Depression consuming me

carbons2k

Ive always been the 'glass is half empty' kinda guy. I don't do it deliberately, it just comes out. So I went away with a girl that I REALLY liked. I feel for her the second I said hi to her. We took a trip mothers day weekend to go to Philly to watch the Mets. (im not really a Mets fan but she converted me) We had such an unbelievable time. On the way home we were talking about relationships and what not and she doesn't really want one yet and wanted to take things slow. Im ok with that. Each day that passes, we talk less and less till theres no communication. Turns out she stopped talking to me bc Im too insecure to have a relationship with. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!

Ok so my question... Im mostly insecure about my appearance and my weight/size. What is the best way to overcome insecurities? I try to be positive sometimes... then I look in the mirror after the shower and I cant help but feel bad about what ive done to myself. Ive been depressed about this (mainly bc this isn't the first time its happened) and I don't know how to correct this issue!

Angelfire365

Got some time? 'Cause Oh boy, is it gonna take some.

I know exactly how you feel. A few years ago, I jumped right onto this healthy bandwagon with both feet. Then, life. And I started to gain back all the pounds. I would leave the bathroom to towel off in the bedroom, just so I wouldn't be there when the fog left the mirror. So I couldn't see that I'd given up. I hated everything.

I'm doing pretty good now, but there wasn't an easy fix. I had to start being kinder to myself. I had to let myself make mistakes, and mentally stop the self-abuse. Which is really freaking hard, and doesn't really seem like it works at the beginning. I don't know how else to describe it, other than making myself feel alright (not quite good yet) about the things I was doing, the things I could control. The food I ate. The exercise I did. Even if it wasn't much, I was doing it. Every gym visit and track walk I carried a mental mantra of 'Hey, at least I'm here'. And on the days that didn't work, I would mentally envision cheerleaders, pompoms and everything, cheering on the other people in the gym. Because if I didn't direct happiness towards them, I would have directed jealousy and that would have made me feel worse. And I know that sounds so stupid, I've never ever told anyone about it, but it helped me.

And slowly I started feeling better. Between not letting myself talk negatively about myself (mostly, we all have those days) and directing myself away from jealousy, I've started to feel better in my own skin. And it's easier to feel better about something I see as flawed when I know I'm working towards making it better. It's taken a long time, a little over a year. But I'm glad I started last year! :-)

I don't know if this helps. But, it's worth a shot.

RoxieDawn

How to correct? Get your mind and thoughts together and make a plan.. You have to know where you going before you can map out the route to get there..

Get serious about the plan.. be diligent.. be mindful of your goals! Set small goals that are achievable...

Do you want to look good naked for your self first or for someone else? Do it for you first... Once you get some small milestones under your belt you will start to see the end goal...

Mini goals to the finish line... as far as relationships.. this is all you.. it seems like you may want to focus on getting "you" better and then the insecurities will slowly go away... who knows, the type of person that you went away with was not the right person for you, or she would still be around, in stead of looking at it negatively, think of it as a positive.. it got you thinking about your self and how you feel so now you can work on "you" and move forward until the right one enters your life...

jenvin4220

These are great responses. I second their thoughts. It takes time but you have to love you. I know how you feel. You are not alone. We're in this with you !!

carbons2k

Thanks ladies... I guess I have to take it 1 day at a time and start working towards a new me... since this me isn't working out that well.

belleamore1234

Focus on the positives before the negatives she went away with you because she liked you, she knew how you looked and she was all in as tough as is it is to hear insecurity can be off putting to a woman as we usually carry lots of our own already. Loving yourself doesn't come easy but once you get there you will never project your insecurity in a negative way and women will flock to you but you have to dig deep and focus on all the great things that make you you. Good luck and stay strong no success story ever got there without his knock downs

LAMCDylan

Try to see yourself as more than just your outward appearance. Your values, personality, goals, soul etc all make up part of you too. Try to really believe that people can like you for who you are on the inside. You really have to define your own worth and value and don't let it revolve around vanity. Try to find balance in your life. Balance mind, body and spirit. If you are too insecure to date then don't bother because it is going to make it worse. Work on yourself, learn to love yourself, be independent, have fun. When you least expect it the right people come into your life. When you are most comfortable and loose then your real qualities come out. People will like you for this.

And not to sound like a jerk, and don't take this the wrong way, but whenever I feel like you do I remind myself that I am a man. I am not supposed to be too sensitive and worry about how good I look. As a man there are a lot of bigger issues to worry about. I worry more about being able to defend myself and look intimidating rather than being attractive. Try not to get caught up on stereotypes and just be yourself. But remind yourself sometimes that you have to "man up" on occasion. And I don't mean this in a bad way to insult you or anything. Believe it or not, it helps me. Women want a guy who is brave, masculine, humble, comfortable etc. They don't want a guy who is insecure and dependent.

LAMCDylan

Also just want to throw out there that you can't control people, places or things. If a girl doesn't want to be with you just let her go you can't force it. The right one will come along one day when you are in better physical and mental shape. It's just not worth the time, energy, and sometimes money to waste on people or things that are not going to pan out. Always aim for independence and being strong. These qualities are not only attractive but they make you a stronger person in the long run. You will also learn to recognize relationships/people who are worthwhile and more likely to last than ones that are a waste.

