's like this normal? I know and trust I will be back to what I usually do afterwards but in the moment I still think this kind of eating for a whole week is excessive. Hopefully this post is clear any assistance you could provide is a big help!
I suppose my main thing is I don't know if it's okay to overeat like this for a week and not slowly put on weight. I almost never overdo it so I don't know how to manage overdoing it
When I lost my weight back in 2008, my Mom was very concerned about me being "too thin" and in reality I was and am a perfect weight for my height. I don't live with my Mom, I am a married woman close to 50, but it can be hurtful when family doesn't support you at any age.
You have to dig deep and decide what is BEST for YOU. Once you decide, do not let anyone's comments or feelings derail you because it will only hurt you not them.
I have kept my weight off a long time and my Mom still says "I need to be careful not to lose anymore", but what she doesn't know won't hurt her AND I know what is best for my health.
God speed and great job on your weightloss!!!0
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