self-esteem battle

Sheseeksstrength

I just posted earlier about a date, but I obviously need some votes of confidence...
I feel really insecure and I'm unsure why a guy would ask me out on a date. I don't feel pretty enough and I feel like I need to lose weight.

This sounds dumb, but I don't know how to love myself. Women, how do you do it?

misskarne

If he asked you out on a date, clearly he thinks you're pretty, and wonderful.

baby05phat

Sheseeksstrength wrote: »

I just posted earlier about a date, but I obviously need some votes of confidence...
I feel really insecure and I'm unsure why a guy would ask me out on a date. I don't feel pretty enough and I feel like I need to lose weight.

This sounds dumb, but I don't know how to love myself. Women, how do you do it?

I feel the same

Sued0nim

Goddam insecurity

Look ...get some confidence ...and until you do fake it till you make it ...do you like being with people who need constant reassurance or are you drawn to those who enjoy life.

Confidence is built around liking yourself ...do you? So why wouldn't other people?

And in general...do things for other people ...volunteer, be an agent for change in this world ...nothing...nothing gives you confidence like knowing what you do is important to someone

kickassbarbie

Is your insecurity just your weight/appearance?
Because (unless he's blind) he must have seen you and liked what he saw to ask you out!

Every woman (and man) has imperfections the trick to loving yourself is just to acknowledge your not perfect and noone else is either. Focus on what you do that is good, I don't know you but maybe your super funny, smart, sweet and caring or kinda wacky! All good thing to remind yourself of when feeling down.

I'm also a big fan of positive affirmations, I have positive things stuck around the house and on mirrors. Some Audrey Hepburn, marlin Monroe, Winston Churchill quotes etc. And my bathroom mirror currently has "be happy be strong be sexy be you" blue tacked to it. Cheesy but it works over time. (I'm super confident and pretty okay woth myself after hating myself as a teen so somethings working)

athenasurrenders

Oh darlin'.

A guy would ask you on a date because he thinks you'd be a cool person to spend an evening with, and would like to see whether you get on well enough to spend lots of evenings with. Also, he probably thinks you're sexy.

First off, I have no idea what you look like but I can 100% guarantee you are somebody's idea of a dream woman. Seriously. Tastes vary massively. If you have a big butt, there's guys out there who wish they could date a girl with a butt like yours. If you have a flat chest, or hairy legs, or long slender fingers, or love handles.... guess what? Someone out there is thinking 'that's perfect for me!'

But I know self esteem is much more complicated than that and lord knows I've struggled with it. It sounds cheesy, but positive affirmations like barbie suggested do work if you stick with them. Your mental image of yourself is messed up and you need to fix it but it takes work. The trick is to catch yourself thinking negative thoughts and turn it around.

Here's something that works for me. If I find myself mentally making a comment about myself, I stop, and ask myself 'would I say that to another woman?' I used to tell myself all the time I was disgusting, worthless, gross. I would NEVER say those things to my best friend, my mother, hell, not even to a stranger in the gym changing room. So I do not allow myself to say those things about myself. Instead of 'my tummy is gross', I say 'that stomach expanded to make a beautiful healthy child, and that's amazing'. Instead of 'I have fat wobbly thighs' I think 'those legs let me climb the stairs, walk round the park, run for a bus'.

When the people around you look at you, they don't see your imperfections. They see the friend they like to laugh with, the person who was kind enough to help them when they needed it, the fun woman they want to go on a date with. You are a valuable person and you need to practice seeing that value in yourself. It's hard. You can do hard things.

yesimpson

I struggle with accepting compliments and positivity from other people at times too. I used to be much less confident than I am now, and like Rabbitjb said, you sometimes have to pretend to be confident until that seeps in and it starts to become real.

What helps me feel better is to not allow myself to nitpick and search for faulty thinking in compliments from others. So if someone at work says 'you handled that situation really well', instead of letting myself think 'oh well I just panicked and got lucky' or 'they're just saying that to flatter me', I force myself to focus on 'it's their opinion. They think you did well. They're not stupid or horrible, so why would they say it unless they felt it was true?'. I find it hard to 'own' a positive remark about myself, but I can acknowledge that in someone else's eyes I did well in that moment, and that makes me feel good without cringing or feeling like a fraud. So you don't have to try and force yourself to make a huge emotional jump from being insecure and feeling unattractive to parading yourself around like you consider yourself the hottest thing going, but you can let yourself accept that this guy thinks you are nice/funny/good-looking. Presumably you think he's decent or you wouldn't be going on a date with him, so why would a decent guy ask a girl out if he didn't enjoy her company and didn't find her attractive? He wouldn't, would he?

crazyjerseygirl

Dress for the body you have, not the body you want. Goes a long way for confidence if you look smashing.

glortard

Why don't you ask him why he asked you out

kickassbarbie

glortard wrote: »

Why don't you ask him why he asked you out

Won't make the op sound like l she's insecure or looking for compliments at all....

I prob wouldn't do this on a first date if I was you.

glortard

kickassbarbie wrote: »

glortard wrote: »

Why don't you ask him why he asked you out

Won't make the op sound like l she's insecure or looking for compliments at all....

I prob wouldn't do this on a first date if I was you.

No as a guy I have had woman ask this...I don't see it as insecurity or anything. It's something that can easily be brought into the conversation at some point in the evening.

flitterfoot

I truly feel for you OP I can't really help with advice other than seconding rabbitjb fake it til you make it.

I'm really insecure but other than a very few close people like my hubby and best friend, who stuck with me through thick and thin and knows all my secrets, people all think I'm super self confident. It's a mask but it's a darn good one and I'll keep faking it until the mask becomes reality.