quintinmasonjr24

Wow awesome responses. Dude you should take every advice on here and apply it to self. I think to sum everything up you have to really love yourself and appreciate who you are as person. Maybe you are not the most attractive person in the room but you are a good listener and people come to you for advice. It could be anything that is a plus that separates you from everyone else but you just don't see it because you are too busy beating yourself up about your weight. Love yourself as a whole like the other blogger mentioned. Mind, body and soul.....vanity honestly sucks. The same hot chic you like could be a real b)+ch and probably not worth your time. What I'm saying is that looks eventually fade and all you will have is your personality and some people fail in that department so they are pretty much screwed. Lose the weight if it makes you feel better, more confident, happier and outgoing but do it for you. It's a lifestyle change, you make small changes in your life to better yourself mentally and physically and you enjoy the journey until you get to the destination. Maybe she wasn't meant for you. Maybe that was just a excuse for her not to have a relationship with you because she just saw you as a friend. Don't get hung up about it. Live your life and be happy with yourself. People will come and go in your life but you are stuck with the challenge of excepting yourself, being comfortable in your skin and finding ways to enjoy life and make yourself happy. I can go on and on because I still struggling with this myself.

becca_maee

I feel the same way Hun. Commenting to read the responses when I get time later

keepitcroosh

Carbons2k, I feel for you. A lot of us feel this way. You cannot let it control you any longer. Now firstly, the thing with this girl. You may have thought you were ready for a relationship, but it is very clear that you have some things you need to work out before getting into that. You want to be in the right mind, right mentality, and FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. Right?! Take a look at my profile picture. Unfortunately, I am closer to the left photo once again. It is never ending. But I can tell you what works for sure because I've been there. What your priorities should be is to eat healthy , drink plenty of water, lift weights regularly, and trust me, you'll start feeling good. When I lift weights at the gym, I start feeling a little cocky hahah. I have no idea why, but if I'm lifting weights and I know what I am doing, I feel pretty awesome. Focus on yourself when you are there. Don't be lookin around while doing weights or cardio. You need to look at you. Look at what your doing. Look at how big your muscles are getting ( or even how there may only be a slight bump and how bad you want more). You need to make this into your every day life. This is not a diet. This is your life.

The very best way I was able to really focus on this was actually pretty simple. I forced myself that after work, I can go home no problem, but I am not aloud to eat ANYTHING until I go workout. My workouts lasted 30 minutes to 45 minutes. If I did cardio it was a little longer but I never did it haha. I use it to get my heart pumping. Nothing more. But yeah, so I knew right after my workout I would drink, practically chug, my protein as soon as I'd get in my car ( powder already in bottle, just went to water fountain and added water and shook it on my way out ) because your body needs it within the hour of working out. Then when id get home, dinner time! I loved it. It works. We all fall. It all depends on who's gonna be motivated enough to get up. Definitely check out bodybuilding-dot-com and get yourself on a plan. Follow it ! Also, you may really like this. Check out Elliot Hulse on youtube. HE IS AMAZING. He will pump you up and really make you want to get right into it. He talks about everything, not just fitness. But trust me, definitely worth the time to check out.

keepitcroosh

By the way, I loved my protein drinks because I got dymatize ISO 100 in chocolate and i'd put a big ol' spoon of peanut butter and shake. Tastes like reeses. SO GOOOOD

thegaragegirl01

There's a reason why they say "put your own oxygen mask on before helping others, including children" in a plane safety briefing.
You can't help others if you don't help yourself first. An ex boyfriend of mine challenged me to wear a bikini at the beach one day, without my board shorts. He said "no, you're not the most attractive person on the beach, but you're a lot better looking than at least half of them". So it's never as bad as we imagine. We are geared to be negative towards ourselves. That's okay. Just realise when you're beating yourself up, and make a conscious effort to say "no! Not today!". It's so very hard to do it, but totally worth it.

I agree with the others. Don't make this about your weight. Make it about a healthy lifestyle change. Focus on being healthy and the weight loss will just be an added bonus. Figure out a system that works for you. It will take a while, and that's okay! It's 110% mental. Think you can, and you will.

I believe in you. Good luck! You've got this :-D

williamwj2014

I think a lot of people feel insecure about their appearance in some way. It's normal but it shouldn't be what consumes your mind. I know appearance plays a role in attraction but you need to focus on other things such as work/school, the next trip to the gym..focus on what you can control and not what you can't control which is what others may perceive of you. I use to feel very insecure about my appearance (still do sometimes) but I also choose not to focus on it and just accept who I am because there is nobody else like me in this world. You just have to take those steps into finding the love within yourself and it's always hard to explain the process because only you will know how to love yourself and it starts with self acceptance.

I wish you luck buddy and trust me, the best love you could have in this world is the love you have for yourself.

softblondechick

Don't date women who are users. It has nothing to do with you or your weight.

A nice woman would not let a man take her to an expensive weekend unless she was seriously interested in him. A user who wanted to see a Mets game for free would be interested in a guy until he spent a load of cash and she evaluated how much money he has for additional trips. You did not meet the bankroll assessment.

Move on, and spend time improving your self esteem so you won't get used and dumped again...

sam_will40

It's hard to feel good about yourself when you're an Eeyore type (I am too). Focus on doing the things you like, activities that mean a lot to you and making changes to be healthier. I was too focused on dating, and realized I didn't like myself very much, so why should anyone else? I gave up dating, started volunteering, got a dog (that makes me get my butt out of bed for walks) and went to therapy. Seriously. And it took some time.
I feel better these days, dated a bit (and if the date didn't work out - it was ok. It happens.) And now am with someone who knows I don't feel the best about how I look sometimes (ditto for him), but there's more to a person than weight. So take care of yourself so you feel comfortable in your own skin more often (there will still be moments, but hey - we're not shooting for perfection).

carbons2k

I cant thank everyone enough for the kind words. Its been a struggle of mine for years and I finally hit a wall and I cant do this anymore. Im not comfortable with myself, so how can I be comfortable with someone else? Now that its the summer, I have a lot of work to. Kinda looking forward to it... we'll see what the next few weeks bring.