Hope the date goes well and remember he must like what he sees or he would never have asked you out.

Sheseeksstrength

flitterfoot, how do you fake the confidence?

andympanda

Remember Lots of guys lack the confidence to go up to any women and ask them out. Many people of all ages genders races etc. suffer from it. Their is nothing wrong with you.

vinerie

(((Hugs)))

I feel you. It's not so easy to just turn a switch and be confident. But this guy wants to take you out. And took the HUGE risk in asking you (you could have rejected him, right, which is something he had to risk in doing so). So look at the evidence pointing to the fact that this guy sees something special in you, wants to get to know you better, and valued you so much that he risked being shot down to ask you out. Keep that in your pocket when you are feeling low.

ManiacalLaugh

Oh - this sounds so familiar. I've dealt with similar feelings my whole life, before AND after I found love. I wish I could tell you how I "fixed" it, but to be honest, I haven't. After having lost 80lbs, I landed in a great relationship. The thing is, I still have quite a bit to lose, and even though we've been together for two years now, I'm still so insecure about myself sometimes.

Every so often, I wonder what he sees in me that makes him want to say "I love you." I don't ever reveal this though. Instead, I smile back, say "I love you too", and enjoy it. I just make the insecurity part of my motivation. Not so that he'll love me more, but so that I can be more comfortable in my own skin around him.

meghanduprey

glortard wrote: »

kickassbarbie wrote: »

glortard wrote: »

Why don't you ask him why he asked you out

Won't make the op sound like l she's insecure or looking for compliments at all....

I prob wouldn't do this on a first date if I was you.

No as a guy I have had woman ask this...I don't see it as insecurity or anything. It's something that can easily be brought into the conversation at some point in the evening.

i think it would depend on HOW she asked... i can see it going either way, but yah. i would ask. just casually. "so what made you decide to ask me out?" it might help to know what some one else sees in you to help you see it in yourself...

kshama2001

Sheseeksstrength wrote: »

I just posted earlier about a date, but I obviously need some votes of confidence...
I feel really insecure and I'm unsure why a guy would ask me out on a date. I don't feel pretty enough and I feel like I need to lose weight.

This sounds dumb, but I don't know how to love myself. Women, how do you do it?

You might find this DVD helpful to combat negative self talk. It might be available in your library system. You Can Heal Your Life

flitterfoot

Sheseeksstrength wrote: »

flitterfoot, how do you fake the confidence?

It started when my best friend helped me with buying bright, bold clothes that everyone in the shop said suited my shape, size and colouring. I truly thought they looked horrible but didn't have the confidence to actually say so in front of everyone. So I ended up wearing one of the outfits to one of my hubby's work gatherings cause I pretty much didn't have anything else suitable.

Then one woman came up to me and said I looked great and she wished she had the confidence to wear bright colours rather than the blacks and browns she did wear. She was this really slim pretty woman who obviously had more confidence than me (she just talked to a total stranger for no other reason than to say something nice)! I smiled and said thank you and ended up trapped in a conversation I couldn't get out of, so I smiled and nodded made the odd obvious comment and she was sure I was this super confident person when I really just felt sick.

It now seems that a lot of people think because you wear bright, bold colours and patterns you must be confident enough to wear something outside of the norm. People also seem to think it means I'm creative. Because my default reaction is to smile and nod when someone smiles at me people initiate conversations that I don't feel confident enough to get out of, which makes other people think I'm friendly and outgoing or again confident.

Once I get to know people I'm happy to put my opinions forward if they ask and I'm 110% sure of my facts. For some reason those people seem to think it means I'm happy to volunteer the information, they seem to forget that they asked for it.

I guess between the clothes, the polite smiles and other people's forgetfulness it comes across as confidence. It's not true, although it's more true than it used to be. I am more confident than I used to be, a few year ago I would never have answered a post on the net let alone asked a question (see you're already more confident than I was). The biggest surprise for me is that I even have most of my family fooled. It can sometimes backfire when they want me to do something like book holidays or make travel arrangements. I then have to talk to complete strangers on the phone, but each time it gets easier.

I'm still hoping that one day soon the mask becomes the reality, it's taking time but I am getting there, still faking it until I make it.

Sheseeksstrength

Thank you so much for sharing!! I like the color black a lot, but never viewed wearing different colors as a way to express the way I feel about myself.

Sheseeksstrength

vinerie wrote: »

(((Hugs)))

I feel you. It's not so easy to just turn a switch and be confident. But this guy wants to take you out. And took the HUGE risk in asking you (you could have rejected him, right, which is something he had to risk in doing so). So look at the evidence pointing to the fact that this guy sees something special in you, wants to get to know you better, and valued you so much that he risked being shot down to ask you out. Keep that in your pocket when you are feeling low.

Thank you for sharing this. You are right, I could have said no, and that would have been really tough for him, but I didn't. Interesting thought!

jessica22222

I think to gain confidence you need to stop focusing and worrying about yourself and really look at life in the moment. Analyze your surroundings, compliment people, discuss anything. There's no room in your brain for self loathing. I've become 20lbs heavier than I'd like to be, but still LOVE myself. That's where it starts. It takes practise because I've been there, but you have to change your minds perspective. I think it becomes easier as you get older and surround yourself with positive people who love you, not poisonous people who judge you. Confidence is not something that happens over night.

benzieboxx

Everyone is worthy of loving and being loved regardless of how they look. You are one of those people. It takes time to learn to love the body you have but once you figure out how to do it it's amazing.